ATTEMPTING THE IMPOSSIBLE

Cataracts

2012-01-24T05:58:00.000-08:00

This is really my first attempt at writing since my cataract surgery on the 18th of this month - a week ago tomorrow. My vision is still difficult, not because of the lens but because of the disparity between the vision in both eyes, although the new lens, cornea, and pressure in my left eye are still healing and not as clear as it will become over the next few weeks. However, I have a sense that the further I go in time from this event the harder it will be to recall the particulars, or at the very least, the less miraculous it will become, and I don't want that to happen. So it is my endeavor at this moment to detail these events here.

I was first diagnosed with cataracts back in 2000. In 2001, on our way to Kentucky, an optomotrist that I saw in Denver noted that they were pretty significant then but they weren't "ripe" yet. The years passed and every eye exam noted that they were still present. LOL

In November 2010 I was playing for the choir in our ward and was noticing that I was having great difficulty in seeing the music. At first I thought it was just lighting problems at the piano but even at home I was having difficulty. These problems were acuity related and had come rather suddenly. I wondered if it was just "hormonal" changes and adopted a wait and see attitude. By April I knew I could no longer put it off and made an appointment with an optomotrist at the Eye Care Center here in Oak Ridge. Upon examination he was astounded that my prescription had changed so dramatically - for the better! He was at a loss to explain the sudden shift but urged me to see my primary care physician because the most likely reason was blood sugar disturbances. I saw Dr. May and she ran the requisite tests and determined that my blood sugar was just fine. I reported back to Dr. Kunemen and he monitored my vision over the next few months but things had seemed to stabilize and I was once again "seeing" with new glasses.

In November 2011 we gathered in Wisconsin for a family reunion at the Dells and spent Thanksgiving together as a family. It was a wonderful time that I will always cherish. As that week came to an end I drove Rich to the airport in Milwaukee so that he could fly home to Tennessee and I made preparations to travel to Utah so that I could spend Christmas with my Dad and Felicia. Rich would join me later in the month. Desi and Mike left a couple of days earlier than I did...in hind sight I probably should have followed them. When I got into Omaha it was dusk and suddenly the glare of the lights and the darkness of the night left me unable to see signs, distances, and the road. I called Rich in a panic as physically I had been prepared to drive for several more hours but my vision left me terrified - I couldn't see where I was going! He, of course, counseled me to find a hotel and continue on in the daylight and that is what I did.

In December he flew in to Salt Lake and I went to pick him up. It was nearly midnight when his flight arrived. When he got into the car and I pulled away from the curb and moved into the traffic he became agitated because I was going slowly. I hadn't realized that was the case...but I was compensating for my lack of vision. He commanded me to stop and he took over the driving! LOL

Over the course of 2011 I continued to notice a decline in my vision. What had once been only a problem in darkness was fast becoming a problem in daylight. In November (I'm beginning to see a pattern with the Novembers! LOL) I was playing for Sacrament Meeting and, not having a knowledge of what the hymns were beforehand, I looked up at the Hymn Board and turned to the opening hymn and started playing the introduction. I had barely finished it when the chorister, Mara Petersen, walked over to me and told me that wasn't the correct hymn and gave me the right one. All through that hymn I realized that I was in trouble...I was having difficulty with seeing the music and I had definitely not seen the correct numbers on the board! During Sunday School that very day I tracked down Brother Tommy Dahl, an opthamologist in our ward, and asked him questions about cataract surgery and if he was seeing new patients. He assured me that he would be able to see me and that I would be able to exercise the day after the surgery, except for water aerobics and weight training...that would be a week to 10 days out. Sister Loosli, in our ward, works at the Eye Center, told me that she would look on Brother Dahl's schedule and see if she could get me in as soon as possible. A week later I had my first appointment.

At the appointment my eyes were dilated and history was taken. As the exam continued Tommy told us that he had suspected that I would have some problems but he was surprised at how bad things really were. The cataracts were very dense, especially in my left eye. Compounding the cataracts were the degrees to which my vision was impaired by both far and near-sightedness. Rich joked that he would just get me a white cane and a tin cup, to which I responded that my vision wasn't that bad and that plenty of other people had worse, to which Tommy responded, "Not in this country!" Lol He told me that I was "Big Letter E" blind and not legal to drive. I was amazed...even astounded. I had known I was having difficulty but I wasn't prepared to hear that news. It explained a whole lot about what I was experiencing. We left his office knowing that finding a surgical date with the holidays fast approaching would be difficult. I was also reluctant to have it during the holidays because Cherstin and Dan and Joey and Carlie were going to be joining us.

As it turned out the pre-op exam was scheduled for the 14th of January with surgery to be done on the 18th. It seemed like a long time away but very close at the same time. As I prepared for the holidays I found myself more and more frustrated at little things. Shopping was difficult...lights, the "fog" or "haze" of the cataracts, and general lack of acuity were tiring and I found that I had a feeling of being somewhat disconnected. More and more I felt unsafe and uncertain about driving, cooking, sewing, reading, or even participating in the games and puzzles that the kids were playing. I really think I was beginning to understand how Grandma Bainbridge felt, in small measure, as the disconnectedness was disconcerting to say the least. It is hard to enjoy the moment when you cannot see the moment well.

As the holidays ended and the pre-op exam approached I found myself wondering what I was going to discover once the surgery was done. Was I going to find that I was even more morbidly obese than I thought? Would I discover that the makeup that I had been applying all these years was garish and clown-like? Was my house clean? Would I discover that the quilts that I had loved making were ugly and my kids wondering what I had been thinking? What had I been missing and who had I not been seeing? What if the mistakes I made at the piano keyboard were not vision related but because I just couldn't play well? What if the problems I was having weren't the cataracts afterall?

At my pre-op appointment measurements were taken of my eye to determine which type of lens might be most advantageous. I learned that even though I have an astigmatism it isn't very bad...negligible really...and if they were to put in the toric lens that corrects for it, the astigmatism would actually be much worse. That was pretty good news. The difficulty that I have with both near and far-sightedness left me with two options - the basic lens that my insurance would pay for but would only correct for near-sightedness - I would need to have glasses for reading and close work. Or, a lens that was $2200 that would correct for both near and far-sightedness - and I would need TWO of those lenses! As I weighed those options, Dr. Dahl shared the fact that people who are basically farsighted adjust pretty well to the basic lens because they are used to having to use reading glasses. That made perfect sense to me. However, I have worn glasses or contact lenses for 50 years and it has only been the last 10 years that I have needed to have correction for the farsightedness. In 50 years I have never misplaced my glasses, never lost them...in fact...they are the last thing I take off and the first thing I put on each day...and if truth be told...much of the time it is Rich that takes them off or I find that I have been sleeping with them on. And, as the problems have advanced I have gotten in the habit of putting them on my head when I have needed to read or do handwork. Suddenly I realized that I would probably be looking for glasses a lot...how many pairs would it take to equal $2200...$4400? Over the rest of my life? I decided to go with the more expensive lens. I hope that was a good choice! LOL

My initial exam had shown that I had an increase in interocular pressure, especially in my left eye. Dr. Dahl had run a scan to determine what it was doing, if anything, to the macula. It was causing some degree of "flattening" and left untreated would become a problem. However, he believed that the pressure might be a result of the density of the cataract and that once it was removed, over time, the pressure would return to normal. He reiterated that in the pre-op appointment and told me that they would be monitoring it over a period of time. And, the upper respiratory and sinus infection that I had been dealing with since the first of December would not necessarily delay surgery unless I developed a temperature or my mucus changed to green or other colors that indicated infection. I was elated with that news! Everything was a go!

The day of surgery Rich gave me a blessing. I was truly comforted by it. Even though I really believed that everything would be okay there is such comfort in having those feelings confirmed by the power of the Holy Ghost. I prayed for Brother Dahl...I knew from our conversations that he would feel some degree of pressure because of our association. I didn't want him to feel uncertain, worried, anxious, or hesitant in any way. I knew there were risks that everything might not go as foreseen but those were my risks to take...not his.

I had been expecting that my surgery would go like my Mom's had gone. By the post-op the next day she was seeing 20/20. Dr. Dahl had warned me that probably wouldn't be the case for me, that it would take longer as Mom had just been far-sighted. Even though he had warned me I still thought otherwise! LOL He had also told me that I would probably not find my glasses any help in my post operative state, even with the left lens removed. He was pretty certain that the visual distortion would be severe enough that I would find it preferable to go without glasses.

As they wheeled me into surgery I was feeling pretty calm. I certainly felt like I was in good hands. I didn't anticipate any real difficulty. Dr. Dahl had warned me that even though they had taken measurements, the fact was that once they got into the eye the cataract could be much deeper, bigger, and denser than the measurements had shown, and that meant that they would have to "dig" a little deeper to get it out. And that was indeed what happened. Even though my eye was open the entire time - I so wish I could have seen it - I didn't. My right eye was draped so that eye couldn't help and all my left eye registered was a very bright light and and very pink center in that light...I would assume that was blood but I don't really know and didn't think to ask. The surgery is relatively quick - just a 15+ minute procedure really - from start to finish. At the end of it I realized I could see little holes in the ceiling tiles...I hadn't noticed them before.

Within a half hour or so I was ready to come home. Rich was there with me to get the post-op instructions and we left. It felt good to be home...comforting. I settled onto the couch with my eye shield and drops that had to be put in every two hours and promptly went to sleep. I dozed off and on all day and slept well that night. I think I had been more anxious than I wanted to admit because the sleep that night was really restful - unlike the night before. LOL

The next day we went back for the post-op exam. Everything looked good as far as placement of the lens, etc. However, my visual acuity was not good...it wasn't what I had been expecting. The interocular pressure had risen 10 points and Dr. Dahl prescribed another drop to be added to the regimen to deal with that. The cornea was cloudy and swelling was leaving me unable to see well. That has gradually improved as the days have gone on. I have a follow-up appointment this coming Friday, the 27th and I hope to be able to resume all normal activity and have a date for the other eye. Until the other eye is done though I will probably continue to experience a degree of nausea now and then and the frequent feeling that I am walking on shifting sand - both are a result of the visual disparity between my two eyes.

After we left the Eye Center we drove to Wal Mart for Rich to get something. I would have stayed in the car but I had been wanting to go to a paint store ever since I had the surgery the day before. Mom had been amazed at how vibrant the colors were after her surgery. However, what I noticed was how white everything was. The white was so white that it seemed to glow. I felt like I could understand Joseph Smith's description of his experience with Moroni - "he had on a loose robe of most exquisite whiteness. It was whiteness beyond anything earthly...exceedingly white and brilliant." I wanted to find paint chips that would demonstrate what I was experiencing. The only problem was that when I got into the paint section I soon learned that it wasn't the "white" that I was experiencing - it was the "light". Everything in my right eye is darker...yellower...browner...darker. The whites are not white - they are more beige - and the other colors are deeper - less light. I cannot find words to describe the light that my left eye sees...it just is...and it is wonderful! And more importantly I cannot help but recognize the importance of light...something that I thought I understood but didn't. I thought I had been walking in light...but I wasn't. Suddenly I want to understand the eye, how it works, the structures, the lenses, the brain...I would love to just call Brother Dahl and have him give me a crash course in opthamology. LOL And, just as suddenly I want to understand light, its' properties, refraction, color, wave, how it works. And, since I have been unable to read, I have been left to ponder for the last week about the significance of what has happened and liken it to the scriptures and to myself. Suddenly I want to read all the scriptures and study the words of the prophets to learn about the eye and light...and especially about the Light of the World. Suddenly I "see" and understand more about the significance of "eyes that see" and the "flood of light" that changed the world. I "see" so many applications on both a macro and micro level that I am afraid that I might miss something. And, I worry that the further I get from this experience I will take for granted this very special and miraculous gift and my "eyes" will become darkened again with spiritual cataracts. And I really worry that we, in America, have become "blinded" by our own sophistry and hedonism. I suspect that as I search and ponder more this will be a subject of great "insight" to me...at least I hope so.

Happy Birthday! and Technology

2012-01-20T08:24:00.000-08:00

The years just seem to keep rolling by - and I guess that's a pretty good thing considering the alternative! LOL January is always a time of New Beginnings and this January is no exception...except...that I closed 2011 and opened 2012 as sick as I have been in a very long time. I am beginning to feel better but that is after weeks of not, two courses of antibiotics, and coughing up my lungs every few minutes! I told Rich, "Could you imagine what I would look like if I didn't know how to 'sniff' or 'blow'?" I have been nothing short of a fountain of green, brown, yellow, and bloody gunk! Ugh!!! I seriously worried that my cataract surgery would be delayed if I couldn't get over this but my appointment last week dispelled that worry and surgery is a go for Wednesday! Hallelujah!!!!

Back in December I received the following post on FaceBook from my cousin, Gayle May Roskelley Brown.
     "Funny thing happened yesterday! I was looking for photos that were posted already on the Internet; of my ancestors. I tried to find one of grandma; but an interesting blog came up instead about somebody's grandma, so I started to read. Then it hit me...Who is writing about MY grandma Roskelley? ha ha ha Couldn't figure out who you were until I was near the end. Wonderful tribute. You shared info I didn't know. You've got to share more with me, OK? Gayle"

Then, on January 8, 2012 I received another post from Gayle:
     "Dear Karen,
     "My father NEVER talked about his growing-up days, or anything about family. He HATED genealogy, and was ashamed of polygamy.
      "I know Grandma loved her grandmother, Julia Elnora, and once told me she had a great sense of humor. Do you know anything about her?
      "What was Grandm's mother like? (Julia Abigail Smith)
      "What did Julia die of?
      "Were the other men she married Mormon?
      "Why didn't Julia keep and raise Grandma herself?
      "How did Grandma and Grandpa meet each other?
      "When did Granpa start drinking? Why?
      "What was the date of their first divorce?
      "Why did it happen?
      "How did they get back together?
      "What was the date, and where did they get married the 2nd time?
      "And the date of the 2nd divorce?
      "Grandma is still sealed to him isn't she?
      "Can you tell me anything about Grandpa's other wife?
      "Did you know that somebody has sealed her to grandpa too?
      "Can you write a comprehensive history on Grandma for all of us? :o) LOL
      "Write to me on my email. gbrown538@aol.com Thanks"

Well - a couple of months ago I started to go through some of the things that I had collected and brought home from Mom and Dad's. I had copied the autobiographies I found of Grandma and then texted them to family. My hope was that someone would read them and find important information and get to know her better. To my surprise they were well received. I had been under the impression that everyone in the extended family had them - but it appears that is not the case. So, I have copied them here and will refer interested parties here to get them. I fully intend to answer all of Gayle's questions but not right now - I had cataract surgery on Wednesday and my vision is really not very good at the moment. By next week it should be much improved and maybe I'll attempt it then. In the meantime I hope you enjoy what I do have, Gayle.

Autobiography of Wanda Bingham Roskelley

I've got to the end of my days, till I can hardly tell who I am. I was born, Wanda Bingham, that was the name they gave me, no middle name. My Mother was the second girl, Julia Abigale Smith, of my Grandmother Julia Elnora Smith Merrill. Mother had quite a bit to contend with, with her older brother, and the two gave my Grandmother a really hard time. Mother was headstrong, I guess because she had been tormented by her brother older than she was, each one tried to get the best of the other one.

Mother started going out with Parley Pratt Bingham, Jr., and they decided they wanted to get maried. She was only 15 and I think Dad must have been 17 or something of that sort. My Mother's Mother and my Father's Father got together and talked the situation over and to see if they could disuade these two head strong kids, that they should wait a while and not get married. But to no avail. They were determined they were going to get married. So Grandfather and Grandmother finally decided that it would be best to let them get married, or they may have a situation on their hands that would be worse to deal with. They were married on 4 Jan 1899 in the Logan Temple.

They lived on the Ranch until after I was born, because I was told that my Father was working on the Ranch and my Mother took me out to see what he was doing. He wanted to have a little help from her, so she laid me down on a pile of straw and there was an old sow feeding her babies there. When they came back to get me, I was one right along with babies, as I was nursing the sow - well I don't know if it lasted very long before they found me - so I always felt that I had a little bit of pig in me.

Mother was 16 when I was born. She was too young a mother really. I don't know how long they had been married when they moved to Ogden to live. I was awfully young to remember anything about the house, but I think I do remember something. There was an outside stairway which my mother verfied before she died, when I talked to her about it, that led up to the kitchern. I can remember the door that went out there and Mother trying to keep the screen door closed so that I wouldn't go out and fall down the stairs. That was the only thing I remember about Ogden. My Mother about this time, divorced my Father and she took me back to Smithfield, Ut to her Mother.

Apparently she had communication with her eldest sister, Elnora, who lived in the Teton Basin in Idaho. Elnora had lost two babies prematurely, so she had no children of her own. She waid that she would take me and be happy to take care of me while my Mother found work. I lived with her for two and one-half years and my Aunt was the same as my Mother to me. She did for me all the things that my Mother did for me. My Mother went away from home to work and worked at various places in Idaho and Montana where she met a man seventeen years her senior.

I was visiting in Smithfield, Utah with my Grandmother and next to her house was a stone wall. The stone was put up and kind of plastered over a little bit, but the plaster wasn't very good and it didn't last and the stones were knocked out clear through, making quite a space, as big as the piano there. Grandmother's house was close to the wall, so I crawled through the hole and into the Roskelley property of Aunt Mary Jane. Behind her house and a little to the south of it was a little log cabin, the door was open. I went to sit on the step as I had been picking flowers and here was the biggest pile of asparagas. It had been cut and layed on the step and I thought, "how nice, I'll take this home to Grandma, she likes asparagas." It never ented my head that I was taking something that belonged to someone else. I thought that someone had just left it there for me. I never thought of stealing it, or anything of that sort. I took it over to Grandma and she said, "oh you shouldn't have brought that here, that belongs to somebody else, where did you get it?" I said, "that house over there, through the stone wall." "The log cabin?" she asked "Oh!' Aong about this time came Aunt Maggie and she said, "I just caught a glimpse of this little girl going through the stone wall with my asparagas." Grandma said, "Is this your? She thought somebody had just left it there, that no body wanted it so she brought it home to me." "You will have to tell her you're sorry." she told me. So I told her I was and thought that someone had left it for me or forgotten it. We never had any problem with Aunt Maggie, she was just as sweet and nice as Aunt Mary Jane was contankerous. They are all dead and gone and if she heard me say that she would say, well, so that's how you felt about me.

Mother came down to Utah to get me before the marriage and took me home with her on the train. They were married that late afternoon when she and I arrived on the train. I stood up along side of Dad Hendricks. I held his right hand and Mother was on his left. He was a cripple, as were two of his brothers. They had a disease at the time, which had kept them in bed for a long time, they called it hip disease, each one of them had trouble with their one leg which seemed to shrivle up and not grow any more. My father was the worse of the three and he wore a built up shoe. If he was standing up without his shoe his leg would be about half that of his right leg, so he had this shoe built up about that high. He was never able to participate in dances or anything of that sort, but he would take Mother and me to the dances, because she liked to dance and we would sit and watch.

There was one young fellow there, that worked for the grocery store delivering groceries. He was a tall, lanky guy and we called him "Link." I don't remember what his last name was. He would come up and ask me to dance. Here I was only about six years old and I thought I was about the biggest one on the floor. They had Supper Dances and he would come get me and would say, "Now, I'm your date for the supper. I'll take you to supper." We would go up to a restaurant and have something like oyster soup with crackers.

Over the hill from Kendle, Montana was a place they called "Slab Town." I think the poorer families lived there. Their homes were not as nice as the ones on our street, or on our side of the mountain. When he would go there and happened to see me he would say, "I'm going to deliver groceries over to Slab Town, do you want to go with me?" I'd go. There was never anything out of the way and I thought so many times, you couldn't do anything like that now. Link was a very nice young man and congenial. He thought I would like a buggy ride and so I would go with him over to Slab Town. These were some of the early rememberances of Montana.

Since Saturday was a very busy day for Dad, he worked until 11 or 12 at night shaving and giving haircuts for all these miners, Mother said if he would teach her the trade she would help him, so he taught her.

When I was up in Montana, Mother would take a notion to go on a trip somewhere and she would put me on the train. When I would get off the train in Cache Junction I would look across the valley to the Logan Temple and I could almost cry, with the feeling I had. I would think, "That is my Temple and this is my home!" I was coming back home. I learned to shift for myself from the time I was six years old. She would put me on the train in Lewistown and the train would go to Butte, where I changed trains and then I would get off the train at Cache Junction and catch another train and go over to Smithfield. She may have said something to the Conductor, but I was on my own and I got to the point where I felt I knew as much where I was going as anybody else. I was independent and didn't need their help. I guess that's where I got my independence from.

My Mother's second husband was, James Howell Hendricks, and they were divorced in 1911, because of the age difference. He was very good to me. He was better to me than my own Father. When I would go back to Smithfield, my Grandfather Bingham would come and get me and take me to see my Father, my Father never came to see me, but I was always taken to see him. My Father maybe would give me a nickle, that was the size of it. He never kissed me or anything of that nature, or showed any affection.

I still kept in contact with Dad Hendricks through letters and I continued to see him.

My Mother and I moved to Minden, Montana, about eleven miles East. Mother worked as a barber, a trade she learned from my Step-Father.

My Mother married Walter Louis Geering, in Southern Utah. They moved to California and from then on it was move from one place to another. He was from New York City, and his parents had money, but he had been a wilful boy in his younger age and I guess decided to leave home. I didn't like the fellow and I didn't like the marriage. He was a miner at the time and Mother was working as the cook at the Wild Bill. I was eleven years old and they wanted to send me away to school and I wouldn't go, so I stayed with them. My job was to make the cake and puddings occasionally. That's all I had to do and I was free to go for the day. I wandered the desert, and Mother never knew where I was. Since I have had children of my own, I can't understand it, because I could no more have let one of my younsters off in the desert where there were rattlers all around. There was no school, and no other children. She would send me back to Grandmother's every once in a while, putting me on the train in Milford, Ut. I was not close to my Mother, I was not a part of her life. I was closest to my Step-Father.

That was my Mother's last marriage, he killed himself, and she put his body on the train back to New York to his brother.

Mother was working in a hotel restaurant where she cooked. The floor had been mopped and it was still wet, she slipped and fell and cracked her hip bone and pinched a nerve and they sent her home on a stretcher. After her accident she was sent to Smithfield and Aunt Bardella took care of her. That was in October and she died in March. The Death Certificate said "Nervous Prostration," she was thirty-one years old.

I was living in Smithfield when my school teacher, Sadie McCracken, asked me to sing in the choir. I said I couldn't sing, but there were no young women I chased around with except Fontella, my Father's sister, and Margarette Roskelley, Aunt Mary Jane's oldest son's daughter. I went to choir practice and Emma Roskelley (Hansen), Aunt Maggie's daughter, played the organ. I turned the music for her. I always managed to get in on what they were doing somehow. I met Gilbert at choir practice. He could sing when he wanted to and he had a good voice. He walked me home, across the street, I was 15 or 16. We put on a show and took it all over the valley and Logan. I went out with Gilbert a few times before my Mother died. She asked me who I came home with and she turned her head and said, "Oh, my Lord, it's a Roskelley!"

Mother died in March 1815 and Dad Hendrick adopted me in August. He sent me to school. I was going back to Iowa to school, and there was a Golden Wedding Anniversary on the 19th of October, so he took me back in September. I started school in Cincinnati, Ohio and was very unhappy with it. Dad went down to the dentist office one day and his secretary said she had a friend going to school in Valparaiso, Indiana. So Dad asked her about the school and then asked me if I wanted to go there. I wanted to go so I went and packed up my clothes. I stayed a year and then came back to Smithfield and married Gilbert Roskelley.

We were married August 29, 1917. I had come home in June. He had written to me now and then when he was in the army. I wasn't particularly interested in him, but we were married in the Salt Lake Temple.

I went to Bishop Winn to get a recomment and then I had to get the Stake President to sign it, of course, so I went to Lewiston, and after I got there I found he had gone out into the field and so I walked out there and found him on his tractor in the plowed field. He signed it and I tried to get back in time to catch the inter-urban back to Smithfield. I went to church on Sunday and the Stake President came to Smithfield. Gilbert had the Bishop and Stake President sign his recommend right there in Smithfield. I could have kicked myself all over the place.

We went to Salt Lake with Mother Roskelley and to the Temple. After the wedding she went to her sister's. We went to the hotel and no sooner got there when somebody came to the door and said he had a call from the camp. Somebody had missed him and he better get back as he was AWOL.

I stayed in the hotel by myself, and Gilbert went back to Fort Douglas. Later, I went out to Fort Douglas and we had our Wedding Supper out of a mess kit, sitting on a box in front of a tent. That's the way it was all through my life!

Gilbert was transferred to San Diego and I worked for the telephone company there after he went to France. It was 1918 and everyone had the flu. Every other position at the phone company was empty, we had to work our position and half of one on each side. Everytime we went to the restroom, we had 15 minutes every two hours, and every time we left the board we had to give up our mouthpiece. When we came back we had to have our throat sprayed and we would get a new mouthpiece for our headset and go back on the board. When we went back we were trying to reach all the positions and then all of a sudden the board lit up for the armistice.

History of Wanda B. Roskelley

by Wanda Roskelley

Born January 10, 1900, Smithfield, Cache County, Utah. Father - - Parley Pratt Bingham, Jr., Mother - - Julia Abigail Smith. Lived on a farm at Trenton, Utah my first year and then my parents moved to Ogden, Utah. Father and Mother divorced when I was two and on half years old. Went to live with my Mother's oldest sister, Elnora Jane Richardson at Driggs, Idaho. Lived with her until I was 5 years old when my mother came from Montana, where she had been working, to get me. She was married again. Her second husband's name was James Howell Hendricks. He was a cripple -- one leg being much shorter than the other. It did not hinder him for making a good living for my mother and myself. He accepted me as his own and was very good to me. When I was quite young I used to say I was married to him too, as I had stood beside them when they were married.

We made our home in Kendall, Montana, a thriving mining town at the time and it was here I started my schooling at the age of five.

The children I played with were all starting school and I was feeling rather left out as I wouldn't be six until January, so my mother told me to go to school and tell the teacher I was six years old. So when asked my age by the teacher, I replied that I was five, but my mother told me to tell her I was six. The teacher let me stay and I finished the 4th grade at Kendall and moved to Maiden, Montana for one year.

Then my Mother and Step Father were divorced. There was too much difference in their ages to make a compatible marriage. My stepfather was 17 years older than my Mother and my Mother was quite a young woman, having been married when she was just sixteen years old.

She went to Milford, Utah and cooked at a mining camp that year and I was out of school. She wanted to send me to live with a family in town so I could go to school but I didn't want to leave her so she let me stay out that year. From then on until I graduated from the 8th grade at Smithfield, Utah I attended eleven different schools in five different states. Mother died in March 1915 before I graduated from the 8th grade. I had my first year of High School in Smithfield, Utah, then I went east to Cincinnati, Ohio to school, but was disappointed in the school, so my stepfather sent me to the Valparaiso University, Valparaiso, Indiana. They gave high school courses along with university couses. I thoroughly enjoyed my year there and fully intended going back for the next year, but when on vacation to Smithfield I met Gilbert Roskelley, whom I had gone with while in school in Smithfield. He was on furlough. We decided to get married - we were married in the Salt Lake Temple, August 29, 1917. He was in the Army, and stationed at Fort Douglas. When I came down to Salt Lake City from Smithfield I found he had been confined to quarters for some infraction of regulations. The morning we were married he took a company of buglers out to Mt. Olivet Cemetary and told them to practice and he slipped away to be married - I went out to Fort Douglas later that day and had my wedding dinner out of a mess kit. I returned to my hotel room alone.

There really wasn't much of a honeymoon. I returned to Smithfield at the end of the week and then got a job in the confectionary where I worked for a while - Gilbert was sent to Camp Kearney - down by San Diego and I joined him there by Thanksgiving of that year. We rented a little cottage in the rear of a home. It had three small rooms - another soldier's wife shared it with me and we paid the sum of $10.00 per month rent. Our allotment was only $30.00.

In August the next year Gilbert was sent to France with the Regiment, the 145th Field Battalion. I then went to Los Angeles and stayed with the Aunt who had me when I was 2 1/2 until 5. Whille Gilbert was gone, I worked as a Telephone Operator. I was at the switchboard when the armistice was signed. It was quite a puzzle when all the lights came on at one time, and supervisors and the managers came around and told us to not become excited or panicky and just answer what calls we could. After about two hours the chief operator came to my position and said I might take the rest of the day off. I asked why - she replied that since my husband was overseas and the armistice had been signed I might like to celebrate with the rest of the people. That was the first I knew of the cause for the lights on our boards.

I went downstairs and once on the side walk found I had no choice of direction. You could only go one way with the crowd. In January of 1918 the war being over Gilbert returned to the United States and was sent to Logan, Utah for discharge. He then came to California and obtained employment. Gilber found work with an electrical contractor and made that his work.

In the following December, my first child was born, Jack Arthur - December 15, 1919.

On October 19, 1921 my second child was born. A girl, Juanita. When she was about two years old I took her and her brother Jack to Montana to visit my stepfather. We visited there for three months and then returned to Los Angeles. We moved to Inglewood - or just out of town about one mile. There were seven Mormon families living on one acre of ground. We built a garage, 12 by 18 and stored our furniture in one end and lived in the the other end. Gilber had broken his ankle while I was in Montana and was out of work so we were forced to live on a very meager allowance. We lived there for almost a year and then rented us a house in South Gate and moved there. We were only there about eight months and I got a divorce and again went to Montana. This time to Helena. I shared a house with my stepfather's sister. I learned the marcelling business and did marcelling in my home or often went to patrons homes. Gilbert came up to Washington then over to Montana and we effected a reconcilliation. Gilbert worked for the Anaconda Copper Co. We lived there about one year and then moved to Snohomish, Washington, where Gilbert had bought ten acres of ground with a small house. My stepfather went with us and lived out there about five months. Work was scarce and we lived out so far it was impossible to get a doctor. About time my third child was due I went to Ethel, Washington to be with another Aunt of mine. My stepfather became ill and he went to a small hospital for treatment of a bowel and leg ailment.

My third child, a boy, named Melvin Gale was born at Ethel, on November 13, 1926. We returned to Snohomish, when Gale was ten days old. It rained all the way. When we reached home, about 150 miles, I was sick with an abcessed breast and the baby got pneumonia. We tried to get a Doctor and none would come out. We worked over the baby and he was improving and I got word from my stepfather's hospital, he had passed away at Vader, Washington. I left the baby sick, and I was sick and went to Vader to make... (missing page)

...to Utah to look after her. We decided we would go. We had a half-ton truck which we covered with canvas and packed with our trunks - Barbara's high chair and sleeping quilts and a grub box fixed on the back. We sold the few things we had and had about $30.00 to make the trip on. When crossing the Blue Mountains the wind blew so hard we stopped the truck and propped it up with poles to keep it from blowing over until the wind subsided.

When we reached Smithfield we found my father had gone to my mother-in-law's and had plowed up the garden spot so that we could plant a garden as soon as we got there. My father also gave me a young heiffer. My mother-in-law's land had been rented out for so long and all machinery had either been taken off or was not worth trying to fix. My husband mortgaged the land and borrowed from the Government. We built a barn and bought some cows. It seemed we just weren't meant to succeed at anything. The depression came along and times were hard. I received clothing from the county, coats were made over for my children, underclothing I made from flour sacks. I was able to can fruits and vegetables from our orchard and garden. We had plenty of potatoes and we had enough wheat in the mill for our flour and cereal. In fact the persons in charge of county extension bureau came and took pictures of our cellar. Cash was sosmething we didn't have. We didn't have funds for purchases from the store or for buying coal.

Occasionally my husband would get a days work on W.P.A. which would help pay our light bills and coal. My mother-in-law died in September after our moving to Smithfield in April, 1932. January 14, 1933 my fifth child, Vance Bingham was born. That year we had a lot of illness in the family. Vance was a tiny baby in poor condition when born as I was not well myself. My blood count had gone down to 42 and I was under the doctor's care. We were unable to find a food to agree with Vance and he contracted whooping cough from Barbara who had got it from a neighbor boy. After we had gotten over the whooping cough Gale came home with scarlet fever. Our house was quarentined all fall and winter. I had cleaned the house with lysol and fumigated and had gone to Logan to shop for a few toys for Christmas and came home. The next day, after the children had their nap, I discovered they all had measles.

In 1937 my husband left and went to California and found employment at the Associated Oil Co. as an electrician. In the summer of 1938 we moved to Martinez, California. We lived in Martinez one year then moved to Clyde, just three miles out of Concord. It was while living in Clyde that I was set apart as President of the Relief Society, 1938 thru 1942. We then moved to Concord. In December 1943 I went to work at the post office - after working at the Camp Stoneman Hospital and the storehouse at Benicia Arsenal. I then worked as the inspector in the Testing Labratory of the Associated Oil Co.

In 1941 Jack made a trip to Russia on the oil tanker, Associated. They were followed by Japanese ships - it was a dangerous voyage. He joined the Air Force upon his return and served 3 1/2 years overseas. While in England he married Hilda Gertrude Marsden. He returned to us in October 1945 and his wife came to the U. S. in May 1946.

Juanita was an ammunition inspector supervising the loading of ships with ammunition in New Orleans in 1944 and 1945. She was home for a vaction from October to December 1945 when Jack returned.

Gale had married Ruth Ellen Rhoda of Berkeley, California in May of 1944 and had just completed his officer's training in Georgia so went with us to Camp Beale to meet Jack. We had a wonderful family reunion.

Juanita and Ted renewed their courtship and were married February 2, 1946.

In 1950 I obtained a divorce from my husband and made a trip with Juanita and Vance to Provo, Utah to visit Barbara who was attending B.Y.U.

In June of 1951 Vance and I met Barbara and Joe at Provo and went to Yellowstone Park and on up into Montana where I spent my girlhood. On July 9, 1951 Barbara and Joe were married. When Joe went into the service and after finishing his special schooling and their first baby was born - Karen - they came back to California. Joe was being sent to Japan out of Camp Stoneman so Barbara and Karen came to live with me.

September 6, 1952 Gale was killed in Korea. Vance had joined the Navy in 1952 and he was appointed Honorary Escort at his brother's funeral. Gale was brought back from Korea October 29th. His funeral was held in Martinez October 31, 1952 and he was buried in the Golden Gate National Cemetary, San Bruno, California.

In the fall of 1952 I bought me a home on Bonifacio St. in Concord, four blocks from the post office where I still work.

July 2, 1954 Gilber died of a heart attack and Vance came back from Alaska where he had been stationed for 1 1/2 years for the funeral. Gilbert was buried July 5, 1954 at Golden Gate National Cemetary, San Bruno, California, almost directly opposite of Gale on the far side of the cemetary.

Vance was about due for return to the States so was assigned to Moffett Field, California. It was close enough that he spent considerable time at home which I appreciated for Barbara and Karen were gone and I was alone.

In the fall of 1954 Joe came home and he and Barbara and Karen moved back to Provo where he rentered B.Y.U. to complete his schooling.

When Vance received his separation papers in May 1956 we took a month's vacation to Mexico which we both enjoyed immensely. Vance was married 9 April 1960 to Shirley Mae Johnson in the Los Angeles Temple.

I am visiting Barbara during the Christmas holiday (1960) and having a wonderful time both at her home and the Library where I have made a few additions to my genealogy.

Gratitude - Our Bodies

2011-11-07T22:16:00.000-08:00

Tonight I came home from the gym and wanted to collapse into bed but I decided that I would continue this - at least through November - and so I'm here! LOL

I biked for 22 miles today, did water aerobics for 1/2 hour and also had a half hour training sessions with my trainer. I'm reminded every day that I am growing older...whether it's the gray in my hair, the need to have things repeated so that I can hear them, my eyes that need the cataracts removed, or the weight that will not budge. Nevertheless, I have a profound gratitude for this body that the Lord has given me. For the most part it operates quite well. I am getting stronger as evidenced by the increasing weight I can lift or the distance that I can ride or swim. I am in awe of how resilient my body is - even though the average woman loses 5% of muscle mass each decade (thanks Dr. Oz), it doesn't have to remain so. I will not be 20 again for many years but my muscles can/are gaining strength, flexibility, and mobility with exercise and good nutrition...I'm not doomed to have atrophying muscles if I choose to work at it.

I also love that my body is washable. I know that sounds so stupid - but I can get all sweaty, dirty, grungy even and yet a shower or bath or just washing my hands is so helpful both from an aesthetic and sanitary view.

I marvel about the all the cells, DNA, and the biological processes that are going on all the time - the fact that our hearts beat and we don't even think about it, that our livers and kidneys function without even missing a beat. Our brains are such miracles - not even 3# - but look what they can do??? I remember my podiatrist explaining about the intricacies of the human foot - there are more bones in the foot than any other part of the body - but the cool thing is that when the foot is just hanging there it is just a mass of bones - it isn't until you actually step on it that it becomes an operational foot - because those bones are free floating they can adjust for any terrain they are called to go on - pavement, gravel, a stream bed, mud, grass - isn't that just so cool???

And perhaps the thing I love the most is the fact that my body was able to conceive and bear 6 beautiful children. The processes that entails are so miraculous I can't even begin to describe or even understand. And yet, feeling their little bodies inside of me, was just wonderous - I have no words to describe the joy their lives have brought to me - how grateful I am for them and their bodies. We've been so blessed to have bodies and so often I take them for granted or get frustrated by them. Hmmmm...I ought to reconsider those responses.

Gratitude - Technology

2011-11-06T20:02:00.000-08:00

Today, in Sacrament Meeting, I was thinking about all the things that bless my life, wondering what I was most grateful for.... I decided that it was an impossible exercise. Just as the gospel is one eternal round...so are the things that I am grateful for...each one blending into the realm of another and available to me because of another. That said, I think I will take a moment each day and write about one thing, not necessarily more important than another or in any particular order, that I am grateful for.

Today I am so grateful for modern technology - phones, computers, television, radio, internet, cameras, etc.

Rebecca called me on her way home from church today to tell me that she loved and missed me. It doesn't get any better than that! My beautiful, wonderful, sweet granddaughter thought to call me. It made my day! Many years ago I watched a short movie clip about an old woman that waited for the mail each and every day for a letter from someone, anyone, she loved and who loved her. Her children and grandchildren did love her but they were caught up in the busyness of their own lives and always meant to write the note or letter but it just didn't get done. I related to the clip because I was a young person, then a young mom...always meaning to get that letter sent and always regretting that I hadn't gotten one off sooner. Now...I'm the grandma but with a quick text, simple phone call, blog post, facetime, or facebook message I am able to have those precious contacts with those I love so dearly - and in real time! I am able be know, to some extent, what is happening in their lives, what they are enduring, thinking, feeling, and working for. And a short call to say "I love you" is just the best! I love you too, Bekah!

The blessing of technology allows me to be involved in my kids and grandkids lives, directly and indirectly. When one of the kids calls about this or that, I love feeling that they trust me enough to want my input and I always hope that they know that I trust them to gather all information and advice necessary on any given subject and then make the wisest choice for the situation they find themselves confronting...regardless of what I have just said! LOL As they discover, gather, and sort out their options I have the wonderful opportunity of being a part of the process - not to make the decision - but to know what they are feeling, experiencing, working on, or pleased with - whether worried about a sick child or worried about a rebellious youngster, whether seeking input on a sewing project (I love to have someone to bounce ideas off of too!) or a RS lesson, whether listening to a grandchild read their first scripture or just learn to talk on the phone...it doesn't matter...the opportunity to be a part of their lives is what matters. And I am so profoundly grateful for the technology that allows me to do that.

It is the same technology that allows me to talk to my Dad and to assess his circumstances. It is the same technology that permits me to be in a meeting with my brothers and sisters to discuss Dad and his failing health. How cool is that??? And it is the same technology that enables us to marshall resources to help him as his circumstances dictate. I doubt my Mom needs this technology to know these same things at this point in her life...but I wish that the technology of today would allow for my conversations with her to be less one-sided on my part! LOL

Tonight I have been doing some genealogy and just typing in a few names in a google search brought up compiled histories for ancestors that I am working on. I have been trying, along with Joey, to get things ready to submit for the DAR and SAR and we have believed that the easiest line to follow would be through the Bingham line to Capt. David Perry. Wow! The resources that are available with just a few strokes of the keyboard are just astonding. And, considering how tech challenged I am, it is absolutely amazing that I can find anything!

Just seven years ago I was sitting in the living room of my parent's home when I received a phone call from a lady in Florida with information on the Bainbridge line that I had been searching for 20+ years. This wonderful woman had found my query on a message board at ancestry.com from when we had lived in El Centro. Years later she used modern technology to call every Bainbridge in the nation practically to find the person who was looking for Emmett Bainbridge because she had the information that I was looking for. It just doesn't get much better than that!

But, as grateful as I am for these wonderful tools - I need lessons - kind of "door lessons" if you will!

2011-10-28T23:27:00.000-07:00

We traveled to Johnson City today. It is home to the VA Regional Medical Center that handles Rich's medical. It is also nearly three hours from us and the second time we've been there in one week. But, I'm not complaining as the pulmonologist there is the one that decided he would try ogygen on him and it seems to be helping. His color is better and his breathing is less labored...all good things. However, in the week that he has had the tanks he has gone through nearly all of them and that was to last him a month. He called back to them on Wednesday and asked about the feasibility of a portable concentrator and explained that he is on the road a lot to various doctors, pulmonary rehab, physical therapy, and church, and that my Dad is in hospice and that when he leaves this mortal existence Rich will not be allowed to fly. The respiratory therapist did some checking and got authorization to provide him with a unit on condition that he come back up so that they could test him on it. Needless to say, I think he's really glad about the unit...much less cumbersome than hauling around oxygen tanks.

When we got home Rich's counselor, Julio, came by to help him take the shelves down in the garage to make room for the freezer that is to be delivered tomorrow. There was a sale last week at Home Depot and so we decided to get one. We've missed having one. The last one we bought was in January of 1980 and it is still running - at Cherstin's house. Unfortunately I doubt this one will last as long...and unfortunately it is frost free but I am grateful nonetheless. I bought tomatoes to can last week and decided that I'll freeze them instead of can this bunch. I love fresh tomato soup and have a great recipe for it, so with frozen tomatoes it'll be a snap to make.

I also canned the tomato jam that has been simmering for two days in the crock pot. It is spicy but not as spicy as the last I made...thank goodness! Rich isn't fond of it but I think it'll be great - especially with cream cheese and bagels...mmmm! Julio liked it too and so I sent him home with a little tub of it. Hopefully he wasn't just being polite! LOL

Dad called me tonight. It wasn't a very coherent conversation but at least he called and knew who he was talking to...that's a first in a couple of weeks. He apologized for not getting up to see me but said that he had no car to come. I told him I was in Tennessee and he responded, "you're going to Tennessee?" For the last couple of months he has seemed to think that I have been in Utah rather than in Tennessee and has been baffled about why I haven't come to see him. I'm wondering if some of the confusion is that I have stayed at Derk and Julia's the last two times I have been in Utah, rather than at his home. I don't really know...trying to decode what is happening in his mind isn't very conclusive or productive, I'm afraid.

I struggle with the rightness of my feelings right now. I have been praying that the Lord would take him. But then I wonder what kind of daughter am I that would want my father to die. I can't really wrap my head around death anyway...I guess because I don't really believe in it. I know that there is the death of the body but that is just the house where Dad's spirit resides and right now he is trapped. Trapped in a body that is failing and that he no longer has power over. Trapped in a body with a brain that is no longer allowing him to make consious choices or to understand and make sense of his world and what is happening to and around him. Trapped in a body that keeps him from Mom, from his parents, from being him.

As much as I don't want him to go - I want him to go more. When Mom passed away, and to this day, it was like she has gone on a trip to Europe or someplace without phones. A place that I cannot go right now but I have absolutely no doubt that she lives, that she is busy, happy, and free from the shackles and pains of her earthly body that was so wracked with pain. How can I be sad for her? Why would I not want that for Dad? And why would I not want them to be together again? Dad has been absolutely lost without her...he has put up a good front and tried valiantly to continue on...but lost nevertheless. Mom often said that Dad saved her and she saved Dad from the insecurities, difficulties, and loneliness of their childhoods. They were two halves that truly became whole when they found one another.

When Wanda was a baby and hit the stage where she could play peek-a-boo I was utterly mesmerized. We played it over and over and over again, often using a sheet, blanket, or towel to hide behind. Her squeals of delight, the joy on her face, her whole body trembling with excitement as she found me tickled me every bit as much as it did her. Those experiences and feelings were renewed with each and every one of our children and came to be symbolic to me of my relationship with my Heavenly Father. They have also now become symbolic of my relationship with my Mom. I have no doubt that she can see me but I am just a babe, not completely understanding the veil that separates us but delighted each and every time I get a peek of the eternities and a hint of her beyond it. I so wish I could talk to her...although truth be told, I do talk to her often...and I imagine what she would say...but I have no doubt at all that she is there...listening...helping...encouraging...supporting...urging me and all of her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren to continue to seek the face of God so that we can all be together forever on the other side of that veil.

One More Day

2011-10-25T23:55:00.000-07:00

Today started off with Rich urging me to get out of bed because our training appointment was just an hour away....ahhh....sleeping in....to all those with little ones...the day will come again....Promise! I had a good workout with Debi and then went to the theater room and biked while Rich had his appointment. I got in nearly 12 miles on random hills - pretty good! We sure have gotten spoiled with the theater room - filled with elliptical trainers, tread mills, bikes, recumbents, and rowing machines - I just pedaled away while watching Practical Magic - a pretty fun movie to watch with Halloween coming up. I had to muse to myself for a minute - the movie has Sandra Bullock in it and I remember how many comments we would get about Desi looking like her...and we would get the comments about Wanda looking like Goldie Hawn...and we got comments about Cherstin looking like Reese Witherspoon...from the same family????

We came home and showered as Rich had an appointment with Dr. May. Can I just say how much I appreciate her care and doctoring??? She is just awesome! He had lost four pounds since last week - that was excellent. And his breathing sounded much improved - yea steroids! I asked her if his situation now was a new baseline or if it was reasonable to assume that he would be able to climb back to where he had been. She said. "Reasonable - no. Hopeful - yes." The fact is that they don't know and it will take time to see how much he is able to regain. She doesn't anticipate that he will be back to work anytime soon. She acknowledged that she understood his frustration about not being able to do - but he should just do what he can and let the other stuff go - at least for now. And, part of the level of frustration, impatience, and irritation may be attributed to the steroids - steroid rage is well documented. The feeling that he continues to express about being in a fog mentally may have something to do with oxygen levels - but it may also have to do with blood sugars - so we'll be watching those much more closely. She was very candid in telling us that his future health is very dependent on not taking any more hits with colds, flu, pneumonia, mrsa, and blood clots. His lungs no longer have the elasticity they once had, there is heavy scarring, and his immune system just can't overcome all the hits. She, depending on Dr. Dimeo's assessment in two weeks and if he continues on the path he is on today, will clear him to do some limited traveling - although he must stop every hour and walk for 5-10 minutes. Absolutely no plane travel...kind of figured that. He is to stay out of crowded places, no WalMart, no mall, etc. He is to carry around hand sanitizers, use a mask if he has to be around anyone who is ill - i.e. dr.'s offices, sick family members, etc. And, last but not least, he has to get off the river in Egypt. All in all I do feel hopeful. And, I am grateful to realize that there are things that we can do to limit his chances of taking another "hit" and allow his body to get stronger and get farther away from the "edge". It is helpful to know a little bit about the kinds of things that they (the drs) are concerned about and recognize that while he may look fine...even feel pretty good on some days...his condition is more fragile than we realize and how quickly that can turn...so that we remain vigilant and cautious rather than being stupid. That's always helpful! LOL

We came home and I went to a funeral for a friend's sister. I hadn't met her but I wasn't really going for her - but for her sister. It was in a Baptist Church...I can't get over how much having a fullness of the gospel really does change things. These were lovely people, caring people...but as the Pastor spoke I just flashbacked to Grandma Bainbridge's funeral and realized that there really is comfort in having some of the answers that we do.

After I got home we went back to the gym. I fully anticipated going swimming after riding the bike again...but only managed 20 minutes and 6 miles on the bike and then decided to head home. I could have done more...I know it...just wanted to come home. Home is good.

A Very Quick Weekend

2011-10-24T23:26:00.000-07:00

The Gang's All Here!

Reah loved the animals

Joey, Carlie and the kids came to visit for the weekend and it went by way too fast for my tastes! We really had a great time visiting with them and are so grateful that they are this close.

They got here Friday evening about 9:30 so we all put of swimming suits and headed to the gym pool for an hour of swimming. My hopes were that the kids would have some fun and get some of their wiggles out after the long car trip. Gideon, Glory, Levi, and Reah had a great time but Scarlett was so tired that she was pretty miserable. Afterwards we came home, had some hot chocolate and crashed.

The next morning Rich wanted to just get up and got get donuts are Krispy Kreme but since it was on our way out of town I suggested that we all go together...but it was more like herding cats to get us all ready to go in any kind of speed. By the time we left it was time for lunch so we just hit Mr. Gatti's for the pizza buffet in Knoxville instead.

A few weeks earlier I had gone to the Smokey's with some friends and the traffic hadn't been bad at all. A week previous to that the traffic had been absolutely horrendous - taking nearly an hour to go 1 mile. I reasoned that since my trip had been later, most of the tourist season was past and so going to the mountains (foothills by western standards - LOL) would be lovely, fun, and easy. NOT!!! Traffic was so bad that the police actually closed the road in the park to Gatlinburg. There was also no cell phone service in the park so when we found ourselves separated from Joey and Carlie we just hoped for the best. Ironically, as we were entering the Kade's Cove Loop (an 11 mile loop of one way traffic to see scenic sites, old churches and cemeteries, bears, etc.) a traffic sign indicated that it was a 3 hour trip to go the 11 miles but we thought that Joey and Carlie were ahead of us so we entered the loop. We were so surprised when just a few hundred feet into the loop we found Joey - he was driving the wrong way to get out of the loop! I have no idea how he was able to turn his van around as the road is just one lane - but he managed it somehow! That's Joey for you! Carlie was so embarrassed...cars were bumper to bumper and people would ask him if he realized he was going the wrong way and he would tell them, "Yeah, but I'm not wasting three hours for this!" Rich and I were already committed and we couldn't find a place to duplicate Joey's move but we found a cutoff that allowed us to only go two miles back to the Ranger Station and Souvenier Store. When we got there we found that Carlie, Joey, Gideon, Levi, and Reah were walking down the road. They returned to the store and we made potty stops and I told Carlie that when the other drivers had seen what Joey was doing they would see the door magnets on the car showing he was a Ron Paul supporter and would just consider the source! LOL

From the store back to Gatlinburg was 26 miles but we ended up taking the Pigeon Forge cut-off and heading back that direction as we had tickets for the Hatfields and the McCoys Dinner Theater. We needed to kill some time so we ended up at McDonalds for an ice cream and then hit a strip mall.

About 7 pm we headed over to the theater to pick up our tickets and waited outside where they had rocking chairs and a sort of petting zoo type of deal, and then in the gift shop for pictures and to be seated.

Levi did NOT want his picture taken!

Once we got seated the wait staff started bringing our food - creamy vegetable soup, fried chicken, pulled pork, beans, cole slaw, corn bread biscuits, mashed "taters", and chocolate pudding for dessert. Our drinks were served in Mason Jars and the kids thought that was pretty fun.

The show was fun, light-hearted and while the kids didn't get ALL the "Jeff Foxworthy"-style jokes, they did get much of what was going on. They had never heard of the feud of the Hatfield's and the McCoys and so we had shared with them some of the backstory before we even got to the theater so that they would have some kind of reference point. There was fun music with banjos, guitars, bass fiddle, jug, fiddles, and great singers. They also had fun dancers that were tappers and they could really make music with their feet - they were awesome. And of course, the Tennessee twang fit right in to the dramatic effects of the production. LOL Couldn't tell on bit if it was real or just for effect!

By the time we got home it was nearly midnight and it had been a very long day. The kids were out like lights! I still had a R.S. lesson to finish preparing and Rich had some things to do for Young Men so we didn't get to sleep until about 2 am. Love having an 11:30 meeting time - although Rich's start at 10!

We went to church, came home and had lunch and then drove to Knoxville to visit Grandma B's grave, and returned home to fix dinner. Bob came over and ate with us too. Bedtime was past due but Gideon, Joey, Rich and I played a round of Phase 10 just because.

This morning everyone helped Joey and Carlie collect their things and then we headed over to Firehouse Subs for lunch before they took off. They returned here to get Storm and the kids got some last handfuls of candy from the "candy box" - they seemed to like it just like our other grandchildren that have been here! LOL We had hugs and kisses and waved as they drove out of the drive way...bittersweet! They called about 8 pm this evening to tell us they had arrived home safely.... Time with family...is there anything better???? If there is I can't imagine it!!!!

Time...time...time...

2011-10-20T17:19:00.000-07:00

Since I last posted life has been kind of a blur. In early August Rich had a quick, three day business trip out to San Francisco. He had been having problems with pneumonia for about six weeks previously but had been on steroids and antibiotics so he left and had a good time with other contractors from the left coast. However, when he returned it was evident that he just wasn't getting any better. I asked him if he wanted to get in to see Dr. Dimeo (his pulmonologist) and he told me to make the appointment. The earliest I could get him in was the following day...but I'm so glad that we did.

Dr. Dimeo met him at the lung functions booth and ordered blood work and x-rays. When they got back to the room he asked Rich if he wanted to go to the hospital and Rich said, "no." But Dr. Dimeo responded by telling him that he thought it would be best if he went right over. While Dr. Dimeo made the hospital arrangements I took Rich over to the hospital where they ran more tests...and more tests...and put him on IV antibiotics, steroids, and breathing treatments. That evening we learned that they had found blood clots in his lungs and legs. Four days later he was able to come home with new courses of antibiotics, steroids, and blood thinners.

Since then it has been non-stop doctor visits to the pulmonologist, primary care physician, cardiologist, coumadin clinics, the VA and tests and tests and tests. Gratefully we have learned that the emboli didn't cause any other heart damage and his heart is doing well. But it has been a very slow and long road to recovery. We have been told that this is to be expected, especially with the degree of lung disfuction. He has been on short-term disability since this happened but today we learned that the insurance company that has the company's policy is recommending that he move to the long term disability list and apply for social security disability. I'm reluctant to go this route (there are no guarantees) because I know that Rich still has lots to contribute but perhaps this is something that we need to consider if we are to safeguard his health. The VA put him back on oxygen yesterday and I am anxious to see how he does with that. Two years ago, after the respiratory failure, Dr. May put him on it and told him that it would help him get better because he would not be using all his energy to breathe and his lungs would have a chance to rest and heal a little. It took about 5-6 months but sure enough, he was able to get off it. Perhaps it will be the same this time. The coumadin is getting more and more stable so he is only having to go to the clinic once this week! Yea!!!

We have talked about retiring and going on a mission but haven't wanted to do that just yet...but perhaps he'll be doing most of his service as a genealogy extractor. He doesn't have to move too much to do that! LOL

Well, Wanda, Mary, Ruth, Moroni, and Hyrum came down to visit for a couple of weeks a couple of days after Rich got home. It was so much fun to have them and while they were here we were able to help Wanda make a king-size quilt, went to Dixie Stampede, and just had so much fun being with them.

The following week Rich's sister and brother-in-law, Marsha and Blair, came to visit and that too was fun. We didn't do too much. They came up to give their van to Bob so that he would have some dependable transportation. It was this week, too, that Bob signed his paperwork for his new home. He was truly excited and we are happy for him. Unfortunately Rich couldn't help him at all per dr's orders and I was worthless because I was undergoing the synvisc injections to my knees. It took him nearly a month but he is finally settled. However, just a few weeks later he lost his job and has been looking for one ever since. He has a good lead tomorrow and we certainly hope it works out.

Marsha and Blair came back for a visit when Jeanie and LeRoy came out a couple weeks later. It was the first time that everyone had been together since Mom B.'s funeral. We didn't do an awful lot except eat and talk and laugh. It is such a wonderful thing to have family.

The next week I had a friend come visit from Illinois. I had "met" her through the Biggest Loser Club and it was so much fun to get to meet her in real life. We spent a day in the Smokies, saw The Miracle and went to the dinner theater The Hatfields and the McCoys.

The following week Marsha and Blair returned for the anniversary of Mom B.'s death. We planted a few more flowers at the grave and just enjoyed their company.

Late last week Joey returned home from Iraq. I am profoundly grateful for his safe return and so grateful that his little family has been well for this long deployment. Now they begin the long journey of reuniting as a family. I pray that it will be much easier than it so often is after a long separation. They are coming to visit this weekend and I can hardly wait to see them.

On the 12th of this month I celebrated the 7th anniversary of my Mother's death. Celebrate? I guess that is what it really is. I kind of think of it as a graduation from mortality but I have to say that I have missed her and thought about her more than ever. I so wish I could talk to her, although I will admit freely that I do talk with her often throughout the day or from time to time as circumstances dictate. Lately I have been praying that the Lord will have found us (Me, Mike, Derk, Brad, Jim, and Chad) worthy and having learned what we need to so that He will take Dad to be with Her. His decline has been remarkable. Most of the time he has no idea who he is talking to when I call, or can't follow the conversation, or doesn't even know where he is when I call. I can only assume that we have things to learn and prove because I see no other reason or purpose for his time here. I know that his love for mom is eternal. He has been lost since she has been gone and has tried valiantly to go on but he has been lost nevertheless.

Well - I have pics to share but Cherstin should be at swim lessons right now so I will have her consult with me tomorrow so that I can post them. I am so grateful for this medium...I certainly type faster than I write...now if I would just type more often! LOL

Back in the Gym Again1

2011-07-26T21:43:00.000-07:00

Last night Rich and I went to the gym...tonight too. It feels so good to get back to familiar patterns. We have had a series of difficulties since April that have kept us out - other than meeting with our trainers - and finally we are moving in the right direction again.

Yesterday Rich had an appointment with Dr. Dimeo (his pulmonologist) to determine lung function and if the pneumonia had gone. It hasn't - although it is markedly improved and hence the exercise. He is on another antibiotic course and another round of steroids and will see Dimeo again in a couple of weeks...but the improvement is good.

For me - I had been pretty sick and experiencing some horrific vertigo. Couldn't figure out why. However, I had gone to the dentist between Wisconsin and Oklahoma because I was experiencing intermittent tooth pain. The dentist discovered a tooth that needed a root canal even though I wasn't experiencing pain or any other symptoms...the tooth that was bothering me was cracked and in Oklahoma it actually broke and gave me quite the relief. To make a long story short...I had the root canal last week and work done on the other tooth for a crown and now the vertigo is almost gone. I don't know whether it was the infection and since I have been on an antibiotic that has helped or what...just grateful to be able to hold my head up or lay down and not have the world spinning! :) And, since I can do that - I have been able to exercise the last couple of days without falling...yea!

And - as I long have learned - when the exercise is in place somehow, for some reason, diet becomes much better managed. I have theories...but what is more important is that it is actually a fact.

Dr. Dimeo cautioned both of us to take the come back very, very slowly. He told Rich that if he thought he could do 10 minutes then to shorten it to 5 instead. And intersperse the aerobic with a couple of minutes of strength exercises so that his body has a chance to catch up. Said it is the fastest way back to our peaks. Yesterday I did 20 minutes on the bike and then an additional 10, and then 30 minutes in the pool. Tonight I did 22 minutes, some abs and triceps work and then an additional 8 minutes on the bike. But, tonight I traveled more distance - did 6 miles. On our way home we noted that our bodies are so amazing - they are so quick to give up the strength and fitness...but they are so quick to respond to good care too.

Yesterday, at lunch, there were a couple of guys sitting behind us discussing America and freedom. They were obviously foreigners - sounded Russian, Czech, or something like it - but speaking English. I didn't mean to eavesdrop but the conversation started softly and grew loud enough that not hearing would have been impossible. Anyway - the nuts and bolts of their discussion was that you achieve what you get in the future by doing those things you need to do to achieve the result today...in essence today determines both the future and the past, especially since today becomes the past tomorrow. That what is so wonderful about living here is that we really do have the freedom to choose what we will do with today to achieve what we want in the future. I have thought about the wisdom of these young men in their discussion. Too often we want the results of our intentions rather than having to do the work...and it doesn't work that way. It doesn't work in weight loss and fitness, charachter building, education, getting out of debt, food storage...or any other endeavor. Today is all we have. I love Emily Dickinson's "Forever is composed of nows." Or Emerson who said, "We are always getting ready to live but never living." Or Charlotte Perkins Gilman's, "Eternity is not something that begins after you're dead. It is going on all the time." Truly, if you worry about what might be and wonder what might have been, you will ignore what is... It is nice to not be ignoring today in my quest for better health...or planning to do better "tomorrow"...because today is all that I have.

Social Media

2011-07-22T08:32:00.000-07:00

This morning I was running an errand and was listening to talk radio (surprise! surprise! LOL). Anyway - there is a local talk show called the Haloran Hilton Show which discusses local and national stories but takes phone calls and input from locals, as you would suppose. Today the story they were talking about was the abysmal economy and lack of jobs coupled with a new trend from employers to do background checks on potential employees using a company that investigates and scours the internet of ALL social media on a candidate - including the honors and great things along with anything you have said, done, or joined that may be negative. The background check is very thorough and goes back for seven years. The obvious places you would think of - facebook, my space, twitter, etc. come to mind - but flicker, photo sharing sites, clubs, blogs, interaction with individuals via the internet in emails, texts, etc. all come to bear.

The host of the program had asked what the listening audience thought...especially considering privacy rights and that so many of the younger generation seem to have so little thought about putting EVERYTHING out there with so little regard for personal privacy and understanding how easily some very innocent things can be twisted into something so bad, or we just grow up...or, on the flip side...had Anthony Weiner had a background check would his wife have married him and would his constituents voted him into office.

As I listened to the interaction my thoughts reflected over and over again on an old movie our family had watched many years ago called, Defending Your Life. It had Meryl Streep and Albert Brooks in it and it always felt to me kind of like how I thought the judgement may be. There was a judge and a prosecutor, using "video tape" of their lives, to determine their worthiness of future happiness and placement in the next life. As the video replayed in certain areas they would have to explain why they made the decision or did what they did.

I don't really remember much specifically about the movie - just the premise - but always felt like it was a pretty good representation of the plan of salvation and knowing that the Lord is omniscient. Through the years I have often thought about the movie, especially as I pondered scriptures such as Alma 12:14-15,
       "For our words will condemn us, yea, all our works will condemn us; we shall not be found spotless; and our thoughts will also condmen us; and in this awful state we shall not dare to look up to our God; and we would fain be glad if we could command the rocks and the mountains to fall upon us to hide us from his presence.
       "But this cannot be; we must come forth and stand before him in his glory, and in his power, and in his might, majesty, and dominion , and acknowledge to our everlasting shame that all his judgments are just; that he is just in all his works, and that he is merciful unto the children of men, and that he has all power to save every man that believeth on his name and bringeth forth fruit meet for repentance."

As the radio program ensued a caller stated the obvious - that if you don't do, say, or think anything that you wouldn't want God to witness - then you have nothing to fear...

But then I realized that there was so much more than not fearing and not wanting damnation to motivate me... there is the desire to become like my Father in Heaven and Savior...and the Lord himself told us how in D&C 88 -
        "Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you; seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you....
        "And if your eye be single to my glory, your whole bodies shall be filled with light, and there shall be no darkness in you; and that body which is filled with light comprehendeth all things.
        "Therefore, sanctify yourselves that your minds become single to God, and the days will come that you shall see him; for he will unveil his face unto you, and it shall be in his own time, and in his own way, and according to his own will.
        "Remember the great and last promise which I have made unto you; cast away your idle thoughts and your excess of laughter far from you....
        "And as all have not faith, seek ye diligently and teach one another words of wisdom; yea, seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom; seek learning, even by study and also by faith.
        "Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing; and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God;
        "That your incomings may be in the name of the Lord; that your outgoings may be in the name of the Lord; that all your salutations may be in the name of the Lord, with uplifted hands unto the Most High.
        "Therefore, cease from all your light speeches, from all laughter, from all your lustful desires, from all your pride and light-mindedness, and from all your wicked doings....
        "See that ye love one another; cease to be covetous; learn to impart one to another as the gospel requires.
        "Cease to be idle; cease to be unclean; cease to find fault one with another; cease to sleep longer than is needful; retire to thy bed early, that your bodies and your minds may be invigorated.
        "And above all things; clothe yourselves with the bond of charity, as with a mantle, which is the bond of perfectness and peace.
        "Pray always, that ye may not faint, until I come. Behold. and lo, I will come quickly, and receive you unto myself. Amen."

I love this quote from Bruce R. McConkie, "It is one thing to know about God and another to KNOW Him. We know about Him when we learn the He is a personal being in whose image man is created; when we learn the Son is in the express image of His Father's person, when we learn that both the Father and the Son possess certain (specific) attributes and powers. But we KNOW them in the sense of gaining eternal life when we enjoy and experience the same things They do. To KNOW God is to think as He thinks, to feel as He feels, to have the power He possesses, to comprehend the truths He understands, and to do what He does. Those who KNOW God BECOME like Him and have His kind of life, which is eternal life."

Our lives really are a running recording of our thoughts, deeds, and desires...and it is from this record that we will be judged...with the blanks brought about by our sincere repentance. Obviously, as we repent, school our feelings and desires, and do the Lord's will there will be fewer and fewer gaps in the tape until such a time that we will be able to show the entire movie to the Nephis', Moses', Abrahams', and Josephs' of our posterity...and our daughters too.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, part 2

2011-07-19T08:11:00.000-07:00

Last night Rich and I went to the last Harry Potter movie for our Family Home Evening. The theater was practically deserted and we enjoyed not having to share it with the craziness that was probably the scene over the weekend.

During the day I had read a talk by Melvin Ballard given in1928 at the Tabernacle and reprinted in the New Era in 1984. The talk, "Struggle for the Soul," is extraordinarily powerful...especially to me as I struggle to overcome the flesh and become my best self. But as I watched Harry Potter I almost was mesmerized by the images that came before my eyes and I found myself reflecting over and over again on the prophetic words of the Lord through Elder Ballard. I marvelled about how many best-selling books and movies are out right now with the immortal theme of good vs. evil - how J.K. Rowling had captured the hearts and minds of literally millions around the globe in this classic tale and how seriously true the tale is - in a metaphorical way.   It is even more sad to me that so many who love this story will view it just as a metaphor rather than recognizing the truths it contains. At one point in the movie one of the characters refuses to not call the devil by his true name, thus recognizing his power and his war upon good and in so doing sets up the ultimate battle for the very soul of each and every character in the movie - only he who will see it, recognize it. call it what it is, and engage in the battle against it...only he will be victorious in the end.

Speaking of the real-life battle we're all in, Elder Ballard noted:
    "When the first of the Father's faithful sons and daughters were about to come into earth life, they were undoubtedly warned and cautioned; for we were to have TWO new experiences. First, we were to come into possession of a mortal tabernacle. Never having had one before, it was all strange to us. We were charged that we were to take possession of that mortal tabernacle and make it our servant, and were to be master over it, to honor it and yet to subjugate it.

    "[Second,] we were to be in the presence of the enemy who was now a majority. If our eyes were only opened to see the powers that are about us, that seek to influence us, we could not have the courage to walk alone and unassisted. These powers are about us, using their influence for the accomplishment of certain well-defined ends to win the coveted place for their chief, the fallen son of God. When he fell the heavens wept over him, and he became Lucifer, the devil."

    I had to chuckle when Neville stood in the safety of the dome and mocked the evil mobs that sought to destroy him and all those at Hogwarts...because how often have I felt that same smugness in the protection and safety I have been in without realizing the true peril that was about to engulf me. And it was with pleasure that I watched Neville stand against all that raged, knowing that he'd given his all, and if it required his life, so be it...but he could do so knowing that he had chosen for all that was good and right. He had stood fast, firm, and immoveable.

    The portrayal of the dementors was also pretty fascinating to me. The special effects, the music, and the darkness and forboding told the tale of their desire to destroy the very souls of mankind. Elder Ballard said, "It is not bodies, it is immortal spirits that the devil wants. And he tries to capture them through the body, for the body can enslave the spirit, but the spirit can keep the body a servant and be its master."

    There are so many things I can point to throughout the movie that vividly portray this war we are in...it is a haunting tale for sure...but perhaps the thing I was most struck with was the idea that in order to completely overcome evil Harry had to let the evil in him die...like Elder Maxwell once said..."Real, personal sacrifice never was placing an animal on the altar. Instead, it is a willingness to put the animal in us upon the altar and letting it be consumed!" It is only then that we are truly free from bondage and able to have the peace and happiness that comes from keeping the commandments of the Lord.

    At the start of the movie I knew the outcome. Even as I read the first book of the series I knew the outcome of the last. It is the same with the real-life war that has been and continues to rage through the eons of time. As Elder Ballard said, "Who fears the outcome? Only he who is a deserter. But those who are on the Lord's side will close the ranks, fortify themselves, adhere to the standards, live in harmoney with those blessed principles of the gospel which Christ has given, depending absolutely upon his leadership. And as sure as we live, victory shall come for Christ and his own."

Ohio, the Bainbridges, and the Court of Honor

2011-05-18T18:50:00.000-07:00

Today I spent the day with Carlie and the kids. I thought I would take a moment and enjoy having some alone time with them.

Gideon starts school early in the morning - he meets the bus at 7 am! Glory and Scarlett don't have to catch the bus for an hour and a half later. By the time that Carlie gets them out the door she has already put in a full days' work!

She baby sat for a friend for a couple of hours after the girls had gone to school. Then, shortly after lunch Levi got ready to go to school...he goes four days a week and when I asked him what the best part of school was he told me, "coming home!" *grin*

Levi has a friend that broke his femor and is in a full leg cast and cannot put any weight on it at all. His Momma carries him to the car and into the classroom. So, they pick up Levi so that he can help carry things in to school for them while his Mom is getting him into school. However, his mom has a little girl Reah's age so Carlie watches her while everyone gets to school.

After everyone was situated Carlie and I took her car in to the WalMart so that she could get a new tire on her van and then she and I went to Costco down in Cinncinati. Joey had requested some chocolate caramel macademia nuts and mini oreos. I promised him that when I got here I would buy some. However, they didn't have any oreos so we got Cheese-its instead. He'll enjoy that too - gratefully he was able to call and talk to Carlie while we walked through Costco and he could tell me what he wanted - LOL.

We raced back to pick up the car and Carlie had to get to the circus with the kids and then she barely got home in time to get Gideon and head out for his court of honor. He received his Star rank tonight and three merit badges. He hopes to have his Life rank before his Daddy comes home from Iraq.

Carlie and the kids seem to be doing pretty darn good, considering. As with most deployments, things seem to always break down - and that certainly happened this week. Her lawnmower died, the Neon died, and she had to have a wheel alignment and two new tires on the van...all in a day or two! Ugh!!! And, to top that off the timer on her dryer is going out and she often finds that a load of laundry has been drying all night long...but...she has pruned bushes and hedges, is drying strawberries and other fruit, preparing to raise bunnies, and is busy, busy, busy. I am grateful that things are busy for them...it makes the time go so much faster.... There seems to be a serenity here and I can often hear Carlie singing and humming as she goes about her day. It isn't easy being and doing what they are all doing - but they are doing it with grace and love...surely more of the Lord's tender mercies..as is the technology that allows them to see and talk to one another on the other side of the world each day!

Gideon receiving his merit badges

Reah

Gideon receiving his Star Rank with Carlie at his side and Scoutmaster Bennett

Tonight Cherstin has helped me figure out how to upload pictures and post them to the blog - I am going to try and do this tonight all by myself...that should be interesting!!! LOL Okay!!! I know I need your help, Cherstin!!! Thanks! LOL

Ohio and the Bainbridges

2011-05-17T20:33:00.000-07:00

I have been struggling to get ready to leave for the last few days...seems I am taking the entire house INCLUDING THE KITCHEN SINK!!! LOL There are so many things that I want to get done while I am with my little families - but most of the time I think I bite off more than I can chew.

Anyway - I finally got packed and Rich came home and helped me finish packing the car, we went to lunch and then we parted and I drove north.

The trip was fairly smooth - got here in under 5 hours and that is pretty good considering how much of it was at rush hour. I never drive between Ohio and Tennessee without remembering that night in November 2009 when I learned that Rich as in the ICU on a ventilator. It was cold, foggy, and pouring rain - one of the longest trips I have ever taken. You would think I would be over it - but the memories are intense and difficult.

When I got here we went out to the Golden Corral for supper - on Tuesday night children 12 and under are only $2.99....not bad for dinner! Again, this just served to cause me to remember that November...I had come up because Carlie was expecting Reah and the night that I got here we went out for dinner at Golden Corral as it was Veterans' Day and they were honoring Vets and Active Duty personnel with a free meal. That night I couldn't get a hold of Rich...I tried, tried, and tried...even got up in the middle of the night but to no avail. Little did I know that he had been admitted to the ICU. Someday these memories will fade, won't they?

Anyway - it was a delightful evening with Carlie and the kids. Gideon has a friend, Moontaser, who lives around the corner and he and his mom joined us. It was fun to get to know them. I sat and wondered how she must have felt around us...they are Palestinian. In the end...we are all just people needing to be loved, accepted, and befriended. Carlie is doing just that. And, who knows? Perhaps that friendship will blossom and the gospel will be given a chance to be shared.

Below are the pictures that are now posted - 12 hours later than my original post because I need to get someone to show me how to do that!!! :0

Gideon and Glory lovin' Golden Corral

"Peace!"

"I am Gideon!!!!"

Moonstaser and his mom - he is a good friend of Gideon and they came to eat with us - they are from Palestine

Scarlett and Glory - copy cats!

Reah and Carlie

Defying gravity! Glug-glug!

Reah and Carlie

2011-05-04T21:13:00.000-07:00

Today Rich and I spent the day and evening in Nashville. Rich had a dr. appointment at Vanderbilt and all is well. Hallelujah! However, then we went to Costco and our checkbook is not so well after that! LOL

We've been talking about getting me a "point and click" camera so we went for it. I don't know what I'm going to take pictures of around here - but I am going to try to get the hang of it and post more diligently. I am suspecting that as I get used to the thing and am more consistent I will find all kinds of reasons to "click" away...I hope so because I sure don't want it to have been a waste of money! *yikes!*

Talked to my Dad this morning and evening. His surgery went really well and they were able to give him a very light dose of the anesthesia and a type that would have the least effect on the Alzheimer's. This morning he seemed pretty good...but he was still having difficulty emptying his bladder so he wasn't discharged until nearly 5 pm. When he got home he called me and then hung up. He told Mike that I had hung up. I called him back but the same thing happened. So Mike called me and told me that the anesthesia seemed to be giving him more difficulty as the day went on and then handed Dad the phone so that I could talk. We were able to chat for a couple of minutes but he seemed distracted. About a half hour later he called me back, couldn't remember that we had just talked, and proceeded to tell me that he had been reading from a Bulgarian Newsletter and it was quite interesting. I couldn't tell whether he was just joking around or if he was serious so I just uttered, "wow!" At which he started talking to me in totally non-sensical sentences...I think the meds and the lateness of the hour were really getting to him. We said our good-byes but not without him wanting to know how all the kids and Rich were doing and wanting me to tell them all that he loves them...so consider it done!

Dad's Surgery

2011-05-03T19:19:00.000-07:00

Today Dad had surgery to remove 3 large bladder stones, each the size of walnuts. Things went very well and the anesthesiologist was able to give him a type and amount of anesthesia that they hoped would limit the damage to his brain and cognitive function...and it looks like they were successful on all accounts. Another tender mercy!

I had a chance to talk with him and he seems to know me. Time will tell how well he comes out of it though as last time he seemed pretty lucid at times and yet now has no memory of the events. In fact, one day I was talking to him about the gall bladder surgery and he responded, "how come no one ever told me that I had the surgery?" LOL

How blessed are we to live in a day and age when these things can be taken care of. It is amazing - and I am so grateful that I live now rather than when a person would just have to suffer and even die from some of these diseases and illnesses.

Blessings, Blessings!

2011-05-03T09:00:00.000-07:00

A number of years ago, when we lived in El Centro, I had the privilege to work with a dear sister in the Young Women's program. Whenever a challenge would come up, some kind of difficulty, opportunity to serve, whatever, Sister Shareen Touchet would chime in with "Blessings! Blessings!!"   Whenever I say that I can actually hear her voice, intonation, and smile...and I have to smile myself. I would bet that Desi, Cherstin, and even Felicia have to smile too.

The first talk that Elder Bednar ever gave at General Conference, when he was called as a new Apostle, he talked about the "tender mercies" of the Lord. I frequently think about the tender mercies that He continues to bless me with and never more so than I have the last few weeks.

I think about that as I realize that it has been a tender mercy for the Lord to allow Joey and his little family to move to Ohio. It has afforded us the opportunity to be in their home, be in attendance at special events, and to hold and love this little family that we have not had too much before. In November we had the opportunity to go there and witness the baptism of Scarlett. What a sweet young woman she is growing into. Rich was able to be one of the witnesses at her baptism and to also stand in the Priesthood circle at her confirmation. Joey's blessing was tender and full of emotion as he recounted to her the many gifts that she has and how she might use them throughout her life. One of the gifts that he noted was that she has a great exuberance for life, an openness and willingness to greet everyone as if they were long lost buddies and that she would be a light to all who are around her. Boy! Is that ever true!!! She is about as loving and open as any person I have ever known.

I think about the opportunity we had to spend Thanksgiving and have a family reunion together...the financial impact, the distances some had to travel, the inconvenience of those in Wisconsin facing the hordes of family visitors, the opportunity for everyone to be there and to have family pictures...it was truly a multitude of tender mercies that allowed us to do that.

I consider my trip out west after the reunion...the ease of it, the safety, the safe arrival of Rich in Tennessee and his trip out to be with me for Christmas, the opportunity to see Felicia and spend some time with her, the opportunity to gather again with many of my extended family for the Christmas season, to be there when two great-nieces were born, and the opportunity to be with my Dad - oh, the tender mercies that allowed me to do that are too many to count.

But the tender mercies just kept coming as we headed north and east to be able to be in Wisconsin for the blessing of little Oliver. Although it was the dead of winter we were able to spend a day in Westminster, with Desi and Mike and Emily and Mordecai before we had to continue on. When I think of how lucky we are to have children so strategically placed throughout the U.S. that we have the opportunity to touch base with them and to see them, if even for only a few hours, during our travels, I am in awe and humbled to recognize both their goodness and kindness in welcoming us into their homes and the Lord's hand in bringing us safely through those very many hours of travel and difficult weather conditions.

We were literally directed and protected on our journey to Wisconsin. We were even privileged to be there in time to take William and Orion to visit Hannah and Oliver in the hospital. We were privileged to see the love and excitement of those two little boys to see their Daddy and Mommy...even though I doubt the significance of Oliver's arrival really meant much to William at the moment. And, because of the tender mercies of the Lord, Hannah's folks and youngest brother were able to be there too, the very first time they had been able to make it for one of Hannah's and Phil's babies. And it all culminated with the blessing of Oliver by his Daddy, with both grandfathers and Uncle Robert joining in that sacred event. And the Lord just continued to pour out His protective influence over our two little families in Wisconsin, Hannah's folks, and us as we traveled home.

Just a week later we had the opportunity to travel to Ohio to see Joey, Carlie, and the kids and to be there when Gideon was ordained a deacon. Despite record snow and cold we still were able to find a window of opportunity to be there to share that event, as were dear friends, Mike and Vida Preston. What a blessing that day was - Gideon and I share the same birthday, I had the opportunity to watch him take this very important step, Joey was preparing to leave the very next day for an extended TDY and yet he was still able to be there to ordain Gideon, Mike and Vida were able to come and we could catch up and remember old times, and we got to spend time with Carlie, Glory, Scarlett, Levi, and Reah as well.

We returned home to Tennessee and I set to work on making a blessing dress for Ruby. As I contemplated the huge expense that these dresses are I started to wonder how it was that I could do them but bring the costs down some.  Rich and I talked about it and we decided that I ought to open a business - hoping that because of a business license I might be able to purchase supplies at a wholesale rate - and that it really would enable me to bring the costs down. Rich ran the process down for me and I applied, the business was granted the zoning considerations, and I got the license.  As a result I have been able to purchase supplies at a considerable less expense, been able to make the dress, and have had people express interest in learning heirloom sewing...something that I would love to teach and hope to do.

As I make each dress, article of clothing, or quilt I have lots of time to contemplate life in a more philosophical way...I am surrounded with memories of my Grandmother Roskelley and my Mom teaching me to sew, crochet, embroider and do the things that I have grown to love. How wonderful it is to have the time to reflect on them and the wonderful influences they have been in my life. With each stitch that I take I have the opportunity to consider our Heavenly Father's great and wonderful plan, how we fit in the grand scheme of things and contemplate the greatness of the new little spirit that we are being entrusted with. I am eager to meet each of them, to learn of and from them, and excited to see the tapestry of our lives become even more colorful, strong, and beautiful because they were true and faithful in their first estate. I often wonder what my relationship with them was in our heavenly home, what ties are there that have bonded us and will bind us throughout the eternities?

After just a few weeks at home I flew out to Denver so that I could be with Desi and her little famly and Ruby. When I consider that I had reservations but, because Ruby decided to come early, I needed to purchase new ones, and that we were able to find the new reservations at basically the same cost as the ones we had purchased weeks earlier - that was indeed a tender mercy. I was able to spend two weeks with our little Rogers family and am so grateful that I could share that time with them. I must say that I didn't really do much to help, as always seems to be the case, but I loved being there and I am grateful for the opportunity.  It seems to me that these events are precious in so many ways - but one that I am most conscious of right now is the opportunity to see a moment in time in the lives of those I so love. I almost feel like I'm a peeping tom or something! But seriously, how sweet is it to be able to know what are the kids' favorite stories or movies, what they like to eat, their friends, their routines, their humor, their lives?

In March we again headed north to Ohio to see Joey, Carlie and the kids. Joey was preparing to leave that week for 6+ months in Iraq. We didn't want to intrude on the last couple of days that he would have with them but we did want to be able so say good bye.  I have no words to describe the depth of my emotions or thoughts about him and his little family. I wonder if, in our next life, we will be hampered by such inability. There just aren't words.   I pray for his safety and for the safety of his family. I pray that each of us, in our family, has him and them in their prayers, daily. I pray for his safe return. For some reason I feel much more apprehensive than when he has been deployed before...probably because it is for a longer time that he will be away...it isn't dread...just anxiety.  Perhaps I am becoming more aware of all the things that could go wrong or maybe I'm just getting old. LOL Anyway, he is in theater now and I just heard from him yesterday. He is "keeping his head down" in light of the increased threat due to Osama bin Laden's assassination. So far so good - and only 22+ weeks to go! If those aren't tender mercies I don't know what they are!!!!

In March Dad developed a series of serious infections that required hospitalization, and finally surgery to take out his gall bladder. Both the infections and the anesthesia accelerated his cognitive decline but he was finally discharged and spent a few weeks at St. Joseph's Villa for recouperation and therapy. We were scheduled to head out to Utah anyway because of Felicia's graduation but Rich and I talked and decided on another course of action. We drove out to Desi and Mike's (via Midwest City to see Cherstin, Dan and the kids) for the blessing of Ruby and then Rich flew back to Tennessee and Felicia and I drove back to Utah. Rich joined me 10 days later so that we could be there for Felicia's graduation and then we drove home.

Over the weeks that I was there with Dad he would lament that he didn't know why the Lord wouldn't just let him go...that perhaps the Lord didn't want him. I have thought about that so many times...why has the Lord allowed him to stay? I have told Dad that I think it is because of the Lord's tender mercies that he is still with us. Unfortunately I think Dad is having to endure the trials of eternity so that we, his children, might have the opportunity to have him in our midst longer and so that we might learn some of the special things that we still need to learn.

My brothers orchestrated their lives, family responsibilites, and business and church callings around the needs of Dad while he was in the hospital and at St. Joseph's. Each spent hours with Dad so that he wasn't alone. Because they did this they have precious memories that will forever be with them. Because they did this they learned so much about Dad and his life and legacy for us.

One day Chad and I were talking and Chad shared some of the things that Dad had been telling him. Being the oldest, I knew what I hadn't realized Chad didn't. It is an interesting thing to realize that because I am the oldest I have memories that my brothers don't...but because I left home and they were still there they have memories that I don't. Together we are able to make some semblence of the pieces and patterns of Dad's life. If I had one piece of counsel to give it would be to keep a record of our lives, daily. So often I have started, and stopped, started, and stopped. I wish I hadn't ever stopped. You think you'll always remember - but memories fade, events are forgotten, and our lives end up with huge holes in them. What may seem mundane is not. What may seem inconsequential is not. In fact, what does it say about the value we place on the lives of those we love and even ourselves if we will not choose to document them by simply recording the events of our lives, the things with which we occupy our time, our humor, our thoughts, our struggles, our very existence?

As my brothers and I work together to provide the care we know Dad needs I have high hopes that the unity that has eluded us for so many years will rule the day. I can see it coming. Perhaps one of the reasons that the Lord hasn't taken Dad yet is so that we may become one, knit together in unity and love, both for him and for each other.

When we were at Desi and Mike's for Ruby's blessing we had the opportunity of spending time with Mike's parents, John and Kathryn, and Dan's parents, Dave and Karen. Again, is it not just one of the most wonderful of tender mercies to be able to get to know and love the parents of the child who loves your child? Isn't it just so tender and special to know that they love your child too? And you love theirs? Could there be anything more wonderful? I don't think so...it just gives you a moment to pause and reflect on the truth that we really are all brothers and sisters of our Heavenly Father's family.

As we talked with John and Kathryn about their mission I had the best time learning about genealogy and family history and what needs to be done. Kathryn shared a thought that has reverberated with me. She noted that we are "bridge generation" - our ancestors only knew paper, pen and pencil on which to record the events of their lives. Our children's generation use the computer and tech devices for everything they do. Our generation is the one that uses both and can and must move the records from one type of repository to another. We're kind of like Moroni - the abridger - when you think of it. Hopefully we will preserve and care for the original documents of our ancestory but it is equally, but maybe even more important, for us to get these things into a state so that they can be shared and prepared for the things to come.

I thought about that conversation over and over again as I went through files and boxes at Dad's. I decided that I would take, as much as I could, home with me so that I could begin to do this very important work. The ironic thing is that I am practically the least technological person on the planet!!! LOL But I am hopeful about learning and doing this important work. And I know that I need to do as much as I can while I still have Dad with me...he and his generation are leaving us. So much of what needs to be done is the preservation of photos and the weeding through of duplication to find the holes that need to be filled. I can do this!

Returning home via Denver and Midwest City we again got to see our beloved families there, even though there were just a few hours at Cherstin's. We were glad though, that we left when we did. We drove through the night and had tornado warnings all about us. The skies were swirling and black, with pelting rain and hail for most of the way. That night and the next day and night (a 24 hour period) was the worst outbreak of tornados in the history of the U.S. A swath from Texas, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Alabama, Tennessee, Georgia, South and North Carolia has been mowed over. So far that are over 350 lives lost, many hundreds more still unaccounted for, untold millions, even billions, in damage...and yet we are safe.   We are safe. Just one more of the the countless tender mercies of our Heavenly Father in our lives. We are so grateful.

Today I am making preparations to return to Wisconsin and to Midwest City for the births and blessings of our little Hyrums later this month and in June. With Wanda due the 20th and Cherstin due the 29th there is a lot of excitement. I find my daughters love, compassion, and support of one another so pure and unselfish...it brings tears to my eyes. Wanda recently called me and expressed surprise that I was still coming to be with her. I had been talking to Hannah and told her that I would bring a pattern that she wanted with me when I came. Hannah had been surprised and I know that she had anticipated that she would be there to help Wanda because I would be needed at Cherstin's. Evidently she told Wanda and so Wanda called me...and she wanted me to know that although I was welcome, she would certainly understand that Cherstin might actually have the greater need because she has young children and not the ward support or family that she does. In contrast, Desi and Cherstin are aware of the tremendous need that Wanda and Hannah might have so they have devised a plan for Desi to go to Cherstin's and help her and the children so that I am free to go to Wisconsin. I tell you, I stand in the presence of Angels! I am in awe of their perfect love and support. Thank you for being the kinds of daughters I could only dare hope to have. I love each one of you (Wanda, Hannah, Desi, Cherstin, Carlie, and Felicia) so much and wish you each a very happy mother's day. Blessings! Blessings!!!!

A Legacy

2011-04-18T18:19:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about legacies lately, a lot. I don't know if it is because of the things I have been doing recently, because of conference, because of the events that are taking place, or that I am just getting older...but nevertheless I have been thinking and pondering the legacies in my own life and whether or not I will leave a legacy.

When Wanda was just born I remember Rich being so very excited about her. He wasn't allowed into my room when she was there, archaic hospital rules, so when he came to visit he could only see her through the nursery window. However, one day the nursery nurses hadn't picked her up and she was still there when visiting hours started and he came in. She had just finished "filling" her pants and I was about to change her but Rich was so eager to hold her and to touch her that he excitedly changed her diaper. I sat there thinking about how different this was than what he had said he would do when she was still in utero...he had flat out said he wouldn't change diapers! But there he was...gently caring for his little baby girl. As he finished he swaddled her and gently lifted her into his arms and looked down into her little face and, in wonder and awe, he proclaimed that he was now someone's ancestor. It was such a tender moment, a tender mercy really, that was to be played out another five times in our lives. How grateful I am for him and for each of the children that our Heavenly Father has blessed us.

As I was driving Dad back from Church on Sunday he pointed out a row of apartments and commented that a little four-year-old girl had been murdered in one of them. We both lamented the tragedy and senselessness of such a despicable act. How sad it is that precious child's life had been snuffed out instead of being cherished. I couldn't help but wonder why - what had driven someone to do that - was there such lack of self discipline, so low a regard for life, were there no support systems in place - why?

For the past few months I have been working on Ruby's blessing dress. Hundreds of hours and dollars - but mostly love and excitement - went into making her little dress.   Rich and I have tried to provide a blessing outfit for each of our grandchildren - as it has been something that we have wanted to do, except where other grandparents or great-grandparents have wanted that opportunity too.   Six years ago I decided to try my hand at heirloom sewing and creating the little dresses. I'm afraid my early attempts were made with quite a bit of fear and intrepidation. Today I am still learning and my efforts are still made with some fear and intrepidation as I reflect on what their momma's would desire and wanting the dress be a symbol that reflects our love for our little granddaughter with each stitch I take. I have only attempted once to do a little boy's outfit, that Adam wore, and I doubt that I will do too many of them as I find myself more frustrated than reflective...trying to find a balace of baby and masculinity...not easy.... I have made a dress for Ruth, Abby, Ellie, Reah, and now little Ruby - half of our precious granddaughters. Wish I had had the courage to try them with Bekah, Rachel, Mary, Glory and Scarlett. When Emily was born Desi thought she would spare me the worry and purchased a beautiful little dress.

When I arrived at the chapel on Sunday, April 10, 2011 for Ruby's blessing, I carried her dress so that Desi could get her ready for the blessing at the Church instead of trying to buckle her in her carseat with it on. Emily came sauntering in from the other side of the chapel and with a huge smile she said, "Ahhhh...I see you have your beautiful wedding dress!" I chuckled...as if I could fit such a tiny thing!!! But as I have thought about the privilege that we have had at being at so many of our grandchildren's blessings (we've been able to make it to all except Glory and Scarlett's in England) I hoped that we would also have the privilege at being in attendance at their weddings in the temple. It is my prayer that each of my grandchildren will choose to marry the right person, in the right place (the temple), at the right time...and I pray that they will make choices throughout their lives that will take them there. I also pray that their moms and dads will carefully teach them, love them, nurture them, and cherish them as the precious gifts of our Heavenly Father. When I think about the tremendous faith He has in us, to help His little ones that He has entrusted in our care, I am in awe.  It is such a humbling experience to be a parent to these perfect little ones.

When I was about four-years- old I remember sitting in our living room and being filled with love for my parents and brothers. It was a perfect love. It filled my soul and I knew that what my parents were teaching about my Heavenly Father was true...in fact...I knew that the love I had for my family, and really everyone, was because we are His children.  It was His love and I could feel it all around me - and through me. It consumed me. It brought me peace, joy, and great comfort. I have thought so often of that day...the legacy it has been in my life. So often I have hearkened back to it and remembered those exquisite feelings, and known that our Heavenly Father loves me and every one of my brothers and sisters. What a wonderful thing it would be if we could all, each and every one of us, know that we are in deed our Heavenly Father's and Heavenly Mother's children. How would it change us? I think of that and feel that it would have to make a difference to know it...but I am saddened to realize that Satan and those who chose to follow him in our pre-earth life knew that but it made no difference. Why? Obviously we all have agency...but why would you not choose our Father in Heaven? Why would someone choose Satan? The scriptures say that Cain loved Satan more than Heavenly Father, therefore he followed him. But what could entice someone to love Satan more than Heavenly Father? I just don't get it.... But in a way I do...every time I choose to disobey one of Heavenly Father's commandments I am choosing Satan...and usually I am persuaded to do that because of my own pride and my desire to escape the consequences...ohhhh such foolishness!!!

Ruby was blessed by her father, Michael John Rogers in the Westminster Ward, of the Wesminster Colorado Stake. Both of her grandfathers - John Rogers and Richard Bainbridge, Chris Reed, Tavita, Halitakoa, Corey Grip, John Burton, Rob Larsen, Bret Bowen, and Bishop Burton were in the circle of priesthood holders as she received her name and blessing. She was given the name Ruby Marie Rogers and blessed with a happy and joyful mortality, with a family that would loved her. She was blessed to develop a great love and testimony of the Savior, Jesus Christ, with righteous desires. She was blessed to be a great joy to her family and to have opportunities to serve others. She was blessed with a healthy and strong body, marriage in the temple, and all other blessing that her Heavenly Father would bless her. She was also blessed to be a light of example to all she meets. It was a beautiful blessing by a loving father, for and in behalf of her loving Heavenly Father - what a wonderful blessing and legacy.

During the Fast and Testimony Meeting I sat on the back row with Rich and with Karen and Dave Hamblin (Cherstin's inlaws) who had driven up to be there for the blessing. They have become a third set of grandparents to Emily, Mordecai, and Ruby. Just another tender mercy that the Lord provides us as a result of the gospel.

While I sat in the meeting I had a powerful and tender experience as I felt that my mother and grandmother, and even others, were in attendance too. So often I think of my Mom with great love and admiration, but also with a deep sadness and remorse...but I felt enveloped with love and joy as I felt her presence. A special tender mercy with feelings too precious and sacred for words. It only makes sense that they would be there for this special day...after all...she is theirs too.

The 10th of April is also the 46th birthday of my youngest brother, Chad Ian Pehrson. I remember so clearly the day he was born. I was 12 years old and practicing with a Primary Choir that was to sing at Stake Conference, when my father walked into the building and motioned for me to come down from the stand. He told me mom had gone to the hospital and I needed to go with him. I don't remember just where my other brothers were. We left and went up to a restaurant near the hospital. Dad told me I could order what I wanted and I ordered an ice cream soda...had never had one before but I thought this was pretty neat. Soon we were joined by another priesthood holder, I believe it was Floris Copier, but maybe not, so that they could go to the hospital and give Mom and the baby a blessing.

Chad was born at 9 lb...but was placed in an incubator. Mom was Rh- and these were the days before Rhogam. The very fact that Mom had six of us is astounding really. However, the situation for Chad was serious. His belirubin count was seriously high. Ultimately he had to have his blood exchanged twice to bring those levels down. At one point it appeared that he would be very lucky to escape brain damage...and we used to tease Chad that was what was wrong with him! It seemed that for weeks, even when they finally released him from the hospital, he was as yellow as mustard. Luckily all worked out and we were so grateful. Dad would later tease him that when they had exchanged his blood they had not put human blood back in but instead had used donkey blood - and his affectionate knick-name for him was "the donkey".

One of my favorite memories of him was when he was about 15 months old. My Dad had already moved to Germany with Derk and Mom was trying to get us packed, the house emptied and rented, and get us to Germany. Grandma was living up in Holliday and we were staying with her. Mom would go over to the house and work all day long, often taking the rest of us with her, except for Chad, leaving him with Grandma. One day Mom and the rest of us had been gone all day long and Grandma had had Chad. Chad would just go from one thing to another, getting in to things. Grandma would just get one of his messes cleaned up and he would have gone on to another 2-3 by then. When she tried to catch him Chad reacted like it was a game of "tag" and would just run faster and faster. The house had a circular floor pattern and he could outrun her easily. By the time we came home Grandma was in tears. She was tired, frazzled, and completely overwhelmed by one little "hellion."

Another of my memories was that he would eat dirt clods. The dr. had told Mom that is was probably because he was anemic but that he would outgrow it. However, when we got to Germany the houses that we lived in had lathe and plaster walls. Every wall that Chad's crib was next to had huge holes in it as he would scratch and dig at the wall to eat the plaster! By the time we moved from the house in Spesback he had eaten a 2'X2" hole!

Chad was a very sensitive child by nature. When we would go to a movie or watch TV he would often sense a scene coming and he would say, "I don't think this is good for me to see" and he would get up and leave for a little bit, but often he wouldn't return until he had queried whether or not it was "safe" to come back. LOL

When he was just three we moved from Augsburg to Kaiserslautern. One day Mom had gone to R.S. (this was when R.S. was held during the day, in the middle of the week) and taken Chad with her. As she was sitting in the meeting she heard a melodic little voice singing, "Mom, come and wipe me!"   Chad was pretty much potty-trained but she required that she or someone else take care of that final step - and he was complying! Chad wasn't embarrassed - but Mom was feeling the heat.

Chad loved music, often singing at the top of his lungs. When he was in Primary, the children were being taught a song that had "Hosanna" in the chorus. As the chorister taught that chorus she would have the children sing it over and over and over again. Our family had a wonderful family, the Swanders, that we did lots of things with and Jerry was Dad's counselor in the bishopric and Zana was a great friend to Mom. When we got home from Church Chad was quite indignant that he'd had to sing a song about Zana all day long. He wanted to know when they were going to sing a song with "O-Chad!" in it. LOL

This gift of music came naturally to Chad. He learned to play the piano and took up the Bass Violin, playing in the orchestra at school when our family returned stateside. He also found sports came very easily and loved baseball and football especially. He gave up the music in order to play ball. Sad, but true. He also has a natural artistic ability, loves to paint, do stained-glass work, etching, and draw.

One of my favorite memories of all time was when Mom was so sick. She had a terrible C-Diff infection that was just causing her such distress. In fact, it is one of the things that haunts me so - I wish I had realized how sick, how near death she was - I digress, but one night she was "sicker than a dog." The diahrea from the infection was uncontrollable and reeked. Chad "happened" to come by and Mom was so glad to see him. As they were visiting suddenly Mom knew she needed to get to the bathroom but she was so weak and in pain and her feet were wrapped and put in contraptions that made it impossible to walk. Chad moved as quickly as possible to help her but by then it was too late and Mom was in trouble. By the time we got Mom to the bathroom Mom had lost everything and the diarhea was everywhere. Mom was mortified but too weak to help herself. The smell was awful and I was struggling to find a way to help Mom without losing my dinner. But Chad, with a deftness, compassion, and strength that we needed, helped me get her bathed and dressed, all the while assuring Mom that it was no problem and that it was about time that he paid her back for all that he had put her through. Mom just kept apologizing and felt so awful to have to have her children help her like that. But Chad just wouldn't let her go that route. It was an extremely tender scene and I have often reflected on it and been grateful that he just "happened" to be there, and that when he was he was so supportive and kind. He is truly a hero to me.

Chad has worked very hard to establish his own business, has his pilot's license, and now has a wonderful wife, Ronnie, and three beautiful children, Brandt, Taylor, and Chase.  Heb, I'm so proud of you and I love you. Happy Birthday!

Prophets and General Conference

2011-04-02T22:49:00.000-07:00

Today is General Conference. I LOVE it! I read an article this week in USAToday about General Conference and the Church...it was quite interesting and amusing. It was trying hard to explain the doctrines and principles of revelation, prophets, and faith of the church and its' members. Basically I came away with the impression that "they" think we're mind numb robots who blindly accept whatever the prophet says - kind of like the Jim Jones cult - but they really did want to give the impression that they weren't biased - yeah - it didn't work! LOL

That said, I guess I can easily understand the confusion and frustration of "outsiders" trying to understand why so many of us "hang on every word" that the prophet and the rest of our general authorities tell us. I just wish that they knew of the peace and joy that come into our lives when we "follow the prophet." Sometimes the blessings are immediate, but other times it is only by looking back over a lifetime that you recognize the protection and blessings that you have received.

When I was a young girl (14-18) I was influenced by the times in which I lived. It was the height of the hippie era and that would eventually morph into the feminist movement. However, I had been raised to believe in the role of our prophets and to follow their counsels.

When I was a young child I adored President McKay and listened intently to the things he told us - in fact, I can still quote many of the things he would tell us - "no success can compensate for failure in the home" and the like. He often taught about the importance of women and their roles as wives and mothers in the home, about the significance of the great work of raising a family. I remember him talking about the dangers of the birth control pill to the family, about women who chose to leave their homes and children for careers, and about creating heaven on earth. As I moved into my teen years that counsel, as well as the examples of my parents, was firmly in place and I knew that the things that I had been taught were true. I may have been influenced by the societal changes but my moorings were solidly intact.

When it came time to choose a college I chose Ricks and then BYU. In both schools I attended classes, devotionals, church meetings, and associated with people of similar values. Again, each reinforced the teachings of my youth and from our prophets. I remember attending a stake conference at BYU where Ezra Taft Benson came and talked to us about one of the dangers that lurked for us as college students nearing graduation - the danger of being caught up in pride and in believing in the philosophies of men rather than relying on the revealed word of God. He talked extensively about the false educational ideas that were permeating our culture and society and that we needed to learn for ourselves the revealed truths that the Lord would have us know, and then to have the courage to act upon that knowledge.

As I married the feminist movement was beginning to roil. Demonstrations, magazine articles, newscasters, classes and curricula were all pushing to change the roll of women. We were being barraged with messages that we were oppressed by "male chauvinist pigs" and that sexual intimacy with our spouses was tantamount to rape. Marriage and children meant that we were living below our potential and that we were better than that - that we had brains and it was in our careers that we would make a difference. If those messages weren't well received then they added the idea that we were smart enough to have it all - marriage, home, children, and career...that it was quality time, not quantity, that mattered.

After sixteen months of marriage we moved to Australia and I was spared much of the diatribe - we only had one television station that was on for a few hours a day, very little radio, and no newspaper - for the next two years. When we returned to the States in August of 1976 it was like I have gone through a time warp. Phil Donahue, Sally Jesse Raphael, and their ilk filled the tv stations with sleaze and filth that I hadn't known even existed...in fact, I doubt many men even knew much of this stuff...I actually believe much of it was made up and promoted, perhaps just for ratings, but I actually believe that it was in an attempt to change the goal of the ideal to acceptance of the base and carnal. Barbara Smith, General Relief Society President of the Church, actually went on the Phil Donahue program to try and counter some of the trash that was being hurled our way because of our beliefs - but sadly she was mostly mocked and scorned and ridiculed.

To say that there weren't truths in some of the feminist agenda would be a lie. There were. Equal pay for an equal days' work (if all things are equal) is a noble and virtuous goal. But as with all of Satan's lies, the whole truth is seldom told or understood. To say that I wasn't influenced by some of this would also be a lie...I was. In fact, if it hadn't been for my upbringing and for our prophet I probably would have been marching in the streets, screaming, ranting, raving, and burning my bra with the rest of them.

As the 70's were coming to a close there was an all out attack on traditional values as the Equal Rights Amendment to the Constitution was debated across our great land. Each state had a chance to vote on it and ratify it. In theory it was brilliant. Who could disagree with equal rights? Not me. However, the Church and our prophet, Spencer W. Kimball came out in full opposition to it, declaring it a moral issue. As Utah prepared to vote on it there was a huge, week-long convention in the Salt Palace in Salt Lake City where women from across the state came to listen to speakers, pro and con, to caucus together, have classes, and learn about the amendment and the issues that were attendant, and to vote our conscience. A plea went out through the stakes and wards to have our membership well represented. I was selected as one of the representatives from our ward. Every morning I would drive down to Salt Lake and drop the kids off at my Mom's and then go uptown for the daylong meetings. I remember listening intently to the speakers, trying to discern why the prophet had taken such a firm line and what could be that bad with "equal rights." Every night I would go back to pick up the kids, talk with Mom (who was the Stake R.S. President in her stake at that time) about what I had learned, go back home and talk with Rich - and know that I couldn't see the problems with the proposed amendment that President Kimball was warning about. Then next morning I would start the whole process over again and spend time discussing these weighty issues with my friends and other women that I admired...all the while knowing I didn't know any more than I had the day before.

As the week came to a close and I prepared to vote, I knew that I didn't know what to believe. I felt like I imagined Joseph Smith felt when he said, "...there was in the place where we lived an unusual excitement on the subject of religion. It commenced with the Methodists, but soon became general among all the sects in that region of country. Indeed, the whole district of country seemed affected by it, and great multitudes united themselves to the different religious parties, which created no small stir and division amongst the people, some crying, "Lo, here!" and others, "Lo, there!" Some were contending for the Methodist faith, some for the Presbyterian, and some for the Baptist....In the midst of the war of words and tumult of opinions, I often said to myself: What is to be done? Who of all these parties are right; or, are they all wrong together?"....knowing that if any person needed wisdom from God, I did; for how to act I did not know, and unless I could get more wisdom than I then had, I would never know...."

For some reason Rich came to the Salt Palace just as we were preparing to vote. As we talked about how I would vote I must have expressed my self doubt because I remember him saying, "what does the prophet say?" It was totally a rhetorical question but he then added, "well, what more is there to say?" I left and voted against the amendment - knowing that I didn't have the wisdom, I could not see into the future, but I could follow the prophet and be assured that was what the Lord would have me do.

The years have come and gone, the majority of the nation has no clue that there ever was an Equal Rights Amendment to our Constitution that narrowly failed to be ratified, and I have no clue what would have happened if it had...but as I have watched our society sink into the depths of filth, degradation, sleaze, cowardice, vulgarity, crudity, and immorality, I am thoroughly convinced that descent would have been much faster, much steeper, and much deeper than it has been. As I have watched men be debased, dehumanized, and emasculated just because they are men - I am ashamed of my gender. As I have watched families fall apart, marriages succumb to divorce, children become nothing but trophies or possessions, I have seen first hand the loneliness and hopelessness of what might have been if selfishness, thoughtlessness, and hedonism hadn't ruled the day. As I have watched women who listened to the false gods that told them they could have everything, I have seen the despair when they realize that was a lie and they have sold their birthright for a mess of pottage. Today the Phil Donahue program would seem tame in comparison to what is actually going on - and we are not the better for it. President Kimball warned us, Sister Smith repeated that warning, and the Holy Ghost echoed those precious words of my husband to my very soul, "what more is there to say?" I do not regret that vote - not in the least. Some might say I was stupid to not be able to see what would happen - and they may well be right - but I have felt the blessings of following the prophet as I have watched the turmoil swirl around me and felt the peace that passeth all understanding. If that vote were to be cast today I would have no trouble discerning the right course of action. But the value of a prophet, seer, and revelator is knowing that our Father in Heaven knows all things from the beginning, He knows what is yet to occur, and that He will warn us through His prophets of the things that we need to do to escape the calamities that will come as a result of wickedness, and how we may learn His will for us, when we do not know those things for ourselves. Our prophet, Thomas S. Monson, is the watchman on the tower for us today. In the midst of the complete chaos that is our world today - I sure hope we all listen and follow him today, tomorrow, and for the next 6 months!

Home, Sweet Home!

2011-03-09T21:47:00.000-08:00

I said good bye to my little ones in Denver on Monday evening. I have such a mixture of feelings, just like I do everytime I leave one of my kids' homes. It is a sad, happy, glad, difficult time for me. I wish everyone were close by and that we could just see everyone all the time. I guess that isn't realistic...but I still wish it were possible. I thought I was appreciating that aspect of much of our time when we lived in Denver...but I find that just like my mother used to tell me to cherish my children while they were young because the time goes by really quickly, and I thought I was, my time with my children and grandchildren now also flies by and soon those opportunities are gone....

On brighter notes -

Ruby is doing really well, and so are the rest of the Rogers clan. Emily is in love with her and can hardly keep her hands off of her. Mordecai seems to be oblivious to her much of the time, unless he wants his mom's attention and her attention is on Ruby! LOL Mike and Desi seem to be handling all the stresses like the pros they are and Rich and I are eager to return in April for the blessing. While I was there Emily turned the big 5 and is eager to have her birthday party at the bowling alley. And Mordecai will be celebrating his 3rd birthday on Sunday with a little gathering of friends on Saturday to celebrate. He is having a "Batman" party with a "Thomas the Train" pinata! Kind of a unique twist, right? LOL I also enjoyed seeing old friends there - Karen Hamblin, Kathy Hickman, JoanE Linford, etc. There is a lot happening in everyone's lives...and I guess it should be that way.

Felicia and Dave have parted ways, at least for the time being. Time will tell what happens from here...but the great news is that she was accepted into BYU's Master of Social Work Program and will start classes in the fall. She is tickled pink! There were over 150 applicants and only 40 were selected...not too shabby! She is continuing to work at the State Mental Hospital in Provo - from 10 pm to 6 am - and seems to be enjoying the work, with the usual stresses of the job.

Joey got home from his TDY on Wednesday last week but he and Carlie and the kids spent the weekend sick with the flu. Yuck! Rich and I are headed there to visit them next weekend. Joey is trying to get out to Iraq before the end of this month as it will be better for them financially since he has to go anyway. I know that he, Carlie and the kids will appreciate everyones prayers and faith in their behalf. Six months is a long time! Thank goodness that we live in a day and age with modern technology - while not perfect - it is certainly better than waiting for a letter via pony express!

Cherstin and Dan seem to be doing well. They are both in school but they manage to find time to do a whole lot of other things too! Abby is learning to read, Emmett is enjoying swimming and diving, Ellie is trying to potty train herself, and the whole family seems to have acquired both a cat and a dog! It seems that the dog is only a "maybe" - but by the sounds of it I would say it is a done deal!

Hannah and Philip are also doing well. Philip is still going to school and carrying quite a load at that. I know that he will be glad when it is all over - and so will Hannah! LOL Oliver had his 2 month well baby check up this past week and is the "runt of the litter" - weighing two full pounds less than William at the same age! We just family pictures (hint! hint! to everyone else! LOL) from them and they are adoreable! William and Orion will be really glad to have spring arrive...I saw on the weather that it was snowing there today...being housebound is not cool!

Wanda and Robert and brood seem to be well too. They seem to be spending most of their time in school, going to church, and doing laundry, making meals, and everything else that seems to need to be done in a big family. However, they seem to find time to keep me apprised of the political happening there and I sure enjoy knowing first hand what is happening! LOL I read tonight that Govenor Walker had offered to compromise some with the unions but that talks fell apart because the unions wanted him and other GOP members to negotiate in Illinois but Walker said no. Can you believe that???? He actually thinks that political discussions by Wisconsin elected officials should take place in Wisconsin - the nerve! LOL

My dad is continuing to regress. I have been in contact with Derk and Mike but both assure me that I don't need to get out there before April when we go to Felicia's graduation. He has some days that are better than others - but the frequent infections are taking their toll and much of that ground is never recovered. He has some therapists coming in to help but even that is marginal. An Alzheimers' specialist came and assessed Dad and his status recently and said that he was fading fast. I guess Dad asked him if anybody ever recovered from the Alzheimers and the guy told Dad that they didn't but that he would find that soon it wouldn't be as difficult as it is right now - meaning that it won't be that much longer that he'll have the capacity to fight it as he is right now.

Well - it is nearly 1 am and I am tired. I'm heading to bed. However, I must note that I was thrilled to find that the daffodils are in bloom here - and the profusion is absolutely beautiful. Everything is green and the trees are budding, and some are in full bloom of color - spring is finally arriving! It couldn't have come any sooner!

2011-02-24T22:59:00.000-08:00

I'm writing this on my phone - hope I'm not too mistake laden!

On the 13th of this month we received a phone call from Desi which seemed to indicate that her water had broken or was at least leaking. It was late that night but Rich and I were fairly certain that my flight to Denver would need to be changed.

The next morning Desi and Mike went into their ob and they were then sent on over to the hospital. Rich made new flight arrangements for me for the next day out of Atlanta and then I proceeded to make preparations to leave. Later that evening we attended the funeral of a woman in our ward who had lost a courageous battle with cancer - but as we sat waiting for the funeral to begin we received the news that Ruby Marie had been born and weighed 6# 10oz. Mom and baby were doing fine.

The next day I flew out as planned - got in to Denver at nearly midnight and was relieved that Rich made it home safely too - at about the same time minus the time change. Desi was home with two little munchkins nestled in their beds but sitting up with a very fussy Ruby. However, after a little bit of chatting we made our way to bed and the baby seemed to do better that night than any of us would have expected. Gratefully, she has continued to sleep pretty well and seems pretty mild in temperament. Emily is in love with her but Mordecai seems to be oblivious to her, except when she is crying and he can't hear his tv program. Lol

That first week here was full of birthdays - Mary, Dan, and Emily! This week was my Dad's. How blessed we are to have so many wonderful people to celebrate!

Every time I have the opportunity to visit one of our children as they welcome a new little one into their homes I am in total awe of the plan of our Father in Heaven. The fact that He even trusts us to care for his precious sons and daughters is a real act of faith on His part, I'm sure! Lol it is always amazing to me to see how unique these tiny ones are - their personalities just need to be discovered by us! I watched little Ruby's face one evening as she struggled to stretch and then get rid of the dreaded hiccups...it was so clear that this sweet little one was experiencing in a very small measure the effects of mortality - trying to gain some kind of control over her tiny little body. Little does she realize yet that will be a life-long endeavor! In a few short months she will have moved from the realm of complete helplessness to a bundle of energy at full gait! How miraculous is that? In the meantime those tender little smiles that come unbidden from her communion with an unseen realm are just an exquisite opportunity for us to touch eternity. It doesn't get much better than that!

On a sad note - Carlie's Grandfather Fairbanks passed away on the 14th (I think. It couldn't have been much more difficult as Joey is still TDY and was unable to come home. This left Carlie with having to make arrangements for the children to be left in the care of friends and neighbors so that she could take Reah and go home for the funeral. On the bright side, Carlie had a little niece born the same day that her Grandpa passed. Again, a tender glimpse into eternity.

2011-02-10T21:17:00.000-08:00

Well - we had a chance to meet Rich's new cardiologist and I, for one, am thrilled. They have already run a 24 hr. EKG and will do an echocardiogram and blood panel next week. Rich's blood pressure was good and his heart is in sinus rhythm at the moment, all very good and so he doesn't need to resume the digoxin or the diltiazam! Yeah!!! We had a chance to ask some very pointed questions and I feel confident that they are taking our concerns seriously. I asked if there was any possibility of getting off some of the meds in the future - obviously it is something that he'll have to work hard to do and may not be able to - and they told us that some may be able to be reduced or eliminated - but right now they need to get a baseline of where he is at now.

Part of my concern about the meds is because of having watched my Mom...it seemed like they gave her one med to fix this problem, then gave her another med to fix the problem that med created, and so on, until she finally passed away. In my heart I know that isn't really fair but I really resent the dispensing of meds without investigating other alternatives first. I think many physicians become "pill rollers" because they don't believe that their patient will make the necessary life-style changes...and perhaps that is true. But it seems to me that Joseph Smith was correct when he cited the strength and success of the LDS people as a result of "teach them correct principles and let them govern themselves." I think the same thing applies to medications and health. If a patient has been truly taught all they need to know about their situation and then will not make the necessary changes - then roll the pills! But too often I think we put our faith in pharmacology rather than the Lord - meaning that He is the creator of our bodies and knows them and how they work and how they will respond...hence, The Word of Wisdom and other counsels. And, because I have battled weight for many years I understand how difficult it is to overcome self...but I also know how many times I wanted to believe that I had no control because that would mean that I am not responsible for my choices. However, no matter what fairy tale I wanted to believe, the truth is still the truth, and I am still responsible for me and my choices. I realize that I am speaking in general terms because there are health issues that are the afflictions and trials of the human condition and no one has control over, except the Lord. But most of the health issues that I personally face are of my own making at this time. I am grateful for modern medicine and the support I get...but I still think it is better to tell me or someone I love that they have diabetes or are pre-diabetic but there is something you can do about it...that you may not be able to be completely free but that there is a good chance you can be if you will just do what you need to do. And the same thing can be said for so many of the modern health issues that are part of our lives...not all...but many.

And then I really have a problem with the "science" of health too. I am old enough to remember when everyone ate butter but then a "health scientist" postulated that the reason that people had heart problems was because of butter, red meat, etc. or saturated fats and it wasn't long before the government was extolling us on the virtues of margarine and urging us to use it instead of butter. Twenty and thirty years go by and new research is showing that the trans fats in margarine are really unhealthy and what do you know - butter is really okay! Or how about eggs? Everyone ate eggs - but then came the big cholesterol scare and all of a sudden we have to eat egg whites only and throw out the perfectly good and HEALTHY yolk or use some concoction that is supposed to resemble eggs. Now new research is showing that people who eat 6 and more eggs a week actually have lower cholesterol levels than people who only eat one or none - go figure! And that the yolk has important nutrients such as lutein that are readily absorbable in our bodies which support good eyesight. Or how about coconut oil - bad for you because it is a "saturated" fat - but not so fast - new research shows it is an important component in a healthy diet, increases satiety, lowers inflammation, and is one of the few fats available to provide medium chain fatty acids. Then there is the government's food pyramid - and the whole movement to get us to lower fat - all the while we are becoming fatter and fatter as the days go by. I know - I'm on my soapbox. But even medical procedures are an area where I am suspicious - 30 years ago if someone developed breast cancer they would automatically do a double mastectomy...but now they are saying that under most circumstances a lumpectomy is just as successful. Cholesterol medication and the numbers are another area that I just don't trust - it doesn't help that the 2004 study that was responsible for the government's current guidelines was conducted by 9 "scientists and doctors" - 8 of whom were receiving payments from the drug companies that all of these cholesterol lowering drugs make and there was no real, hard data to prove that lowering your cholesterol to these numbers was even effective - but you would certainly need the drugs to get those numbers!

I know that there are lots and lots of good people who are in the medical community and they are trying the best they can to treat their patients to the best of their ability with the knowledge that they have. But I also believe that Lord knows best how we should care for our bodies and He also knew that "in consequence of evils and designs which do and will exist in the hearts of conspiring me in the last days" that we would need to have a way to optimize our health without falling prey to the snake oil salesmen of our day. Ironically there is much interest now in nutrition and herbs - but for many years our doctors went through their entire medical training without ever taking a basic nutrition course. And even now the majority of the AMA are resistant to a holistic approach to medicine. And if anyone dares to question - well - they just have to be heretics! There is so much we don't know - but too often we are expected to just follow blindly when much of what is being suggested just doesn't make sense and is counter to the Lord's directions. I think I have just decided on a major!

2011-01-30T22:21:00.000-08:00

Thanks Desi for re-designing my blog...Cherstin called while you and I were chatting and asked what was wrong with it...I had to chuckle and tell here that you had already done it. She laughed and said it looked great. I agree!

Last Monday morning I said my prayers and told Heavenly Father something like, "I love the gospel and am grateful for my membership in the Church. Please help me be mindful and recognize when and where I might stand as witness of Thee and be and instrument in Thy hands." The day went beautifully and I really didn't think much more about my prayer until later that evening when Brother White, a member of our Bishopric, called and asked if I would teach half of the 5th Sunday lesson. I told Brother White I would be happy to help - but caught myself thinking Happy???? But then I realized what my prayer had been and I really am happy to do whatever I can...but I knew the rest of the week I would be stewing about it and reading and studying and praying and stewing and reading and studying and praying. LOL I guess the moral of this story is to be careful what you pray for! LOL

So - all week long I did stew, read, study, and pray -my topic was on the Prophetic Priorities that the Stake Presidents have been taught by the General Authorities. When Brother White was talking to me on the phone the thought occurred to me to address family councils. All week long, as I stewed, read, studied, and prayed the thought wouldn't leave. As I sat down last night to try and put together some kind of outline I felt the calm assurance that I had my mission from the Lord. Today I would say that it was one of the easiest lessons I have ever given and I hope that the Lord is pleased and that there was something said or confirmed to someone in the class, besides myself, that will be of use.

I utilized Alma 48-50 - can I just say that I really love the war chapters of the Book of Mormon??? When I was younger I would gloss over them, thinking there was not much there. Oh, I knew that the Lord wouldn't have had Mormon put them in if they weren't important - but I also knew that I would have to dig and I didn't have what it takes to do that, I guess. Anyway, I remember going to a meeting with the General R.S. President once and she related to us that when she and her presidency were called, the prophet counseled them to study the war chapters and use what they received from their study as a basis for their administration. I also remember President Benson counseling us to study the last few decades prior to Christ's coming as they were parallels for our time - and they are the war chapters of Alma and Helaman! I know that there is so much more to learn and my studying and pondering this week have caused me to want to go back there and dig. I am so grateful for the Book of Mormon and Joseph Smith, Oliver Cowdery, Martin Harris, and Emma, for the Book of Mormon prophets and their families...what sacrifices they have made so that we can escape the destruction of the adversary if we will just heed and be faithful.

Battle For My Soul

2011-01-28T06:27:00.000-08:00

Cherstin or Desi - whichever of you might read this first - would you please re-do my blog????? Please???? I tried but undid what I did because it didn't do what I thought I remembered Desi showing me to do...and I didn't want to have to go through what Desi had to go through to undo the craziness that I had done on the last one trying to do it by myself...as if I could anyway...tech challenged! Fun, pretty, cute, doesn't matter - just something different than Christmas, okay? Please!!! Consider it help for the aged!!! LOL

I thought I would update about Rich's health, especially since I caused quite a stir by not doing that last week. We saw our PCP this week, she did an EKG and his heart is back in sinus rhythm. Yea!!!! His beat is still a little irregular but that may never be different because of the branch bundle pathway in his heart - which is genetic. His blood pressure was perfect, as was his pulse and so she cleared him to continue exercising and to stay off the meds they took him off - at least until he sees his new cardiologist on the 7th. Obviously, he needs to be careful and ease into this, being aware of his body, but he is able to exercise and should. He had also dropped a pound and she was pleased about that - he has just had a slow but continued drop in weight and that is probably what spurred all of the problems - his meds need to change, whether it is dosage or maybe not even needing some them. It is so remarkable to me to remember where he was in November - not even 15 months ago - and to see him today. I am very grateful for his life and for the improvement in his health. On a side note - he saw his pulmonologist in December and his FEV1 was at 40% - the best that it has been in literally YEARS!!!!

So - he and I have been going to the gym every evening after work. He has been walking on the treadmill and I have been riding the recumbent bike. Yesterday he put in 3 miles and I did 13.5 miles and then swam for 40 min. Today I think I am going to change that though - we have been going to the gym after I pick him up from work - but that means that we're not eating until 9-10 at night. I think we need to reverse the order so we will eat first and then go...and come home for a little protein snack afterward rather than a full meal. This is my analysis as I have noted that neither he nor I have lost any weight so far this week and I think the late meals may be the reason - although I also think my body does better with morning exercise - but we'll have to see how that goes in a week or so. I really enjoy going with Rich and we are having a blast. We also enjoy the fact that we can walk or use the bike in the "movie" room at the gym and we sure have caught movies that we haven't seen. Yesterday we watched "Old Dogs" - a Walt Disney movie with John Travolta and Robin Williams. We hadn't seen it because neither Rich nor I are really fans of Robin Williams - but we laughed and did enjoy it while we pedaled along.

On Wednesday Rich had an appointment with his trainer at lunch time and I had an appointment with mine at 1 pm. so we went together and I went to the movie room while Rich was working with his trainer. They were showing the last Indiana Jones movie and I was just pedaling along, but there came a scary part and I jumped and let out my proverbial scream - I was relieved that there were only about 5 people in there but they all laughed! I was glad that it was dark because I was pretty red faced! LOL

Wednesday, as I was working with my trainer, I couldn't help but notice how many older and elderly clients were working with trainers. There were people with canes and walkers and even crutches. And we come in all shapes, sizes, and weights. There are plenty, plenty, PLENTY of young, buff, energetic people working out too but it nice to see people our ages and older working to maintain or improve health. I had to hearken back to April and realize how far I have come - then I could barely hobble from the front door of Wal Mart to the motorized carts. Now I walk the store with relative ease and many days I am medication free...that's saying something. I still have a very long way to go - but this isn't a race and it is something that I will have to do for the rest of my life. I can feel the difference when I don't get the exercise in for a few days - my joints stiffen terribly and the pain returns with a vengeance.

I have been reading and studying a talk given by Melvin J. Ballard in 1921 and reprinted in the New Era in 1984 entitled, "Struggle for the Soul." Wow! Talk about prophetic!!! It has given me much to ponder and I have been considering the counsel and warning as it applies to me. I don't have much problem with pornography, prostitutes, gambling, drinking, drugs, or the like. However, I have long struggled with weight and exercise. Part of that struggle is genetics, getting the correct diet for my body, understanding true body functioning principles, etc. But I have long felt that this was a battle for my soul. In fact, when Dr. May told me that I needed to consider gastric bypass because what I was and had been doing wasn't working and I was a train wreck waiting to happen, I told her that I felt that this was something that I needed to battle, something I needed to overcome. I told her that I couldn't ever see me eating just 2-3 tablespoons of food for the rest of my life, and I have known many people who have had the procedure (or some type like it) but never known it to not have unintended consequences and side effects (some life threatening) and I had never known anyone to get to their goals and to keep the weight off. The truth is that it is still a battle, no matter how radical the surgery to alter the body. Mentally and spiritually you still have to subjugate the body - and if you don't you will still lose the battle.

Elder Ballard explains doctrinally why it is so important to fight the battle and win. He explains what is at stake and how the adversary uses our lusts, appetites, and passions to destroy us. He talks about the soul being made up of our spirit and our body - and that we came to this earth to receive a body so that we could become like our Father in Heaven - on condition that we (our spirits) are able to subdue, subjugate, and control our bodies. If we don't do that then our bodies have control and Satan will use our bodily appetites, passions, lusts, and weaknesses to bring our spirits under his control - to destroy our freedom to act for ourselves - to be in his power - to win the battle he is in against the Lord. Obviously we know the outcome of that battle - but the battle for our own souls is in doubt if we yield to the temptations of the devil. Truly, Satan doesn't care about us - he just cares about thwarting our Father in Heaven and winning the war he started so long ago - we are just collateral damage to him. How grateful I am to the Lord for his prophets who teach and warn me, for the Atonement, for my body that can and will respond to my spirit no matter how inexperienced and weak my strength to do so is at this moment, that I know that as I increase my efforts and consistency that my spirit will gain more and more strength and control, and that my Heavenly Father wants me to win this battle and will do everything in His power to help me - if I will just call on Him for His aid and do my part. How cool is that???? Thanks to my Father in Heaven, right now I am winning that battle one day, one moment, one mouthful, one step at a time.

Training and Rich

2011-01-21T07:56:00.000-08:00

Rich and I have been talking about consolidating our gym membership and usage for a while now and we finally did it. We joined National Fitness Club and it is just a little over a mile from home - wouldn't be that if it weren't for our winding roads! LOL

Part of our membership package is a free assessment about where you are, fitness goals, and to help you get to know some of the machines, etc. One of the other other reasons, I'm sure, is to try and get you to hook into their trainers.

Well - I have been talking about getting a trainer for a while and Rich had one at the cardio-pulmonary rehab at the hospital and since we're a little anxious about our transition we decided to go with one of the training packages and see what it can do for us.

When Rich had his assessment he had barely done any of the exercises when he became ashen color, very dizzy and light headed. The trainers thought it was probably low blood sugar as he hadn't eaten for a few hours before coming. He was so out of it and miserable. They gave him some orange juice, let him lay down for a few minutes, and then I took him to eat and over a little while the episode subsided. We figured it must have been the low blood sugar. However, yesterday he went to his regular trainer appointment and had the same reaction. This time I got him to the car (he actually wanted me to call 911 - that's how miserable he was) and drove him to the ER - less than a mile away. I was a little concerned that the episode would have faded like the previous one did, by the time we got there and into the ER - but it hadn't. His blood pressure was 80/50, pulse was 46, and his pulse ox was 82. No wonder he was light headed! The ekg revealed no "p waves" meaning that the heart wasn't beating in the right place. They ran bunches of blood labs, more ekgs, ct scans and xrays. I really liked the ER dr. I learned more from him in the few minutes we had to see him than in all the time we have seen Dr. Sharma, Rich's cardiologist. In the end, the ER doc gave us a choice of having him admitted or coming home, resting, and checking in with Sharma this morning. We opted for the latter, even though we have no confidence in getting through and seeing Sharma today. We both think it would be a good thing to try and find another cardiologist - one that isn't so difficult to get in to and one that seems to know Rich.

Well - calls to Sharma's office did go through - the person who took Rich's call said they would pull his record from last night and get right back with him - that was 3 hours ago - still no word.

New Gym and Glory Hallelujah

2011-01-07T22:09:00.000-08:00

Rich and I have been gym shopping this week. It is something that we have been discussing for a while - I love the gym I started with, the patrons, the staff, etc. but 32 miles a day is a ridiculous amount of wear and tear on a vehicle, gas expense, and time when there is a perfectly good gym less than a mile from home. I have been trying out the different gyms to try and get a feel but tonight we bit the bullet and enrolled at National Fitness. It was actually fortuitous as they were running a new year's promotion which waved the enrollment fee. All in all we ended up saving money as both our memberships is only $10 more than my old one and Rich's membership at the cardio-pulmonary rehab had a co-pay every time he went. I especially like the idea that we'll be able to go workout together - although anyone who knows us may question how that will really work out since I am becoming more and more of a morning person and Rich is becoming more and more of a night person! LOL

It is interesting for me to note how much better I do with daily exercise. It just isn't about the weight loss, but it is about the flexability, range of motion, endurance, strength, and the endorphins. Everytime I think about "endorphins" I think about the scene in "Legally Blonde" where Elle is talking about the fitness guru they are defending and she says something to the effect that, "exercise gives you endorphins, and endorphins make you happy, and happy people just don't shoot their husbands...they just don't!" I think one of the things that I am most surprised about is how true that is - I really do have a happier, more calm, even relaxed feeling when I am exercising regularly and I notice the difference in how my body responds physically too. Who would have guessed that at 57 I would have become a gym rat?!?!? LOL

I would like to think that I will be able to achieve my weight loss goal this year but I'm really not worried too much about it as I know that with consistent exercise and good nutrition I should manage to get healthier each and every day. So, I wonder where I will be in December 2011...but I am not worried about it...and that's a good thing.

Today is Glory's 10th birthday. I remember grimacing a little when Carlie and Joey first told me that they were going to name her "Glory". I guess I couldn't quite imagine it - why not "Gloria" or something more conventional was my initial reaction. However, it wasn't long before I had not only gotten used to the name but really embraced it. I still think of the phrase "Glory, glory Hallalujah!" whenever I say her name - but I truly rejoice in her birth and life! Our family would just not be the same without her! Hallalujah she is ours! Happy Birthday, Glory!!!

Priesthood in Action

2010-12-13T21:27:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I took Dad to Church. We went to St. Joseph's Villa where Mom was a patient and where they both served their mission. Dad loves it there so much and I can certainly understand why.

The first time I ever went to a meeting there I was truly humbled by the simple faith of the members and the kindness of the people providing services for those who cannot do for themselves. This entails helping the patients get from their rooms down to the chapel, passing out hymnals, passing the Sacrament, giving talks, prayers, greeting, taking the patients to Relief Society or Priesthood Meeting, and then back to their rooms, etc. The particular Sunday that I visited, a ward in the Stake was providing support for the branch. The majority of the support came from young men and women. It was an extraordinarily touching scene to watch as young, Aaronic Priesthood holders passed the Sacrament to the members of the branch. There was a woman in attendance who was obviously in some state of dementia or forgetfulness. She clung tenderly to a life-sized baby doll and would intermittently sing to it. As the Sacrament came to her the young man helped her balance the baby doll so that she could partake of the sacrament, and even patiently helped her as she tried to get the baby doll to take the Sacrament. Another woman was blind and another young man gently helped her by pressing the bread and water gently to her lips. Another woman seemed almost catatonic - but as the young Aaronic Priesthood holder helped her get the emblems to her mouth it became clear that she was having difficulty even chewing so he touched her mouth and jaw ever so carefully to help her chew. I was reminded of the Savior's love and service as I watched these young men stand in the shoes of the Master to provide the life-saving tokens of the Atonement to the "least of these".

Yesterday the ward that was helping seemed to be comprised more of middle age people...in fact I don't think I saw a youth at all. However, the scenes played out there were just as touching as they have always been. There was an older gentleman, perhaps in his 60's, that was wheel chair bound. Another Brother wheeled him to the area that the Aaronic Priesthood sits so that the older gentleman could pass the Sacrament. At first I didn't think anything of it...but after the prayer was said the scene that unfolded was truly special. The Brother that was assisting the gentleman in the wheelchair quietly took a foam rubber "dowel" that had a slit in it the length of the dowel and placed it over the handle of the Sacrament tray. Then he took out a velcro strap and when he had helped the man put the tray in his hand, he wrapped the strap around his hand so that he could secure his grasp around the handle of the tray. He then pushed the gentleman to each member on his assigned route and then back to the Sacrament table where the whole scene was once again played out in preparation for the passing of the water. It was truly humbling to see the service of both the Brother in the wheel chair AND the Brother who was assisting him. Truly the Spirit confirmed the holiness of this sacred ordinance and I have reflected over and over on the kindness, dignity, and charity that was in evidence.

The speaker spoke on the gifts of the season and the gifts of the Spirit...and the gifts that we can give to our Savior and our Father in Heaven. He suggested that "our life is God's gift to us.... How we live our lives is our gift to God."

Felicia and Dave came up from Provo and they, along with Brian and Lori and Dad and I had chicken fajitas for dinner. The Dave, Felicia, and I drove up to Temple Square to see the lights. It was beautiful...and if I knew how I would post a picture from my phone...but we know how well I know how to do that! LOL

Dad did fairly well with only a few moments of confusion. One of the most memorable was when he was trying to fill out a tithing slip as he prepared to go to tithing settlement. He struggled to know the date. I told him it was the 12th. But, he just sat there and then said that he didn't know how to write that...I told him but he still had difficulty and so I got up and went to the table and wrote Dec. 12, 2010 and 12-12-2010 and told him that he could use either one. However, he was having difficulty even knowing where to write it so I pointed to him where the date should go. As he finished copying it down he said, "isn't it a shame we need to have all those numbers...but I guess that's just what you get when the Federal Gov't gets in the middle of it!" LOL

As I watched him really struggle and work to make his appointment for tithing settlement, go to the church twice, and face his uncertainty in trying to fill out the slip I marvelled at the goodness of this man who is my father. He pushed to be able to complete this year and to declare his love for the Lord, despite infirmity or confusion. What a tremendous example he has been to me. I don't know why I have been lucky enough, or blessed enough, to have him and Mom be my parents - but I am certainly grateful they are. I really am like Nephi of old!

Lewy Body Dementia

2010-12-10T20:01:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, when I went to the Utah Alzheimer's Association, the woman I spoke to suggested that I do some research into Lewy Body Dementia because it might be a better fit for Dad's diagnosis than Alzheimer's. Late last night I had a chance to do some of the research and it seems to me that this is a perfect description of what may be happening to Dad. It explains the great fluctuations and variations in Dad's alertness and confusion, his dreams - that have gone on for so many year, the shuffling of his feet and the falls, his hallucinations, and even his sensitivity to meds used to treat his dementia. I hope that we are able to get him into the University of Utah's diagnostic center asap. The outcome for the disease is not all that dissimilar from Alzheimer's but I am hoping that there are things to do that, given and accurate diagnosis, my actually improve his quality of life.

Felicia came up from Provo with Dave and we went to dinner. It was sure nice to meet him and he seems like a very nice young man.

Alzheimer's

2010-12-09T19:48:00.000-08:00

This morning I went out with Mike to his neighborhood rec center again. I put in 5 miles on the recumbent bike and then went swimming for about 30+ minutes and then headed back to his home for breakfast. I think tomorrow I might try just doing laps and see how that goes. The gym I go to has no dedicated lanes for lap swimming and so I haven't tried it - I will at least give it a try. They say you should mix up your work outs and this will definitely do that! LOL

When I came back here I went to check on Derk. He was barely holding his own. He had a colonoscopy this afternoon - they biopsied his color (approx. 2 feet were highly inflamed) - and he has more tests scheduled for Monday and next Friday. Hopefully they will have some of the results back soon and we'll know a little more.

This afternoon I went over to the Utah Alzheimer's Association to see what resources they could tell me about. The lady (Calleen) was extraordinarily helpful. I am so grateful that there are associations like this one and people like Calleen who can help point us in directions for help that we don't even know exist and give aid and comfort as we face the challenges that will inevitably come our way - and so that we can help Dad get through what has to be some of the most terrifying moments he will have ever faced.

Tonight Brian fixed chicken enchiladas for supper and Dad got up to get glasses for some drink - but he looked absolutely helpless as he tried to find the glasses. He finally explained to me, as he opened the frige, stove, and drawers, that he didn't know where they were - especially since all the cupboards had been changed. LOL

I spent the better part of the afternoon/evening calling and talking to Brad, Mike, Chad, and Jim about the information I had learned from the Alzheimer's Association and trying to get possible dates that we can all meet with the clinical social worker at the Association to learn about the disease, its' progression, and resources and other particulars that we need to know about so that we can make informed decisions on Dad's behalf. We are all united in trying to help Dad in whatever way we need...but there is strong disagreement about the diagnosis and even about the progression of the disease. Hopefully we will all benefit by this meeting and we'll all be on the same page from here on out.

I received good news from Desi this morning - it seems Emily's eyes are working the best that they ever have! What a blessing and what a gift! She has been through so much. I hope that things just continue to improve.

As I checked in with Brad this afternoon I had a chance to catch up with Tristen - she sure looked good even though I am sure she is ready to have her little one. Hopefully she will have the baby this week and all will go well...and for Brittany too! How fun it will be for two little cousins (actually - I guess they will be second cousins) to be born so close to one another and to be able to know one another - what a blessing!

I'm missing Rich tonight - not like I don't miss him every night - just that tonight I really would like to have him here.... The 22nd can't come soon enough!

Salt Lake

2010-12-08T21:14:00.000-08:00

I arrived in Salt Lake last night after having traveled here from Wisconsin by way of Denver. I stayed at Desi and Mike's for a few days and really enjoyed having time to relax and enjoy their little family. We went to the rec center and played in the pool, went to Costco and Wal Mart, played with play dough, went to the Mall and looked for makeup and the kids made a bear for Ruby, ate at Red Robin, enjoyed church - especially Mike's lesson, and I even had the opportunity of being with Emily and Mordecai so that Desi and Mike could have a night out together. It is always so much fun to visit but sadly I had to get on my way....

My trip to Salt Lake went without incident and rather quickly. I only had yucky weather and roads between Cheyenne and Laramie - but that pass always seems to give me trouble. I love serius radio - was able to listen to talk radio the entire trip! The weather was cold - but my heater worked and I also had good cell reception most of the way so that I could talk to Rich and others too.

Just as I neared Park City I received a call from Mike (my brother) wanting to know if I was on my way...LOL He told me that he would tell Dad I was about a half hour out and as I drove in Dad was standing outside in the cold, waiting for me. It was pretty tender.

I wanted to get to Costco for a few things and so I invited Dad to join me and surprisingly he decided to join me. It was in this venue that I could see the continued onslaught of the Alzheimer's. In my research of the disease I have learned that visio-spatial capacities are the first signs of the disease and it was in full evidence as Dad tried with all diligence to navigate the cart down the aisles - but he really had difficulty keeping it in the aisle and not hitting the shelves. He also had great difficulty in opening the freezer doors - most often he was standing in front of them and then tried to open them - he seemed confused about how to move his body so that it would allow him to fully open the door to get to the food. His gait is perhaps only about 6" - more of a shuffle than a walk - this makes the time it takes to walk an aisle very long and going from one end of the store to another very arduous on him and others around him. I am not sure what has caused the unusual gait pattern - almost walking on his heels - but I think it may have some bearing in his balance issues.

When we got home he was able to stay engaged in our conversations and seemed to really enjoy the sociality. However, as the night wore on you could tell that the trip had taken its toll and he was tired. He fell asleep in his chair and at one point he woke up, stood in the middle of the family room holding a conversation with someone...after a time he turned and saw me and looked kind of sheepish and said, "I must have been talking to that chair." I don't know if it was confusion, hallucination, or visual difficulties that were at the heart of the matter.

Today I woke early and headed to Mike and Shauna's so that I could go with them to their rec center to work out. I really enjoyed my time there and it felt so good to be back in the gym. Afterward I had breakfast with them and then headed home. I stopped at Derk's to see how he was doing as Dad had told me he had been very ill - but he was on his way for a scope of his stomach. So I came home but Dad was in his room with the door closed and I thought he might be napping so I went to check in on Lexie. I had the opportunity to get caught up on their family and to talk politics for a while before I headed back to Dad's.

I had some lunch and then Dad asked if I would take him to the Credit Union and to the store - so off we went. We ended up at Wal Mart and Dad decided that he wanted to go in to look for his Orange Crush. He did pretty well although all the people, aisles, and products seemed a little overwhelming for him.

We came home and watched a little tv and relaxed. There was one incident that caused me a little concern as Dad wanted to get something that was on the piano in the living room. We were sitting in the family room. He stood up, shuffled a few feet and then seemed genuinely confused. I asked him if he needed anything and he told me that he wanted to go to the piano but he continued to just stand there. I asked him if he wanted me to get it and he said that he could do it but that he just didn't know where he was. I tried to clarify so I asked him if he wanted to go to the piano. He said yes but that he just didn't know where he was so that he could get there. I pointed to the living room and that seemed to give him some direction and he shuffled on.

In the early eveningI tried to get a hold of Derk - to no avail - so I drove over but no one was home. I then drove back to Brad and Lexie's and got phone numbers and talked to Julia - the scope revealed a very inflamed stomach and they will do a colonoscopy tomorrow. I came back to Dad's and Laurie and Brian had supper ready and we enjoyed spending some time just chatting. I am tired tonight and I know that Rich is too as we both had a late night last night (he was tutoring me on how to send docs back to Felicia - he said it was very painful! LOL). Hopefully everyone we love has had a great day and will sleep well tonight.

Musings

2010-12-01T23:24:00.000-08:00

Today I made some peanut brittle for Philip, meant to get it done when everyone was at the reunion, went to Miller and Sons to buy soda for Rich and got 2 liters each for the kids, and then headed off for Colorado.

It is bittersweet to leave Wanda and Robert and Philip and Hannah and their little families. I wish I lived closer so that I could have more frequent contact. I wish I could have that same privilege with Cherstin and Dan, Joey and Carlie, Desi and Mike, and Felicia. Somehow I didn't really anticipate the day when they would be gone. I had children because I love them...and I am thrilled about the choices they are making in their lives and how they are raising their children...just not thrilled to live so far away! However, on the bright side, if I didn't live so far away I wouldn't have the privilege of visiting them in their homes (night and day) and that gives me a wonderful opportunity to share memories in a different way. I was sharing with Bekah and Rachel that I had learned to play Dr. Mario as a result of visiting with Wanda and Robert every time a new baby came to them...it has taken me 12 years to learn to play the game! LOL

The trip west is a long one. I have stopped for the night in Lincoln, Nebraska. I was traveling just fine until it got dark...I feel concerned and frustrated by my night vision. The lights are blurry and have halos around them - doesn't matter if it is the tail lights on a vehicle or store signs. I am having difficulty determining distance as a result and unable to read the signs as well. I am assuming it is the effects of the cataracts - diffusing the light. I don't know for sure...but I think I am going to have to get back to my eye dr. when I get back to Tennessee.

I talked to Brad for a few minutes. I am having difficulty talking with Dad - he doesn't answer his cell and can't seem to hear me on his home phone. So I called Brad. He is concerned for Nathan, Jessican and Baily still and my heart goes out to them. Worries never really end and sometimes it is difficult to have faith...especially in the midst of difficulties.

Desi had her ob appointment and ultrasound today. The baby's kidneys are still enlarged but there is no worsening. I think Desi felt better about this visit. She is scheduled for another ultrasound in three weeks.

Driving gives me lots of time to think, duh! As the miles rolled on I reflected on some of the things I have learned about love and relationships during the course of my life. I remember feeling, as a young child, an overwhelming love for everyone. It seemed that love was "heavenly" in nature...a result of my life with my Father in Heaven and the fact that I had just recently left that abode. Over the years those feelings and the understanding of the eternal nature of our lives have stayed fairly constant...but too often the "natural woman" has overtaken me.

I think I have begun to learn that the Lord really does have the answers...something I have always known...but not something that I have always sought with the diligence I should. I picked up a book entitled The Love Dare a few years ago. It is the story of a couple with marital difficulties, on the verge of divorce. The premise is that loving and doing, as the Lord would have us do, can change and heal relationships. It is scripturally based and has steps to take that require an individual to act in faith. I read it after having been separated from Rich while he was working in South Carolina and Tennessee...it seemed that our time apart had taken a toll...each of us had gotten used to doing our "own thing," so to speak. I wasn't really worried that we were on the brink of divorce...but I knew that we weren't always on the same page and that conflict would be the result if we weren't careful.

Over the last year, as I have struggled to overcome my extreme obesity (my relationship with myself), I have more and more come to realize that the Lord has the answers to this challenge as well. Turning to the Lord, seeking His face, honoring my covenants, and employing the atonement really is the answer to every difficulty. These aren't just platitudes - but realities.

Too often the world would have us believe that the problems we face are the result of others and their actions. There is truth there - but I am finding that more and more the problems are a result of my own relationship with my Savior and my Father in Heaven. When I focus my attention on Him and His Son my relationship with myself and with His children (whether Rich, my Dad, my children, grandchildren, or even a stranger) inevitably improves. The world would have us believe that our situation and our relationships would change if external change occured - if the other person just changed this or that or if there were more money or yada, yada, yada. This philosphy is "the philosophy of man mingled with scripture." It ignores the reality that we have the power to change our circumstances and relationships, through the atonement, and that change affects everything and everyone within our sphere of influence and it is a source of great joy and happiness to us, those within our sphere, and our Father in Heaven. It takes faith to believe that the answers really are as simple as the Lord teaches us...it is easier to believe that someone else needs to change than to exercise our faith in Him because that requires us to act and accept responsibility for our actions - to focus on our becoming who we should be rather than judging another. Sometimes I wonder how the Lord hasn't just thrown up His hands in frustration as I have been so slow to learn...I am so grateful for His redeeming love.

Primary Programs

2010-10-24T12:35:00.000-07:00

Today at church we had the Primary Program. It was truly a remarkable program and I was so struck by the power and the influence of the Spirit as it bore testimony to me of the truthfulness of the doctrines the children talked about and sang. I thought of our precious grandchildren in Wisconsin, Ohio, Colorado, and Oklahoma who would be participating in a program in their wards and of the their parents who had participated in our ward programs through the years. I even thought back to the beginning of time when I was a child participating in them. I thought of Abby reciting her part to me yesterday for her program today and how it warmed my heart to know and feel of the pureness of her faith in our Savior and Heavenly Father.

I am grateful to dedicated teachers and parents through the years that taught me, my children, and now my grandchildren. Their powerful influence is often under appreciated, even by them. My parents were valiant teachers of the gospel to us, their children. It seemed to me that we had Family Home Evening nightly when I was young. Every night we gathered together in the living room for prayers and then trudged to the kitchen for our vitamins and then Dad would give us piggy back rides to bed. Dad taught us how to conduct meetings, the priesthood offices of the church and church government, and often bore powerful testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel and the restoration of the Church. Mom, in contrast, seemed to find some gospel principle in everything we did, saw, or experienced and never let the opportunity go by to teach us what could be learned.

I remember attending Primary as a Sunbeam and I even remember that in my class we were learning how to set the table with construction paper place mats that had outlines drawn on them for the plate, glass and silverware. I don't remember what was said, perhaps we were being taught about the blessing on the food, I don't know....but what I remember most vividly was having the Spirit testify that what my teacher was teaching was true, that this was the Lord's church, that He loved me, and these truths were the same thing that I had been and was being taught by my parents.

A few years later we were visiting my Grandmother in California and there was a new hymn for the Primary that had been introduced for the coming years' Sacrament Meeting Program, "I Am A Child Of God." However, Elder Kimball had listened to the song and suggested that there was a change that ought to be made. The chorus of the song had been:
Lead me, Guide me,
Walk beside me.
Help me find the way.
Teach me all that I must know
To live with Him someday.
He suggested that the "know" wasn't good enough - that it didn't go far enough. He urged her to consider changing the word to "do" because we would need to know and to do to be able to return to our Heavenly Father someday. I remember listening to the hymn and loving it immediately - it felt like I had always known it. I also remember the discussion around the dinner table about Elder Kimball's suggested change. I was taught important doctrine there and knew that I was indeed a Child of God.

Years later, as a teen, in the turbulent 60's there was great public discussion about the existence of God, whether He was Dead or not, who we are, where we came from, agency, the power of "the devil made me do it," and life after death. There was a transcendental fervor and the hippies were driving the discussion. I remember sitting on my bed one afternoon and looking in the mirror, thinking, "who am I?" It didn't take 2 seconds before the answer came - I am a child of God. It was concise, succinct, and powerful. I knew who I was, I knew God's plan, and I would follow Him in faith. I had no doubts then and have none now. Some would call my faith nothing but brainwashing - but I can no more deny my knowledge of these truths than I can deny that I am a living, breathing human being. They have provided a sure foundation that has brought me great joy through the years.

Many years later I would have the opportunity to teach these truths in my own home and to my own children. I have often thought of a charge that Pres. Harold B. Lee gave to the CES leaders about teaching in a talk entitled, "Loyalty." He said, "You're to teach the old doctrines not so plain that they can just understand, but you MUST teach the doctrines of the Church so plainly that no one can misunderstand." I tried to do that but I was surprised one day when Cherstin came to me and asked when her knees were going to turn gray. She told me that she had been waiting and waiting and just wanted to know when that was going to happen. I was confused and tried to ascertain what she was talking about. Finally she blurted out, "you know, 'I am a child of God and so my knees are gray'." I started to chuckle when I realized that she had the words wrong and so I enunciated them as clearly as I could. However, I was stunned when she repeated them back to me, "Oh! 'I am a child of God and so my knees are great!'" Obviously the difficulty was with the word "knees" and I needed to spend some time teaching the doctrines taught in the hymn! LOL

I never, ever watch and listen to a Primary Sacrament Meeting Program without thinking about Joey's first one. As a child Joey was high energy. Always on the go. Always with something on his mind. And always fully engaged in whatever he was trying to do. His Primary teacher, Sister Schwendiman, was a young mother who seemed to appreciate the wriggles, off-the-wall comments, and eagerness of the 12 three year olds who were her class. Joey adored her. We were glad about that because it meant that he was more apt to follow her directions and be obedient. He had gotten dressed that morning in his little blue suit, vest, white shirt, and tie. But unknown to me was how excited he was to be wearing his brand new "UnderRoos" (themed underwear - in this case - Superman). Seated on the stand with his teacher and his class, and the rest of the Primary, things looked pretty good. Rich and I were seated in the middle of the congregation and I looked up in horror as I realized that Sister Schwendiman was paying rapt attention to what was happening at the podium...but further down her row was Joey who was obviously not paying attention...trying to show his buddies his new UnderRoos. It would have been okay if he had just told them about them but no! he had to show them and he had decided that it was best to take off his suit coat, vest, shirt, tie, and pants so that the class could see it all! LOL I was mortified and Rich just couldn't contain his laughter...nor could many in the congregation. With the snickers and laughter it wasn't too long before Sister Schwendiman looked around and saw what was happening...she was pretty mortified too! LOL Through the years I have often thought of this incident and in my own mind it has become somewhat of a metaphor to remind me how quickly we can become distracted from the things of eternity by the cares of the world...and how we can never take our eyes off our responsibilities and charges because it only takes a moment for disaster to occur.

Rich seldom ever watches a Primary Program without remembering sitting in the congregation with Wanda (age 2 1/2) and Joey (nearly 1) while I was on the stand playing the piano. I remember looking down and finding that he and the children were not there, but it wasn't until after the meeting that I learned what had actually happened. Wanda was just learning how to go potty and we had taken her to the bathroom before the meeting began. Things had gone well for them through the opening of the meeting, the sacrament, announcements, etc. but about half way through the program Rich heard a waterfall and looked around to see what it was just as he was getting thoroughly soaked. Wanda had been standing on the wooden bench and just let go. Rich said that it was a veritable lake on the bench and he quickly used the blanket he had with him to mop it up the best he could and then he grabbed the children and fled the chapel in his soaking wet suit. LOL When I reflect on this little event I am reminded of the legions of men and women and children who patiently support behind the scenes and acknowledge that without their support much of what gets done would never have a chance of being accomplished if not for them!

This year Desi and Cherstin have both expressed their love for the music that the children have learned for the Sacrament Meeting Program. They have delighted in teaching their children the songs and the doctrines contained in them. And the children have loved learning the songs and singing them at the top of their lungs...anywhere and everywhere they go. And, because they have sung them with such gusto they have even had the opportunity to teach nonmembers a little of these sacred truths. Out of the mouths of babes! We really are the leaven for this world.

Sister Lant, recently released General Primary President, said:
"Brothers and sisters, we are the angels that Heavenly Father has sent today to bless the children, and we can help them to one day see the face of the Savior as we teach the principles of the gospel and fill our homes with the joy of living them. Together we can come to know Him. We can feel of His love and His blessings. And through Him we can return to the presence of the Father. We can do this as we are willing to be obedient, faithful, and diligent in following His teachings."

Gratefully. because of faithful parents and teachers there is a whole new generation who are preparing to do whatever the Lord requires and because they are armed with knowledge and faith and testimony they will be able to do so valiantly and will assist in bringing our Heavenly Father's children home to Him, to live in His presence, to see His face, and to be together forever.

Emmett and Memory Lane

2010-10-23T20:58:00.000-07:00

Okay - Cherstin - I have tried to post on the Family Reunion Blog but when I log in I get here - from a dashboard????? I have no idea what that is or how to get on to the other blog - HELP!!!! LOL

Today I have been awfully teary. I have been cleaning out the garage (almost done!) and as a result I have come across all kinds of wonderful memories, and some sad ones too. As I sit here tonight I am noting that it is our little Emmett's third birthday - where did the time go??? It seems like only yesterday when I reached down into the isolette and held him for the first time. He was the most peaceful little guy - nothing seemed to rattle him. He loved to be swaddled and the more tightly the better. Who would of guessed that he would have grown into such a bundle of energy and excitement? The words, "I do it myself!" will always have such special memories attached to him as he tries to do anything he decides he wants to do. You have to walk a fine line with this little one so as to not destroy his little spirit all the while you are trying to safeguard him, siblings, and property! LOL I hardly ever go in a door when I don't think of him trying to open it and hold it for others to go through - he tries so hard to be a "gentleman." While I smile about it now I do have to say that is can be awfully frustrating when you are trying to hurry or when someone else is trying to go through and he DEMANDS and COMMANDS they give way! More than once we have tried to explain to stranger that he is trying to be a gentleman and they still seem skeptical about his ability to open and hold a door that is huge and heavy without help - and you better not help! LOL With such fierceness of independence, pure defiance, and strength of will it might be easy to miss how really loving and open he is, and that would be a tragedy. There is a goodness and gentleness in his nature and a readyness to learn and to explore. I sure hope that he has a wonderful day today!

As I think about him my mind races through all of my precious grandchildren, to their parents, and to my childhood. It seems like just yesterday that I was a little girl in the home of my parents. I thought they were perfect! I wanted to be just like them when I grew up and now, suddenly, I am not just a mom, but a grandmother of 21 with 4 more due! How did that happen? (okay - I know about the birds and the bees - geeeees! LOL)

Time really does fly on wings of lightening. I have often said that I had thought I would be a mother of preschoolers forever - but it seems as though it sped to warp speed when Wanda went to school. Oh, I am here to say that every phase of life has its beauties and difficulties - but I sure loved being a wife and a mom and having my little ones. I loved being pregnant and feeling their life blossom within me. I loved the special bond of nursing them. I loved watching them grow and reach milestone after milestone. I loved learning about who these spiritual giants are with whom we had been entrusted. I love them. I love the beautiful, talented, wise, kind, and special sons and daughters that they have chosen to spend eternity with, and I love their children, each and every one.

My mother used to tell me to cherish the moments then because they are fleeting. I always wondered why she told me that so often. I was cherishing them - but as I am now where she was I realize just how fleeting those moments are and today I have sauntered down memory lane and wished too often that I had done a better job of journaling, scrapbooking, letter writing, calendaring, and taking pictures during those wonderful, stressful, event filled days. They are days never to be forgotten and I am so grateful that I have had the privilege of spending my days with these wonderful, magnificent, funny, compassionate, smart (the adjectives could go on quite literally forever, you know?) people. I can only pray that we all keep the commandments of our Heavenly Father, honor the covenants that we have made, and do all that we can to be worthy to kneel together as a family in the courts on high...it won't really be heaven to me if even just one of us isn't there!

2010-10-13T11:42:00.000-07:00

I hate being technologically challenged!!! I really do!!! I was reading the kids' blogs and wanted to post a comment on Desi and Mike's to Emily but I can't get it to work. Go figure! I tried everything I knew, but nada! So, Emily! I am so proud of you! You read the story beautifully and you didn't even get frustrated or anything...just kept sounding out any word that was more difficult! You were AWESOME! :) You'll have to read for me at the family reunion! And I can't wait to see you!

This has been an emotionally difficult week for me. Last week we marked the 1st year of Mom B's passing. We had gone to the cemetery and landscaped her grave - put some plants there and some edging. All the while I noted how much I would love to be able to do that for my Mom's - especially because she loved going to the cemeteries in Germany and seeing how people cared for the graves of loved ones. And, I also noted how often Wanda has said that she wished Mom could be buried in one of the cemeteries in Wisconsin because they give family quite a bit of latitude that way too - and how Mom would have loved it.

On Monday Rich and I headed back to the cemetery to put water on the flowers as we have had no rain to speak of. We had also put a bench at the foot of the grave and so we sat and reminisced about Mom and I think Rich has finally come to terms with her passing. He thought she would always be around and I think it has been hard for him to accept that she isn't with us anymore, except in spirit. I think he still feels a little bit like she is still with Marsha and Blair or back in California - but obviously knows that she isn't.

We know that she really was ready to go - she had been for quite a while. But I think we all feel like if she had had the colonoscopy like she should have then she would still be with us. I know part of her frustration was the fact that her independence was gone as a result of the macular degeneration - but in so many ways I felt like we were just really getting to know her and would have relished more time to do that.

I pulled out her death certificate and wanted to put things in motion to have her work done for her...but it still sits on my desk...not because I have any hesitancy about having the work done...I guess it is because in some respects it really does make her gone. Crazy thinking, I know, but nevertheless, it is the way I feel.

Then, today is the 6th anniversary of my Mom's passing. You would think that it would get easier as time passes...but I think for me it is actually the opposite. I didn't cry really for her when she passed - I was glad that she was no longer suffering and I know that she suffered far more than I even had a clue. However, I have been more emotional and weepy the last couple of days...I miss her so. Several times I have found myself thinking I ought to call her and then pulled quickly back - it isn't like I don't know that she is gone - just that I would so love to talk to her, tell her how much I love her, miss her, and need her. I would love the opportunity to tell her how grateful I am for her example of faith, courage, optimism, love, compassion, creativity, empathy, wisdom, endurance, testimony, and her thirst for knowledge and understanding and that I so admired her and have wanted to be like her all of my life. In many ways I think that is a tremendous compliment to her and the life that she led. Unlike so many in the world today that do not want to be like their parents - the fact is that my parents are wonderful examples and if I could ever develop some of the qualities that they have I would be very lucky. Every time I read the first passage of scripture in the Book of Mormon I think of my parents - "I, Karen, having been born of goodly parents...." I don't know why I was so lucky to be born to them but I am surely grateful to my Father in Heaven that I was.

It wasn't that Mom was without faults...I don't want to procrastinate or be late, or be overweight, or be organizationally challenged...but if those are the only problems she ever had she was a Saint...and in fact she was. She loved the gospel and the Savior and our Heavenly Father. She loved the Book of Mormon, Church History, and Family History. She loved the church and she loved serving in it. She loved watching BYU devotionals, in fact, any talk or religious discussion on BYU tv! She loved BYU football and basketball games - and my dad - enough that she would watch them over and over and over again. LOL She loved the hymns, the Relief Society, and the General Authorities and any counsel they gave. In fact, she loved and could find good in ANY human being because she knew that they are her brothers and sisters, and Heavenly Father's children - a fact that often resulted in an interesting discussion whenever anyone suggested that someone wasn't behaving as a Child of God. And she loved us unconditionally - no matter what we did or didn't do - she loved us and understood us and wanted us to be happy and to live valiantly so that we could all be together in the eternities. In fact, one of her favorite stories was the one about the dog chasing the squirrel and finally getting it and having a chair for every person in the family and not wanting any empty chairs in the Celestial Kingdom. For as long as I can remember she had credited Elder Faust with the story but I think he may have been the one to relay the story to her, but that the story was from another of the twelve.

Mom loved and appreciated beautiful things. I remember going to a crystal factory when we lived in Augsburg. We watched as the craftsmen etched and cut the crystal on a huge grinding wheel - all without benefit of measurement or pattern. All the while she would be teaching us about the intricacies of what they were doing and helping us appreciate the beauty that they were creating. It was the same story on a trip to a china factory - watching the pouring, the firing, painting, glazing, and the firing again of beautiful china. Or her appreciation of German candle making, wood carvings, windmills, tulip fields and gardens, porcelain dolls, stained glass, cathedrals, marble inlaid floors, crystal chandeliers, fine quilting, tatted lace, beautiful embroidery and tapestries, castles or log homes, it didn't matter because she could always find the beauty in something.

I remember her taking a watercolor class in Germany. I recently came across a couple of things that she had started and they are beautiful. I gave them to Chad because I know that he appreciates the fineness of her work and understands and feels a special connection to her because she taught all of us love and appreciate the arts. Mom knew and encouraged the development of the talent and love Chad has for these things - they took a stained glass class together, they did glass etchings together, and she was constantly encouraging him as he worked in construction to do fine and beautiful work - not just functional work.

She did that for each of us. She recognized early Mike's artistic ability and encouraged him in the same way. When Mike first took up oils and acrylics his teachers would have him "copy" the works of the masters. It didn't take long before we liked what Mike could do even better than the masters! LOL She always understood his need for aesthetics...even when it meant hundreds of dollars and great inconvenience. She understood that practicality was important but that beauty could calm the soul. She also recognized that he has a great marketing sense - he is the consummate "idea man" and much of his creativity and expertise comes as a result of his "critical eye" in seeing how things, ideas, and opportunities are presented.

When Derk was a young teen, I remember he wanted a motor for his birthday. Dad didn't want anything of the sort - it would be messy, greasy, oily, and of no use. But Mom realized that Derk has a kind of engineering genius and needed to take things apart, put them back together, to see how things work. One year, on a trip to Scandinavia, our VW bus was having engine problems. We were going through very small villages and long open roads and the bus was obviously on its last legs. However, Derk was able to get out and fiddle with the motor every few miles until we got to a city that had a repair shop that could fix it! Dad was pretty glad to have Derk's skills around that time. LOL Mom gave Derk the encouragement that he needed to pursue his talent and she and Dad always appreciated the fact that he is always coming up with something new or inventing something or knows how to do anything that none of us know. A common mantra has become, "call Derk...he'll know how to fix it!"

When Brad was born Mom had gone through quite a period of depression. She had tried all kinds of things to try to beat it but she struggled for quite a while. Mom and Dad had been concerned about this pregnancy anyway because he was due just one year after Derk was born, Dad was bishop, and I, as the oldest of four was only 5 years old. But with typical faith Mom felt that the Lord would help them through it all. Brad was the quietest and calmest of babies, rarely fussing and easy to love and care for. Those personality traits have always been a part of him and Mom was quick to note that had it not been the case his long hospital stays when he got the fishhook in his eye or when his retina tore would have been far more difficult than they were. Mom was also quick to realize that "still waters run deep" and beneath Brad's easy nature there was a keen intellect, natural leadership, wisdom, and a spine of steel.

Mom's pregnancy with Jimmy was a long and difficult one. She hemorrhaged several times and we nearly lost her and Jimmy because of the placenta previa. Months of bed rest were Mom's lot and she often said that while those months were tremendously difficult - they were also wonderful tutors. I remember spending lots of time on the bed with her while she read to us, taught us, and helped us with everything from childhood squabbles to deciphering recipes. Jimmy was delivered by c-section and 3 weeks later Mom went with us as a family to Timpanogos Cave - now I shudder at the idea but then I was just glad that she was with us. Mom, as usual, was a great student of her children. She learned everything she could about them and then used what she had learned about us to teach us to become our best selves, believing that each of us had strengths and weaknesses. Mom recognized Jimmy's gentle spirit and his great love for nature. She spent many hours camping and fishing with him, and with all of her kids, and enjoying the Uintahs, Payson Lake, Utah Lake, Lake Powell, Bear Lake, and everything in between. She always knew that he would eventually have to leave the Salt Lake Valley for more remote locations and that he would always be his own boss. She recognized he had the intellect, drive, and natural instincts to do whatever he wanted...I don't think she was even surprised when he ran for public office.

When I talked with Dad I knew that it was going to be a very difficult day for him. He misses her so and I think that the 6 years without her have been extraordinarily long. He says that she has been visiting him, many times over these past years, and cannot wait until the day that they are united. I too look forward to that day. I will never be able to thank her enough for all that she did for me and taught me. Her love for me and the rest of her family was unconditional and full of patience, long suffering, and kindness. I will keep trying to measure up to her - because I love her.

Grandma Roskelley

2010-09-28T05:18:00.000-07:00

When I was visiting Dad earlier this month I tried to go through some of the "stuff" that drives him crazy and that I worry about because often in between unimportant things VERY important things are nestled. You have to go through each piece of paper because you never know what you will find.

Well, I did find something that I found absolutely stunning...it was the adoption decree from a judge in the state of Montana granting the adoption of my grandmother, Wanda Bingham Roskelley to James Howell Hendricks! I had known that my grandmother loved this man, that she felt like he really loved her and cared about her as his daughter. I had known that he had married my great grandmother in Montana and that Grandma had stood with them during the ceremony, holding his hand, and she felt like she had married him too. I had known that he had been the one to pay for Grandma to go to Valparaiso, Indiana to boarding school and that she had absolutely loved that experience. I had known that he had talked to my great-great grandmother about adopting her and that she had felt that it was inappropriate because there was no tie to her once her mother had divorced him. I had known that adoption was something that she would have wanted, but I didn't know that it had actually occurred. I brought the decree home and placed it in my file with the intention of scanning it and other important papers and photos so that each of our families might have copies.

Well, on Friday of last week I decided that it was time to clean out the garage. We have been here for a year and while it has been an event filled year - I want to finally be settled. I still have things to do and boxes to unpack and pictures to hang, etc. but I really am feeling the desire to make this house a home. It is time to get all the boxes gone!

As I opened box after box, putting some things away, putting other things in a give away box, stacking things I don't know what to do with at the moment, finding things that I once knew we had but had forgotten, and gathering a huge pile of things that need to be organized at a later time I came across a navy blue paper Book of Remembrance with my Grandmother's writing on it. It has her handwriting on the front but to my knowledge I have NEVER seen this before. When I opened it I was amazed to find she had started tracing the genealogical lines of James Howell Hendricks and even had a family group sheet with her as the adopted child of James Howell Hendricks and Julia Abigail Smith Bingham. Again, I was STUNNED!

Chills come so easily as I consider the feelings that accompany these two events - I cannot dismiss them. They are miracles to me - not any less earth shattering as the parting of the Red Sea. The implications of these finds and their full ramification are not known to me at this time. I am still trying to grapple with what I know and what it means - and trying to determine what should be done with this information. I did a quick Family Search scan to determine if any ordinance work had been done - and after just a cursory look I cannot find any.

Perhaps the thing that is so troubling to me is having some idea of how my Grandmother felt, especially in her last years. During much of my life she didn't talk too much about her feelings about her life and especially as a child. But, as her life drew to a close she became a bit more open and expressed a little of her feelings of abandonment and lack of love from her biological father, Parley Pratt Bingham, Jr. and her mother. She had written several autobiographies or life histories and when you read them you can understand why she did feel that way. However, in all the genealogy that she ever did, and I have the original Book of Remembrance that she made for me when I was a baby, she never had anything about James Howell Hendricks. She used the biological lines exclusively. I guess that is why I didn't believe that the adoption had actually happened. I do remember my mother often wondering where my Grandmother's original Book of Remembrance was because she believed that there would be things in there that weren't part of the records that she had given us...but she (Mom) also believed that Grandma had taken her book apart to make copies for each of her children so that they could have a record too, and she felt that it had never been reassembled.

So, what is to be done at this point? In light of the knowledge that the adoption did occur and how much Grandma loved him, do we drop the Bingham line? This doesn't feel right - while I know that Grandma felt abandoned and unloved by her father it doesn't mean that was the case. His life was further complicated by the fact that he had remarried and had children by that marriage - in fact - those children became beloved brother and sisters to my Grandma. I also know that my great-great grandfather Bingham always tried to maintain family ties with Grandma, just as I would do if something like this had happened in the life of one of my grandchildren.

Do we just add the James Howell Hendricks line as a collateral line? Somehow that doesn't feel right either. Great-grandpa Hendricks went out of his way to formally adopt Grandma when her mother passed away and she had no parents to speak of. Grandma's mother had divorced great-grandpa Hendricks when Grandma was eleven. Her mother died when Grandma was 15 and great-grandpa Hendricks cared enough about Grandma to pursue the adoption of her at that time, with it being completed when she is 16. I don't know what her relationship was with her biological father at this time - and the court was satisfied that he had abandoned her when the adoption was made - but perhaps that was just legalese and great-grandpa Bingham knew that by giving up his parental rights Grandma could have a home where she felt loved and wanted - and while he may well have loved and wanted her - he may have known that she would never "feel" that way about him or the home he could provide for her. I also know that Grandma's association and love for great-grandpa Hendricks spanned a lifetime. It wasn't until I found the Book of Remembrance that I was able to piece together the ties that bind. During the depression Grandma and Grandpa went to Washington to live - they lived in the same area as great-grandpa Hendricks - and in fact - he passed away shortly after my mother was born. Obviously Grandma felt the safety and love of a parent. The records that I have don't specifically state it - but I wonder if Grandma had gone there after her divorce from Grandpa after Jack was born. And then, Granpa went there to effect a reconcilliation - which actually did happen and they were remarried and had Gale and Mom and eventually Vance before divorcing a final time.

What would the Lord have us do, considering the two miracles that just occurred? If, indeed they are miracles as I feel they are, wouldn't that indicate that the work needs to be done? I doubt there would be any difficulty in doing the work in light of the adoption. I am so glad that the Lord gets to straighten this all out in the eternities! For now, I guess I will just put one foot in front of the other and pray that the Spirit will direct me to know what to do. And right at this moment I am so humbled and awed that a man who had no responsibility at all would rescue my Grandmother, love her, and care for her. That he would recognize that he had the power to help her and give her the stability she so needed and then act on it - even in the face of opposition from well intentioned family and others who might deem it unseemly - is a true testament of the kind of man he was. It would seem that Grandma was a great judge of character because she loved him too.

It's a Journey

2010-09-23T10:40:00.000-07:00

On Monday I went to see my primary care physician. Can I just say that I think she is great!?! Anyway - I was down another 30+# and she was thrilled about that, as am I. And my blood pressure was absolutely perfect and so I am now off all blood pressure meds - a pretty wonderful non-scale victory! I am walking better and better all the time - but the knees and legs are still shot and going to require replacements in the future. At the moment the plan is to fight my way through the pain with hydrocodone and get at least another 75# off and re-evaluate. She also said that she thought that there was a good possibility that that could be my goal weight due to my height and bone structure. I have real mixed feelings about that. I would love to be "done" with this phase and on to the maintenance part but there is another part of me that doesn't want to stop there - I really do have a goal to become my best self and I don't think that is 75# away - but more like 125# away. However, I haven't seen that number in 35 years - so maybe I will be happy with it....

So tomorrow I go see my ortho dr. to discuss getting more synvisc injections. I hope he is as pleased with the weight loss as is Dr. May (so far I have lost 312# of pressure on my knees and that is pretty spectacular) - but I know his concern is to get me to the place that I can have the surgery and fully recover and regain strength, flexibility, range of motion, and full use. That will have to be a future thing - not there yet.

Did see my podiatrist last week and he was very pleased and at one time regaining full use of my replaced toe looked doubtful - but if I keep up the water aerobics and working it I may be able to break down the scar tissue and fully recover. I would like to give it another 6 months to see if I can do that before I decide which course of action to take with my other toe - a complete joint replacement or fusing...right now I would like to believe I can have the replacement - we'll see.

Rich's health continues to improve and maintain - lung functions are stable, cholesterol is down, weight is down, off all diabetes meds, no oxygen, and no A-fib. He is having some discomfort/pain in his upper left side of his abdomen and Dr. May had him have a CT scan this morning because there was blood in his urine. The blood in his urine has been a problem off and on for a few years and every investigation has determined that there was/is nothing to worry about. This is the first time that there has been pain - Dr. May wants to make sure that the kidney is fine and that there are no stones. If the CT scan is clear then he'll probably head back to the gastro dr. for another colonoscopy - it has been 18 months or so since the last one so he's not really due one - but with his mom passing away from colon cancer it is something to rule out. All in all I feel much better about his health now than last year! LOL duh?!?!

Dad and Alzheimers

2010-09-16T06:40:00.000-07:00

I thought I would take a moment this morning, it has been way too long since I have done this, and write a couple of things that have been going on.

A few weeks ago my Dad had been having some health problems and so Mike and Dad went to see Dr. Lundsberg who prescribed him with a new antibiotic. About the same time that the antibiotic was prescribed Dad also had some difficulty taking some of his meds. Whether he took more than he should have, didn't take them, etc. I am not really sure....but I digress. Brian, my nephew, and his wife have moved in to stay with Dad and help him with some of the things that we, as a family are concerned about. Brian and Laurie take care of meals, dispensing meds, and help in ways that let Dad have his independence but allow us to feel more certain that he is okay. However, Brian and Laurie were seeing a steady decline in Dad's functioning. Dad was falling and having other difficulties which alarmed them and they called Mike when they found Dad on the floor and unresponsive one morning.

Mike quickly came in and decided that he needed to get Dad to the Dr. Dr. Lundsberg examined Dad but felt it was better for Mike to take him to the emergency room because he was exhibiting signs of a possible stroke. So, after Mike had taken him there, Mike called me to alert me to what was happening. They spent the entire rest of the day and into the evening assessing Dad and his situation - did EEG, CT scan, EKG, blood work, etc. and finally admitted Dad. It was determined that he had not had a stroke although he was having neurological problems, hallucinating, and definitely not responding well. The E.R. docs told them that they thought it was probably medications that were responsible for the problems that they were seeing.

Slowly, over the next few days, Dad got better enough to be released. But the dr. there said that she believed that he had Alzheimers and made an appointment for them to see an Alzheimers specialist. I told Mike that I would like to be there for that appointment and so I made arrangements to fly out.

Unfortunately, due to other constraints, I only had 5 days there. However, I am very grateful for those 5 days. The Alzheimers specialist ran a battery of tests on Dad, met with Mike and I for a personal assessment, reviewed the results from the hospital workup, and talked extensively with Dad before making a final diagnosis of Alzheimers at a moderate to moderately severe level. He prescribed him a new Alzheimers med and will meet with him in about 3 months to assess how the med is working.

Perhaps the most illuminating thing to come out of the visit was the fact that Dad seemed to feel much better and more relaxed. The dr. told him about the disease, what to expect, that we'd made some good decisions already in trying to help assure his safety while at the same time trying to maintain as much of his independence as possible, and what could be done to try and help treat it. Dad was asked how long he felt he'd been having these kinds of difficulty and he told them probably over the last 7 or 8 years. I was stunned by that response. Dad and I have talked about Alzheimers, memory loss, and he has reached out when he has become lost or couldn't remember something. However, without an actual diagnosis, I never felt like I could definitively say what was happening nor did I know how to address his concerns other than to say he needed to talk to a dr and find out what was happening. When he said that he had been realizing it for that long I felt so sad - how alone he must has felt all these years - he'd laugh and tell us about some of the silly things he had done, joke about it, voice frustration about not being able to remember something or getting lost, which was his plea for help. He must have felt a great sense of relief that it was finally out in the open and his concerns were being taken seriously. It wasn't that we didn't take them seriously before - we tried our best to make decisions that have his best interests at heart...but we always talked around "it" instead of hitting "it" head on. I don't know how that might have changed things but I do think it may have relieved some of the anxiety he has been feeling for a long time.

Another great thing that came from the meeting was they gave us a lot of info about how to care for someone with the disease. How to communicate with them, how to address some of the difficulties that will become increasingly troublesome, and things that we need to consider in the long term. I have had them emailed to each of us kids and have suggested that we email them to our children so that they will know how best to relate to Dad, especially now.

Shortly after Mom died I remember wondering if Dad could be having these problems. I discussed it with the guys but they thought I was being overly dramatic and over the top. They believed it was a lot of the stress from Mom's extended illness and from losing her, age related, just his idiosyncrasies, or even a plea for attention. How I wish I had just bulldozed my way through and gotten a good assessment done before I had returned home...but it was easier to believe that it was some of the other things than to face this too. Perhaps it was easier to see because I lived so far away or because when I came there I was actually staying with him rather than being there only a few hours and then leaving. I don't know...I just feel badly that I didn't act sooner. Now, looking back, I can see there were telltale signs well before Mom's passing. In some ways their relationship was so symbiotic that I wonder if Mom knew.

The summer that Mom died I had gotten after her to be more patient with Dad because he was doing so much for her. I felt like she was a little ungrateful and because of how badly she hurt she didn't recognize how much he was doing. Hindsight truly is 20/20 because now I believe I would have realized how his difficulties were impacting her more and I would have and should have been more sympathetic to both of them - should have stepped in and provided more of the support and care than I did. I failed them both. Hopefully she will be able to forgive me and, having learned at her expense, I will have the wisdom of Solomon to help me and my brothers help Dad.

I can see the toll the worry is taking on Mike. I think I will be heading out there several times a year for an extended visit to provide some relief for he and his family. Derk and Julia are the salt of the earth and just have a special way of diffusing whatever seems to be causing Dad discomfort. They just keep constantly serving him and he so appreciates them and how they make him feel. Lexie and Brad are also providing that constant care...cleaning bathrooms, changing sheets, doing laundry...whatever it takes to help and he is so grateful to them for that because they just seem to know he can't do it for himself anymore. Chad and Ronnie are there too - I think they make Dad feel young and of value - they often include him in watching a game that Chase is playing in or some other activity and it helps him feel connected. Jim and Maria are in regular contact - but with them living so far away and with their lives so full it is hard to be of direct help. I understand that - I find my long distance relationship wholly inadequate to provide any real help to the people there or to Dad. Hopefully my travel out there will help out on the margins...and if it becomes a viable opportunity I would sure love Dad to come here...but I worry so much about what that would do, not only to Dad, but to the rest of the family as well.

I got a call two days ago from Dad. He wants Derk and Julia to be able to go to Europe. He feels badly that Julia is the only one that hasn't been there. Dad was trying to find his old passports or his birth certificate. I had uncovered them while I was out there. This isn't a convenient time for Julia to just pick up and go but I hope they will actually find a way to be able to do that. Spring would be a much better time to go...rather than late fall or winter. Secretly I think Dad is remembering lots of those times and wanting to visit and share them before he loses those memories too. I don't know how long he has before that happens...and I don't know how well he would manage...but it is on his mind now and that is what matters.

Deanna Johnson, a dear friend from El Centro, learned first hand how hard it is to live with regrets. She shared with me some of her experience and wisdom when we lived there and I have never forgotten it. I have not always acted on it to the best of my ability - but I have never forgotten it. I can't change the past but I can act today. Tomorrow today will take its place in the past...and over time I will be able to soften my hard edges, my harsher judgements, and intemperateness...because I have acted and lived today so that I will not have regrets.... Hopefully I will do that each and every day. I pray for the wisdom, courage, patience, kindness, understanding, and energy to do so in every facet of my life.

Memorial Day

2010-05-31T18:41:00.000-07:00

Today was a beautiful day in East Tennessee. The temperatures were more moderate than they have been (low 80's) and the skies were blue with hardly a cloud in the sky until afternoon, when we had a sudden cloud burst.

Wanda called earlier in the day and it was fun to talk with her and she reminded me of a few Memorial Days when we were in Germany, trips to Verdunne, Bastogne, and Luxembourg. I had a chance to walk down memory lane as I recalled the first time I visited Verdunne with my parents and brothers, as a teen. Verdunne, France was the site of horrific fighting during World War I and has deep ruts and craters that are camouflaged by the heavy forest that is encroaching upon this hallowed ground. It wasn't until years later when Rich and I took the kids to see it that I could fathom the significance of this cratering of the earth - that these were the pock marks of heavy artillery, hand grenades, and bombs - the scars of human struggle against tyranny and domination - the fight for freedom. It was gratifying to watch my children have the same reaction that me, my brothers and parents had when we saw all the graves and walked through the memorial - but the real horror of war became became even more clear to us, and to all who still visit, when we saw a large marble structure, shaped like a coffin, with sides and ends made of glass, wherein the remains of all of those for whom there was no ability to identify, their arms, legs, fingers, skulls, ribs, feet are displayed. I cannot even imagine what it was like to pick up the pieces of their mangled bodies that littered this sacred ground and to place them in that tomb. It is at once both grotesque and humbling. I don't think there is even a way to know how many men are entombed there. It is a stark reminder of the price of war. How many sons, dads, brothers, uncles, and even grandfathers paid the ultimate price?

Over the course of my years in Europe we visited Bastogne many times. It was the town at the heart of the Battle of the Bulge during World War II, liberated by the blood of American soldiers and, still to this day, the people of Bastogne honor them, those who so valiantly sacrificed themselves for them. Truly, the Savior's words, "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends" ring so true here. When I consider the real cost of so many lives to liberate so many people I am in awe of their courage, their dedication, their humanity.

A trip to Luxembourg is always a sobering reminder of the price that so many have paid. Thousands of white granite headstones, row after row after row, with small American flags at the base, each denoting the life given on behalf of our nation and our people. It would seem a small thing to stop and remember their sacrifice on Memorial Day.

The other day we were driving through Knoxville and a car in front of us had a license plate that indicated the owner was a "gold star" mom. That alone caught my attention - here was someone who knew first hand the sacrifice of her beloved son, given in the line of duty and love. Another bumper sticker also caught my attention though. It read, "If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you can read this in English, thank a veteran." It was a sobering reminder of how many men and women, over the course of our history, have contributed to securing my freedoms and my way of life. And it was also a stark reminder of how many people around the world owe their lives and freedoms to our country and its' military as well.

Marsha and Blair had driven up from Albany, Georgia for the weekend and we had a great time with them. Yesterday we took a trip out to the cemetery that Mom Bainbridge was buried in and put flowers on the grave and discussed such things as whether or not to plant permanent miniature rose bushes there and put a bench nearby.

Today Rich had the idea to go and visit the National Cemetery in Knoxville and we all decided to go. Many, many of the men interred there died during the Civil War, in battles in the area. Men and women from the Spanish American War, World War I and II, the Korean War, the Viet Nam War, and from our current, ongoing wars are represented in this cemetery. Each grave was marked with a small American flag. We had the opportunity to remember and to be grateful for their service. And, indeed, I had the opportunity to remember how many of the people I love have given service to our nation in the armed forces. I wish to thank them and to honor them. Both Rich and I have uncles, Uncle Romanus and Uncle Gale who lost their lives in battle. Our fathers both served. Two of Rich's brothers and his sister have served in the Navy, Rich served in the Air Force, our son, Joey, currently serves in the Air Force and our other two sons - Robert, served in the Army, and Dan currently serves in the Air Force.

When I was a teen I sang in the ward choir. One year we sang The Battle Hymn of the Republic. It was a stirring rendition and I especially loved the third verse:
In the beauty of the lilies,
Christ was born across the sea,
With a glory in his bosom
That transfigures you and me.
As he died to make men holy,
Let us live to make men free,
While God is marching on.
I am reminded of the promises that the Lord has made to the people who inhabit this great land. I know that it is only by our righteousness that we can secure these blessings and it seems to me that we are about to careen off a cliff if something doesn't happen soon to help us remember our Lord and his commandments. Perhaps the thing that has to happen is for us to live to make men free. Perhaps we do that in some measure by serving in the armed forces. But in reality - we do that by living and doing as our Father in Heaven wants us to, by sharing the gospel, and becoming a force for good in our homes, our neighborhoods, our communities, and our nation. Each of us can do that. Each of us must do that. Because, while so many in the world do not believe in God or in His statutes - the reality is that He is marching on - and His judgments are sure - and we, who have been so blessed by the gospel and the atonement of our Savior can give our lives to help others become free to choose liberty and eternal life.

God and the Gym

2010-05-26T19:52:00.000-07:00

Today I had a rather odd, although very humbling experience. I have been going to the gym in Clinton now for about 6 weeks. I haven't missed a day and am finding that I am getting stronger and have greater flexibility and balance - all pluses if you ask me. And, I continue to lose weight and inches - never mind that it will be months before it shows. LOL

The people who go there are an interesting mix. Since the gym is affiliated with the therapy center many patients transfer to the gym when their therapy is over - there are people who have MS, stroke recovery, knee and hip replacement, and anything else that seems to need therapy. Many of these patients are older - probably in their 70's. They all seem to know one another and it is almost like a social club. There are young people who come in - they seem to gravitate to the yoga and pilates classes and other such activities. There is a pretty good group of people who are physically fit and have been doing this for years - it is obvious that it has been a way of life. And then, there are the ME's - people who are morbidly obese, with aches, pains, and illnesses that the obesity is aggravating and they are trying to take back their lives.

There is a lady that is in one of the water aerobics classes that is turning 95 on Friday. She was a math teacher at one of the high schools here for years. She retired in 1976. She drives herself and in every way seems capable and able.

There is a gentleman that often uses the equipment next to mine who is 98. His daughter brings him in everyday- she assists him in getting into the seat of the recumbent bike - and then goes and exercises herself. He pedals away for a full 30 minutes, at a pretty good pace, all the while he is talking to other patrons. He is lucid, hears well, and in every way seems to have much more life in him.

Another gentleman comes in daily as well - now he reminds me of the energizer bunny. He works the Nu-Step machine (an aerobic exerciser that is easier on the joints than the bike - it is what I use) twice each day for about 30 minutes at a time. He will use the tread mill, the elliptical, the rowing machine, and every piece of strength training equipment in the gym. He isn't a casual exerciser either - he goes at it full tilt. He is boisterous, friendly, and quite gregarious. He seems to know everyone in the place by name and everyone seems to know him.

Anyway - today I arrived at a time when there weren't many people in the gym - just he and I. We were using the Nu-Steps and I had my I-touch going with a conference talk on when this gentleman started talking to me. I took out the ear piece from my ear and proceeded to answer his questions and was quite surprised when he called me by my name. He wanted to know where I lived, where we had moved from, what my husband did for a living, etc. And then he said, "I want you to know that you are inspiring to me and everyone else here. I told my daughter in Nashville about you. She has been going through a nasty divorce and has put on quite a bit of weight."

I was caught completely off guard and kind of laughed nervously and then said, "tell her to lose it quickly before she gets to be big like me and it takes so much effort to get it off! LOL"

He responded by saying, "Well, I told her about you, coming every day and working out like the devil. I told her that you're looking good and that if you can do, so can she! All it will take is some dedication and commitment like you have."

I was so flustered I didn't know what to say - except "thank you!" It was just an odd thing to have happen - but as I said before, very humbling. I am grateful for his support and for voicing it. But it has caused me to wonder about the sphere of influence that we have. I suppose that sphere is far greater than we will ever know, ever can know, for good and for bad. And what he doesn't know is the battle I had within myself to even go there the first time - that basically I am a coward! LOL

Ironically the leaders of the church have been asking us to use our influence to make that which is good popular and that which is bad unpopular - and while I have always known that we have some influence - I hadn't ever really considered that I had any influence to speak of - except for perhaps with my children - and I am not even sure about that! LOL I am not suggesting in any way that my going to the gym and working to lose weight and get healthy will really change anyone else's life but my own - but I really hadn't realized that people really are watching us in everything we do, everyday. I have lived in my own little bubble for so long that I guess I just thought that I was invisible or blended in with the scenery - now that is rich irony considering how much weight I have to lose! LOL But seriously, how much good could I do if I would just open my mouth? How many times have I passed up an opportunity to share the gospel because I have been in my own world rather than in the world around me? What would my sphere of influence be if all of my actions were congruent to the things that I know to be true? How much damage have I caused when my actions haven't reflected well on the Church, its' people, or even the Lord? Perhaps that is why this was such a humbling experience - because my eyes have been opened to the knowledge that in every way I need to reflect my Heavenly Father's love for His children, His gospel, and His church. I do love my Heavenly Father and I have really always tried to keep His commandments and to live my life according to the gospel - but I have done so very imperfectly and have not always done the right thing even though I may have been trying to do it. Perhaps today and this gentleman's comments were one of the Lord's very many tender mercies in my life that will help me continue to try to master and conform my life more perfectly to my Master's. My mom used to have a favorite saying on her wall - "Please be patient with me - God isn't finished with me yet!" There could be no truer statement than that about me!

Wanda Marie Bainbridge Husted

2010-05-18T10:31:00.000-07:00

Today I have the opportunity to pay tribute to our oldest child, the child my father says made him old TWICE! She was the first to make him a grandfather AND then she was the first to make him a great-grandfather! LOL

From the time that Rich and I were married in April 1973 we wanted children. Month after month we were disappointed. In the early part of 1974 we received orders to move to Australia. We were very excited and wanting to have everything in order, we made appointments in June of that year with our Stake President to have our temple recommend renewed, just before we left. After our private interviews he brought us together to talk for a few minutes. He asked us about our future plans and whether or not we wanted children. Rich assured him that we did but that it just hadn't happened yet. Then he surprised both of us by asking if we knew how. I think it is one of the only times that I have ever seen Rich blush - he turned beet red and stammered, "Well, I think we do." To which the Stake President responded with, "I don't mean that. This is what you do: you fast together and then you give your wife a blessing. Consummate the blessing and you will have your child. It is that simple." Rich and I left his office that evening and we decided that we would follow his counsel, after all, he was our priesthood leader. We left South Carolina a couple of days later and drove to Salt Lake, with a stop at Richards Gebar, Kansas for a TDY enroute. When we arrived in Salt Lake I was pretty sick - I had been given some medication for a kidney infection and was reacting to it badly. However, as the week passed, Rich and I decided that it was time to follow what the Stake President had directed. I think both Rich and I had thought that what the Stake President had told us would actually come to pass - but I don't think that either of us thought that it would be immediately.

We stayed in Salt Lake to visit family for the month before heading to Australia. It was a relaxing and enjoyable time - except that I was having stomach problems and not feeling well - I believed that it was probably due to my kidney problems and the medication. I was grouchy to the max - in fact - Rich couldn't do ANYTHING right! One evening we attended a baseball game that my brother, Chad, was playing in and Rich yelled at the ump. I was mortified and we had a huge fight...we stayed after the game and talked in our car (the police came and routed us out of the parking lot because they thought that we were involved in something else LOL - they didn't know that it was a fight!). I told Rich that I wanted a divorce. I just couldn't see us being married anymore. I was crying and very distraught. Rich was very patient and VERY rational. He said that if I didn't love him anymore then a divorce would be fine with him because he didn't want to stay in a relationship where he wasn't wanted or loved - and then he told me that he loved me and didn't want a divorce and if I did then I would have to write the letter to the 1st Presidency to request the cancellation of sealing. I thought about that for a moment and then realized I couldn't see the Prophet thinking that Rich's yelling at the ump at a baseball game was a good reason. Rich promised to be more temperate and I promised to try and not be so sensitive...we all know how that one has turned out! LOL We kissed and enjoyed the warmth of our true relationship - but my emotional and physical state just kept me roiled and we seemed to plow this ground over and over in the course of our stay.

In August we headed to southern California so that we could see Rich's family and so that we could ship our car before we flew up to Travis AFB for departure. I wasn't coping well with the stomach problems I was experiencing and my emotional state seemed to be tied to it. The day that we shipped our car we had gotten up early to drive to Long Beach. I was so miserable - but it was in such a non-descript way that I was having difficulty identifying the problem for myself. As we got the car prepped for shipping, did the paperwork, and dropped it off - we called for a cab to come pick us up (we were at a port in Long Beach). The cab never arrived...but my irritation and impatience again erupted - at poor Rich. He was at fault even when he didn't do anything wrong! LOL Again, that sure hasn't happend since! LOL

When we got to Travis to fly out it was early in the morning on a contracted flight. Wouldn't you know it - the plane was full to capacity and it was really hot - both contributing to my feelings of discomfort and uneasiness. But the thing that frustrated me the most was that my seat was broken and it wouldn't sit upright if you leaned against it! We told the stewardess but she urged me to just sit up because otherwise they would have to delay the flight to get another plane in and who knew when that would be. A five hour flight to Hawaii - I wasn't real thrilled about it - but I just complied even though my annoyance was increasing.

We arrived in Hawaii and stayed in billeting for the week that Rich had TDY there before heading to Australia. By this time I was really, really miserable. It was hot, humid, and the trade winds weren't blowing - all definitely Rich's fault!!!! LOL We rented a car to use while we were there and drove downtown for dinner at a recommended restaurant. I was starved. But when they brought the food I couldn't stomach the smell and I ended up in cold sweats and throwing up.... I was also exhausted. Every day Rich would waken me before he would head into the office and tell me that he would be back about 11 am and then he would be free for the day and we could go do some sightseeing - could I manage to be ready to do that? Every day he would come back at 11 am and I would be dead asleep. He would gently waken me and tell me that he would go back to the office for an hour or so and could I be ready to go then? I would drag myself out of the bed, try to shower and put on make-up, but I just wasn't coping.

Finally, about the third day there Rich was concerned enough - and probably annoyed enough - that he told me that he was taking me to the medical clinic to get to the bottom of what was wrong. I insisted that I didn't need to go but he was even more insistent that I did - no one was this sick for no reason. I told him that I just didn't feel well - I wasn't all that sick - I didn't even have a temp! To which he responded with, "either you go to the doctor and find out what is wrong or I am going on to Australia and you can find your own way back to the mainland because I am not going to take you with me like this!" He drove me there and I checked in at the desk, begrudgingly. When I got in to see the doctor he asked me lots of questions and listened carefully to my answers. He asked me if I could be pregnant and I told him, "NO!" He asked, "Why not?" And I told him that we had been married for nearly 17 months and it hadn't happened up til now so that couldn't be the answer. He looked at me like I had two heads - and logically - that might have been easier to explain than my bullheadedness - and then told me that if he had to bet his medical license he would bet that I was pregnant. I insisted that it couldn't be - so he performed a pelvic exam and told me the same thing. However, I wasn't convinced and so he ordered a pregnancy test. The lab was at Tripler Army Medical Center - across the island so Rich and I headed there...I wouldn't tell Rich about my visit with the doctor - just that I needed a test. After the test was taken we had to go back to the Air Force Medical Center to get the results...when we walked back in the medic at the desk congratulated Rich but he was completely in the dark about why he was being congratulated. And so the medic informed Rich that he was going to be a father and sent me back to the doctor who told me that what I was experiencing was some pretty rocky morning sickness that, in my case, was lasting 24/7 and gave me some medication to try and help with the symptoms.

The diagnosis seemed to be just what we both needed. It explained my sudden and extreme change in behavior, mood, and the physical problems as well. It also helped me realize that everything wasn't Rich's fault (although in a way it was LOL) and Rich's patience seemed to double, triple, and quadruple as he tried valiantly to deal with me, his possessed wife. That evening we took a romantic drive around the island - but I couldn't stay awake! LOL But I do remember with real fondness that Neil Sedaka's tune, Havin' My Baby played several times and each time it played it was as if there was a special connection between Rich and I - it was almost electric - I would be having His baby.

Over the course of the rest of the week we went to the Polynesian Cultural Center - but I got sick there. Then one day we went to the temple - but we were the last session of the day and they were closing the temple for vacation so they had turned off the air conditioning - Rich and I were the witness couple (our session was made of male missionaries and I was the only female in the session) and when I put the veil on and stood in the heat in the prayer circle I passed out. We went to a bowling alley for fun one evening - but I couldn't handle it. It seemed that pregnancy was going to last years instead of nine months!

One last memory about Hawaii - Rich had been eyeing some coconut palms outside billeting and finally he decided to get a few of the coconuts - he had heard that green coconut milk was good and he reasoned that I might enjoy some - so he collected 4-5 and brought them up to our room...but how to open them... He tried every way he could but just couldn't find a way to break through the thick husk...so finally he went down to the car and took out the tire iron and tried beating them into giving up their precious milk - to no avail! LOL It was a very kind thought though, Honey.

After the eventful week in Hawaii we boarded a cargo plane and took off for Australia using the ear wax the flight crew handed us to drown out the engines. The trip was done in 5 hour increments - 5 hours to Samoa, then 5 hours to Christchurch, New Zealand (we stayed the night there), 5 hours to Sydney, and 5 hours to our final destination of Woomera.

Woomera was an international military installation with people from England, South Africa, Australia, New Zealand, France, Germany, America, Canada, and I don't even know where else. At one time there had been about 7-8000 people living there but when we were stationed there the numbers had dropped to about 2500. It was a small oasis in the middle of the outback - 500 miles from Adelaide and 150 miles from the nearest town, Port Augusta, to the south, and 500 miles from Ayer's Rock and the Aborigine communities to the north. It was a closed community but we could fly into it on a little commercial puddle-jumper that made a daily flight into Adelaide or drive the 150 miles of dirt road from Port Augusta...although a train did come close and provide fresh fruit and veggies, milk, meat, and supplies for the community once a week. The U.S. military also brought in a cargo plane once a week that brought mail and household goods, as well as transported personnel and families to and from the states. And since we had not known I was expecting when we sent our household goods we had to purchase most everything that we needed from Montgomery Wards, Sears, or J.C. Penney catalogs and have it shipped in. There were only a few phones in the community - and regular citizens didn't have them - but we could go out to a military unit once a week or so and call back to the states. Usually we just walked or rode bikes to one another's homes and to the town center that had a small butcher shop, small veggie shop, a small drygoods store and the grocery store (about the size of the average 7-11). The town also had a canteen, affectionately known as "the chew and spew" where you could purchase a "hamburger with the lot," french fries, and an ice cream. It also had a movie theater which showed movies on Friday and Saturday. There was a Catholic Church and a Protestant Church - we met for a time in a Women's Hall and then moved to the Catholic Church for the duration of our time there. Temperatures were very much like the southwest of our country - the 120's in the summer and 60-70's in the winter. You got to know people pretty quickly and it was a close-knit group.

The day that we arrived in Woomera we were amazed to find that the entire branch had come to the airport to meet us - we didn't know that we were even expected and had no idea how they could have known when we would arrive. We quickly learned that military personnel records had religious affiliation attached and so it was easy for the branch president to learn when new members were coming - and since there was only one plane in a week - it wasn't too hard to figure out which flight we would be on! LOL Our branch was very small - about 10 families most of the time - Americans, Brits, and Aussies. And when we first got there we weren't even classified as a branch - but were a "unit" that was "dependent" on the Wyalla branch from Wyalla - a town about 50 miles west of Port Augusta. Most of the brethren in the branch worked shifts - except for Rich - and there were a few time when he was the only Priesthood at church - when that happened he would conduct the meetings, bless and pass the sacrament, and do anything else that needed to be done.

Our first Sunday there Rich and I were called to be the children's Sunday School teachers and I was called to be the pianist. The next Sunday we were also called to be branch missionaries. The following Sunday I was called as Relief Society President. The Sunday after that Rich was called to be the Elder's Quorum President. We held these calling up until about two months before we left for the states. Needless to say - we got involved very quickly.

I was very grateful when I learned that the two women I had called as counselors were also pregnant and due near my own due date. Kathy was the branch president's wife and expecting her 4th and Marilyn was expecting her 3rd - they would prove to be very wonderful friends and great supports through our stay there.

For a few months we lived in temporary quarters, an apartment complex, until a house became available. Our "flat" was on the top floor and the ante-natal nurse for the hospital lived with her husband in the "flat" under ours. The morning sickness was really proving to get the best of me. I couldn't go to the grocery store without throwing up in the trash can outside, brush my teeth because the smell of the water would bring everything up, or even smell food cooking. Rich would often walk past the other apartments and smell the wonderful aromas coming from them and wonder what he would have - only to find that it would be the inevitable baked potato - it was all I could stomach. Gradually I did get to the point where I could eat hash browns and eggs, and even tomatoes - but that was months later. One day I was standing out on the balcony when I got a whiff of something that just shifted my gag reflex into high gear - up and over the balcony onto our neighbor's patio! Poor Rich - he went down and scrubbed it up because if I even came near the smell it would just send me into more convulsions...it was easier to take care of it himself. Bless his heart. He has done that more than most anyone I know - as it has continued to be a problem even if it was the kids throwing up - I couldn't get near it without repercussions.

By about 6 months I was beginning to feel much more human. We moved into a two bedroom home on Booromi St. and settled in quite nicely. But at 8 months my doctor, Dr. Robertson, decided that he needed to start thrice weekly deep intermucular injections of iron as I was so anemic. At 8 1/2 months he decided that I needed to go to Adelaide to have the baby as it appeared that the baby was going to be larger than normal and I was smaller than normal (pelvically) and he was concerned that the baby would get stuck in the birth canal and he would have no ability to do an emergency c-section. If it was a clear cut need for a c-section there would be no problem in scheduling it and having an anesthesiologist there - but he didn't want to do that because he believed that having the baby vaginally was best for all, if at all possible. Rich and I flew out the next morning and met with the doctor in Adelaide. He was about as personable as a wet fish and I wanted to go home. He had done all the x-rays of my pelvis and the baby's head to determine what was the best course of action - and had come to the same conclusion as Dr. Robertson - it was going to be chancy and he didn't want to induce because it would not give the normal hormones the chance to do their best effort in helping my pelvis, ligaments and tissue accomodate the baby. I really wanted to go home. We were there in Adelaide, a strange city, with no friends or family, no place to stay, no idea how long we would be there, and no idea how we were going to pay for it all or even if our insurance was going to cover the baby. So, that afternoon we boarded a flight back to Woomera and I knew that I wanted to have the baby there. But Dr. Robertson learned that we had come home and so he came to the house to try and explain what we were up against. We listened but I told him that I really wanted to have the baby there and if he didn't want to deliver it I could just go out into the donga and have it on a rock like the aborigines. He smiled and then tried again to impress upon me the urgency of our situation - in fact - the life and death circumstances that we would be in. Rich assured him that we would be back on the next plane in the morning and Dr. Robertson seemed glad that someone in the family had a rational head! However, I was in turmoil. I really didn't want to go back to Adelaide. Suddenly there was a knock at our door and a sweet sister from the branch was standing there - she had had a feeling that she needed to come by. I will always be grateful for her wisdom, courage, and faithfulness in listening to the spirit. She was a woman near my mother's age, with the same kind of gentle spirit. She listened to me, consoled me, and helped me recognize what I always knew but didn't want to do - that I needed to go back to Adelaide and to have the "wet fish" deliver our child so that both of us could be okay.

Rich and I did go back down the next morning. Returning to Woomera hadn't been such a bust either because it allowed Rich to investigate more fully what we would need to do in order to survive this without having to declare bankruptcy! LOL We found a small travel trailer in a trailer park that we could rent on a night to night basis. It had no bathroom in it but the park had communal bathrooms and showers. We would have a stove and tiny frige so we could be frugal about meals, even though we would have to buy groceries daily because of storage and not knowing when the baby would be coming. We had no car with us but the park was near public transportation so we could use the bus. The trailer had no sheets, blankets or towels so we did purchase some inexpensive ones to get by. Then we settled down to wait things out.

Two and a half weeks later I woke up at two in the morning and announced to Rich that I thought I was in labor and that I needed to go to the bathroom. He walked me down to them, we came back up, I went back to sleep - but Rich just couldn't settle down after that announcement LOL! By seven in the morning he was very keyed - but I told him that I needed to go shower and get ready to go to the hospital. He wanted to just go. But I wouldn't. So down to the showers we went...then got dressed...put on make-up...did my hair...and Rich was beginning to explode! I finally told him to call the cab - he was sooooo relieved. I felt like we were in an I Love Lucy episode! LOL

When we got to the hospital I was only 4 cm dilated. The doctor said that it could be hours and recommended that they put in an epidural in case they needed to do the c-section anyway and then he would break my water and see where things went. He told Rich that he probably ought to go get some lunch at a nearby restaurant because he might not have a chance later on. So they did the epidural, Rich went to lunch, and the dr. broke my water and left to care for other patients, and I was to get dressed in hospital clothes. Moments after the dr. left the nurse noted that the dr. hadn't written down how far dilated I was and so she would just check for reference...and when she did she uttered an expletive and said that I was at 10 cm - the baby was coming. Still in my street clothes, Wanda Marie Bainbridge was born at 2:10 in the afternoon on the 24th of March 1975. She weighed 8 lb. 2 oz., was 21" long and was perfect in every way. Rich was pretty jazzed when he called our parents and told them that they "would have a new granddaughter born tomorrow" - Australia is across the international dateline. LOL

One of my most cherished memories is of Rich peering into her isolet and saying with all wonder and awe, "I'm somebody's ancestor now!" He had long told me that he wouldn't change diapers - but he tickled my heart when he couldn't seem to wait to change hers. She truly made our love complete.

In Australia, at the time, it was common for new moms and babies to stay in the hospital at least a week and even then, many times they were transferred to a convalescent facility after that. However, our stay was being complicated by a pending nationwide transportation strike. Wanda had been born on Monday and the strike was scheduled to begin on Friday...we needed to get back to Woomera before the strike! We were able to prevail upon the doctors to let us go on Thursday IF we went back into the hospital at Woomera. This we agreed to and it became even more important as she was developing jaudice and needed light therapy. How happy we were when we were finally able to bring our little bundle home for good and begin our life as a little family.

Wanda was named after my grandmother, Wanda Bingham Roskelley, and Rich's mom, Marie Bainbridge. She was quite a peaceful baby, falling easily into a schedule of predictable naps and evening routines. She did spit up quite a bit, earning her knickname, "The Spitty-Up Kid." We adored her and loved being her mom and dad. When she was just beginning to walk around furniture and things she had her first real accident. She had crawled over to the stroller and pulled herself up and was trying to walk as it moved - but it moved more quickly than she could manage and she fell and it sliced her forehead. We rushed her to the hospital knowing that it would need stitches. I remember just feeling sick about it - I would have gladly changed places with her. I felt like I had failed her. She got five stitches there - right in the middle of her forehead - and the dr. assured us that it probably wouldn't even leave a scar. You really have to look closely to see it today!

We returned home to the states in August of 1976 when Wanda was just 17 months old. My folks had driven out to California so that they could meet her and then we drove down to So. California to introduce her to Rich's mom. My grandmother adored her - and she would often gloat a little the first few weeks we were home because Wanda wouldn't go to any woman - she would go to any guy - just not a woman - but she would go to my grandmother - because she had a secret weapon - a raspberry patch! Wanda loved raspberries! In fact - she still does! My mom just bided her time though, knowing that eventually Wanda would have no choice but to come to her because I would be going into the hospital to have Joey soon and Wanda would be staying with her. True to form, Wanda did not go to her at all until that time.

We purchased a little home in Layton, Utah and lived there for three years. During that time I wanted a piano badly. We had looked and looked but every one was more than we could afford. However, we determined that if we had two paper routes we could save our money and get one in about a year. Rich would throw the morning route before work so that I didn't have to get the babies up - and then he or I -and sometimes both of us would throw the evening route with the babies in the back seat in their car seats. Sometimes the box that we needed to put the paper in was on the passenger side of the car and if Rich or I were alone with the kids we could give a paper to Wanda and ask her to put it in the box - and she would do it. One day Rich had them out with him and he stopped at a little country store and bought them a popsicle. Wanda really liked that. The next time he asked her to put a paper in the box she refused. When Rich implored her to put it in the box she retorted with, "I NEED a popsicle!" She would not help out in any way, shape, or form until he promised to buy her a popsicle. LOL

When we had lived in Australia Wanda had been very healthy - not even really having a cold. However, when we came home it seemed that her immunity just wasn't up to tackling the germs here. She seemed to get everything! As September came to a close (Joey was just two weeks old) Wanda came down with a bug that just wouldn't give up - she was running a temp, vomiting and had diarhea. I took her to the doctor one morning but he said that there wasn't much to do but to watch her and if she got worse to bring her back. Early that afternoon she was screaming for anything to drink - it didn't matter what - she was thirsty - but if she drank, everything and more would come back up. I called Rich and asked him to come home - and he did. Since Joey was so new and a nursing baby too, Rich decided to take her back to the hospital. I knew in my heart that there was something wrong and I really wanted them to help her but I was worried that they would do just what they had done that morning - send them home. I remember praying that she would be sick enough that they could find out what was wrong but not sick enough to have it be serious. Hours went by with no word - finally about 6:30 that evening Rich called to tell me that they had admitted her because of dehydration. I was very grateful and relieved. Rich was the one that stayed with her most of the time for those three days because they wouldn't allow Joey into the ward and he was nursing.

We often made the trip to Salt Lake that first year to be with family. My brother, Brad, had a horse that they had knicknamed Turkey. Brad would often take Wanda with him to feed, water, groom, and ride the horse. As Thanksgiving approached we started to talk about Thanksgiving dinner and eating turkey - Wanda became convinced that we were going to eat the horse - so finally we decided that we would tell her that we would be eating horse instead of turkey - she was fine with that - just so long as Turkey was safe. LOL

On Thanksgiving Day Rich and I were getting ready to head to my folks for dinner. I had put Joey down on the living room floor to be safe but unbeknownst to us Wanda had found a tube of very red lipstick and had plastered herself and Joey with it. Needless to say - it looked like we were going to be taking the Indians, in war paint, to Thanksgiving Dinner! Joey's hair absorbed the dye and for months it was ghastly red.

In December I walked into our bathroom and found Wanda standing in the sink taking everything out of the medicine chest. That afternoon I took all of the stuff out of the chest and found a new home for it - someplace where our little gal wouldn't be able to get. The next day I heard her in the bathroom and I smiled to myself, knowing that she was going for the medicine chest again but that she wouldn't be able to find anything. However, before the smile even had a chance to fade I heard a crash and the crying of someone really hurt. She had fallen out of the sink. I ran and picked her up, tried to console her, but nothing helped. After a time I called Rich and told him that I thought that she had broken her arm, he said he would be right home but he didn't think she could break an arm at that age. We went to the emergency room where the medic told us the same thing that Rich had just told me. However, the doctor sent us to x-ray. She had indeed broken both the radius and ulna and was in a cast for Christmas.

In February of 1977 I decided that I would bake my father some of his favorite cookies for his birthday - Chocolate Peanut Butter Chip Cookies. I decided to quadruple the recipe so that there would be plenty for both families. I had almost mixed up all of the batter when I needed to attend to Joey for a moment. When I came back I finished the batter and was preparing to bake them when I smelled Vicks Vap-o-rub. I looked for the Vicks but couldn't find any. I baked a batch and the smell was even stonger - but there was no Vick anywhere. The kids had had colds and so I decided that perhaps what I was smelling was the residue from putting it on them. I continued to bake. When I took the cookies to Dad he was so pleased - until he bit into one - imagine his surprise when it tasted like Vicks! Evidently Wanda had scooped out the contents of the big jar of Vicks and added it to my dough while I was caring for Joey. Dad really got a gift!

When Philip was born we owned a Ford Maverick. It had bucket seats in the front and a bench seat in the back. It was very close quarters for three kids in car seats! We put Philip in the middle, between Wanda and Joey. Often Wanda would do her best to soothe Phil, give him a pacifier and rub his cheek. One of Rich's and my favorite memories of her was one night when we had been down to Salt Lake and were driving home late. Phil would only take a certain kind of pacifier - and somehow he lost it in the car. He had been fine for a while but gradually he began to fuss, escalating into a full howl. Wanda tenderly reached over to him, trying to find the pacifier (but she couldn't find it), gently carressed his cheeked and in a soft, cooing manner she said, "It's okay Phil, Wanda is here." It is fitting that one of Phil's first words was "Ah ma" or Wanda.

When Wanda was three she had a kitchen play set with play food and everything that she needed to play house. We had a rule about keeping food in the kitchen and it seemed that I was battling to keep that rule in place. One day I smelled something awful and when I investigated I found moldy food in the refrigerator of her play kitchen. As I scolded her I asked, "Don't we have a rule about food staying in the kitchen?" To which she responded, "But Mom, this is my kitchen!" I thought that Rich was going to die laughing!

When Wanda was turning four we moved to Salt Lake. While there she had three little friends all her age that lived nearby, Heidi, Amy, and Katrina. Heidi, Amy, and Wanda all took a dance class on the east side of Salt Lake and the moms would take turns driving them to their weekly lessons. One day Heidi and Amy got into an argument about who's birthday was the most important. Heidi believed that the birthday that was most important was the one having the birthday. Amy believed that her birthday was the most important because it was April 6th - the same as Jesus'. Wanda, ever the peacemaker, told them that they were both right - and the arguing stopped. On another trip in October, Wanda observed that the east side of Salt Lake had "a lot of FALL" and wondered when we would have FALL in our neighborhood. Heidi told her that it was fall everywhere but Amy interjected that another word for fall was autumn and we had autumn in our neighborhood. Wanda wasn't interested in either point of view - there were lots of trees in the neighborhoods of east Salt Lake and there were lots of leaves on the gound - there was lots of FALL - and we lived in a new subdivision - when were we going to have lots of FALL?

As Wanda approached her 8th birthday we were trying our best to prepare her of the covenant of baptism. For weeks we had Family Home Evening lessons on it and talked about it at dinner, etc. When she went to have her interview with the bishop he gave her the choice of whether to have us in the room with her or not - she chose not. On our ride home we asked her when she was going to be baptized and she told us that she didn't know - that she hadn't paid her money yet. We were confused and we couldn't get her to elaborate. Rich called the bishop and he explained that she had told him that she hadn't paid any tithing yet! All of us got a laugh out of that one - we were beginning to wonder if you had to pay for baptism!

When we moved to Germany Wanda had a teacher in school that seemed a little arbitrary. I had already had my frustrations with her when she gave Wanda a full grade less on her report card because she thought Wanda was too shy and needed to speak up and assert herself more. I had been frustrated by that line of thought since the teacher had assured me that her work had not deteriorated - just that she thought the grade change would motivate her. Well - the course work in the social studies course had turned to the theory of the land bridge and the origin of the American Indian. As time came for the test over the material Wanda became more and more adamant that she didn't want to take the test. I quizzed her over the material and I couldn't understand her reluctance because it was evident that she knew it. As I expressed that she looked and me and said, "Mom, my teacher is teaching this as fact, not as a theory." I told her that it didn't really matter - all the test was going to determine was whether she knew the theory or not and all she had to do was put down the answer that they were looking for. In exasperation Wanda informed me that she knew the theory and the theory was wrong. She knew the Book of Mormon was true and where the Lamanites had come from. "And I will not sacrifice my personal integrity!" she said. I have never been more proud of her than I was that day!

When I was expecting Cherstin I was experiencing morning sickness much like I had with Wanda. Most of the time it was all I could do to roll over in bed - getting up and caring for the kids was quite an effort. Rich and the kids tried their very best to make things as easy on me as they could but we knew from previous experience that probably we would just have to endure. The three oldest worked really well to help get themselves out to the school bus every morning. I would lay in bed, trying to help as I could, but mostly just laying. Wanda took it upon herself to pack lunches one day. I was grateful. When they came home that evening though, Joey was fuming. He was beyond hungry, he said. He was starving! I wanted to know what had happened. He exploded with, "That stupid WOMAN! I don't ever want her to pack my lunch again!" As I tried to calm him down I learned that Wanda had thought that she would be extra kind and pack him a very special treat - ice cream! To make matters worse she had reasoned that the ice cream would need to stay cold so she decided that she would pack it in ice - so far so good! However, she put a small bowl, with the ice cream in it, inside a larger bowl and packed ice around the smaller one. But she had used aluminum foil as a lid, molded it the best she could, and then secured it by putting a rubber band around it. Needless to say - the ice cream melted, the ice melted, and the foil wasn't a good lid. Everything in Joey's lunch was ruined and he was starving! LOL He couldn't appreciate how much effort and care Wanda had put into his lunch and he never wanted her to pack him another one!

During this same period of time Wanda learned how to iron...however, one day while Rich and I were gone, she decided to do some herself. Somehow the iron fell on top of her hand and seriously burned it. We tried our best to care for it but it did get infected, needing antibiotics. To this day there is an iron shaped scar on her hand - with the vent holes and everything! When Robert and Wanda were dating he thought that Rich or I had intentionally done this to her!!! No, Robert - it was totally self inflicted!

While in Germany Wanda took piano lessons. She did very well and prepared for her piano recital. She memorized the piece that she was going to play, Nadia's Theme, and could play it beautifully time after time. At the recital she also played it through beautifully - until the last chord. Somehow, perhaps nerves or momentary lack of focus, her hands had shifted and the chord was wrong. She tried several times and combinations - each wrong. It was heartbreaking to watch her struggle to find it. She never did. She was devastated. Perhaps this is why I am so proud of her for choosing to play in her recital this year - I don't know if I would have the courage to do it WITHOUT having that experience! But I have no doubt that she will be victorious!

As we prepared to leave Germany Rich and I wanted to take the kids to East Germany to experience, in a small way, a communist country. We had given them each $10 to spend any way they wanted - we knew that they wouldn't find anything to buy - and they didn't. We took them to a restaurant - a fine dining establishment - the food was awful! Every place they looked were grim reminders that this was communism, that the people weren't free to come and go as they pleased, everything was gray. As we were leaving East Berlin, preparing to go through Check Point Charlie, into West Berlin we had a terrible car accident. Desi was knocked unconcious, Wanda and Philip were hurt, I suffered broken ribs. Wanda and Philip were transported by the only ambulance allowed into the East to the American Medical Facility in the West. Desi, Cherstin, and I had been transported by East German ambulance to an East German hospital. And Rich and Joey were left at the scene temporarily to sort out the accident. Hours later the American ambulance that had transported Wanda and Phil arrived at the East German Hospital with an American surgeon, an American State Department official, and a Soviet Officer to bring Cherstin, Desi, and Me to the west - to the American Hospital where the rest of our family was waiting. Wanda and Philip had been admitted with concussions and Desi joined them. It was interesting to me that in talking to the charge nurse the next morning we learned that Wanda had tried her best to care for Phil and Desi during the night, as sick as she was. She had tried to comfort them, reassure them, even clean up after them. The nurse was very impressed - the degree of nurturing that Wanda exhibited under these conditions was very unusual she told us. But then, she didn't know Wanda.

When we arrived back in the states (South Carolina) the kids were awed by the stores, the food, and TV. They enjoyed going to church and made lots of friends. We also had a couple of experiences that will forever shape us individually and as a family. One was Hurricane Hugo - the other was having our home burn to the ground.

The devastation from Hugo was immense. The community and the nation struggled to provide relief and assistance for all who had suffered from its' wrath. Day after day we did the best that we knew how to help others and care for our own needs. The Church provided plenty of opportunities for coordinated service for Rich, myself, Wanda, Joey, and Phil in the long term - and the community needs were also wonderful opportunities as well. Wanda and Joey went and made sandwiches and food for the Red Cross who were providing meals for the rescuers. Babysitting, tree and debris removal, and clean up were all part of the daily routine for many, many weeks. Perhaps my fondest memories of that time were our evenings...we would prepare a meal on the camp stove and then sit around and play games as a family and with friends by lantern. It wasn't so much a hardship as it was an adventure - and the bonding and caring for one another was real. I loved sitting around and watching my daughters and sons blossom into the women and men they would become...it was happening, right there, while we watched.

Hurricane Hugo happened on the 23rd of September and as life began to slowly return to normal for the community, our life was being taxed even more. In November Rich received word that he was being medically retired. He was still taking classes and we didn't feel it was in our best interest to move at that point so he looked for work. He found a job making furniture - but the saw dust and the stress of the night shift along with everything else just shifted his asthma into overdrive. He had a couple of terrible incidents and landed in the hospital. Christmas came, along with damaging ice storms. Finally, as the new year began we knew that he would have to find different employment, he was not doing well. In February he put in his resignation and we put our lives into the Lord's hands. On his last day we pulled into the driveway and the kids came and told us that someone wanted to talk to Rich - it was a job offer that he had interviewed for weeks before - could he start tomorrow? Truly we were blessed. After being at the job for only a week, and in class that evening, we learned that our home had burned to the ground. Friends and especially our ward came to our rescue providing food, lodging, clothes, toys, toiletries, and money until we could get back on our feet. Days went by as we sifted through the ashes for anything that might be salvaged, looked for a new home, attended school classes and did homework, worked with the insurance company, and then purchased much needed furnishings and household goods. Perhaps what wasn't spoken or given due recognition at the time was the fact that Wanda provided countless hours of childcare, cleaning, meals, and errands for us as we tried to put our lives back together - all without complaint. It wasn't possible for me to do it all - and I didn't have to - she was always there providing the support I so desparately needed. At times I think her little sisters thought of her as their mother, more than me. And at times I really asked her to do things that were well beyond her years. I will always be grateful for her goodness and kindness.

One day she came to me and asked if she could take the kids and drive the van (12 passenger) to the local convenience store (about a mile away) for slurpees or treats. I was a little apprehensive but okayed it. When they had been gone about an hour I started to worry. Time continued to pass with no word. Finally I received a phone call from Joey telling me that they were okay and not to worry - but they had a problem - Wanda had backed out of her parking place right into a drainage ditch - the back wheels were in the ditch and the front wheels weren't on the ground! They really did need help! I called Rich - ever resourceful Rich - and he went to their rescue. There was no real damage to the van but Rich said that when he saw it he thought that perhaps the van might be ready to launch for the moon! We have laughed about this over and over through the years. On returning to the scene of the accident years later we still marvel about how that happened! I am sure that Wanda wishes that this would be forgotten - along with many of the other stories that get retold over and over! LOL

We left Sumter and moved to Charleston for a year and then made the move to El Centro, California. This move was much harder for Wanda than for the other children. She was a junior in high school and there were few kids her age in church. She enjoyed the friendship of one gal - Debbie - but she was a senior and wouldn't be there the next year. Wanda didn't want to be there either. She wanted to go to Salt Lake to her grandparents and do her senior year there. I wasn't really thrilled about the idea, and neither was Rich. However, we knew that this had been hard and that there weren't a lot of good prospects for her for the next year and so we asked my mom and dad and they welcomed her with open arms.

My parents have often told me how much they enjoyed her while she was with them. My father will still often chuckle as he tells about driving to the school to pick her up and finding her walking, with her nose in a book, oblivious to the fact that he was driving slowly beside her! My mom would often have her go and do the grocery shopping that my father didn't want to do and my mother found so difficult to accomplish. The summer that mom passed away she shared how much she loved Wanda (and all the kids, for that matter) and how much she felt that she exemplified true charity - with never a complaint or attitude of being put upon - always with patience, willingness, and understanding.

Wanda finished high school at Granite and then chose to go to Weber State University. I had tried to get her to consider the "Y" but she wouldn't hear of it...and soon we were to find out why. She dated tons, went to class, just had lots of fun...but it wasn't long before we knew that something was going on. She had come home for Easter and was telling us all about the value of a "Franklin Planner" on the way home from the airport. Rich and I were immediately suspicious. She had a planner that a guy had given her and she was using it - we had been trying to get her to use one for a year or two and she wouldn't - something was going on....and his name was Robert Husted.

When she came home for the summer they would spend hours every day corresponding by email. It was obvious that this was a serious relationship in the making. By November they were married in the Jordan River Temple for time and all eternity.

The years have flown by. They have lived in New Mexico; Irving, California; Placentia, California; Sunnyvale, California; Westminster, Colorado; and Blue Mounds, Wisconsin. Joseph, Rebekah, and Rachel were born in California. Mary, Ben, and Sam were born in Colorado. Ruth, Moroni, and Adam were born in Wisconsin. I think they might be a little nervous to move to another place at the moment! LOL In fact, Robert announced over the pulpit at church one time that they weren't filling the van - it's a 15 passenger! LOL

Through the years their home has been a gathering place for family and friends. Sometimes their home has been a safe haven for years and other times just for a couple of hours - but always it is welcoming, warm, and inviting. Through the years I have relied on Wanda for help with weddings, babies, cleaning, lesson ideas, errands, wisdom, and peace. I have always found a listening ear, a friend, someone who might show me another way to look at something, a fellow student of the gospel eager to share new insights, someone who is always teaching me to be more compassionate and charitable, gentler and kinder, willing to give the benefit of the doubt. Truly, I have been the been the one who's life has been blessed because she came into our home. Happy Birthday, Wanda!

Mordecai's Birthday

2010-05-17T11:00:00.000-07:00

One of the things I love about this medium is the ability to quickly put down thoughts, impressions, and memories...however, I got way off course when I went to Colorado, Utah, Wisconsin, and Oklahoma in March and April. I haven't been very consistent since and I don't want to stop doing something that I have started - writing about the Sweet Ones that fill my life - commemorating their birthdays. So, over the next couple of days I will try to get Mordecai, Wanda, and Cherstin done - especially because Desi, Abby, and Levi are all celebrating birthdays in the next few days! (If I don't get on this now it will quickly become like my quilts! oops! LOL)

Mordecai and Desi for Easter 2010

Mordecai John Rogers was born March 13, 2008. He is now two and quite the charmer. However, my thoughts aren't really of the day that he was born so much as the months inutero - except for the relief that came knowing that he was finally here, safe, unharmed, and that the months of agony for Desi were finally ending.

Our Precious Newborn

Mordecai's Blessing Day

I remember being at Wanda and Robert's home for the birth of Moroni in September when we received news that Desi and Mike had finally sold their home and they were going to purchase Wanda and Robert's home in Westminster. That was wonderful news but terrible timing! I was still in Wisconsin and was to be heading to Oklahoma for the birth of Emmett when I left Wisconsin - but the condition of the sale of Desi and Mike's home was that they needed to close in two weeks. Since Rich, Felicia and I were living in Wanda and Robert's home it would necessitate us finding some place quickly to move to and doing it in 2 weeks - I wouldn't be there to do any of that. Desi and Mike were excited and assured us that they could handle everything - our move and theirs - LOL - especially because I wouldn't be there, Rich was ill, and Felicia was in school.

Well, they did find us a place, started packing us, and getting us moved, but one evening I got a phone call from Desi that had me a little concerned. She was pregnant with Mordecai but experiencing quite a bit of pain. She thought that perhaps she was just tired from all the stress but she just didn't feel good. A couple of days went by and she still was uncomfortable, but the next phone call was very upsetting. She said that she was doubled up in pain and couldn't walk - but she was feeling the pressure to get everything done and didn't want to say anything to Mike or Rich, especially because there was so much to do. I told her to tell Mike immediately and for him to take her to the hospital, and then I waited.

The next few days brought some answers and lots of concerns. A serious kidney infection and kidney stones were the cause of the difficulty. After a stay in the hospital with IV antibiotics and other treatment she was allowed to go home. Gratefully Mike's brother and sister-in-law, Keith and Kim, came from Utah to help Mike complete the moves...I will always be grateful to them for helping Mike and Desi and Rich and I.

I drove home from Wisconsin but was there only about 8 hours when I received word that Cherstin was in labor with Emmett and so I headed out as quickly as I could (didn't make it but I was there that evening) all the while Rich was chastising me for coming home instead of heading straight to Oklahoma. He kept assuring me that everything would be okay - but I just felt completely discombobulated.

While I was in Oklahoma I received word that Desi was having more difficulty. Concerns about Desi's long term health and the health of the baby were weighing heavily and so the family had a fast for her. More hospitals, medicine, pain, difficulty, and uncertainty ensued.

I finally drove home the weekend before Thanksgiving - arriving to a house full of boxes - knowing that I needed to unpack as much as I could because we were having our entire family come to Denver for Thanksgiving and we were going to have Joey and Carlie and their family stay with us, as well as Phil, Hannah and Orion. Desi and Mike were hosting Thanksgiving at their place and having Wanda and Robert and their family stay with them, and Cherstin and Dan were coming in too - but would be staying with Dan's folks. The plan was to bless Moroni and Emmett that weekend and to have family photos as well. It was a very tall order for the circumstances and made all the worse when Wanda and Robert's children started coming down with a 24hr stomach virus well after they were already on the road, and that virus would run through the entire family that weekend.

However, that was just part of the drama that would be a part of the weekend - Desi continued to experience extreme pain, nausea, and vomiting necessitating multiple trips to the hospital. In fact, Desi and Mike didn't even get to have Thanksgiving dinner because of a trip to the hospital. We did, however, manage to have photos taken between trips to the bathroom and the hospital, and we even blessed our precious new babies, Emmett and Moroni.

December continued just as September, October, and November had - trips to the hospital and continued difficulty. One of my precious memories occurred one day when Desi again was suffering. This time I took her to the hospital and Desi had called Mike at work to join us. As we were in triage of the obstetrics unit Desi was struggling mightily against the pain and nausea. Mike had rushed over from work and it was past lunch. A little nurse, maybe 5'2", was trying to put in an IV into Desi's arm so that they could give her some morphine for the pain. Mike was standing between Desi's bed and the wall - maybe a foot or two wide. As the nurse tried to "fish" for the vein Mike suddenly turned ashen, his eyes rolled back into his head, and he slumped into a heap on top of the nurse and Desi - he had passed out cold. I yelled for help and nurses came running. Smelling salts brought Mike back quickly but he still looked pretty woozy. Medical personnel brought him something to eat and checked him out, much to his chagrin and to our relief. The only real damage was to the nurse's glasses and Mike's ego. However, Desi continued to have extreme pain regardless of how much medication they pumped into her arm. After a considerable length of time I looked at Desi's hand - it was all bloated. After showing the nurse it was discovered that because of all the commotion they had forgotten to take off the tourniquet! No wonder Desi had remained in pain - none of the medication was reaching her system - but as soon as the tourniquet came off she found relief!

Doctors eventually placed a nephrostomy tube into Desi's side so that her kidneys could work - that provided a great deal of relief. However, even that was frought with difficulty. She also had a pic line so that they could continue the antibiotics. All this was done to provide Mordecai a chance at life. They had reached the radiological limits for a fetus and they needed to give him some time in utero before they would attempt to get the stones because the procedure could potentially start labor. It was a wait and see game calculated to get him here safely.

Eventually they did take out the stones and Desi felt good for the first time in months. However, new ones quickly grew and took their place, creating all the familiar problems. The relief we felt (especially Desi) when Mordecai was finally born was tremendous. Gratefully there seems to be no lasting problems for him and we are thankful for that. Desi, on the other hand, continued to have kidney stones for some time - but all seems well at the moment.

In August of 2008 Cherstin, Felicia, Desi, and I had taken the little ones to a park in Westminster. As they played, we talked and enjoyed our ourselves, watching and helping children as needed. As usual, the subject of names came up - and we all laughed as Desi recounted the story of the selection of the name Mordecai over the other possiblity of Teancum. Interestingly, a Jewish family had come to the park and you can imagine the fun we had when the gentleman said something to the effect of, "Mordecai! A good Jewish name!"

I think we had all worried about the potential harm Mordecai might have had due to the pregnancy problems, but we also were a little anxious that he might have similar problems as Emily, with the hemangiomas - however, so far so good. He has had difficulty with bowels and vomiting that have worried us some - but that seems to be remediating at this point.Brother and Sister

Mordecai has had a very peaceful disposition. In fact, for a very long time he just seemed content to watch everything going on without getting too involved. But, he has become less passive and now takes matters into his own capable hands (especially Emily or Desi's hair LOL) just like any other well adjusted two year old will do! He loves watching DVD's in the car, anything that has to do with trains, and teasing his sister. He loves milk, snacks, and his Mommy. He doesn't like playing in snow and cold or sharing his train. He is very verbal and enjoys sparring with anyone who'll play along. If I had to guess I think he'll probably love to play ball as he gets older - soccor, baseball, basketball, football - part of it because of exposure from Daddy - but lots of it seems to be his own natural desire. He also loves cars and trucks...watch out Daddy! Sixteen might seem like a lifetime from now - but in the blink of an eye he'll be asking to borrow the Daewoo!

Mordecai at the Children's Museum in Nashville

Making Gingerbread Houses for Christmas 2009

Don't you just love that coy smile?

Mordecai sporting his Cougar Shirt from Aunt Felicia

Mordecai - we are so glad that you came to our family. You are dearly loved. Happy birthday!

Habits

2010-05-12T05:24:00.000-07:00

I have been trying my very best (or giving my very best effort) to lose weight, get fit, and become the healthiest person I can. The down side of this is that I am having to learn how to incorporate the time and effort into my daily schedule...I have yet to succeed at that!

I have been going to a gym in Clinton that is associated with a physical therapy group and who work extensively with people who have joint problems - that's me!!! It's only 16 miles away but between the travel time, the gym part, and the water aerobics class I am spending quite a bit of time each day.

It has been a month now and I have lost some pounds and inches. I have gained some flexability and balance. But, just like the "law of the harvest," this is going to take some time. Probably years. However, I don't feel discouraged at the moment, rather encouraged.

I keep thinking of the scripture in Alma 37:41 "Nevertheless, because those miracles were worked by small means it did show unto them marvelous works. They were slothful, and forgot to exercise their faith and diligence and then those marvelous works ceased, and they did not progress in their journey."

A number of years ago I lost quite a bit of weight and I was exercising daily. But I was never successful about getting down to my goal weight - because "life" happened. I got slothful, and didn't really believe that I could get there and I let other activities (and they were good things too - just not the things that would help me get to my best weight and health) supercede the committment to myself and my health. I didn't just "stop in my journey" - I reversed course completely! LOL

Today the health threats loom and my ability to "do" is severly hampered because of my weight. This isn't the way I want to live the rest of my life - and while I may never fully overcome the years of neglect nor the genetic predisposition for some ailments, I certainly can minimize them by doing what I should have been doing all of my life. The question remains though - how to put these habits into my life - so that the people and things that I love to do are not neglected. So far I haven't found a way to accomplish that - although I am just now trying to do that because I have felt that I wanted to get one thing going at a time - rather than my "all or nothing" mentality.

So - "Karen, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things preceedeth that which is great." Habits, hopes, faith, ideas, true principles, work - these are some of the small things that will ultimately help me succeed at this and anything else I undertake. Ironically we can change the past as we change the present - and the future is certain when we do. So let the journey continue!

Our Heritage

2010-04-07T20:15:00.000-07:00

The last few days were spent in Wisconsin where Wanda and Robert, Phil and Hannah, Joey and Carlie, Desi, and Rich and I gathered with 18 of our 21 grandchildren for Easter and Conference. The only thing that would have made it better would have been to be able to have Mike, Cherstin and Dan with their little brood and Felicia there too. I guess I will have to wait until September for that - but so far as I know - we will at last have the famous reunion then!

One evening while we were at Wanda's home I ducked my head into her bedroom because things were awfully quiet and I had seen a couple of our little ones head in there. I wish I had had a camera - words just can't adequately describe what I saw. Anyway - what I found was Moroni, Orion, Levi, Mordecai, Ruth, and Emily all sitting or laying on the bed engrossed in a tv program of some sorts. What flashed before my mind's eye though was a sure knowledge that these little ones had been brothers and sisters in our pre earth life and were all friends there as well, and had just been waiting for the chance to come and be together here.... And knowing these wonderful six - heaven is a lot quieter now! LOL And just as suredly I know that each and every one of our wonderful 21 are also part of this tremendous plan and purpose. In that very instant I realized that I (with my finite knowledge and understanding) couldn't have even envisioned that moment some years ago - but the Lord knew - and I feel so privileged to have had these tender moments with Him and my loved ones. How blessed and fortunate we are to have each other - and I felt (just for a moment) kind of like I think Father Jacob must have felt as he gave his children their patriarchal blessings - I thought how fortunate the world is that these wonderful sons and daughters had come because I could sense their greatness and the tremendous contributions that they will make in the lives of those who are seeking to know the Lord and feel His peace. They are being raised in very treacherous times, but they are strong, valiant spirits who are the answer to a famished world. The onus is on us as parents and grandparents to teach them and love them and help them rise to their greatness and to never flinch. That is a tall order - but we're up to it:)

The Last Two Weeks

2010-03-31T10:25:00.000-07:00

Things have been pretty busy during the last couple of weeks and I probably won't be able to share all of the happenings but...some of the important events were a trip to Colorado, then a continuing trip to Utah, returning to Colorado and now we are awaiting word about a car so that we can head out to Wisconsin.

Mike (my brother) had asked for a family meeting so that we might discuss the issues that we are facing as a family. Dad has been experiencing quite a bit of dementia lately and it is becoming apparent that the time is coming when he will no longer be able to stay alone. His doctor is also requesting health agent and advance directive paperwork.

You always hear about families that have such a difficult time when it comes to making these kinds of decisions. In truth, I had been a little anxious about this meeting...anyone who knows us will know that we are all "chiefs" and not one of us is an "Indian!" LOL However, we started our meeting with a prayer and I believe that set the tone and gave us great compassion and concern for our Dad and united us in our efforts to make decisions that will bless his life and brought us together in recognizing the stresses and concerns for the various families that are so involved in Dad's care.

While I was there I had the opportunity to talk with Dad and remember.... I also had the opportunity to go with Dad to the doctor for his appointments for his prostate biopsy and for his catarract consult. The catarract surgery won't be for a few months and they will do the worst eye first. At first Dad was quite resistent. I believe that he thought that they were going to do the surgery that day and I could see that he was frazzled. He had had the biopsy the day before and it was taxing on him. I was reminded as I watched him stress that he really has a gentle spirit and was always mindful of us...and in our effort to improve his quality of life I think we sometimes don't realize how frail he really is...I don't want to paint him as an invalid...he isn't! But since none of us are 81 I don't think we realize how much the aging process takes out of us until we're the one doing it.

The results of the biopsy came back and Mike and Dad went into the doctor Monday to learn about what Dad is facing. The good news is that while the tumors are stage 7 & 8 (aggressive) the cancer itself is a slow growing kind and will probably not be his cause of death. It appears that there has been no metastises but they well be doing a bone scan to verify that. The result of the scan will determine the course of treatment.

While I have been with Desi and Mike I have had the opportunity to enjoy Emily and Mordecai in "real life." The other day I had gone to do something and when I returned Emily said (in a very relieved tone), "There you are! I was bewildered about where you were!" I had to chuckle. The last few days everything has been "ridiculous!" Yesterday I went to get a pedicure at my favorite place in the lower 48. I took Emily with me. As we drove out of North Park she gave me directions about where to go and where to turn. As we pulled in to the parking spot and I was getting her out she told me (in a very serious manner), "After we get done here I will be able to speak Chinese." I responded with, "You will?" and she said, "Yes. I don't know why but I will." I had to chuckle once more. Obviously she recognizes that the technicians are of Asian descent, and even that they speak another language (they are actually Vietnamese)...but who would have guessed her response.

Mordecai continues to have difficulty with his bowels and the poor little guy really struggles. Desi is going to consult with her pediatrician and we sure hope that it is nothing of any consequence. He is a funny little guy. He LOVES trains and tracks, balls and cars. He is all boy. His speech is pretty articulate too. Today Desi took Mike to work and I watched them while she was gone. Mordecai was doing just fine until he realized that Desi was gone. He started to sob and cried for his momma. I tried to help him but that just made matters worse. He finally decided that he would share his concerns with Emily. "Emmowee, I scawoold!" (Emily, I scared!) he cried over and over. Emily told him that it was okay and that Grandma was here and that she was too. Moments later Desi walked in and all the tears were gone.

On our return from Utah Desi and Mike's car was acting up...not terribly...but Mike is understandable concerned about us traveling alone to Wisconsin without knowing that the car is okay. They took it to their mechanic...but we have yet to hear about its status. I was so hoping to be on the road to Wisconsin by at least today...I sure hope it is tomorrow at the latest!

Mooing Mom

2010-03-11T18:13:00.000-08:00

Today I cleaned house....and so what? you might ask. Well it has been a very, very long time since I have been able to stand on my legs to be able to accomplish that and while I am paying for it tonight, it does feel really good to have floors mopped and bathrooms cleaned, dusting and vacuuming accomplished, and general order. I am hoping that my legs will have continued improvement too! You never know how much you take for granted until you don't have it or it doesn't work properly!

This evening I made rouladen for supper - but it still had about an hour to cook when Rich came home and so it is still cooking. However, we went out to Ryan's for a quick bite. I sure wish Rich would find someplace else that he likes! LOL

As I made the rouladen my mind wandered back to my Mom. When we moved to Germany when I was a kid none of us spoke ANY German and Mom just treated it like one big adventure. We lived on the "economy" just like the missionaries and we didn't have access to any American products like our military friends. We had also gone there with only 44 # per person - about what you could put in a suitcase. But Mom created a wonderful home for us and worked really hard to learn what German food products were so that she could prepare meals that we would enjoy.

One day Mom and Dad went to the local farmers' market for produce and other items for our family. Lining the market were some "metzgereis" (butcher shops) and Mom decided to venture out of her comfort zone and get some meat - she specifically wanted beef and she was a little leery that she might get horse meat of something else. However, because she didn't know the word for beef (or really anything else at that time) she had to resort to pointing at what she thought was beef. However, as the butcher started to put her selection on the scale she really began to think that she needed to be sure that this was indeed beef. She tried asking him but he didn't speak a lick of English - nor did he understand her. Both the butcher and Mom tried to find someone who knew any English but there was no one...so as the transaction continued finally Mom resorted to the only thing that she could think of to verify that this was indeed beef - so she started mooing. The butcher was startled at first, and I think he was probably a little confused, and you can imagine how others in the market reacted too. Mom said that at one point she wondered if German cows actually mooed the same as they did in America - or maybe the Germans didn't express it the same way that we did...nevertheless...she continued to moo until the butcher got the point that she was trying so hard to make - and yes it was beef! LOL

Mom made wonderful rouladen and I don't even know where she learned how - I don't remember it until we moved to Germany - it could be that she had some in a restaurant and she just tried to duplicate it...but wherever she came up with it, she did it beautifully. And, it sounded so good tonight...but I guess we'll have it for lunch tomorrow. I wish I could just call her up and talk to her...sometimes I believe she had the wisdom of Solomon and I could sure use that right now...besides the sheer joy of just talking to her. Oh well, I still talk to her...I just don't hear her response.

2010-03-10T06:26:00.000-08:00

I received a new calling recently as R.S. instructor for the "gospel principles" lessons. While teaching doesn't throw me much these lessons look to be somewhat of a challenge. Looking over the lesson that I am to teach in April, The Holy Ghost, is only 3 pages long and very basic information.... It would seem that everyone would have this knowledge - but perhaps things are not always as they seem. But I wonder how to teach this so that basic information is imparted and so that those who have the information in their knowledge base will also be edified. So my studying has taken me on a quest to learn what I might not know - and to ponder my relationship with the Holy Ghost as well.

In my ponderings I have thought a lot about my own testimony. And, I have thought about how the testimony of others have added to mine.

When I was very little, 3 or 4, I remember going to Primary and having my teacher talk to us in our class. She gave us construction paper with drawings of a placesetting on them that helped us learn how to set the table, where the glass went, knives, forks, spoons, etc. and play dishes to practice. I have no recollection about how that relates to a gospel principle - but I vividly remember that the Spirit testified to me (it still gives me goosebumps as I recall it all these years later) that the gospel was true, that the things my parents were teaching me were true, and that the church was true. That experience has had a profound impact on my life. And, when people dismiss the importance of teaching children I always think of how important that was to me and remember that it was the children and babes in arms when Christ came to the Americas that uttered such marvelous things that could not be written...children can be so very close to the spirit and feel its' power because their faith is so pure.

A few years later - as a 9-11 year old - I HATED Fast and Testimony Meeting. It seemed like the very same people got up every time and said the very same things, over and over again. I am sure my eyes rolled every time they got up. However, I came upon a way to get out of these "BORING" meetings quite by accident and I made use of it as often as I could for quite some time. My Dad was the bishop of our ward and so he didn't sit with us. And my Mom would have us (the kids) with her on one of the benches - usually in the middle of the chapel. Sometimes, when one of my little brothers were squirming, fussing, and being difficult Mom would nod to me and I would take them out into the foyer for a drink or to walk around a bit (these were the days when Sacrament Meeting was 1 1/2 hours long and in the afternoon or evening). One day I was really struggling with the testimonies and I was holding Jimmy (and he was being good too) and I thought how nice it would be if I could escape...and so I pinched him...just enough to make him fuss...and sure enough, Mom nodded to me to take him out! I was so happy. However, now as I have matured somewhat, I remember some of those testimonies and wish that I had appreciated them more.

Just a few years later - in my teens (15-16) - I had an experience that really helped me understand that my testimony really did inform everything that I did and was. It was during the height of the hippie movement and in that culture (which is like the pop culture of today) it was common for the kids of that time to think that they were so enlightened and they often engaged in asking "deep, philosophical questions" such as, "who am I really?" and "What is the meaning of life?" It was a time when drug use was rampant, New Age thinking was being promoted, and free love, peace, and make love not war were the typical slogans. I remember sitting on my bed one day, looking out the window and thinking about what was happening and the influence of these kids. I remember looking into a mirror and asking, "who am I?" and as I sat there it was as if a voice inside me just burst into my consciousness and said I KNEW that I was a child of God and I KNEW that I didn't need to waste my time or energy because I KNEW that the gospel was true, the Church was true, and that the plan of salvation was true. I KNEW I wanted to return to my Heavenly Father and I KNEW how to do it - and this wasn't the way. I dropped any fascination and preoccupation I had with these influences because I KNEW the truth. The Spirit had once again confirmed the truth to me in a very tangible way.

Years later, when we lived in Germany, I was teaching Gospel Essentials in Sunday School for the investigators and new members, I had the opportunity to teach about the Atonement. I had learned about the Atonement all my life and I thought that I knew it pretty well...but as I prepared to teach it (especially to non members and new members) I realized that I needed to do this very well - with plain language and in a very straight forward manner. I felt the responsibility keenly of teaching about this sacred event and I wanted the class to understand it well and I was also very concerned that there be no misunderstanding. I studied and studied and studied. I don't know how well I taught the class - but I had been taught by the Spirit as I studied and I was changed because of it.

As I continued my studying today In Moses and Genesis I was reading in Moses 6. Seven times (at least) there is reference to "teach" the gospel and the ways of God to our children. In fact, in one verse is says, "teach these things freely to your children" which I interpret to mean to do so at every opportunity - not just in formal settings - but in the day in and day out experiences of life. I believe that it was because I was taught early, carefully, lovingly, and frequently by my parents, teachers, and others that allowed the Spirit to whisper to me in unmistakeable terms that these things were true. In fact, if we do not teach can the Spirit confirm that truth? Probably yes, but likely - I doubt it happens much. Without testimonies that are built on bedrock we can too easily be swayed and influenced by the doctines of men and the lies of Satan. And if we do not teach these things to our children they are in grave danger and may well fall prey to the forces that seek to destroy and cause them endless misery. And, if we do not teach these things to our friends and neighbors and associates there is little hope for their happiness and joy - for truly it is the gospel of peace.

Healthy Living

2010-03-09T19:50:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking a lot about health lately - DUH! A few weeks ago Rich and I decided that we were going to get real about fighting our obesity, knowing that it contributes to all of the health issues that we are concerned about...we are continuing that fight and will be in it for a very, very, very long time! LOL

But I also decided that I needed to bite the bullet and visit my pcp and have my own workup done and get referrals for my own screenings. Been there and done that.

So today I had my mammogram - all negative. Then received news about my blood workup - total cholesterol is good - LDL was a little high at 162 but HDL was 58 and very good, triglycerides are 50, sugar was 90, vitamin D level was spot on. And these will only continue to improve as I lose weight!

When I get back from my jaunts I will be having my colonoscopy. It is recommended for everyone starting at age 50 - I'm a little slow but I will do it. It is probably the thing I dread most - and yet - having watched Grandma Bainbridge die - it is so worth it if they find anything because it is one of the most curable cancers if caught early. Rich has had three and continues to tell me that it really isn't that bad - I'll believe him later!

Hannah got me started on the 200 sit ups program and I am progressing on that - and I continue to drink Dr. Oz's "belly busting smoothie." My knees are beginning to calm down a little after the injections Friday - still a long way to go - but at least I can take steps without wincing with each one of them!

And I have seen my eye dr. He was concerned that the profound improvement in my vision was from blood sugar disturbances (diabetes) - but since that isn't the case I guess he'll have to revisit that one when I have my follow-up in May. However! I love my new glasses and I really can see better! And I know that I don't have macular degeneration or glaucoma - only cataracts - and they can easily be taken care of as they worsen.

I will probably go in and have my other toe replaced sometime this summer or maybe even fall.

Rich is continuing to improve too. Hallelujah! He has progressed to the point that he is no longer having to use oxygen during the day - just at night and I don't think that will ever change - and that is probably for the best. I think it really does help him rest better and of course rest is crucial for health. Now - if I could just get him to bed at a decent hour! LOL

Both his pulmonologist and cardiologist are continuing to monitor his liver as many of the medications he is on are hammering it...but he is really good about taking his meds and getting his screenings for it. And hopefully, as he loses weight too, some of the meds that are so hard on it can be dropped - but that is a little ways off.

His heart is strong, the stent is doing well, his heart is staying in sinus rhythm, and pulmonary functions are improving! Obviously he has a long way to go - but I am so grateful to still have him here and to see him improve. He is still tapering off of the steroids - but that should be done in 3 weeks if everything goes well. And, he continues to go to his cardio/pulmonary rehab for exercise several times a week.

I think I will be a "nervous Nellie" forever - in fact - I am extraordinarily concerned about him as I prepare to leave - when I went to Oklahoma for Ellie's birth is when he first started having heart problems and was in the hospital, when I went to Marsha's for Grandma was when he was continuing to have heart problems and the night I got back he had the heart attack, and then of course, the day that I went to Ohio for Reah's birth was the infamous case of respiratory failure - but he continues to assure me that he is feeling okay and that I should just go and have a good time. EEK! I will probably bug him 20 times a day just so I feel better!

All in all I would say that we have been very blessed. What a privilege it is to live in this day and age when we are able to have screenings, diagnostics, medications, and life-saving procedures done so easily. We have so much to be grateful for. And now, it is up to us to do our part to maximize our health and strength - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Take From the Rich, Give to the Poor

2010-03-08T06:34:00.000-08:00

Well - it looks like Obama is going to do whatever it takes to ram his healthcare down our throats - never mind that we don't want it, that we are broke, and that it is socialized medicine. He is pulling out the stops and in full campaign mode.

I think he must have really studied Hitler because there are so many similarities to him and things that he is doing. Goebbels (Hitler's propaganda minister) once said something to the effect that if you need to tell a lie - tell such a whopper that everyone believes that it must be true because they believe no one would ever be that stupid to lie about it. It seems that everything he is doing is based on lies, flattery, class envy, and race baiting. There is this constant drum beat of "we're doing it for the poor" but in reality I can't even see how this will help the poor. I have yet to see or know of someone who is poor that can hire another poor person. I have yet to see how legalized thievery ennobles us as a people. I have yet to see how coveting and envying ever causes one to be a better person. And this effort to socialize us will take away our freedoms and liberties - we had better be calling congressmen and senators if we value anything about America. The vote is supposedly on the 18th of this month.

I read a quote today in my study of Cain and Abel that I thought was instructive:

"Are we our brothers' keepers? In other words, are we responsible to look after the well-being of our neighbors as we seek to earn our daily bread? The Savior's golden rule says we are. Satan says we are not. Tempted of Satan, some have followed the example of Cain. They covet property and then sin to obtain it. The sin may be murder, robbery, or theft. It may be fraud or deception. It may even be some clever but legal manipultation of facts or influence to take unfair advantage of another. Always the excuse is 'Am I my brother's keeper?'" (Dallin H. Oaks, Ensign, Nov. '86, 20)

When I think about what is happening in our beloved country I think of Pres. Benson's "Beware of Pride" talk when he said, " Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves. Most of us consider pride to be a sin of those on the top, such as the rich and the learned, looking down at the rest of us. There is, however, a far more common ailment among us - and that is pride from the bottom looking up. It is manifest in so mnay ways, such as faultfinding, gossiping, backbiting, murmuring, living beyond our means, envying, coveting, withholding gratitude and praise that might lift another, and being unforgiving and jealous."

And what gripes me is that Obama and his ilk just keep feeding this kind of tripe to us, urging us to covet, envy, find fault with anyone that doesn't agree, live beyond our means as a nation....

John Adams once said, "Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate to the government of another." And Obama and his ilk just keep urging immoral and unrighteous behavior. And they wrap it up in a bow - "help the poor." Instead, he should be setting the example of urging each of us to be self reliant, get our educations, work hard, dream and seek to become our best selves. To look at the freedoms that we are so blessed with as God given and as opportunites for us to choose for ourselves what we will be. And that we are responsible to care for ourselves - and even capabale! We don't need, want, or expect the government to care for us - in fact - to do so is nothing short of Satan's plan - and we throw our agency and lives away for security if we do.

I think I am going to take Pres. Benson's advice in his talk "Our Divine Constitution" and read and study the Federalist Papers and the Constitution. I am also going to become more involved with the local tea party and also write my representatives and senators. And, I am not going to give up hope.

Pres. Benson also said, "I have faith that the Constitution will be saved as prophesied by Joseph Smith. It will be saved by the righteous citizens of this nation who love and cherish freedom. It will be saved by enlightened members of this Church - among others - men and women who understand and abide the principles of the Constitution."

"I testify that wickedness is rapidly expanding in every segment of our society. It is more highly organized, more cleverly disguised, and more powerfully promoted than ever before. Secret combinations lusting for power, gain, and glory are flourishing. A secret combination that seeks to overthrow the freedom of all lands, nations, and countries is increasing its evil influence and control over America and the entire world....

"I testify that as the forces of evil increase under Lucifer's leadership and as the forces of good increase under the leadership of Jesus Christ, there will be growing battles between the two until the final confrontation. As the issues become clearer and more obvious, all mankind will eventually be required to aling themselves either for the kindom of God or for the kingdom of the devil. As these conflicts rage either secretly or openly, the righteous will be tested. God's wrath will soon shake the nations of the earth and will be poured out on the wicked without measure. But God will provide strength for the righteous and the means of escape; and eventually and finally truth will triumph."

We are in serious trouble as a people and as a nation....and what are we going to do about it?

Knees

2010-03-05T09:43:00.000-08:00

This morning I went into Knoxville to see my orthopedic dr. about getting my shots. I had thought that I would probably only be getting the steroids as the last time I have the synvisc injections it was once a week for three weeks. But since I had already been approved by my insurance for them again and they have a new protocol that allows them to do the three weeks' doses in one I opted for that. The steroids work really well for a couple of days and then it begins to wear off. The synvisc is supposed to last anywhere from 4-6 months. The downside is that the pain relief isn't as quick - it will take nearly 6 weeks before the full effect is felt. And, I don't know if the pain that I am experiencing now is because something is wrong or just because they put that much fluid under the knee cap...but it is oppressive. I guess the next few days will tell. I sure hope this works.

Mike's orthopedist at the University of Utah told him that he believes that they will be able to use stem cells to create new cartilage within the next 4-5 years. That would be so great! In the meantime - I need to get this weight off, strengthen them, and do everything that I can to safeguard them - because I would so much rather have that than full knee replacements - which is what I am looking at. How grateful I am for people who love science and research - they truly do make the lives of others better. Stem cell research has come so far in such a short time and already has a proven record in many other areas...I just hope knees are soon.

To Do Lists

2010-03-04T09:18:00.000-08:00

Today I tried to accomplish everything on my "to do" list that has been growing exponentially. There are still a couple of things left to do - but hey! I got much of it done! LOL

I had been to see my pcp earlier this week and she had told me of a place that has water aerobics here, in the area. I called around Oak Ridge first (it would be closer than Clinton or Knoxville) but the only places that have them is a fitness complex and they want huge membership fees, and the local rec center but they only have two classes a week. However, the place Dr. May recommends is Clinton Physical Therapy Center and they have classes all day long and even in the evening and they are run by physical therapists who know the kinds of things that I need to do to strengthen my knees as well as the other things. There is a joining fee of $60 and a monthly fee of $45 but the monthly fee is only for the month that you are using it and you can go to as many classes a week as you want - so with my crazy life - that seems to be the best bet. I won't be starting until I get back with Cherstin (what would be the point?) but I wanted to know what I needed to do so that I would have no excuses when I got home - so one thing checked off my list!

I also contacted the quilt shop that I am doing my Civil War quilt from - it is a block of the month project and I hadn't yet received my block for February. I decided that I needed to contact them just in case they had missed me - they had and so it was a good thing that I called and it and March's block will be coming shortly. Another thing checked off that list!

Mike (my brother) and I have been in frequent contact with one another about Dad. He believes that it is time that we have a sibling meeting to discuss how we can best help Dad. So got my reservation, worked things out so that Desi and the kids can accompany me, and then called Mike to let him know so that he can schedule the meeting. Check #3!

Since I am headed out of town and my knees are hurting sooooo much I decided to call Knoxville Orthopedic to see if they can get me in before I leave. They can! Tomorrow at 9:30! Check #4!

Called Dawn O'Bryant to see if she can play for the choir while I am gone - she can! Check #5!

Called JoanE to see if she can cut and color my hair while I am in Colorado - she's not in - left a message. Check #6!

Took care of a subscription problem with my American Quilting magazine. Check #7!

Got Mordecai his card and money for his birthday and mailed it. Check #8!

Picked up prescriptions from the pharmacy. Check #9!

Called about the bowling alley for Rich - he's taking his deacons bowling on Saturday. Check #10!

Hemmed Gideon's scout pants. Check #11! Now I just have to finish Reah's quilt and mail them!

Wow! Wouldn't it be great if the rest of my list could be done this fast and easily?!

Knowing Good From Evil

2010-03-03T08:59:00.000-08:00

The last couple of days I have been studying about "the Fall." I came across a quote that I have been mulling over and over,

"The devil in tempting Eve told a truth when he said unto her that when she should eat of the tree of knowledge of good and evil they should become as Gods. He told the truth in telling that, but he accompanied it with a lie as he always does. He never tells the complete truth. He said that they should not die. The Father had said that they should die. The devil had to lie in order to accomplish his purposes; but there was some truth in his statement. Their eyes were opened. They had a knowledge of good and evil just as the Gods have. They became as gods, for that is one of the features, one of the peculiar attributes of those who attain unto this glory - they understand the difference between good and evil!" (Cannon, Gospel Truths 1:16).

On the face of it there is nothing there that I haven't already learned, but as I have considered it more thoroughly I am wondering about the attribute of "knowing good from evil." The antithesis of God is Satan and the antithesis of "knowing good from evil" would be NOT "knowing good from evil." Is it possible that the more that we sin, give in to the carnal man, and do not repent that we become more like Satan - or at least in his captivity? Certainly. And is it possible that the more that we move along that continuum we lose ever so gradually our ability to know good from evil?

Does this explain in some part why people confronted with truth do not recognize it? Is it why people advocate for abortion, thinking that they are the compassionate ones, but unable to recognize the horrific thing that they are urging? Does this explain why people seem to be so blinded by "government health care," "cap and trade," and other things that so clearly point to a loss of agency and freedom - and yet they gladly, willingly promote these ideas? Have they lost their ability to know good from evil?

In Moses 4:6 - "And Satan put it into the heart of the serpent, (for he had drawn away many after him,) and he sought also to beguile Eve, for he knew not the mind of God, wherefore he sought to destroy the world." A simple scripture chain leads us to John 16:1-3; 1 Cor. 2:16; 1 Jn. 3:19-24; 4:7-21.

"It is one thing to know about God and another KNOW Him. We know about Him when we learn that He is a personal being in whose image man is created; when we learn the Son is in the express image of His Fathers' person; when we learn that both the Father and the Son possess certain (specific) attributes and powers. But we KNOW them, in the sense of gaining eternal life, when we enjoy and experience the same things They do. To KNOW God is to think as He thinks, to feel as He feels, to have the power He possesses, to comprehend the truth He understands, and to do what He does. Those who KNOW God become like Him and have His kind of life, which is eternal life." (BRM, DNTC 1:762)

Satan really didn't know the mind of God, still doesn't - but gratefully the Lord knows Satan's mind and is able to compensate, overcome, and use to His advantage any of Satan's mischief. But sadly, too often, unless we are striving to be a true disciple of the Savior, we may not know it either - and that is when we are prone to Satan's temptations.

I came across another quote today which I love:

"Every person who desires and strives to be a Saint is closely watched by fallen spirits that came here when Lucifer fell and by the spirits of wicked persons who have been here and departed from them....Those spirits are never idle; they are watching every person who wishes to do right, and are continually prompting them to do wrong." Brigham Young, J of D 7:239

Does this not behoove us to seek to follow the Savior so that we can have our eyes opened?

Doctors and Mortality

2010-03-02T04:37:00.000-08:00

Today I went to the doctor. I had gone to my eye doctor a few weeks ago because I was experiencing a sudden change in my vision. He had noted that my prescription had radically improved - and that kind of change usually was precipitated by a change in blood sugars or insulin and recommended that I get in to see my pcp - which I did. Dr. May did a lab panel and I will get the results back in a few days.

Mike (my brother) called and shared that he had taken Dad to the doctor this morning. He said that the doctor had given Dad materials to plan the end of his life. These would be advance directive materials as well as materials to help him and us make decisions that will be coming in the future. The doctor also discussed the potential problems that will most likely be occurring in the next few years and the survival rate and conditions. Mike said that the doctor looked right at Dad and said, "Joe, you're not going to be here in 10 years. I am not saying you are going to die today, tomorrow, or even next year. But these are things you need to discuss with your family." Mike said that it was a very difficult time and as he shared the meeting with me I could tell by his voice that it was even harder than he was letting on.

One of the reasons that Mike had taken Dad back to the doctor was because he wanted to have him put back on the Arricept as opposed to the Exelon patch. He felt that Dad had done better on it. The doctor agreed but cautioned Dad and Mike that the decline in cognitive ability was gone - it is not coming back. The doctor told Dad that it was important for him to take the medication because we wanted him "here" as long as possible. As things slip for Dad he becomes more and more miserly - not wanting to pay for medications and other kinds of needs (i.e. hearing aids, CT scans, vacuum bags, etc.) - always saying that he doesn't have the money. He does have the money but I think he is returning to his youth and early adulthood mentally and this is becoming a huge issue.

Mike believes that we (all the kids) ought to hold a family meeting to discuss these things and especially how we might help Dad preserve his independence and dignity for as long as possible. He is talking about next week - but I am not sure that I can get there that quickly - maybe the next week - we'll have to see.

I would like him to come live with me - but I worry that I would be taking him from everything familiar and from those he loves and Mom. I don't know how well he would maintain what he has left (cognitively). I also don't know if he would be happy here, away from everything and everyone. But I sure make the most sense. Everyone else will have to make huge family adjustments and I wouldn't have to do that much. If he were in worse shape it wouldn't matter - but he is in relatively good condition - just slipping fast. What to do? We're going to need the wisdom of Solomon.

Dr. Oz's Belly Blasting Smoothie

2010-03-01T09:40:00.000-08:00

Just got in from shopping and thought I would share an article that was glaring at me in the check out stand - I bought the "Womans World" March 8 edition because it was touting Dr. Oz's belly fat-blasting smoothie.

The article says that on his program he and Dr. Roizen shared 3 quick tricks for flat abs (In my case just flattER abs will be helpful LOL).

Tip 1:
Sip a belly-blasting smoothie. Loaded with B vitamins which rev metabolism.... According the article Dr. Oz drinks his smoothie regularly, and his wife, three daughters, and son do too.
Smoothie recipe
In a blender, whip 1 cup juice (any variety)
1/2 banana or 3/4 cup berries
2 Tbl. whey powder
2 Tbl. ground flaxseed
1 Tbl. psyllium husk
1 Tbl. chia seeds
1 Tbl. wheat germ
600 mg. fish oil (from supplement capsules; break open and add oil only)
3 ice cubes (optional)
I found the whey, flaxseed, psyllium, chia (bought the last the store had - they said that they had been having a run on it thanks to Dr. Oz LOL), and wheat germ from my local health food store - Earth Fare.

Second tip:
Eat a low sugar meal or snack once every 3-4 hours which helps to reduce insulin production by up to 28%. "By never going more than four hours without a meal or snack, hunger hormones never get high enough to make you famished and prone to pigouts."

Third tip:
"'The fastest way to shrink your belly is by walking.' Just 20 minutes of brisk walking a day can burn a significant amount of belly fat in just four weeks. A daily walk not only burns calories, it also reduces levels of belly-plumping hormones - and it is the type of workout we're most likely to stick with.
"Of course, firming your abdominal muscles is also key to getting the juggle out of you middle, which is why Dr. Oz recommends a series of crunches...."

"When readers put the plan on these pages to the test, they whisked off up to eight pounds and five inches of belly fat in just seven days. And as if that weren't motivation enough, consider this: 'Belly fat isn't just a cosmetic issue; it's the driving force behind countless chronic ilnesses,' says Dr. Oz. 'Getting rid of it can add 15 years to your life!'"

I think I am going to put this to the test - what the hey! And do Hannah's 200 situp training!

The Weekend

2010-02-28T06:58:00.000-08:00

On Friday night/Saturday morning (2 am) Rich woke me and told me that his heart was pounding out of his chest and that it was racing. It had wakened him from his sleep and he had used his blood pressure cuff to check it several times and each time it confirmed how he felt. I could see he was worried, and frankly, so was I, and so we headed to the emergency room.

While we were there they put him on a heart monitor, took blood work, gave him an aspirin, called his cardiologist, and continued to monitor him.

About 6 am a hospital internist came down and told us that they were admitting him for observation and for one of the cardiologists to attend to him.

As the day wore on his heart slipped back into normal sinus rhythm just as it has slipped out. What a blessing. The cardiologist told us that once your heart goes into arhythmia (just like it had done in response to the respiratory failure in November) then it is always something that you will have to worry about. However, they have medications to help it maintain its normal rhythm (and he is on them) but the medications that he needs for his lungs are not good friends and so - a little tweaking and he was able to come home from the hospital with admonitions that if this happens again (and it probably will) then we are to do just what we did do and to see his cardiologist in a months' time.

I went to Sacrament Meeting - our choir sang too - it was beautiful. But then I came home and got Rich - he still has a little difficulty getting moving - but it is coming. He had his deacons' quorum to teach and to speak at the Priesthood Preview. Later in the day I went back to the church for choir practice and then we had Bob over for supper. All in all, a very uneventful day!

Government Efficiency

2010-02-26T05:09:00.000-08:00

Today we received a condolence card from Mike's mom and dad, Kathryn and John, for Grandma Bainbridge's death. (Thank you so much for thinking of us during that time and for your love and care for her when you were with her - she really thought of you as a friend, Kathryn!) They had mailed the card in October and we get it today! That is some kind of efficiency.

2010-02-25T04:47:00.000-08:00

Today I received Desi's quilt for the Quilts For Kids charity. I will be taking it and mine and Wanda's to the quilter tomorrow. They are beautiful and I am so thrilled that we have been able to participate. I have let our R.S. know about the program because I think it is a worthy organization and if someone wants to be a part of a charitable activity but has only a little time, physical ability, or money this is a great one to be a part of. I think I will also contact the church and see if they have needs right now too...although there would have to be more contribution on behalf of the individual as they wouldn't provide the fabric...but there are plenty of us with fabric stashes.

In the package of Desi's quilt was a cute little stuffed MRSA bug that Cherstin had sent for Rich. He really laughed at it and then enjoyed reading about it...thanks Cherstie! Now that Rich is recuperating from MRSA we hope that this is the only kind we ever have in this house again!

Rich is up to his eyeballs in work right now. He is frustrated. Much of what he is dealing with is the government trying to anticipate saftey needs for federal buildings because of an angry electorate. Wouldn't it be nice if the government just listened to the people and then we wouldn't be angry! And then we would have to worry so much about people going off the rails! Perhaps this is just a sign of the times.

Watched some of the health care summit and felt that Obama came off as imperial and arrogant. I detest his "I'm the president so suck it up!" attitude and his air of superiority and look-down-your-nose lecture method. He seems to just want to do what he wants - and thinks that if he talks more then we'll see how smart he is and want what he's pushing. Why doesn't he get that it is exactly what he is pushing that we don't want! He reminds me of one of my kids...when they wanted something and I said no...they just kept trying to "help" me see why I should change my mind...it doesn't work...in fact...it usually just made me angry!

What Else Is New? Quilts

2010-02-23T06:46:00.000-08:00

I spent the afternoon trying to get a quilt layed out - have I ever told anyone how badly I want a design wall???? I even have a place for it - just haven't gotten it done yet! Anyway - the only place I have to lay it out is on the floor and it really isn't the best way to see it...some quilts don't need this process but this one DOES!

As I have been working with this one I thought about life in general - there are connecting blocks of our lives and we tend to look at things in a linear or continuum because our lives are lived on this plane - but in reality these blocks can be put together in many different combinations - and with the Lord as the quilter it will be fun to see what our quilt will have become as he moves our blocks around to suit his and our purposes - that is if we will let him. LOL I think that is one of the things that I so admire about people who join the church - I am sure that most have their lives all planned out according the the pleasing pattern that they like - but then they hear the gospel and in many instances they give all that up to become something different - the blocks that were there are still there but they take a chance and dare to become great - to become perfect by adding the blocks that the Lord desires and allowing him to arrange them until it becomes a masterpiece....

Speaking of quilts - yesterday I received permission from David Bowman, author and illustrator of the "Who's Your Hero?" series of childrens books published by Deseret Book, to use his rendition of Moroni for Moroni's quilt. I am way excited about that. Except - now I have to attempt it! LOL I kind of chuckled at the end of the e-mail. It said, "Good luck with it." How appropriate! LOL

We went to dinner with Rich's brother, Bob. We went to Red Robin - thought we'd find something there that we could eat on our diets - both Rich and I had their Cobb Salad - but I think Rich would rather have gone someplace else - even Ryan's - ugh!

After we got home I watched a little of the Olympics...really should have done some work...just didn't.

Joseph James Pehrson

2010-02-22T07:27:00.001-08:00

Eighty-one years ago today my father was born. In many ways I feel like Nephi, "having been born of goodly parents." How blessed I have been to have been born to these very choice people. I haven't told them enough how much I love them and how much they mean to me. I wish I could do that right now to my Mom - and I do - but I just have to hope that she hears and knows that as she watches over our family now.

Dad was the fourth child born to my grandparents (I never met them), Oliver and Maren Pehrson, who were both immigrants from Denmark. They resided in Provo, Utah where cousins and aunts and uncles lived nearby. My grandmother developed breast cancer when my Dad was quite young and passed away by the time he was seven. Those years were really hard for the family and especially for the children. All the years that I have known my Dad he has never liked "cut" flowers - they have represented death to him and especially the loss of his mom. He has always put great stock in the importance of motherhood - and I guess we know why.

My grandfather was left with a young family to raise and care for. I guess he felt he needed to find a way to do that and so he married a widowed woman with children and moved his family to Pleasant Grove, Utah where she was from. Her children were older than my dad and his siblings and I don't think that they felt really welcomed by them. It must have been very hard for everyone.

Dad learned to play the the piano and even the clarinet it school. He was pretty good at it too. He loved sports, particularly basketball and baseball/softball, and had a real passion for pitching horseshoes. He was so good at them that he was invited to play in the pros (didn't even know that there was such a thing back then but there was LOL),

He doesn't talk too much about his youth except to tell the story of some kids telling him that they had some free raisins he could eat (which turned out to be rabbit droppings) - and he won't eat a raisin to this day! LOL He will tell you about going over an overpass where trains would pass underneath through town - quite slowly. He and his cousin would gather cantaloupes, rocks, and other kinds of material and go to the overpass and then try to drop them into the smokestacks of the trains as they would pass under them. I guess they thought it was great sport!

By the time Dad turned 16 his father had passed away from a heart attack. He was 59 years old. When you talk to Dad about his memories he will tell you that he was intensely embarrassed by my Grandfather's language - the swearing. Now, anyone who has learned a language by immersion will tell you that often you learn the coarser aspects of language first and so that doesn't surprise me - but for my father it was difficult trying to fit in and he found it repulsive. As we were growing up he would tell us, "If you have to swear to talk then you don't have the vocabulary to express yourself" or "You can swear when I do" - and he NEVER did. LOL

One of the amazing things to me is that I found some old love letters that my Grandfather had written to my Grandmother - but I had to read them before I realized that they weren't my Father's to my Mother. Dad's penmanship, which is beautiful, is so close to my Grandfather's as to be indistinguishable. And the expressions of his love are just as my Dad would talk to Mother. And, if you ever see pictures of him and Dad - except for the clothes or surroundings - it is hard to tell the difference. Truly the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.

My grandfather was a hard worker, he surveyed land for the city and county governments, and tried every way he could to build a future for his little family in their new country. Grandpa was also pretty "old school" from the "old country" too. Dad remembers that one time he was supposed to get ready for church and he was dawdling around. Grandpa was getting even more frustrated and told him that they were leaving and that he needed to get his shoes on...but by this time Dad couldn't find his shoe. So when the time to leave came Grandpa physically took him to church and presented him (without his shoe)to the bishop and said, "Here, you do something with him! I've tried and I can't." Dad was humiliated.

During those days the casket was brought back to the home of the family and everyone paid their respects there. (I don't know much about the actual funerals.) Anyway, Dad remembers Grandpa and his casket in their little living room. He said it was very somber and he was filled with grief. The night before the funeral he went to the living room and opened the casket and took his comb from his pocket, broke it in half, and then placed one half of it in with his father, closed the casket, and broke down into huge sobs. It may seem odd - but Dad really didn't have anything much to call his own - and this was a way of connecting or saying goodbye.

At this time Dad was the only one left at home, except for Grandma Pehrson's son who was retarded. Dad still felt like an outsider and yet he felt an obligation to care for them too. He worked at the telephone company as a custodian in Provo while going to high school and dreamed of getting away. On one occasion he and his cousin, Hank, decided that they would take off and go to Alaska. They started but the car leaked oil badly and they blew tire after tire and so they abandoned that dream - not enough money to keep it in oil or tires for that long of a trip. LOL

Things had been pretty difficult for a while and I am not certain how active the family was. Some, I guess, but not very. At one point Dad went to Mutual with some friends. They went into the chapel and were tossing a basketball around. Dad didn't really recognize the significance of what he was doing but a guy came into the chapel and saw them and told them that if they were going to do that they needed to leave the church. Dad didn't have anyone to explain that the chapel was different than the church and that the guy wasn't saying he wasn't welcome at church - just to take the ball outside. But Dad took him seriously and didn't step back into church for a long time. Years of feeling lonely, isolated, not wanted, and abandoned would ensue. I think that was one of the most pivotal experiences of his life - and one of the reasons that he was such a good Bishop. He went after the inactive with a vengeance - personally visiting their homes and always taking time and trying to find ways to bring them back. He always knew that there was a story there - they weren't just inactive but they were people who were lost and maybe didn't know how to come back and that most just needed to feel loved and accepted and wanted. He went out of his way to do just that. I remember when he was called as Bishop the first time he made it his mission to visit every home in his ward twice that first year...and he was at the hospital for every person who was admitted, no matter the reason. Last year I still had people come up to me and tell me that he was the best Bishop they had ever had - and I believe they meant it because they knew he loved them and he cared.

After graduation from high school Dad enrolled in the "Y" and continued to work at the telephone company. One night he was at the Provo City Library where he met my mother. The rest is history. In a way, they both rescued one another and made one another whole.

My Mother had grown up in the Bay Area of California and probably seemed quite different from the local girls. She was enrolled at the Y too and so even that would have been somewhat unusual for the time.

Dad proposed to her on the Old Springville Highway and she said yes. Mom went home to California for the summer but Dad couldn't stand it so he drove out to see her - they were married a couple of days later in my Aunt and Uncle's backyard. I guess they invited the ward to come, everyone that is except for the person who made their wedding cake - oops! My Mom also tells the story of being all ready for the ceremony and wanting one last coat of red nail polish on her nails. My Aunt warned her that wasn't probably the best idea but Mom really thought she could manage it - until she dropped the bottle and red polish spilled the length of her dress. Two of my aunts then tried to minimize the damage by taking a seam in the dress while Mom stood in it! Last year Dad and I opened the cedar chest and found her gown with the fingernail polish still there. Dad got a little teary eyed.

They made their home in a little apartment in Provo. This was during the Korean conflict and Dad was receiving draft notices. He could legitimately stay out of the military because of his widowed stepmother but he decided to enlist in the army anyway (he would later say that he wished that he had joined the Air Force instead). While Dad was away for basic training in Kansas Mom went to live with his stepmother.

Their first assignment was to Ft. Devens in Massachusetts. They lived off post in a little apartment over a home. The owners and Mom and Dad became friends and a great support to them. It was here that I was born and it was in the branch here that Dad became active. It was also here that he receive his temple recommend and prepared to take Mom and me to the temple in Salt Lake (that was the closest one to them at the time) en route to California where Dad would deploy for Korea.

Dad spent nearly two years in Korea and Japan due to army snafus. While this time was terribly hard on both of them, Dad will tell you that this was an important time for him to grow and mature in the gospel. He met for Sunday services with a small group of guys on the ship when they were in transit and that was an awfully good situation. He tells the story of getting to his first duty station and not knowing how to find the church. One day he was at the infirmary and he saw a guy that just "looked" LDS. He had a stroke of genius and started to whistle "We Thank Thee O God For a Prophet." The guy looked, listened, and then started to whistle "Come, Come Ye Saints." All was well then. It was also in Korea and Japan that he studied the Book of Mormon and the Doctrine and Covenants and really gained the foundation that would stand him in good stead all the days of his life.

Dad served as a Morris code operator and wow! he could really type - FAST! All of my life I can remember occasionally going into my folks bathroom and finding that my Dad had left a love note on the mirror (using toothpaste, lip stick, or even the condensation) for my Mom in Morris code.

When Dad returned from Korea and was finally discharged from the army he went back to school at Provo and back to the telephone company. We lived in Wymount Terrace and that is where Mike was born. It wasn't an easy transition back to civilian life and the cares of a family and all - there was some time that it was a little rocky - but Dad was serving as the Ward Clerk and got great counsel from his Bishop which Dad took to heart and somehow things started to even out.

After graduation Mom and Dad moved to Salt Lake where Dad had transferred into the sales department of the telephone company. He had been accepted to law school at the University of Utah but decided to sit out one semester to get their feet on the ground. We moved into the eastern duplex on Delno Drive. We hadn't been there but a couple of weeks and Dad was called to serve as the Ward Clerk there and Mom was called to work with the MMen & Gleaners (today's equivalent of Young Single Adults). We only lived there a short time when Derk was born, the home they would live in "forever!" came onto the market and they purchased it - and at the same time Dad was called to be bishop of the MillCreek Second Ward - he was just 28 years old. Somehow, he never got around to going back to law school - and he has wondered off and on about that decision - but I'm not sure he wouldn't have done just what he did anyway.

Over the next eight years Brad would be born, then Jimmy, and Chad. Our lives were deeply rooted to the community and ward and it was home. However, in 1965 Dad was approached by a guy about going to Germany and selling life insurance to members of the military - he could take us all with him. Mom and Dad brought the idea up with us and we said, "yeah, go for it." But as the time neared to do it we couldn't make the break. Dad had thought that this might very well be the way to get out from under the oppressive medical bills that they had incurred from the pregnancies of Jim (a total placenta previa) and Chad (rh-) and they had gone so far as to ask for counsel from Elder Spencer W. Kimball. But somehow we just couldn't do it.

However, the opportunity arose again a year later and this time we did it. Dad and Derk went over first (in July) to get things settled for us in Augsburg and Mike and I were to help Mom with our siblings, getting the house ready to rent, packed, and the move in September.

For the next two years we called Augsburg home and we loved it there. However, our branch was small and there weren't very many LDS kids and so Mom and Dad decided that we ought to move up into the Kaiserslautern region. This was a plus - there were lots of LDS people there (including youth) and there were lots of military and so earning a living would be easier. When we had lived in Augsburg Dad had been called as Branch President. When we arrived in K-Town he was called to the High Council and we thought that was great fun as we would go with him to visit branches all over the region. Mom was called as our YW president and I really thought she was the best I had ever had - and I was so sad when she was released because Dad had been called as Bishop of our ward when we were made a Stake.

In 1973 Mom and Dad returned from Germany and moved back into their home on Delno. It wasn't long until Dad was again called as Bishop and Mom was called as Stake R.S. President. Mom would often say that she thought the reason that they had called her to that was because it kept her out of the bishop's hair. LOL

In 1983 Dad and Mom, Brad and Lexie, and Jimmy and Maria decided to return to Germany for work. Rich and I already had orders to go to the K-town area - who would have thought that we could be so fortunate to have them go too??? Then Mike and Shauna decided that they would do the same. That only left Derk and Julia there in Salt Lake (Dad still feels "guilty" about that) and Chad was preparing to leave on his mission.

Wouldn't you know it - Dad was called as Bishop there too. At the time that he was called Brad was serving in the Bishopric, I was Primary President, Mike was Young Mens' President, Rich was the 70's quorum president, Shauna was the Ward Organist, Lexie and Maria were both serving with me in the Primary. What a crazy time! I think there were those who wondered if you could have a calling if you weren't related to the Pehrsons. Oddly enough, Dad called Verl Waddley (his neice's husband - they were also stationed there) as one of his counselors but Brad and Rich were called onto the High Council, everyone else continued where we were for a time.

In 1988 Rich and I returned home and moved to South Carolina. Mike and Shauna had already come home, Jim and Maria were in process of the same, and the next year Mom and Dad returned and then finally Lexie and Brad. For the next 20 years they would all work to build businesses and lives together.

In the summer of 1993 Dad suffered a heart attack, he was just 64. After a great deal of testing he had a quadruple bypass. Things started to look up. In 1999 he suffered a strangulated intestine due to adhesions that had formed as a result of the ruptured appendix that he had clear back in 1981. Other than that he has had a remarkably healthy life. He has the aches and pains of age as well as some arthritis in his knees, cataracts, and hearing loss - but all in all he is really doing very well.

Some of my most precious memories involve my parents and my life with them. I truly felt loved and wanted. And, I really believe that we had heaven on earth in our home. It wasn't until I was a teen and "knew everything" that there was really any conflict...but mostly that was because Dad would say that "they ought to take all the Hippies out and shoot 'em." LOL We had family home evening before there were manuals and an organized program. We had family prayer for as long as I can remember. And in fact, when I visit there now we gather for prayer at the end of the day. One of my most precious memories was the night that my mother died - Dad was so stoic - and so lost. We had gathered for a meal together and Dad left to go to a Branch Presidency meeting...then as he and I returned home he and I knelt in prayer...and his simple words were, "please help me to understand thy plan." It still moves me to tears - this sweet, gentle man was willing to do what he was asked...he just wanted to understand. Again, he was moved to study the gospel, reading the Book of Mormon many, many times he found truths and solace.

He has been a tower of strength throughout my life. He has had wisdom and patience galore. And most of all he loves us and we love him. Happy Birthday, Dad!