An Early Christmas Gift

Today I had an early appointment with Dr. Thompson, my oncologist.  I had ct scans with contrast last Thursday and Dr. Thompson gave me my results this morning.  The scans were terrific!  Most of my liver mets actually shrunk a little bit...mostly millimeters, but they shrunk!  (Except for one which stayed the same) And the largest messenteric mass actually shrunk nearly 3 full centimeters!  Dr. Keedy had told us that that one would be the least likely to shrink as the mass is so large and the interior shows some necrosis so it is growing on the perimeters - and the fact that it shrunk at all is just thrilling news. The other large messenteric mass only shrunk by 1/2 a centimeter...but it shrunk!  I'm just elated and feeling so hopeful.

Before I left for the appointment I was feeling a little nauseous and should have eaten something.  However, with such an early appointment, and because I think I was trying to protect myself a little, I thought I'd be back home within an hour or so.  The plan that was in place was that if there was stability and/or shrinkage then we would continue on this protocol.  However, if there was growth, I would see Dr. Keedy on Thursday and we would map out a new plan.  I think eating something would have helped because with the good news from the scans, I started my third round of gem/tax after seeing Dr. Thompson.  Even with the anti nausea meds that they load before the chemo, I have still struggled with nausea all day.  Compazine hasn't helped and neither has eating.  I am grateful I have some phenergan tonight.  I think it'll break the cycle with some sleep.

With some reflection, I realize that my response this morning should have been like the little girl that took her umbrella to the meeting that closed the fast for rain in St. George, Utah when President Snow had promise the windows of heaven opening if the people paid their tithes.  Instead, I know that while my faith is growing, it still is weaker than I'd like.  I love the story from the Savior's life when the father intervenes on the behalf of his son and says, "help thou my unbelief".  Prior to that he had said he believed.  I believe...but it is obvious that my unbelief is also present.  Perhaps it is fear.  I have increasing understanding of Peter as he walked on water.  It is easy to believe, until fear and doubt creep in.  I have no doubt that I'm in the Lord's hands and that whatever He chooses or directs is right.    But perhaps one of my greatest worries is that what I desire is not the Lord's plan and that I need to put my desires in alignment with His.

However, tonight I rejoice in this wonderful Christmas miracle.  I know that there have been many prayers and fasts in my behalf and I am so grateful.  I have felt the sustaining power of the spirit and know that I'm extraordinarily blessed.  How grateful I am to live in this country, at this time, and when knowledge and science and researchers are  being enlightened and learning to understand what drives so many diseases...and mine is one of them.