We traveled to Johnson City today.  It is home to the VA Regional Medical Center that handles Rich's medical.  It is also nearly three hours from us and the second time we've been there in one week.  But, I'm not complaining as the pulmonologist there is the one that decided he would try ogygen on him and it seems to be helping.  His color is better and his breathing is less labored...all good things.  However, in the week that he has had the tanks he has gone through nearly all of them and that was to last him a month.  He called back to them on Wednesday and asked about the feasibility of a portable concentrator and explained that he is on the road a lot to various doctors, pulmonary rehab, physical therapy, and church, and that my Dad is in hospice and that when he leaves this mortal existence Rich will not be allowed to fly.  The respiratory therapist did some checking and got authorization to provide him with a unit on condition that he come back up so that they could test him on it.  Needless to say, I think he's really glad about the unit...much less cumbersome than hauling around oxygen tanks.

When we got home Rich's counselor, Julio, came by to help him take the shelves down in the garage to make room for the freezer that is to be delivered tomorrow.  There was a sale last week at Home Depot and so we decided to get one.  We've missed having one.  The last one we bought was in January of 1980 and it is still running - at Cherstin's house.  Unfortunately I doubt this one will last as long...and unfortunately it is frost free but I am grateful nonetheless.  I bought tomatoes to can last week and decided that I'll freeze them instead of can this bunch.  I love fresh tomato soup and have a great recipe for it, so with frozen tomatoes it'll be a snap to make.

I also canned the tomato jam that has been simmering for two days in the crock pot.  It is spicy but not as spicy as the last I made...thank goodness!  Rich isn't fond of it but I think it'll be great - especially with cream cheese and bagels...mmmm!  Julio liked it too and so I sent him home with a little tub of it.  Hopefully he wasn't just being polite!  LOL

Dad called me tonight.  It wasn't a very coherent conversation but at least he called and knew who he was talking to...that's a first in a couple of weeks.  He apologized for not getting up to see me but said that he had no car to come.  I told him I was in Tennessee and he responded, "you're going to Tennessee?"  For the last couple of months he has seemed to think that I have been in Utah rather than in Tennessee and has been baffled about why I haven't come to see him.  I'm wondering if some of the confusion is that I have stayed at Derk and Julia's the last two times I have been in Utah, rather than at his home.  I don't really know...trying to decode what is happening in his mind isn't very conclusive or productive, I'm afraid. 

I struggle with the rightness of my feelings right now.  I have been praying that the Lord would take him.  But then I wonder what kind of daughter am I that would want my father to die.  I can't really wrap my head around death anyway...I guess because I don't really believe in it.  I know that there is the death of the body but that is just the house where Dad's spirit resides and right now he is trapped.  Trapped in a body that is failing and that he no longer has power over.  Trapped in a body with a brain that is no longer allowing him to make consious choices or to understand and make sense of his world and what is happening to and around him.  Trapped in a body that keeps him from Mom, from his parents, from being him. 

As much as I don't want him to go - I want him to go more.  When Mom passed away, and to this day, it was like she has gone on a trip to Europe or someplace without phones.  A place that I cannot go right now but I have absolutely no doubt that she lives, that she is busy, happy, and free from the shackles and pains of her earthly body that was so wracked with pain.  How can I be sad for her?  Why would I not want that for Dad?  And why would I not want them to be together again?  Dad has been absolutely lost without her...he has put up a good front and tried valiantly to continue on...but lost nevertheless.  Mom often said that Dad saved her and she saved Dad from the insecurities, difficulties, and loneliness of their childhoods.  They were two halves that truly became whole when they found one another.

When Wanda was a baby and hit the stage where she could play peek-a-boo I was utterly mesmerized.   We played it over and over and over again, often using a sheet, blanket, or towel to hide behind.   Her squeals of delight, the joy on her face, her whole body trembling with excitement as she found me tickled me every bit as much as it did her.  Those experiences and feelings were renewed with each and every one of our children and came to be symbolic to me of my relationship with my Heavenly Father.  They have also now become symbolic of my relationship with my Mom.  I have no doubt that she can see me but I am just a babe, not completely understanding the veil that separates us but delighted each and every time I get a peek of the eternities and a hint of her beyond it.  I so wish I could talk to her...although truth be told, I do talk to her often...and I imagine what she would say...but I have no doubt at all that she is there...listening...helping...encouraging...supporting...urging me and all of her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren to continue to seek the face of God so that we can all be together forever on the other side of that veil.

One More Day

Today started off with Rich urging me to get out of bed because our training appointment was just an hour away....ahhh....sleeping in....to all those with little ones...the day will come again....Promise!  I had a good workout with Debi and then went to the theater room and biked while Rich had his appointment.  I got in nearly 12 miles on random hills - pretty good!  We sure have gotten spoiled with the theater room - filled with elliptical trainers, tread mills, bikes, recumbents, and rowing machines - I just pedaled away while watching Practical Magic - a pretty fun movie to watch with Halloween coming up.  I had to muse to myself for a minute - the movie has Sandra Bullock in it and I remember how many comments we would get about Desi looking like her...and we would get the comments about Wanda looking like Goldie Hawn...and we got comments about Cherstin looking like Reese Witherspoon...from the same family????

We came home and showered as Rich had an appointment with Dr. May.  Can I just say how much I appreciate her care and doctoring???  She is just awesome!  He had lost four pounds since last week - that was excellent.  And his breathing sounded much improved - yea steroids!  I asked her if his situation now was a new baseline or if it was reasonable to assume that he would be able to climb back to where he had been.  She said. "Reasonable - no.  Hopeful - yes."  The fact is that they don't know and it will take time to see how much he is able to regain.  She doesn't anticipate that he will be back to work anytime soon.  She acknowledged that she understood his frustration about not being able to do - but he should just do what he can and let the other stuff go - at least for now.  And, part of the level of frustration, impatience, and irritation may be attributed to the steroids - steroid rage is well documented.  The feeling that he continues to express about being in a fog mentally may have something to do with oxygen levels - but it may also have to do with blood sugars - so we'll be watching those much more closely.  She was very candid in telling us that his future health is very dependent on not taking any more hits with colds, flu, pneumonia, mrsa, and blood clots.  His lungs no longer have the elasticity they once had, there is heavy scarring, and his immune system just can't overcome all the hits.  She, depending on Dr. Dimeo's assessment in two weeks and if he continues on the path he is on today, will clear him to do some limited traveling - although he must stop every hour and walk for 5-10 minutes.  Absolutely no plane travel...kind of figured that.  He is to stay out of crowded places, no WalMart, no mall, etc.  He is to carry around hand sanitizers, use a mask if he has to be around anyone who is ill - i.e. dr.'s offices, sick family members, etc.  And, last but not least, he has to get off the river in Egypt.  All in all I do feel hopeful.  And, I am grateful to realize that there are things that we can do to limit his chances of taking another "hit" and allow his body to get stronger and get farther away from the "edge".  It is helpful to know a little bit about the kinds of things that they (the drs) are concerned about and recognize that while he may look fine...even feel pretty good on some days...his condition is more fragile than we realize and how quickly that can turn...so that we remain vigilant and cautious rather than being stupid.  That's always helpful! LOL

We came home and I went to a funeral for a friend's sister.  I hadn't met her but I wasn't really going for her - but for her sister.  It was in a Baptist Church...I can't get over how much having a fullness of the gospel really does change things.  These were lovely people, caring people...but as the Pastor spoke I just flashbacked to Grandma Bainbridge's funeral and realized that there really is comfort in having some of the answers that we do.

After I got home we went back to the gym.  I fully anticipated going swimming after riding the bike again...but only managed 20 minutes and 6 miles on the bike and then decided to head home.  I could have done more...I know it...just wanted to come home.  Home is good.

A Very Quick Weekend

The Gang's All Here!

Reah loved the animals

Joey, Carlie and the kids came to visit for the weekend and it went by way too fast for my tastes!  We really had a great time visiting with them and are so grateful that they are this close.

They got here Friday evening about 9:30 so we all put of swimming suits and headed to the gym pool for an hour of swimming.  My hopes were that the kids would have some fun and get some of their wiggles out after the long car trip.  Gideon, Glory, Levi, and Reah had a great time but Scarlett was so tired that she was pretty miserable.  Afterwards we came home, had some hot chocolate and crashed.

The next morning Rich wanted to just get up and got get donuts are Krispy Kreme but since it was on our way out of town I suggested that we all go together...but it was more like herding cats to get us all ready to go in any kind of speed.  By the time we left it was time for lunch so we just hit Mr. Gatti's for the pizza buffet in Knoxville instead.

A few weeks earlier I had gone to the Smokey's with some friends and the traffic hadn't been bad at all.  A week previous to that the traffic had been absolutely horrendous - taking nearly an hour to go 1 mile.  I reasoned that since my trip had been later, most of the tourist season was past and so going to the mountains (foothills by western standards - LOL) would be lovely, fun, and easy.  NOT!!!  Traffic was so bad that the police actually closed the road in the park to Gatlinburg.  There was also no cell phone service in the park so when we found ourselves separated from Joey and Carlie we just hoped for the best.  Ironically, as we were entering the Kade's Cove Loop (an 11 mile loop of one way traffic to see scenic sites, old churches and cemeteries, bears, etc.) a traffic sign indicated that it was a 3 hour trip to go the 11 miles but we thought that Joey and Carlie were ahead of us so we entered the loop.  We were so surprised when just a few hundred feet into the loop we found Joey - he was driving the wrong way to get out of the loop!  I have no idea how he was able to turn his van around as the road is just one lane - but he managed it somehow!  That's Joey for you!  Carlie was so embarrassed...cars were bumper to bumper and people would ask him if he realized he was going the wrong way and he would tell them, "Yeah, but I'm not wasting three hours for this!"  Rich and I were already committed and we couldn't find a place to duplicate Joey's move but we found a cutoff that allowed us to only go two miles back to the Ranger Station and Souvenier Store.  When we got there we found that Carlie, Joey, Gideon, Levi, and Reah were walking down the road.  They returned to the store and we made potty stops and I told Carlie that when the other drivers had seen what Joey was doing they would see the door magnets on the car showing he was a Ron Paul supporter and would just consider the source!  LOL

From the store back to Gatlinburg was 26 miles but we ended up taking the Pigeon Forge cut-off and heading back that direction as we had tickets for the Hatfields and the McCoys Dinner Theater.  We needed to kill some time so we ended up at McDonalds for an ice cream and then hit a strip mall. 

About 7 pm we headed over to the theater to pick up our tickets and waited outside where they had rocking chairs and a sort of petting zoo type of deal, and then in the gift shop for pictures and to be seated.

Levi did NOT want his picture taken!

Once we got seated the wait staff started bringing our food - creamy vegetable soup, fried chicken, pulled pork, beans, cole slaw, corn bread biscuits, mashed "taters", and chocolate pudding for dessert.  Our drinks were served in Mason Jars and the kids thought that was pretty fun.

The show was fun, light-hearted and while the kids didn't get ALL the "Jeff Foxworthy"-style jokes, they did get much of what was going on.  They had never heard of the feud of the Hatfield's and the McCoys and so we had shared with them some of the backstory before we even got to the theater so that they would have some kind of reference point.  There was fun music with banjos, guitars, bass fiddle, jug, fiddles, and great singers.  They also had fun dancers that were tappers and they could really make music with their feet - they were awesome.  And of course, the Tennessee twang fit right in to the dramatic effects of the production. LOL  Couldn't tell on bit if it was real or just for effect!

By the time we got home it was nearly midnight and it had been a very long day.  The kids were out like lights!  I still had a R.S. lesson to finish preparing and Rich had some things to do for Young Men so we didn't get to sleep until about 2 am.  Love having an 11:30 meeting time - although Rich's start at 10!

We went to church, came home and had lunch and then drove to Knoxville to visit Grandma B's grave, and returned home to fix dinner.  Bob came over and ate with us too.  Bedtime was past due but Gideon, Joey, Rich and I played a round of Phase 10 just because. 

This morning everyone helped Joey and Carlie collect their things and then we headed over to Firehouse Subs for lunch before they took off.  They returned here to get Storm and the kids got some last handfuls of candy from the "candy box" - they seemed to like it just like our other grandchildren that have been here! LOL We had hugs and kisses and waved as they drove out of the drive way...bittersweet!  They called about 8 pm this evening to tell us they had arrived home safely....  Time with family...is there anything better????  If there is I can't imagine it!!!!

Time...time...time...

Since I last posted life has been kind of a blur.  In early August Rich had a quick, three day business trip out to San Francisco.  He had been having problems with pneumonia for about six weeks previously but had been on steroids and antibiotics so he left and had a good time with other contractors from the left coast.  However, when he returned it was evident that he just wasn't getting any better.  I asked him if he wanted to get in to see Dr. Dimeo (his pulmonologist) and he told me to make the appointment.  The earliest I could get him in was the following day...but I'm so glad that we did.

Dr. Dimeo met him at the lung functions booth and ordered blood work and x-rays.  When they got back to the room he asked Rich if he wanted to go to the hospital and Rich said, "no."  But Dr. Dimeo responded by telling him that he thought it would be best if he went right over.  While Dr. Dimeo made the hospital arrangements I took Rich over to the hospital where they ran more tests...and more tests...and put him on IV antibiotics, steroids, and breathing treatments.  That evening we learned that they had found blood clots in his lungs and legs.  Four days later he was able to come home with new courses of antibiotics, steroids, and blood thinners. 

Since then it has been non-stop doctor visits to the pulmonologist, primary care physician, cardiologist, coumadin clinics, the VA and tests and tests and tests.  Gratefully we have learned that the emboli didn't cause any other heart damage and his heart is doing well.  But it has been a very slow and long road to recovery.  We have been told that this is to be expected, especially with the degree of lung disfuction.  He has been on short-term disability since this happened but today we learned that the insurance company that has the company's policy is recommending that he move to the long term disability list and apply for social security disability.  I'm reluctant to go this route (there are no guarantees) because I know that Rich still has lots to contribute but perhaps this is something that we need to consider if we are to safeguard his health.  The VA put him back on oxygen yesterday and I am anxious to see how he does with that.  Two years ago, after the respiratory failure, Dr. May put him on it and told him that it would help him get better because he would not be using all his energy to breathe and his lungs would have a chance to rest and heal a little.  It took about 5-6 months but sure enough, he was able to get off it.  Perhaps it will be the same this time.  The coumadin is getting more and more stable so he is only having to go to the clinic once this week!  Yea!!!

We have talked about retiring and going on a mission but haven't wanted to do that just yet...but perhaps he'll be doing most of his service as a genealogy extractor.  He doesn't have to move too much to do that!  LOL

Well, Wanda, Mary, Ruth, Moroni, and Hyrum came down to visit for a couple of weeks a couple of days after Rich got home.  It was so much fun to have them and while they were here we were able to help Wanda make a king-size quilt, went to Dixie Stampede, and just had so much fun being with them.

The following week Rich's sister and brother-in-law, Marsha and Blair, came to visit and that too was fun.  We didn't do too much.  They came up to give their van to Bob so that he would have some dependable transportation.  It was this week, too, that Bob signed his paperwork for his new home.  He was truly excited and we are happy for him.  Unfortunately Rich couldn't help him at all per dr's orders and I was worthless because I was undergoing the synvisc injections to my knees.  It took him nearly a month but he is finally settled.  However, just a few weeks later he lost his job and has been looking for one ever since.  He has a good lead tomorrow and we certainly hope it works out.

Marsha and Blair came back for a visit when Jeanie and LeRoy came out a couple weeks later.  It was the first time that everyone had been together since Mom B.'s funeral.  We didn't do an awful lot except eat and talk and laugh.  It is such a wonderful thing to have family.

The next week I had a friend come visit from Illinois.  I had "met" her through the Biggest Loser Club and it was so much fun to get to meet her in real life.  We spent a day in the Smokies, saw The Miracle and went to the dinner theater The Hatfields and the McCoys. 

The following week Marsha and Blair returned for the anniversary of Mom B.'s death.  We planted a few more flowers at the grave and just enjoyed their company. 

Late last week Joey returned home from Iraq.  I am profoundly grateful for his safe return and so grateful that his little family has been well for this long deployment.  Now they begin the long journey of reuniting as a family.  I pray that it will be much easier than it so often is after a long separation.  They are coming to visit this weekend and I can hardly wait to see them.

On the 12th of this month I celebrated the 7th anniversary of my Mother's death.  Celebrate?  I guess that is what it really is.  I kind of think of it as a graduation from mortality but I have to say that I have missed her and thought about her more than ever.  I so wish I could talk to her, although I will admit freely that I do talk with her often throughout the day or from time to time as circumstances dictate.  Lately I have been praying that the Lord will have found us (Me, Mike, Derk, Brad, Jim, and Chad) worthy and having learned what we need to so that He will take Dad to be with Her.  His decline has been remarkable.  Most of the time he has no idea who he is talking to when I call, or can't follow the conversation, or doesn't even know where he is when I call.  I can only assume that we have things to learn and prove because I see no other reason or purpose for his time here.  I know that his love for mom is eternal.  He has been lost since she has been gone and has tried valiantly to go on but he has been lost nevertheless.

Well - I have pics to share but Cherstin should be at swim lessons right now so I will have her consult with me tomorrow so that I can post them.  I am so grateful for this medium...I certainly type faster than I write...now if I would just type more often! LOL