Monday I went to see Dr. May, our primary care physician. I have really been having a terrible time with my legs. Somewhere in all of this I had realized that it just wasn't just my knees but especially my calves and hamstring areas. I had done some research online to see what might be the problem, to no avail. But Rich has been telling me that pain is a symptom and to go see Dr. May. So I did.

As always, she was kind, compassionate, and to the point. She ran some tests and determined that it isn't PAD. Good. It isn't DVT. Good. However it may be that the nerves in those regions are being affected by my knees and so she has me scheduled to do some nerve conduction tests and perhaps that will help give an accurate picture of what is happening.

I was down 16 pounds since I last saw her 8 weeks ago, but that isn't anywhere what it could of or should have been. I have talked to her quite explicitly about my desire to lose weight and how I have felt the urgency to do so. She had been working with me on a low insulin response diet and that had been working - but with all the travel - I hadn't stayed with it like I would have liked. This week she just asked if I had ever considered gastric bypass and if not, why not.

She was quite blunt about the fact that I have been battling weight for years, that there must be a family genetic predisposition towards obesity (and I am sure there is), and the fact that the window is closing quickly because most bariatric surgeons have age limits and I am approaching that window. She urged me to research it and consider it seriously.

I went right out of the office and headed to the therapy clinic down the street and enrolled in the fitness portion of their business. They have all the exercise equipment, water aerobics classes, and their programs are monitored and run by physical therapists and certified trainers. And they are open from 5:30 am to 8 pm five days a week and on Saturday morning.

I came home and talked with Rich. He has been wonderful and very supportive. As a morbidly obese person you never really want to announce to the world that you are "on a diet" again. You know that the chances of failure far outweigh the chances of success - you have done it over and over and understand all too well the chances. But as I have talked with Rich I have really decided that I don't want to pursue the bypass...although I hold it in reserve...just for safety sake. But, seriously, I have only known one person who has had it that has had a great outcome from beginning to end. And, I doubt my psychological and emotional responses are good indicators for success in the long term - I just can't see me eating 1-2 tablespoons of food for the rest of my life. And, somehow, I believe I am supposed to stuggle against this. I think the things that I am learning are important for my growth and development. And, it is true that I have failed for the last 20 years...but perhaps it is because I have failed all these other times that I will be successful now. I don't know. But I am giving myself until the end of August to lose 50 pounds before I have to make a decision...and so far I have lost another 10 since Monday...that isn't a bad start.

So, every day this week (Tuesday through Friday) I have gone to the center and worked out on their "land" equipment and then taken a water aerobics class. This is consuming huge amounts of time - 20 minutes travel time both ways, and 2+ hours there. However, I have balked about expense, time, and freedom long enough. The fact is, I need to do this now. It can't wait until the time is better. I have to reclaim my health and wellness, strength and endurance, and if I don't do this now then I will probably have the same issues that my mother had, in a few years. However, I am still suffering with guilt issues about taking so much time for myself - it seems so selfish. There is so much else that I need to do and I have come home exhausted each day - too exhausted to accomplish much else. Perhaps the more that I do it the more I will learn to streamline things here at home. And perhaps the more fit that I become and the more weight I lose the more energy I will have to come home and do the things I need to - all of this remains to be seen. But I can hope.

Rich has also helped in that he purchased me a Body Bugg - it hasn't arrived yet but I am looking forward to using it. Supposedly it tracks energy expenditure against the food that you log into it...and it is something else that I will need to learn how to operate...wonderful! He has also reassured me emotionally - and I am grateful for his support.

After only 4 days my legs seem a little stronger. They still hurt terribly and this will not eliminate the need to have my knees replaced - but strengthening the muscles that support the knees are beneficial now and when the surgery is done. And, hopefully, as I take weight off I will begin to feel the added pressure be released and the bulk adipose tissue disappear. Again, I can hope.