Gratitude - Our Bodies

Tonight I came home from the gym and wanted to collapse into bed but I decided that I would continue this - at least through November - and so I'm here!  LOL

I biked for 22 miles today, did water aerobics for 1/2 hour and also had a half hour training sessions with my trainer.  I'm reminded every day that I am growing older...whether it's the gray in my hair, the need to have things repeated so that I can hear them, my eyes that need the cataracts removed, or the weight that will not budge.  Nevertheless, I have a profound gratitude for this body that the Lord has given me.  For the most part it operates quite well.  I am getting stronger as evidenced by the increasing weight I can lift or the distance that I can ride or swim.  I am in awe of how resilient my body is - even though the average woman loses 5% of muscle mass each decade (thanks Dr. Oz), it doesn't have to remain so.  I will not be 20 again for many years but my muscles can/are gaining strength, flexibility, and mobility with exercise and good nutrition...I'm not doomed to have atrophying muscles if I choose to work at it. 

I also love that my body is washable.  I know that sounds so stupid - but I can get all sweaty, dirty, grungy even and yet a shower or bath or just washing my hands is so helpful both from an aesthetic and sanitary view.

I marvel about the all the cells, DNA, and the biological processes that are going on all the time - the fact that our hearts beat and we don't even think about it, that our livers and kidneys function without even missing a beat.  Our brains are such miracles - not even 3# - but look what they can do???  I remember my podiatrist explaining about the intricacies of the human foot - there are more bones in the foot than any other part of the body - but the cool thing is that when the foot is just hanging there it is just a mass of bones - it isn't until you actually step on it that it becomes an operational foot - because those bones are free floating they can adjust for any terrain they are called to go on - pavement, gravel, a stream bed, mud, grass - isn't that just so cool???

And perhaps the thing I love the most is the fact that my body was able to conceive and bear 6 beautiful children.  The processes that entails are so miraculous I can't even begin to describe or even understand.  And yet, feeling their little bodies inside of me, was just wonderous - I have no words to describe the joy their lives have brought to me - how grateful I am for them and their bodies.  We've been so blessed to have bodies and so often I take them for granted or get frustrated by them.  Hmmmm...I ought to reconsider those responses.

Gratitude - Technology

Today, in Sacrament Meeting, I was thinking about all the things that bless my life, wondering what I was most grateful for....  I decided that it was an impossible exercise.  Just as the gospel is one eternal round...so are the things that I am grateful for...each one blending into the realm of another and available to me because of another.  That said, I think I will take a moment each day and write about one thing, not necessarily more important than another or in any particular order, that I am grateful for.

Today I am so grateful for modern technology - phones, computers, television, radio, internet, cameras, etc.

Rebecca called me on her way home from church today to tell me that she loved and missed me.  It doesn't get any better than that!  My beautiful, wonderful, sweet granddaughter thought to call me.  It made my day!  Many years ago I watched a short movie clip about an old woman that waited for the mail each and every day for a letter from someone, anyone, she loved and who loved her.  Her children and grandchildren did love her but they were caught up in the busyness of their own lives and always meant to write the note or letter but it just didn't get done.  I related to the clip because I was a young person, then a young mom...always meaning to get that letter sent and always regretting that I hadn't gotten one off sooner.  Now...I'm the grandma but with a quick text, simple phone call, blog post, facetime, or facebook message I am able to have those precious contacts with those I love so dearly - and in real time!  I am able be know, to some extent, what is happening in their lives, what they are enduring, thinking, feeling, and working for.  And a short call to say "I love you" is just the best!  I love you too, Bekah!

The blessing of technology allows me to be involved in my kids and grandkids lives, directly and indirectly.  When one of the kids calls about this or that, I love feeling that they trust me enough to want my input and I always hope that they know that I trust them to gather all information and advice necessary on any given subject and then make the wisest choice for the situation they find themselves confronting...regardless of what I have just said!  LOL  As they discover, gather, and sort out their options I have the wonderful opportunity of being a part of the process - not to make the decision - but to know what they are feeling, experiencing, working on, or pleased with - whether worried about a sick child or worried about a rebellious youngster, whether seeking input on a sewing project (I love to have someone to bounce ideas off of too!) or a RS lesson, whether listening to a grandchild read their first scripture or just learn to talk on the phone...it doesn't matter...the opportunity to be a part of their lives is what matters.  And I am so profoundly grateful for the technology that allows me to do that.

It is the same technology that allows me to talk to my Dad and to assess his circumstances.  It is the same technology that permits me to be in a meeting with my brothers and sisters to discuss Dad and his failing health.  How cool is that???  And it is the same technology that enables us to marshall resources to help him as his circumstances dictate.  I doubt my Mom needs this technology to know these same things at this point in her life...but I wish that the technology of today would allow for my conversations with her to be less one-sided on my part! LOL

Tonight I have been doing some genealogy and just typing in a few names in a google search brought up compiled histories for ancestors that I am working on.  I have been trying, along with Joey, to get things ready to submit for the DAR and SAR and we have believed that the easiest line to follow would be through the Bingham line to Capt. David Perry.  Wow!  The resources that are available with just a few strokes of the keyboard are just astonding.  And, considering how tech challenged I am, it is absolutely amazing that I can find anything! 

Just seven years ago I was sitting in the living room of my parent's home when I received a phone call from a lady in Florida with information on the Bainbridge line that I had been searching for 20+ years.  This wonderful woman had found my query on a message board at ancestry.com from when we had lived in El Centro.  Years later she used modern technology to call every Bainbridge in the nation practically to find the person who was looking for Emmett Bainbridge because she had the information that I was looking for.  It just doesn't get much better than that!

But, as grateful as I am for these wonderful tools - I need lessons - kind of "door lessons" if you will!

We traveled to Johnson City today.  It is home to the VA Regional Medical Center that handles Rich's medical.  It is also nearly three hours from us and the second time we've been there in one week.  But, I'm not complaining as the pulmonologist there is the one that decided he would try ogygen on him and it seems to be helping.  His color is better and his breathing is less labored...all good things.  However, in the week that he has had the tanks he has gone through nearly all of them and that was to last him a month.  He called back to them on Wednesday and asked about the feasibility of a portable concentrator and explained that he is on the road a lot to various doctors, pulmonary rehab, physical therapy, and church, and that my Dad is in hospice and that when he leaves this mortal existence Rich will not be allowed to fly.  The respiratory therapist did some checking and got authorization to provide him with a unit on condition that he come back up so that they could test him on it.  Needless to say, I think he's really glad about the unit...much less cumbersome than hauling around oxygen tanks.

When we got home Rich's counselor, Julio, came by to help him take the shelves down in the garage to make room for the freezer that is to be delivered tomorrow.  There was a sale last week at Home Depot and so we decided to get one.  We've missed having one.  The last one we bought was in January of 1980 and it is still running - at Cherstin's house.  Unfortunately I doubt this one will last as long...and unfortunately it is frost free but I am grateful nonetheless.  I bought tomatoes to can last week and decided that I'll freeze them instead of can this bunch.  I love fresh tomato soup and have a great recipe for it, so with frozen tomatoes it'll be a snap to make.

I also canned the tomato jam that has been simmering for two days in the crock pot.  It is spicy but not as spicy as the last I made...thank goodness!  Rich isn't fond of it but I think it'll be great - especially with cream cheese and bagels...mmmm!  Julio liked it too and so I sent him home with a little tub of it.  Hopefully he wasn't just being polite!  LOL

Dad called me tonight.  It wasn't a very coherent conversation but at least he called and knew who he was talking to...that's a first in a couple of weeks.  He apologized for not getting up to see me but said that he had no car to come.  I told him I was in Tennessee and he responded, "you're going to Tennessee?"  For the last couple of months he has seemed to think that I have been in Utah rather than in Tennessee and has been baffled about why I haven't come to see him.  I'm wondering if some of the confusion is that I have stayed at Derk and Julia's the last two times I have been in Utah, rather than at his home.  I don't really know...trying to decode what is happening in his mind isn't very conclusive or productive, I'm afraid. 

I struggle with the rightness of my feelings right now.  I have been praying that the Lord would take him.  But then I wonder what kind of daughter am I that would want my father to die.  I can't really wrap my head around death anyway...I guess because I don't really believe in it.  I know that there is the death of the body but that is just the house where Dad's spirit resides and right now he is trapped.  Trapped in a body that is failing and that he no longer has power over.  Trapped in a body with a brain that is no longer allowing him to make consious choices or to understand and make sense of his world and what is happening to and around him.  Trapped in a body that keeps him from Mom, from his parents, from being him. 

As much as I don't want him to go - I want him to go more.  When Mom passed away, and to this day, it was like she has gone on a trip to Europe or someplace without phones.  A place that I cannot go right now but I have absolutely no doubt that she lives, that she is busy, happy, and free from the shackles and pains of her earthly body that was so wracked with pain.  How can I be sad for her?  Why would I not want that for Dad?  And why would I not want them to be together again?  Dad has been absolutely lost without her...he has put up a good front and tried valiantly to continue on...but lost nevertheless.  Mom often said that Dad saved her and she saved Dad from the insecurities, difficulties, and loneliness of their childhoods.  They were two halves that truly became whole when they found one another.

When Wanda was a baby and hit the stage where she could play peek-a-boo I was utterly mesmerized.   We played it over and over and over again, often using a sheet, blanket, or towel to hide behind.   Her squeals of delight, the joy on her face, her whole body trembling with excitement as she found me tickled me every bit as much as it did her.  Those experiences and feelings were renewed with each and every one of our children and came to be symbolic to me of my relationship with my Heavenly Father.  They have also now become symbolic of my relationship with my Mom.  I have no doubt that she can see me but I am just a babe, not completely understanding the veil that separates us but delighted each and every time I get a peek of the eternities and a hint of her beyond it.  I so wish I could talk to her...although truth be told, I do talk to her often...and I imagine what she would say...but I have no doubt at all that she is there...listening...helping...encouraging...supporting...urging me and all of her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren to continue to seek the face of God so that we can all be together forever on the other side of that veil.

One More Day

Today started off with Rich urging me to get out of bed because our training appointment was just an hour away....ahhh....sleeping in....to all those with little ones...the day will come again....Promise!  I had a good workout with Debi and then went to the theater room and biked while Rich had his appointment.  I got in nearly 12 miles on random hills - pretty good!  We sure have gotten spoiled with the theater room - filled with elliptical trainers, tread mills, bikes, recumbents, and rowing machines - I just pedaled away while watching Practical Magic - a pretty fun movie to watch with Halloween coming up.  I had to muse to myself for a minute - the movie has Sandra Bullock in it and I remember how many comments we would get about Desi looking like her...and we would get the comments about Wanda looking like Goldie Hawn...and we got comments about Cherstin looking like Reese Witherspoon...from the same family????

We came home and showered as Rich had an appointment with Dr. May.  Can I just say how much I appreciate her care and doctoring???  She is just awesome!  He had lost four pounds since last week - that was excellent.  And his breathing sounded much improved - yea steroids!  I asked her if his situation now was a new baseline or if it was reasonable to assume that he would be able to climb back to where he had been.  She said. "Reasonable - no.  Hopeful - yes."  The fact is that they don't know and it will take time to see how much he is able to regain.  She doesn't anticipate that he will be back to work anytime soon.  She acknowledged that she understood his frustration about not being able to do - but he should just do what he can and let the other stuff go - at least for now.  And, part of the level of frustration, impatience, and irritation may be attributed to the steroids - steroid rage is well documented.  The feeling that he continues to express about being in a fog mentally may have something to do with oxygen levels - but it may also have to do with blood sugars - so we'll be watching those much more closely.  She was very candid in telling us that his future health is very dependent on not taking any more hits with colds, flu, pneumonia, mrsa, and blood clots.  His lungs no longer have the elasticity they once had, there is heavy scarring, and his immune system just can't overcome all the hits.  She, depending on Dr. Dimeo's assessment in two weeks and if he continues on the path he is on today, will clear him to do some limited traveling - although he must stop every hour and walk for 5-10 minutes.  Absolutely no plane travel...kind of figured that.  He is to stay out of crowded places, no WalMart, no mall, etc.  He is to carry around hand sanitizers, use a mask if he has to be around anyone who is ill - i.e. dr.'s offices, sick family members, etc.  And, last but not least, he has to get off the river in Egypt.  All in all I do feel hopeful.  And, I am grateful to realize that there are things that we can do to limit his chances of taking another "hit" and allow his body to get stronger and get farther away from the "edge".  It is helpful to know a little bit about the kinds of things that they (the drs) are concerned about and recognize that while he may look fine...even feel pretty good on some days...his condition is more fragile than we realize and how quickly that can turn...so that we remain vigilant and cautious rather than being stupid.  That's always helpful! LOL

We came home and I went to a funeral for a friend's sister.  I hadn't met her but I wasn't really going for her - but for her sister.  It was in a Baptist Church...I can't get over how much having a fullness of the gospel really does change things.  These were lovely people, caring people...but as the Pastor spoke I just flashbacked to Grandma Bainbridge's funeral and realized that there really is comfort in having some of the answers that we do.

After I got home we went back to the gym.  I fully anticipated going swimming after riding the bike again...but only managed 20 minutes and 6 miles on the bike and then decided to head home.  I could have done more...I know it...just wanted to come home.  Home is good.

A Very Quick Weekend

The Gang's All Here!

Reah loved the animals

Joey, Carlie and the kids came to visit for the weekend and it went by way too fast for my tastes!  We really had a great time visiting with them and are so grateful that they are this close.

They got here Friday evening about 9:30 so we all put of swimming suits and headed to the gym pool for an hour of swimming.  My hopes were that the kids would have some fun and get some of their wiggles out after the long car trip.  Gideon, Glory, Levi, and Reah had a great time but Scarlett was so tired that she was pretty miserable.  Afterwards we came home, had some hot chocolate and crashed.

The next morning Rich wanted to just get up and got get donuts are Krispy Kreme but since it was on our way out of town I suggested that we all go together...but it was more like herding cats to get us all ready to go in any kind of speed.  By the time we left it was time for lunch so we just hit Mr. Gatti's for the pizza buffet in Knoxville instead.

A few weeks earlier I had gone to the Smokey's with some friends and the traffic hadn't been bad at all.  A week previous to that the traffic had been absolutely horrendous - taking nearly an hour to go 1 mile.  I reasoned that since my trip had been later, most of the tourist season was past and so going to the mountains (foothills by western standards - LOL) would be lovely, fun, and easy.  NOT!!!  Traffic was so bad that the police actually closed the road in the park to Gatlinburg.  There was also no cell phone service in the park so when we found ourselves separated from Joey and Carlie we just hoped for the best.  Ironically, as we were entering the Kade's Cove Loop (an 11 mile loop of one way traffic to see scenic sites, old churches and cemeteries, bears, etc.) a traffic sign indicated that it was a 3 hour trip to go the 11 miles but we thought that Joey and Carlie were ahead of us so we entered the loop.  We were so surprised when just a few hundred feet into the loop we found Joey - he was driving the wrong way to get out of the loop!  I have no idea how he was able to turn his van around as the road is just one lane - but he managed it somehow!  That's Joey for you!  Carlie was so embarrassed...cars were bumper to bumper and people would ask him if he realized he was going the wrong way and he would tell them, "Yeah, but I'm not wasting three hours for this!"  Rich and I were already committed and we couldn't find a place to duplicate Joey's move but we found a cutoff that allowed us to only go two miles back to the Ranger Station and Souvenier Store.  When we got there we found that Carlie, Joey, Gideon, Levi, and Reah were walking down the road.  They returned to the store and we made potty stops and I told Carlie that when the other drivers had seen what Joey was doing they would see the door magnets on the car showing he was a Ron Paul supporter and would just consider the source!  LOL

From the store back to Gatlinburg was 26 miles but we ended up taking the Pigeon Forge cut-off and heading back that direction as we had tickets for the Hatfields and the McCoys Dinner Theater.  We needed to kill some time so we ended up at McDonalds for an ice cream and then hit a strip mall. 

About 7 pm we headed over to the theater to pick up our tickets and waited outside where they had rocking chairs and a sort of petting zoo type of deal, and then in the gift shop for pictures and to be seated.

Levi did NOT want his picture taken!

Once we got seated the wait staff started bringing our food - creamy vegetable soup, fried chicken, pulled pork, beans, cole slaw, corn bread biscuits, mashed "taters", and chocolate pudding for dessert.  Our drinks were served in Mason Jars and the kids thought that was pretty fun.

The show was fun, light-hearted and while the kids didn't get ALL the "Jeff Foxworthy"-style jokes, they did get much of what was going on.  They had never heard of the feud of the Hatfield's and the McCoys and so we had shared with them some of the backstory before we even got to the theater so that they would have some kind of reference point.  There was fun music with banjos, guitars, bass fiddle, jug, fiddles, and great singers.  They also had fun dancers that were tappers and they could really make music with their feet - they were awesome.  And of course, the Tennessee twang fit right in to the dramatic effects of the production. LOL  Couldn't tell on bit if it was real or just for effect!

By the time we got home it was nearly midnight and it had been a very long day.  The kids were out like lights!  I still had a R.S. lesson to finish preparing and Rich had some things to do for Young Men so we didn't get to sleep until about 2 am.  Love having an 11:30 meeting time - although Rich's start at 10!

We went to church, came home and had lunch and then drove to Knoxville to visit Grandma B's grave, and returned home to fix dinner.  Bob came over and ate with us too.  Bedtime was past due but Gideon, Joey, Rich and I played a round of Phase 10 just because. 

This morning everyone helped Joey and Carlie collect their things and then we headed over to Firehouse Subs for lunch before they took off.  They returned here to get Storm and the kids got some last handfuls of candy from the "candy box" - they seemed to like it just like our other grandchildren that have been here! LOL We had hugs and kisses and waved as they drove out of the drive way...bittersweet!  They called about 8 pm this evening to tell us they had arrived home safely....  Time with family...is there anything better????  If there is I can't imagine it!!!!

Time...time...time...

Since I last posted life has been kind of a blur.  In early August Rich had a quick, three day business trip out to San Francisco.  He had been having problems with pneumonia for about six weeks previously but had been on steroids and antibiotics so he left and had a good time with other contractors from the left coast.  However, when he returned it was evident that he just wasn't getting any better.  I asked him if he wanted to get in to see Dr. Dimeo (his pulmonologist) and he told me to make the appointment.  The earliest I could get him in was the following day...but I'm so glad that we did.

Dr. Dimeo met him at the lung functions booth and ordered blood work and x-rays.  When they got back to the room he asked Rich if he wanted to go to the hospital and Rich said, "no."  But Dr. Dimeo responded by telling him that he thought it would be best if he went right over.  While Dr. Dimeo made the hospital arrangements I took Rich over to the hospital where they ran more tests...and more tests...and put him on IV antibiotics, steroids, and breathing treatments.  That evening we learned that they had found blood clots in his lungs and legs.  Four days later he was able to come home with new courses of antibiotics, steroids, and blood thinners. 

Since then it has been non-stop doctor visits to the pulmonologist, primary care physician, cardiologist, coumadin clinics, the VA and tests and tests and tests.  Gratefully we have learned that the emboli didn't cause any other heart damage and his heart is doing well.  But it has been a very slow and long road to recovery.  We have been told that this is to be expected, especially with the degree of lung disfuction.  He has been on short-term disability since this happened but today we learned that the insurance company that has the company's policy is recommending that he move to the long term disability list and apply for social security disability.  I'm reluctant to go this route (there are no guarantees) because I know that Rich still has lots to contribute but perhaps this is something that we need to consider if we are to safeguard his health.  The VA put him back on oxygen yesterday and I am anxious to see how he does with that.  Two years ago, after the respiratory failure, Dr. May put him on it and told him that it would help him get better because he would not be using all his energy to breathe and his lungs would have a chance to rest and heal a little.  It took about 5-6 months but sure enough, he was able to get off it.  Perhaps it will be the same this time.  The coumadin is getting more and more stable so he is only having to go to the clinic once this week!  Yea!!!

We have talked about retiring and going on a mission but haven't wanted to do that just yet...but perhaps he'll be doing most of his service as a genealogy extractor.  He doesn't have to move too much to do that!  LOL

Well, Wanda, Mary, Ruth, Moroni, and Hyrum came down to visit for a couple of weeks a couple of days after Rich got home.  It was so much fun to have them and while they were here we were able to help Wanda make a king-size quilt, went to Dixie Stampede, and just had so much fun being with them.

The following week Rich's sister and brother-in-law, Marsha and Blair, came to visit and that too was fun.  We didn't do too much.  They came up to give their van to Bob so that he would have some dependable transportation.  It was this week, too, that Bob signed his paperwork for his new home.  He was truly excited and we are happy for him.  Unfortunately Rich couldn't help him at all per dr's orders and I was worthless because I was undergoing the synvisc injections to my knees.  It took him nearly a month but he is finally settled.  However, just a few weeks later he lost his job and has been looking for one ever since.  He has a good lead tomorrow and we certainly hope it works out.

Marsha and Blair came back for a visit when Jeanie and LeRoy came out a couple weeks later.  It was the first time that everyone had been together since Mom B.'s funeral.  We didn't do an awful lot except eat and talk and laugh.  It is such a wonderful thing to have family.

The next week I had a friend come visit from Illinois.  I had "met" her through the Biggest Loser Club and it was so much fun to get to meet her in real life.  We spent a day in the Smokies, saw The Miracle and went to the dinner theater The Hatfields and the McCoys. 

The following week Marsha and Blair returned for the anniversary of Mom B.'s death.  We planted a few more flowers at the grave and just enjoyed their company. 

Late last week Joey returned home from Iraq.  I am profoundly grateful for his safe return and so grateful that his little family has been well for this long deployment.  Now they begin the long journey of reuniting as a family.  I pray that it will be much easier than it so often is after a long separation.  They are coming to visit this weekend and I can hardly wait to see them.

On the 12th of this month I celebrated the 7th anniversary of my Mother's death.  Celebrate?  I guess that is what it really is.  I kind of think of it as a graduation from mortality but I have to say that I have missed her and thought about her more than ever.  I so wish I could talk to her, although I will admit freely that I do talk with her often throughout the day or from time to time as circumstances dictate.  Lately I have been praying that the Lord will have found us (Me, Mike, Derk, Brad, Jim, and Chad) worthy and having learned what we need to so that He will take Dad to be with Her.  His decline has been remarkable.  Most of the time he has no idea who he is talking to when I call, or can't follow the conversation, or doesn't even know where he is when I call.  I can only assume that we have things to learn and prove because I see no other reason or purpose for his time here.  I know that his love for mom is eternal.  He has been lost since she has been gone and has tried valiantly to go on but he has been lost nevertheless.

Well - I have pics to share but Cherstin should be at swim lessons right now so I will have her consult with me tomorrow so that I can post them.  I am so grateful for this medium...I certainly type faster than I write...now if I would just type more often! LOL

Life Happens...

It has been a very busy and eventful last few months.  Time sure flies when you're having fun!  :)

In the late spring and early summer Rich had been having another bout with pneumonia that just wouldn't resolve - similar to the summer of 2004.  I had been gone off and on for the births of our Hyrum the Elder and Hyrum the Younger...and for their blessings...and for the most part Rich seemed to be coping and enduring as always.  However, in August he really didn't feel well.  Dr. Dimeo, his pulmonologist, had already had a CT scan done of his lungs in June because he thought the pneumonia might not be just pneumonia but rather be blood clots - that scan was negative - so when we returned because Rich wasn't doing well he very nearly didn't order another scan.  Luckily he put Rich in the hospital and ordered the scan anyway and found blood clots in his lungs and dopplar discovered clots in his legs in addition to the pneumonia.  Antibiotics, heparin, coumadin, prednisone and the ever constant nebulizer were the miracles he needed - along with having his name in the temple, our combined faith and prayers AND a priesthood blessing :)

After nearly a week in the hospital he was released to come home but has been on short term disability since.  We've been assured that this will resolve but that it will probably take a few months before he feels "human" completely.  Ever since then our weeks have consisted of multiple coumadin checks at the labs, pulmonary appointments, primary care appointments, cardiology appointments, VA appointments, and a never ending stream of lab and medical tests.  I think we are nearing the end of them - at least the frequency of them.  Hallelujah!  This week his cardiologist told us that the tests they had taken had shown that he had escaped with no damage to his heart and while there is often an odd beat pattern, it is not the A-fib that plagued him after the respiratory failure of 2 years ago.  As Sharreen Touchet so often said, "Blessings! Blessings!"

In the meantime I had started my three week round of synvisc injections for my knees, had a root canal and three crowns.  Gratefully I am almost through with all of that and my knees are beginning to respond somewhat to the injections.

A few days after Rich got out of the hospital Wanda, Mary, Ruth, Moroni, and Hyrum came for a couple of weeks.  That was fun...and I think it allowed us to focus a little bit on them instead of it ALL being about us.  Wanda and I went quilt store shopping and she found a fun pattern for a quilt for her bed and so with LOTS of work and many late nights she got it completed...bound too...BEFORE she left for home! LOL  The poor kids didn't get to do too much - went out to eat a few times, went to the Dixie Stampede,

Back in the Gym Again1

Last night Rich and I went to the gym...tonight too.  It feels so good to get back to familiar patterns.  We have had a series of difficulties since April that have kept us out - other than meeting with our trainers - and finally we are moving in the right direction again.

Yesterday Rich had an appointment with Dr. Dimeo (his pulmonologist) to determine lung function and if the pneumonia had gone.  It hasn't - although it is markedly improved and hence the exercise.  He is on another antibiotic course and another round of steroids and will see Dimeo again in a couple of weeks...but the improvement is good.

For me - I had been pretty sick and experiencing some horrific vertigo.  Couldn't figure out why.  However, I had gone to the dentist between Wisconsin and Oklahoma because I was experiencing intermittent tooth pain.  The dentist discovered a tooth that needed a root canal even though I wasn't experiencing pain or any other symptoms...the tooth that was bothering me was cracked and in Oklahoma it actually broke and gave me quite the relief.  To make a long story short...I had the root canal last week and work done on the other tooth for a crown and now the vertigo is almost gone.  I don't know whether it was the infection and since I have been on an antibiotic that has helped or what...just grateful to be able to hold my head up or lay down and not have the world spinning! :)  And, since I can do that - I have been able to exercise the last couple of days without falling...yea!

And - as I long have learned - when the exercise is in place somehow, for some reason, diet becomes much better managed.  I have theories...but what is more important is that it is actually a fact.

Dr. Dimeo cautioned both of us to take the come back very, very slowly.  He told Rich that if he thought he could do 10 minutes then to shorten it to 5 instead.  And intersperse the aerobic with a couple of minutes of strength exercises so that his body has a chance to catch up.  Said it is the fastest way back to our peaks.  Yesterday I did 20 minutes on the bike and then an additional 10, and then 30 minutes in the pool.  Tonight I did 22 minutes, some abs and triceps work and then an additional 8 minutes on the bike.  But, tonight I traveled more distance - did 6 miles.   On our way home we noted that our bodies are so amazing - they are so quick to give up the strength and fitness...but they are so quick to respond to good care too. 

Yesterday, at lunch, there were a couple of guys sitting behind us discussing America and freedom.  They were obviously foreigners - sounded Russian, Czech, or something like it - but speaking English.  I didn't mean to eavesdrop but the conversation started softly and grew loud enough that not hearing would have been impossible.  Anyway - the nuts and bolts of their discussion was that you achieve what you get in the future by doing those things you need to do to achieve the result today...in essence today determines both the future and the past, especially since today becomes the past tomorrow.  That what is so wonderful about living here is that we really do have the freedom to choose what we will do with today to achieve what we want in the future.  I have thought about the wisdom of these young men in their discussion.  Too often we want the results of our intentions rather than having to do the work...and it doesn't work that way.  It doesn't work in weight loss and fitness, charachter building, education, getting out of debt, food storage...or any other endeavor.   Today is all we have.  I love Emily Dickinson's "Forever is composed of nows."  Or Emerson who said, "We are always getting ready to live but never living."  Or Charlotte Perkins Gilman's, "Eternity is not something that begins after you're dead.  It is going on all the time."  Truly, if you worry about what might be and wonder what might have been, you will ignore what is...  It is nice to not be ignoring today in my quest for better health...or planning to do better "tomorrow"...because today is all that I have.

Social Media

This morning I was running an errand and was listening to talk radio (surprise!  surprise!  LOL).  Anyway - there is a local talk show called the Haloran Hilton Show which discusses local and national stories but takes phone calls and input from locals, as you would suppose.  Today the story they were talking about was the abysmal economy and lack of jobs coupled with a new trend from employers to do background checks on potential employees using a company that investigates and scours the internet of ALL social media on a candidate - including the honors and great things along with anything you have said, done, or joined that may be negative.  The background check is very thorough and goes back for seven years.  The obvious places you would think of - facebook, my space, twitter, etc. come to mind - but flicker, photo sharing sites, clubs, blogs, interaction with individuals via the internet in emails, texts, etc. all come to bear.

The host of the program had asked what the listening audience thought...especially considering privacy rights and that so many of the younger generation seem to have so little thought about putting EVERYTHING out there with so little regard for personal privacy and understanding how easily some very innocent things can be twisted into something so bad, or we just grow up...or, on the flip side...had Anthony Weiner had a background check would his wife have married him and would his constituents voted him into office.

As I listened to the interaction my thoughts reflected over and over again on an old movie our family had watched many years ago called, Defending Your Life.  It had Meryl Streep and Albert Brooks in it and it always felt to me kind of like how I thought the judgement may be.  There was a judge and a prosecutor, using "video tape" of their lives, to determine their worthiness of future happiness and placement in the next life.  As the video replayed in certain areas they would have to explain why they made the decision or did what they did. 

I don't really remember much specifically about the movie - just the premise - but always felt like it was a pretty good representation of the plan of salvation and knowing that the Lord is omniscient.  Through the years I have often thought about the movie, especially as I pondered scriptures such as Alma 12:14-15,
       "For our words will condemn us, yea, all our works will condemn us; we shall not be found spotless; and our thoughts will also condmen us; and in this awful state we shall not dare to look up to our God; and we would fain be glad if we could command the rocks and the mountains to fall upon us to hide us from his presence.
       "But this cannot be; we must come forth and stand before him in his glory, and in his power, and in his might, majesty, and dominion , and acknowledge to our everlasting shame that all his judgments are just; that he is just in all his works, and that he is merciful unto the children of men, and that he has all power to save every man that believeth on his name and bringeth forth fruit meet for repentance."

As the radio program ensued a caller stated the obvious - that if you don't do, say, or think anything that you wouldn't want God to witness - then you have nothing to fear...

But then I realized that there was so much more than not fearing and not wanting damnation to motivate me... there is the desire to become like my Father in Heaven and Savior...and the Lord himself told us how in D&C 88 -
        "Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you; seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you....
        "And if your eye be single to my glory, your whole bodies shall be filled with light, and there shall be no darkness in you; and that body which is filled with light comprehendeth all things.
        "Therefore, sanctify yourselves that your minds become single to God, and the days will come that you shall see him; for he will unveil his face unto you, and it shall be in his own time, and in his own way, and according to his own will.
        "Remember the great and last promise which I have made unto you; cast away your idle thoughts and your excess of laughter far from you....
        "And as all have not faith, seek ye diligently and teach one another words of wisdom; yea, seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom; seek learning, even by study and also by faith.
        "Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing; and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God;
        "That your incomings may be in the name of the Lord; that your outgoings may be in the name of the Lord; that all your salutations may be in the name of the Lord, with uplifted hands unto the Most High.
        "Therefore, cease from all your light speeches, from all laughter, from all your lustful desires, from all your pride and light-mindedness, and from all your wicked doings....
        "See that ye love one another; cease to be covetous; learn to impart one to another as the gospel requires.
        "Cease to be idle; cease to be unclean; cease to find fault one with another; cease to sleep longer than is needful; retire to thy bed early, that your bodies and your minds may be invigorated.
        "And above all things; clothe yourselves with the bond of charity, as with a mantle, which is the bond of perfectness and peace.
        "Pray always, that ye may not faint, until I come. Behold. and lo, I will come quickly, and receive you unto myself. Amen."

I love this quote from Bruce R. McConkie, "It is one thing to know about God and another to KNOW Him.  We know about Him when we learn the He is a personal being in whose image man is created; when we learn the Son is in the express image of His Father's person, when we learn that both the Father and the Son possess certain (specific) attributes and powers.  But we KNOW them in the sense of gaining eternal life when we enjoy and experience the same things They do.  To KNOW God is to think as He thinks, to feel as He feels, to have the power He possesses, to comprehend the truths He understands, and to do what He does.  Those who KNOW God BECOME like Him and have His kind of life, which is eternal life."

Our lives really are a running recording of our thoughts, deeds, and desires...and it is from this record that we will be judged...with the blanks brought about by our sincere repentance.  Obviously, as we repent, school our feelings and desires, and do the Lord's will there will be fewer and fewer gaps in the tape until such a time that we will be able to show the entire movie to the Nephis', Moses', Abrahams', and Josephs' of our posterity...and our daughters too.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, part 2

Last night Rich and I went to the last Harry Potter movie for our Family Home Evening.  The theater was practically deserted and we enjoyed not having to share it with the craziness that was probably the scene over the weekend.

During the day I had read a talk by Melvin Ballard given in1928 at the Tabernacle and reprinted in the New Era in 1984.  The talk, "Struggle for the Soul," is extraordinarily powerful...especially to me as I struggle to overcome the flesh and become my best self.  But as I watched Harry Potter I almost was mesmerized by the images that came before my eyes and I found myself reflecting over and over again on the prophetic words of the Lord through Elder Ballard.  I marvelled about how many best-selling books and movies are out right now with the immortal theme of good vs. evil - how J.K. Rowling had captured the hearts and minds of literally millions around the globe in this classic tale and how seriously true the tale is - in a metaphorical way.   It is even more sad to me that so many who love this story will view it just as a metaphor rather than recognizing the truths it contains.  At one point in the movie one of the characters refuses to not call the devil by his true name, thus recognizing his power and his war upon good and in so doing sets up the ultimate battle for the very soul of each and every character in the movie - only he who will see it, recognize it. call it what it is, and engage in the battle against it...only he will be victorious in the end.  

Speaking of the real-life battle we're all in, Elder Ballard noted:
    "When the first of the Father's faithful sons and daughters were about to come into earth life, they were undoubtedly warned and cautioned; for we were to have TWO new experiences.  First, we were to come into possession of a mortal tabernacle.  Never having had one before, it was all strange to us.  We were charged that we were to take possession of that mortal tabernacle and make it our servant, and were to be master over it, to honor it and yet to subjugate it.

    "[Second,] we were to be in the presence of the enemy who was now a majority.  If our eyes were only opened to see the powers that are about us, that seek to influence us, we could not have the courage to walk alone and unassisted.  These powers are about us, using their influence for the accomplishment of certain well-defined ends to win the coveted place for their chief, the fallen son of God.  When he fell the heavens wept over him, and he became Lucifer, the devil."

    I had to chuckle when Neville stood in the safety of the dome and mocked the evil mobs that sought to destroy him and all those at Hogwarts...because how often have I felt that same smugness in the protection and safety I have been in without realizing the true peril that was about to engulf me.  And it was with pleasure that I watched Neville stand against all that raged, knowing that he'd given his all, and if it required his life, so be it...but he could do so knowing that he had chosen for all that was good and right.  He had stood fast, firm, and immoveable.

    The portrayal of the dementors was also pretty fascinating to me.  The special effects, the music, and the darkness and forboding told the tale of their desire to destroy the very souls of mankind.  Elder Ballard said, "It is not bodies, it is immortal spirits that the devil wants.  And he tries to capture them through the body, for the body can enslave the spirit, but the spirit can keep the body a servant and be its master."

    There are so many things I can point to throughout the movie that vividly portray this war we are in...it is a haunting tale for sure...but perhaps the thing I was most struck with was the idea that in order to completely overcome evil Harry had to let the evil in him die...like Elder Maxwell once said..."Real, personal sacrifice never was placing an animal on the altar.  Instead, it is a willingness to put the animal in us upon the altar and letting it be consumed!"  It is only then that we are truly free from bondage and able to have the peace and happiness that comes from keeping the commandments of the Lord. 

    At the start of the movie I knew the outcome.  Even as I read the first book of the series I knew the outcome of the last.  It is the same with the real-life war that has been and continues to rage through the eons of time.  As Elder Ballard said, "Who fears the outcome?  Only he who is a deserter. But those who are on the Lord's side will close the ranks, fortify themselves, adhere to the standards, live in harmoney with those blessed principles of the gospel which Christ has given, depending absolutely upon his leadership.  And as sure as we live, victory shall come for Christ and his own."

Ohio, the Bainbridges, and the Court of Honor

Today I spent the day with Carlie and the kids.  I thought I would take a moment and enjoy having some alone time with them. 

Gideon starts school early in the morning - he meets the bus at 7 am!  Glory and Scarlett don't have to catch the bus for an hour and a half later.  By the time that Carlie gets them out the door she has already put in a full days' work!

She baby sat for a friend for a couple of hours after the girls had gone to school.  Then, shortly after lunch Levi got ready to go to school...he goes four days a week and when I asked him what the best part of school was he told me, "coming home!"  *grin*

Levi has a friend that broke his femor and is in a full leg cast and cannot put any weight on it at all.  His Momma carries him to the car and into the classroom.  So, they pick up Levi so that he can help carry things in to school for them while his Mom is getting him into school.  However, his mom has a little girl Reah's age so Carlie watches her while everyone gets to school.

After everyone was situated Carlie and I took her car in to the WalMart so that she could get a new tire on her van and then she and I went to Costco down in Cinncinati.  Joey had requested some chocolate caramel macademia nuts and mini oreos.  I promised him that when I got here I would buy some.  However, they didn't have any oreos so we got Cheese-its instead.  He'll enjoy that too - gratefully he was able to call and talk to Carlie while we walked through Costco and he could tell me what he wanted - LOL.

We raced back to pick up the car and Carlie had to get to the circus with the kids and then she barely got home in time to get Gideon and head out for his court of honor.  He received his Star rank tonight and three merit badges.  He hopes to have his Life rank before his Daddy comes home from Iraq. 

Carlie and the kids seem to be doing pretty darn good, considering.  As with most deployments, things seem to always break down - and that certainly happened this week.  Her lawnmower died, the Neon died, and she had to have a wheel alignment and two new tires on the van...all in a day or two!  Ugh!!!  And, to top that off the timer on her dryer is going out and she often finds that a load of laundry has been drying all night long...but...she has pruned bushes and hedges, is drying strawberries and other fruit, preparing to raise bunnies, and is busy, busy, busy.  I am grateful that things are busy for them...it makes the time go so much faster....  There seems to be a serenity here and I can often hear Carlie singing and humming as she goes about her day.  It isn't easy being and doing what they are all doing - but they are doing it with grace and love...surely more of the Lord's tender mercies..as is the technology that allows them to see and talk to one another on the other side of the world each day!

Gideon receiving his merit badges

Reah

Gideon receiving his Star Rank with Carlie at his side and Scoutmaster Bennett

Tonight Cherstin has helped me figure out how to upload pictures and post them to the blog - I am going to try and do this tonight  all by myself...that should be interesting!!!  LOL  Okay!!!  I know I need your help, Cherstin!!!  Thanks!  LOL

Ohio and the Bainbridges

I have been struggling to get ready to leave for the last few days...seems I am taking the entire house INCLUDING THE KITCHEN SINK!!! LOL There are so many things that I want to get done while I am with my little families - but most of the time I think I bite off more than I can chew.

Anyway - I finally got packed and Rich came home and helped me finish packing the car, we went to lunch and then we parted and I drove north.

The trip was fairly smooth - got here in under 5 hours and that is pretty good considering how much of it was at rush hour. I never drive between Ohio and Tennessee without remembering that night in November 2009 when I learned that Rich as in the ICU on a ventilator. It was cold, foggy, and pouring rain - one of the longest trips I have ever taken. You would think I would be over it - but the memories are intense and difficult.

When I got here we went out to the Golden Corral for supper - on Tuesday night children 12 and under are only $2.99....not bad for dinner! Again, this just served to cause me to remember that November...I had come up because Carlie was expecting Reah and the night that I got here we went out for dinner at Golden Corral as it was Veterans' Day and they were honoring Vets and Active Duty personnel with a free meal. That night I couldn't get a hold of Rich...I tried, tried, and tried...even got up in the middle of the night but to no avail. Little did I know that he had been admitted to the ICU. Someday these memories will fade, won't they?

Anyway - it was a delightful evening with Carlie and the kids. Gideon has a friend, Moontaser, who lives around the corner and he and his mom joined us. It was fun to get to know them. I sat and wondered how she must have felt around us...they are Palestinian. In the end...we are all just people needing to be loved, accepted, and befriended. Carlie is doing just that. And, who knows? Perhaps that friendship will blossom and the gospel will be given a chance to be shared.

Below are the pictures that are now posted - 12 hours later than my original post because I need to get someone to show me how to do that!!! :0

Gideon and Glory lovin' Golden Corral

"Peace!"

"I am Gideon!!!!"

Moonstaser and his mom - he is a good friend of Gideon and they came to eat with us - they are from Palestine

Scarlett and Glory - copy cats!

Reah and Carlie

S

Defying gravity!  Glug-glug!

Reah and Carlie

Today Rich and I spent the day and evening in Nashville.  Rich had a dr. appointment at Vanderbilt and all is well.  Hallelujah!  However, then we went to Costco and our checkbook is not so well after that!  LOL

We've been talking about getting me a "point and click" camera so we went for it.  I don't know what I'm going to take pictures of around here - but I am going to try to get the hang of it and post more diligently.  I am suspecting that as I get used to the thing and am more consistent I will find all kinds of reasons to "click" away...I hope so because I sure don't want it to have been a waste of money!  *yikes!*

Talked to my Dad this morning and evening.  His surgery went really well and they were able to give him a very light dose of the anesthesia and a type that would have the least effect on the Alzheimer's.  This morning he seemed pretty good...but he was still having difficulty emptying his bladder so he wasn't discharged until nearly 5 pm.  When he got home he called me and then hung up.  He told Mike that I had hung up.  I called him back but the same thing happened.  So Mike called me and told me that the anesthesia seemed to be giving him more difficulty as the day went on and then handed Dad the phone so that I could talk.  We were able to chat for a couple of minutes but he seemed distracted.  About a half hour later he called me back, couldn't remember that we had just talked, and proceeded to tell me that he had been reading from a Bulgarian Newsletter and it was quite interesting.  I couldn't tell whether he was just joking around or if he was serious so I just uttered, "wow!"  At which he started talking to me in totally non-sensical sentences...I think the meds and the lateness of the hour were really getting to him.  We said our good-byes but not without him wanting to know how all the kids and Rich were doing and wanting me to tell them all that he loves them...so consider it done!

Dad's Surgery

Today Dad had surgery to remove 3 large bladder stones, each the size of walnuts.  Things went very well and the anesthesiologist was able to give him a type and amount of anesthesia that they hoped would limit the damage to his brain and cognitive function...and it looks like they were successful on all accounts.  Another tender mercy!

I had a chance to talk with him and he seems to know me.  Time will tell how well he comes out of it though as last time he seemed pretty lucid at times and yet now has no memory of the events.  In fact, one day I was talking to him about the gall bladder surgery and he responded, "how come no one ever told me that I had the surgery?"  LOL 

How blessed are we to live in a day and age when these things can be taken care of.  It is amazing - and I am so grateful that I live now rather than when a person would just have to suffer and even die from some of these diseases and illnesses. 

Blessings, Blessings!

A number of years ago, when we lived in El Centro, I had the privilege to work with a dear sister in the Young Women's program.  Whenever a challenge would come up, some kind of difficulty, opportunity to serve, whatever, Sister Shareen Touchet would chime in with "Blessings!  Blessings!!"   Whenever I say that I can actually hear her voice, intonation, and smile...and I have to smile myself.  I would bet that Desi, Cherstin, and even Felicia have to smile too.

The first talk that Elder Bednar ever gave at General Conference, when he was called as a new Apostle, he talked about the "tender mercies" of the Lord.  I frequently think about the tender mercies that He continues to bless me with and never more so than I have the last few weeks.

I think about that as I realize that it has been a tender mercy for the Lord to allow Joey and his little family to move to Ohio.  It has afforded us the opportunity to be in their home, be in attendance at special events, and to hold and love this little family that we have not had too much before.  In November we had the opportunity to go there and witness the baptism of Scarlett.  What a sweet young woman she is growing into.  Rich was able to be one of the witnesses at her baptism and to also stand in the Priesthood circle at her confirmation.  Joey's blessing was tender and full of emotion as he recounted to her the many gifts that she has and how she might use them throughout her life.  One of the gifts that he noted was that she has a great exuberance for life, an openness and willingness to greet everyone as if they were long lost buddies and that she would be a light to all who are around her.  Boy!  Is that ever true!!!  She is about as loving and open as any person I have ever known. 

I think about the opportunity we had to spend Thanksgiving and have a family reunion together...the financial impact, the distances some had to travel, the inconvenience of those in Wisconsin facing the hordes of family visitors, the opportunity for everyone to be there and to have family pictures...it was truly a multitude of tender mercies that allowed us to do that.

I consider my trip out west after the reunion...the ease of it, the safety, the safe arrival of Rich in Tennessee and his trip out to be with me for Christmas, the opportunity to see Felicia and spend some time with her, the opportunity to gather again with many of my extended family for the Christmas season, to be there when two great-nieces were born, and the opportunity to be with my Dad - oh, the tender mercies that allowed me to do that are too many to count.

But the tender mercies just kept coming as we headed north and east to be able to be in Wisconsin for the blessing of little Oliver.  Although it was the dead of winter we were able to spend a day in Westminster, with Desi and Mike and Emily and Mordecai before we had to continue on.  When I think of how lucky we are to have children so strategically placed throughout the U.S. that we have the opportunity to touch base with them and to see them, if even for only a few hours, during our travels, I am in awe and humbled to recognize both their goodness and kindness in welcoming us into their homes and the Lord's hand in bringing us safely through those very many hours of travel and difficult weather conditions.

We were literally directed and protected on our journey to Wisconsin.  We were even privileged to be there in time to take William and Orion to visit Hannah and Oliver in the hospital.  We were privileged to see the love and excitement of those two little boys to see their Daddy and Mommy...even though I doubt the significance of Oliver's arrival really meant much to William at the moment.  And, because of the tender mercies of the Lord, Hannah's folks and youngest brother were able to be there too, the very first time they had been able to make it for one of Hannah's and Phil's babies.  And it all culminated with the blessing of Oliver by his Daddy, with both grandfathers and Uncle Robert joining in that sacred event.  And the Lord just continued to pour out His protective influence over our two little families in Wisconsin, Hannah's folks, and us as we traveled home.

Just a week later we had the opportunity to travel to Ohio to see Joey, Carlie, and the kids and to be there when Gideon was ordained a deacon.  Despite record snow and cold we still were able to find a window of opportunity to be there to share that event, as were dear friends, Mike and Vida Preston.  What a blessing that day was - Gideon and I share the same birthday, I had the opportunity to watch him take this very important step, Joey was preparing to leave the very next day for an extended TDY and yet he was still able to be there to ordain Gideon, Mike and Vida were able to come and we could catch up and remember old times, and we got to spend time with Carlie, Glory, Scarlett, Levi, and Reah as well.

We returned home to Tennessee and I set to work on making a blessing dress for Ruby.  As I contemplated the huge expense that these dresses are I started to wonder how it was that I could do them but bring the costs down some.  Rich and I talked about it and we decided that I ought to open a business - hoping that because of a business license I might be able to purchase supplies at a wholesale rate - and that it really would enable me to bring the costs down.  Rich ran the process down for me and I applied, the business was granted the zoning considerations, and I got the license.  As a result I have been able to purchase supplies at a considerable less expense, been able to make the dress, and have had people express interest in learning heirloom sewing...something that I would love to teach and hope to do.

As I make each dress, article of clothing, or quilt I have lots of time to contemplate life in a more philosophical way...I am surrounded with memories of my Grandmother Roskelley and my Mom teaching me to sew, crochet, embroider and do the things that I have grown to love.  How wonderful it is to have the time to reflect on them and the wonderful influences they have been in my life.  With each stitch that I take I have the opportunity to consider our Heavenly Father's great and wonderful plan, how we fit in the grand scheme of things and contemplate the greatness of the new little spirit that we are being entrusted with.  I am eager to meet each of them, to learn of and from them, and excited to see the tapestry of our lives become even more colorful, strong, and beautiful because they were true and faithful in their first estate.  I often wonder what my relationship with them was in our heavenly home, what ties are there that have bonded us and will bind us throughout the eternities?

After just a few weeks at home I flew out to Denver so that I could be with Desi and her little famly and Ruby.  When I consider that I had reservations but, because Ruby decided to come early, I needed to purchase new ones, and that we were able to find the new reservations at basically the same cost as the ones we had purchased weeks earlier - that was indeed a tender mercy.  I was able to spend two weeks with our little Rogers family and am so grateful that I could share that time with them.  I must say that I didn't really do much to help, as always seems to be the case, but I loved being there and I am grateful for the opportunity.  It seems to me that these events are precious in so many ways  - but one that I am most conscious of right now is the opportunity to see a moment in time in the lives of those I so love.  I almost feel like I'm a peeping tom or something!  But seriously, how sweet is it to be able to know what are the kids' favorite stories or movies, what they like to eat, their friends, their routines, their humor, their lives?

In March we again headed north to Ohio to see Joey, Carlie and the kids.  Joey was preparing to leave that week for 6+ months in Iraq.  We didn't want to intrude on the last couple of days that he would have with them but we did want to be able so say good bye.  I have no words to describe the depth of my emotions or thoughts about him and his little family.  I wonder if, in our next life, we will be hampered by such inability.  There just aren't words.   I pray for his safety and for the safety of his family.  I pray that each of us, in our family, has him and them in their prayers, daily.  I pray for his safe return.  For some reason I feel much more apprehensive than when he has been deployed before...probably because it is for a longer time that he will be away...it isn't dread...just anxiety.  Perhaps I am becoming more aware of all the things that could go wrong or maybe I'm just getting old.  LOL  Anyway, he is in theater now and I just heard from him yesterday.  He is "keeping his head down" in light of the increased threat due to Osama bin Laden's assassination.  So far so good - and only 22+ weeks to go!  If those aren't tender mercies I don't know what they are!!!!

In March Dad developed a series of serious infections that required hospitalization, and finally surgery to take out his gall bladder.  Both the infections and the anesthesia accelerated his cognitive decline but he was finally discharged and spent a few weeks at St. Joseph's Villa for recouperation and therapy.  We were scheduled to head out to Utah anyway because of Felicia's graduation but Rich and I talked and decided on another course of action.  We drove out to Desi and Mike's (via Midwest City to see Cherstin, Dan and the kids) for the blessing of Ruby and then Rich flew back to Tennessee and Felicia and I drove back to Utah.  Rich joined me 10 days later so that we could be there for Felicia's graduation and then we drove home.

Over the weeks that I was there with Dad he would lament that he didn't know why the Lord wouldn't just let him go...that perhaps the Lord didn't want him.  I have thought about that so many times...why has the Lord allowed him to stay?  I have told Dad that I think it is because of the Lord's tender mercies that he is still with us.  Unfortunately I think Dad is having to endure the trials of eternity so that we, his children, might have the opportunity to have him in our midst longer and so that we might learn some of the special things that we still need to learn.

My brothers orchestrated their lives, family responsibilites, and business and church callings around the needs of Dad while he was in the hospital and at St. Joseph's.  Each spent hours with Dad so that he wasn't alone.  Because they did this they have precious memories that will forever be with them.  Because they did this they learned so much about Dad and his life and legacy for us.

One day Chad and I were talking and Chad shared some of the things that Dad had been telling him.  Being the oldest, I knew what I hadn't realized Chad didn't.  It is an interesting thing to realize that because I am the oldest I have memories that my brothers don't...but because I left home and they were still there they have memories that I don't.  Together we are able to make some semblence of the pieces and patterns of Dad's life.  If I had one piece of counsel to give it would be to keep a record of our lives, daily.  So often I have started, and stopped, started, and stopped.  I wish I hadn't ever stopped.  You think you'll always remember - but memories fade, events are forgotten, and our lives end up with huge holes in them.  What may seem mundane is not.  What may seem inconsequential is not.  In fact, what does it say about the value we place on the lives of those we love and even ourselves if we will not choose to document them by simply recording the events of our lives, the things with which we occupy our time, our humor, our thoughts, our struggles, our very existence?

As my brothers and I work together to provide the care we know Dad needs I have high hopes that the unity that has eluded us for so many years will rule the day.  I can see it coming.  Perhaps one of the reasons that the Lord hasn't taken Dad yet is so that we may become one, knit together in unity and love, both for him and for each other.

When we were at Desi and Mike's for Ruby's blessing we had the opportunity of spending time with Mike's parents, John and Kathryn, and Dan's parents, Dave and Karen.  Again, is it not just one of the most wonderful of tender mercies to be able to get to know and love the parents of the child who loves your child?  Isn't it just so tender and special to know that they love your child too?  And you love theirs?  Could there be anything more wonderful?  I don't think so...it just gives you a moment to pause and reflect on the truth that we really are all brothers and sisters of our Heavenly Father's family.

As we talked with John and Kathryn about their mission I had the best time learning about genealogy and family history and what needs to be done.  Kathryn shared a thought that has reverberated with me.  She noted that we are "bridge generation" - our ancestors only knew paper, pen and pencil on which to record the events of their lives.  Our children's generation use the computer and tech devices for everything they do.  Our generation is the one that uses both and can and must move the records from one type of repository to another.  We're kind of like Moroni - the abridger - when you think of it.  Hopefully we will preserve and care for the original documents of our ancestory but it is equally, but maybe even more important, for us to get these things into a state so that they can be shared and prepared for the things to come.

I thought about that conversation over and over again as I went through files and boxes at Dad's.  I decided that I would take, as much as I could, home with me so that I could begin to do this very important work.  The ironic thing is that I am practically the least technological person on the planet!!!  LOL  But I am hopeful about learning and doing this important work.  And I know that I need to do as much as I can while I still have Dad with me...he and his generation are leaving us.  So much of what needs to be done is the preservation of photos and the weeding through of duplication to find the holes that need to be filled.  I can do this!

Returning home via Denver and Midwest City we again got to see our beloved families there, even though there were just a few hours at Cherstin's.  We were glad though, that we left when we did.  We drove through the night and had tornado warnings all about us.  The skies were swirling and black, with pelting rain and hail for most of the way.  That night and the next day and night (a 24 hour period) was the worst outbreak of tornados in the history of the U.S.  A swath from Texas, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Alabama, Tennessee, Georgia, South and North Carolia has been mowed over.  So far that are over 350 lives lost, many hundreds more still unaccounted for, untold millions, even billions, in damage...and yet we are safe.   We are safe.  Just one more of the the countless tender mercies of our Heavenly Father in our lives.  We are so grateful.

Today I am making preparations to return to Wisconsin and to Midwest City for the births and blessings of our little Hyrums later this month and in June.  With Wanda due the 20th and Cherstin due the 29th there is a lot of excitement.  I find my daughters love, compassion, and support of one another so pure and unselfish...it brings tears to my eyes.  Wanda recently called me and expressed surprise that I was still coming to be with her.  I had been talking to Hannah and told her that I would bring a pattern that she wanted with me when I came.  Hannah had been surprised and I know that she had anticipated that she would be there to help Wanda because I would be needed at Cherstin's.  Evidently she told Wanda and so Wanda called me...and she wanted me to know that although I was welcome, she would certainly understand that Cherstin might actually have the greater need because she has young children and not the ward support or family that she does.  In contrast, Desi and Cherstin are aware of the tremendous need that Wanda and Hannah might have so they have devised a plan for Desi to go to Cherstin's and help her and the children so that I am free to go to Wisconsin.  I tell you, I stand in the presence of Angels!  I am in awe of their perfect love and support.  Thank you for being the kinds of daughters I could only dare hope to have.  I love each one of you (Wanda, Hannah, Desi, Cherstin, Carlie, and Felicia) so much and wish you each a very happy mother's day.  Blessings!  Blessings!!!!
    

A Legacy

I've been thinking about legacies lately, a lot.  I don't know if it is because of the things I have been doing recently, because of conference, because of the events that are taking place, or that I am just getting older...but nevertheless I have been thinking and pondering the legacies in my own life and whether or not I will leave a legacy.

When Wanda was just born I remember Rich being so very excited about her.  He wasn't allowed into my room when she was there, archaic hospital rules, so when he came to visit he could only see her through the nursery window.  However, one day the nursery nurses hadn't picked her up and she was still there when visiting hours started and he came in.  She had just finished "filling" her pants and I was about to change her but Rich was so eager to hold her and to touch her that he excitedly changed her diaper.  I sat there thinking about how different this was than what he had said he would do when she was still in utero...he had flat out said he wouldn't change diapers!  But there he was...gently caring for his little baby girl.  As he finished he swaddled her and gently lifted her into his arms and looked down into her little face and, in wonder and awe, he proclaimed that he was now someone's ancestor.  It was such a tender moment, a tender mercy really, that was to be played out another five times in our lives.  How grateful I am for him and for each of the children that our Heavenly Father has blessed us.

As I was driving Dad back from Church on Sunday he pointed out a row of apartments and commented that a little four-year-old girl had been murdered in one of them.  We both lamented the tragedy and senselessness of such a despicable act.  How sad it is that precious child's life had been snuffed out instead of being cherished.  I couldn't help but wonder why - what had driven someone to do that - was there such lack of self discipline, so low a regard for life, were there no support systems in place - why?

For the past few months I have been working on Ruby's blessing dress.  Hundreds of hours and dollars - but mostly love and excitement - went into making her little dress.   Rich and I have tried to provide a blessing outfit for each of our grandchildren - as it has been something that we have wanted to do, except where other grandparents or great-grandparents have wanted that opportunity too.   Six years ago I decided to try my hand at heirloom sewing and creating the little dresses.  I'm afraid my early attempts were made with quite a bit of fear and intrepidation.  Today I am still learning and my efforts are still made with some fear and intrepidation as I reflect on what their momma's would desire and wanting the dress be a symbol that reflects our love for our little granddaughter with each stitch I take.  I have only attempted once to do a little boy's outfit, that Adam wore, and I doubt that I will do too many of them as I find myself more frustrated than reflective...trying to find a balace of baby and masculinity...not easy....  I have made a dress for Ruth, Abby, Ellie, Reah, and now little Ruby - half of our precious granddaughters.  Wish I had had the courage to try them with Bekah, Rachel, Mary, Glory and Scarlett.  When Emily was born Desi thought she would spare me the worry and purchased a beautiful little dress.

When I arrived at the chapel on Sunday, April 10, 2011 for Ruby's blessing, I carried her dress so that Desi could get her ready for the blessing at the Church instead of trying to buckle her in her carseat with it on.  Emily came sauntering in from the other side of the chapel and with a huge smile she said, "Ahhhh...I see you have your beautiful wedding dress!"  I chuckled...as if I could fit such a tiny thing!!!  But as I have thought about the privilege that we have had at being at so many of our grandchildren's blessings (we've been able to make it to all except Glory and Scarlett's in England) I hoped that we would also have the privilege at being in attendance at their weddings in the temple.  It is my prayer that each of my grandchildren will choose to marry the right person, in the right place (the temple), at the right time...and I pray that they will make choices throughout their lives that will take them there.  I also pray that their moms and dads will carefully teach them, love them, nurture them, and cherish them as the precious gifts of our Heavenly Father.  When I think about the tremendous  faith He has in us, to help His little ones that He has entrusted in our care, I am in awe.  It is such a humbling experience to be a parent to these perfect little ones.  

When I was about four-years- old I remember sitting in our living room and being filled with love for my parents and brothers.  It was a perfect love.  It filled my soul and I knew that what my parents were teaching about my Heavenly Father was true...in fact...I knew that the love I had for my family, and really everyone, was because we are His children.  It was His love and I could feel it all around me - and through me.  It consumed me.  It brought me peace, joy, and  great comfort.  I have thought so often of that day...the legacy it has been in my life.  So often I have hearkened back to it and remembered  those exquisite feelings, and known that our Heavenly Father loves me and every one of my brothers and sisters.  What a wonderful thing it would be if we could all, each and every one of us, know that we are in deed our Heavenly Father's and Heavenly Mother's children.  How would it change us?  I think of that and feel that it would have to make a difference to know it...but I am saddened to realize that Satan and those who chose to follow him in our pre-earth life knew that but it made no difference.  Why?  Obviously we all have agency...but why would you not choose our Father in Heaven?  Why would someone choose Satan?  The scriptures say that Cain loved Satan more than Heavenly Father, therefore he followed him.  But what could entice someone to love Satan more than Heavenly Father?  I just don't get it....  But in a way I do...every time I choose to disobey one of Heavenly Father's commandments I am choosing Satan...and usually I am persuaded to do that because of my own pride and my desire to escape the consequences...ohhhh such foolishness!!!

Ruby was blessed by her father, Michael John Rogers in the Westminster Ward, of the Wesminster Colorado Stake.  Both of her grandfathers - John Rogers and Richard Bainbridge, Chris Reed, Tavita, Halitakoa, Corey Grip, John Burton, Rob Larsen, Bret Bowen, and Bishop Burton were in the circle of priesthood holders as she received her name and blessing.  She was given the name Ruby Marie Rogers and blessed with a happy and joyful mortality, with a family that would loved her.  She was blessed to develop a great love and testimony of the Savior, Jesus Christ, with righteous desires.  She was blessed to be a great joy to her family and to have opportunities to serve others.  She was blessed with a healthy and strong body, marriage in the temple, and all other blessing that her Heavenly Father would bless her.  She was also blessed to be a light of example to all she meets.  It was a beautiful blessing by a loving father, for and in behalf of her loving Heavenly Father - what a wonderful blessing and legacy.

During the Fast and Testimony Meeting I sat on the back row with Rich and with Karen and Dave Hamblin (Cherstin's inlaws) who had driven up to be there for the blessing.  They have become a third set of grandparents to Emily, Mordecai, and Ruby.  Just another tender mercy that the Lord provides us as a result of the gospel. 

While I sat in the meeting I had a powerful and tender experience as I felt that my mother and grandmother, and even others, were in attendance too.  So often I think of my Mom with great love and admiration, but also with a deep sadness and remorse...but I felt enveloped with love and joy as I felt her presence.  A special tender mercy with feelings too precious and sacred for words.  It only makes sense that they would be there for this special day...after all...she is theirs too.

The 10th of April is also the 46th birthday of my youngest brother, Chad Ian Pehrson.  I remember so clearly the day he was born.  I was 12 years old and practicing with a Primary Choir that was to sing at Stake Conference, when my father walked into the building and motioned for me to come down from the stand.  He told me mom had gone to the hospital and I needed to go with him.  I don't remember just where my other brothers were.  We left and went up to a restaurant near the hospital.  Dad told me I could order what I wanted and I ordered an ice cream soda...had never had one before but I thought this was pretty neat.  Soon we were joined by another priesthood holder, I believe it was Floris Copier, but maybe not, so that they could go to the hospital and give Mom and the baby a blessing. 

Chad was born at 9 lb...but was placed in an incubator.  Mom was Rh- and these were the days before Rhogam.  The very fact that Mom had six of us is astounding really.  However, the situation for Chad was serious.  His belirubin count was seriously high.  Ultimately he had to have his blood exchanged twice to bring those levels down.  At one point it appeared that he would be very lucky to escape brain damage...and we used to tease Chad that was what was wrong with him!  It seemed that for weeks, even when they finally released him from the hospital, he was as yellow as mustard.  Luckily all worked out and we were so grateful.  Dad would later tease him that when they had exchanged his blood they had not put human blood back in but instead had used donkey blood - and his affectionate knick-name for him was "the donkey".

One of my favorite memories of him was when he was about 15 months old.  My Dad had already moved to Germany with Derk and Mom was trying to get us packed, the house emptied and rented, and get us to Germany.  Grandma was living up in Holliday and we were staying with her.  Mom would go over to the house and work all day long, often taking the rest of us with her, except for Chad, leaving him with Grandma.  One day Mom and the rest of us had been gone all day long and Grandma had had Chad.  Chad would just go from one thing to another, getting in to things.  Grandma would just get one of his messes cleaned up and he would have gone on to another 2-3 by then.  When she tried to catch him Chad reacted like it was a game of "tag" and would just run faster and faster.  The house had a circular floor pattern and he could outrun her easily.   By the time we came home Grandma was in tears.  She was tired, frazzled, and completely overwhelmed by one little "hellion."

Another of my memories was that he would eat dirt clods.  The dr. had told Mom that is was probably because he was anemic but that he would outgrow it.  However, when we got to Germany the houses that we lived in had lathe and plaster walls.  Every wall that Chad's crib was next to had huge holes in it as he would scratch and dig at the wall to eat the plaster!  By the time we moved from the house in Spesback he had eaten a 2'X2" hole!

Chad was a very sensitive child by nature.  When we would go to a movie or watch TV he would often sense a scene coming and he would say, "I don't think this is good for me to see" and he would get up and leave for a little bit, but often he wouldn't return until he had queried whether or not it was "safe" to come back.  LOL 

When he was just three we moved from Augsburg to Kaiserslautern.  One day Mom had gone to R.S. (this was when R.S. was held during the day, in the middle of the week) and taken Chad with her.  As she was sitting in the meeting she heard a melodic little voice singing, "Mom, come and wipe me!"   Chad was pretty much potty-trained but she required that she or someone else take care of that final step - and he was complying!  Chad wasn't embarrassed - but Mom was feeling the heat.

Chad loved music, often singing at the top of his lungs.  When he was in Primary, the children were being taught a song that had "Hosanna" in the chorus.  As the chorister taught that chorus she would have the children sing it over and over and over again.  Our family had a wonderful family, the Swanders, that we did lots of things with and Jerry was Dad's counselor in the bishopric and Zana was a great friend to Mom.  When we got home from Church Chad was quite indignant that he'd had to sing a song about Zana all day long.  He wanted to know when they were going to sing a song with "O-Chad!" in it.  LOL

This gift of music came naturally to Chad.  He learned to play the piano and took up the Bass Violin, playing in the orchestra at school when our family returned stateside.  He also found sports came very easily and loved baseball and football especially.  He gave up the music in order to play ball.  Sad, but true.  He also has a natural artistic ability, loves to paint, do stained-glass work, etching, and draw. 

One of my favorite memories of all time was when Mom was so sick.  She had a terrible C-Diff infection that was just causing her such distress.  In fact, it is one of the things that haunts me so - I wish I had realized how sick, how near death she was - I digress, but one night she was "sicker than a dog."  The diahrea from the infection was uncontrollable and reeked.  Chad "happened" to come by and Mom was so glad to see him.  As they were visiting suddenly Mom knew she needed to get to the bathroom but she was so weak and in pain and her feet were wrapped and put in contraptions that made it impossible to walk.  Chad moved as quickly as possible to help her but by then it was too late and Mom was in trouble.  By the time we got Mom to the bathroom Mom had lost everything and the diarhea was everywhere.  Mom was mortified but too weak to help herself.  The smell was awful and I was struggling to find a way to help Mom without losing my dinner.  But Chad, with a deftness, compassion, and strength that we needed, helped me get her bathed and dressed, all the while assuring Mom that it was no problem and that it was about time that he paid her back for all that he had put her through.  Mom just kept apologizing and felt so awful to have to have her children help her like that.  But Chad just wouldn't let her go that route.  It was an extremely tender scene and I have often reflected on it and been grateful that he just "happened" to be there, and that when he was he was so supportive and kind.  He is truly a hero to me.

Chad has worked very hard to establish his own business, has his pilot's license, and now has a wonderful wife, Ronnie, and three beautiful children, Brandt, Taylor, and Chase.  Heb, I'm so proud of you and I love you.  Happy Birthday!