Grandma Roskelley

When I was visiting Dad earlier this month I tried to go through some of the "stuff" that drives him crazy and that I worry about because often in between unimportant things VERY important things are nestled. You have to go through each piece of paper because you never know what you will find.

Well, I did find something that I found absolutely stunning...it was the adoption decree from a judge in the state of Montana granting the adoption of my grandmother, Wanda Bingham Roskelley to James Howell Hendricks! I had known that my grandmother loved this man, that she felt like he really loved her and cared about her as his daughter. I had known that he had married my great grandmother in Montana and that Grandma had stood with them during the ceremony, holding his hand, and she felt like she had married him too. I had known that he had been the one to pay for Grandma to go to Valparaiso, Indiana to boarding school and that she had absolutely loved that experience. I had known that he had talked to my great-great grandmother about adopting her and that she had felt that it was inappropriate because there was no tie to her once her mother had divorced him. I had known that adoption was something that she would have wanted, but I didn't know that it had actually occurred. I brought the decree home and placed it in my file with the intention of scanning it and other important papers and photos so that each of our families might have copies.

Well, on Friday of last week I decided that it was time to clean out the garage. We have been here for a year and while it has been an event filled year - I want to finally be settled. I still have things to do and boxes to unpack and pictures to hang, etc. but I really am feeling the desire to make this house a home. It is time to get all the boxes gone!

As I opened box after box, putting some things away, putting other things in a give away box, stacking things I don't know what to do with at the moment, finding things that I once knew we had but had forgotten, and gathering a huge pile of things that need to be organized at a later time I came across a navy blue paper Book of Remembrance with my Grandmother's writing on it. It has her handwriting on the front but to my knowledge I have NEVER seen this before. When I opened it I was amazed to find she had started tracing the genealogical lines of James Howell Hendricks and even had a family group sheet with her as the adopted child of James Howell Hendricks and Julia Abigail Smith Bingham. Again, I was STUNNED!

Chills come so easily as I consider the feelings that accompany these two events - I cannot dismiss them. They are miracles to me - not any less earth shattering as the parting of the Red Sea. The implications of these finds and their full ramification are not known to me at this time. I am still trying to grapple with what I know and what it means - and trying to determine what should be done with this information. I did a quick Family Search scan to determine if any ordinance work had been done - and after just a cursory look I cannot find any.

Perhaps the thing that is so troubling to me is having some idea of how my Grandmother felt, especially in her last years. During much of my life she didn't talk too much about her feelings about her life and especially as a child. But, as her life drew to a close she became a bit more open and expressed a little of her feelings of abandonment and lack of love from her biological father, Parley Pratt Bingham, Jr. and her mother. She had written several autobiographies or life histories and when you read them you can understand why she did feel that way. However, in all the genealogy that she ever did, and I have the original Book of Remembrance that she made for me when I was a baby, she never had anything about James Howell Hendricks. She used the biological lines exclusively. I guess that is why I didn't believe that the adoption had actually happened. I do remember my mother often wondering where my Grandmother's original Book of Remembrance was because she believed that there would be things in there that weren't part of the records that she had given us...but she (Mom) also believed that Grandma had taken her book apart to make copies for each of her children so that they could have a record too, and she felt that it had never been reassembled.

So, what is to be done at this point? In light of the knowledge that the adoption did occur and how much Grandma loved him, do we drop the Bingham line? This doesn't feel right - while I know that Grandma felt abandoned and unloved by her father it doesn't mean that was the case. His life was further complicated by the fact that he had remarried and had children by that marriage - in fact - those children became beloved brother and sisters to my Grandma. I also know that my great-great grandfather Bingham always tried to maintain family ties with Grandma, just as I would do if something like this had happened in the life of one of my grandchildren.

Do we just add the James Howell Hendricks line as a collateral line? Somehow that doesn't feel right either. Great-grandpa Hendricks went out of his way to formally adopt Grandma when her mother passed away and she had no parents to speak of. Grandma's mother had divorced great-grandpa Hendricks when Grandma was eleven. Her mother died when Grandma was 15 and great-grandpa Hendricks cared enough about Grandma to pursue the adoption of her at that time, with it being completed when she is 16. I don't know what her relationship was with her biological father at this time - and the court was satisfied that he had abandoned her when the adoption was made - but perhaps that was just legalese and great-grandpa Bingham knew that by giving up his parental rights Grandma could have a home where she felt loved and wanted - and while he may well have loved and wanted her - he may have known that she would never "feel" that way about him or the home he could provide for her. I also know that Grandma's association and love for great-grandpa Hendricks spanned a lifetime. It wasn't until I found the Book of Remembrance that I was able to piece together the ties that bind. During the depression Grandma and Grandpa went to Washington to live - they lived in the same area as great-grandpa Hendricks - and in fact - he passed away shortly after my mother was born. Obviously Grandma felt the safety and love of a parent. The records that I have don't specifically state it - but I wonder if Grandma had gone there after her divorce from Grandpa after Jack was born. And then, Granpa went there to effect a reconcilliation - which actually did happen and they were remarried and had Gale and Mom and eventually Vance before divorcing a final time.

What would the Lord have us do, considering the two miracles that just occurred? If, indeed they are miracles as I feel they are, wouldn't that indicate that the work needs to be done? I doubt there would be any difficulty in doing the work in light of the adoption. I am so glad that the Lord gets to straighten this all out in the eternities! For now, I guess I will just put one foot in front of the other and pray that the Spirit will direct me to know what to do. And right at this moment I am so humbled and awed that a man who had no responsibility at all would rescue my Grandmother, love her, and care for her. That he would recognize that he had the power to help her and give her the stability she so needed and then act on it - even in the face of opposition from well intentioned family and others who might deem it unseemly - is a true testament of the kind of man he was. It would seem that Grandma was a great judge of character because she loved him too.

It's a Journey

On Monday I went to see my primary care physician. Can I just say that I think she is great!?! Anyway - I was down another 30+# and she was thrilled about that, as am I. And my blood pressure was absolutely perfect and so I am now off all blood pressure meds - a pretty wonderful non-scale victory! I am walking better and better all the time - but the knees and legs are still shot and going to require replacements in the future. At the moment the plan is to fight my way through the pain with hydrocodone and get at least another 75# off and re-evaluate. She also said that she thought that there was a good possibility that that could be my goal weight due to my height and bone structure. I have real mixed feelings about that. I would love to be "done" with this phase and on to the maintenance part but there is another part of me that doesn't want to stop there - I really do have a goal to become my best self and I don't think that is 75# away - but more like 125# away. However, I haven't seen that number in 35 years - so maybe I will be happy with it....

So tomorrow I go see my ortho dr. to discuss getting more synvisc injections. I hope he is as pleased with the weight loss as is Dr. May (so far I have lost 312# of pressure on my knees and that is pretty spectacular) - but I know his concern is to get me to the place that I can have the surgery and fully recover and regain strength, flexibility, range of motion, and full use. That will have to be a future thing - not there yet.

Did see my podiatrist last week and he was very pleased and at one time regaining full use of my replaced toe looked doubtful - but if I keep up the water aerobics and working it I may be able to break down the scar tissue and fully recover. I would like to give it another 6 months to see if I can do that before I decide which course of action to take with my other toe - a complete joint replacement or fusing...right now I would like to believe I can have the replacement - we'll see.

Rich's health continues to improve and maintain - lung functions are stable, cholesterol is down, weight is down, off all diabetes meds, no oxygen, and no A-fib. He is having some discomfort/pain in his upper left side of his abdomen and Dr. May had him have a CT scan this morning because there was blood in his urine. The blood in his urine has been a problem off and on for a few years and every investigation has determined that there was/is nothing to worry about. This is the first time that there has been pain - Dr. May wants to make sure that the kidney is fine and that there are no stones. If the CT scan is clear then he'll probably head back to the gastro dr. for another colonoscopy - it has been 18 months or so since the last one so he's not really due one - but with his mom passing away from colon cancer it is something to rule out. All in all I feel much better about his health now than last year! LOL duh?!?!

Dad and Alzheimers

I thought I would take a moment this morning, it has been way too long since I have done this, and write a couple of things that have been going on.

A few weeks ago my Dad had been having some health problems and so Mike and Dad went to see Dr. Lundsberg who prescribed him with a new antibiotic. About the same time that the antibiotic was prescribed Dad also had some difficulty taking some of his meds. Whether he took more than he should have, didn't take them, etc. I am not really sure....but I digress. Brian, my nephew, and his wife have moved in to stay with Dad and help him with some of the things that we, as a family are concerned about. Brian and Laurie take care of meals, dispensing meds, and help in ways that let Dad have his independence but allow us to feel more certain that he is okay. However, Brian and Laurie were seeing a steady decline in Dad's functioning. Dad was falling and having other difficulties which alarmed them and they called Mike when they found Dad on the floor and unresponsive one morning.

Mike quickly came in and decided that he needed to get Dad to the Dr. Dr. Lundsberg examined Dad but felt it was better for Mike to take him to the emergency room because he was exhibiting signs of a possible stroke. So, after Mike had taken him there, Mike called me to alert me to what was happening. They spent the entire rest of the day and into the evening assessing Dad and his situation - did EEG, CT scan, EKG, blood work, etc. and finally admitted Dad. It was determined that he had not had a stroke although he was having neurological problems, hallucinating, and definitely not responding well. The E.R. docs told them that they thought it was probably medications that were responsible for the problems that they were seeing.

Slowly, over the next few days, Dad got better enough to be released. But the dr. there said that she believed that he had Alzheimers and made an appointment for them to see an Alzheimers specialist. I told Mike that I would like to be there for that appointment and so I made arrangements to fly out.

Unfortunately, due to other constraints, I only had 5 days there. However, I am very grateful for those 5 days. The Alzheimers specialist ran a battery of tests on Dad, met with Mike and I for a personal assessment, reviewed the results from the hospital workup, and talked extensively with Dad before making a final diagnosis of Alzheimers at a moderate to moderately severe level. He prescribed him a new Alzheimers med and will meet with him in about 3 months to assess how the med is working.

Perhaps the most illuminating thing to come out of the visit was the fact that Dad seemed to feel much better and more relaxed. The dr. told him about the disease, what to expect, that we'd made some good decisions already in trying to help assure his safety while at the same time trying to maintain as much of his independence as possible, and what could be done to try and help treat it. Dad was asked how long he felt he'd been having these kinds of difficulty and he told them probably over the last 7 or 8 years. I was stunned by that response. Dad and I have talked about Alzheimers, memory loss, and he has reached out when he has become lost or couldn't remember something. However, without an actual diagnosis, I never felt like I could definitively say what was happening nor did I know how to address his concerns other than to say he needed to talk to a dr and find out what was happening. When he said that he had been realizing it for that long I felt so sad - how alone he must has felt all these years - he'd laugh and tell us about some of the silly things he had done, joke about it, voice frustration about not being able to remember something or getting lost, which was his plea for help. He must have felt a great sense of relief that it was finally out in the open and his concerns were being taken seriously. It wasn't that we didn't take them seriously before - we tried our best to make decisions that have his best interests at heart...but we always talked around "it" instead of hitting "it" head on. I don't know how that might have changed things but I do think it may have relieved some of the anxiety he has been feeling for a long time.

Another great thing that came from the meeting was they gave us a lot of info about how to care for someone with the disease. How to communicate with them, how to address some of the difficulties that will become increasingly troublesome, and things that we need to consider in the long term. I have had them emailed to each of us kids and have suggested that we email them to our children so that they will know how best to relate to Dad, especially now.

Shortly after Mom died I remember wondering if Dad could be having these problems. I discussed it with the guys but they thought I was being overly dramatic and over the top. They believed it was a lot of the stress from Mom's extended illness and from losing her, age related, just his idiosyncrasies, or even a plea for attention. How I wish I had just bulldozed my way through and gotten a good assessment done before I had returned home...but it was easier to believe that it was some of the other things than to face this too. Perhaps it was easier to see because I lived so far away or because when I came there I was actually staying with him rather than being there only a few hours and then leaving. I don't know...I just feel badly that I didn't act sooner. Now, looking back, I can see there were telltale signs well before Mom's passing. In some ways their relationship was so symbiotic that I wonder if Mom knew.

The summer that Mom died I had gotten after her to be more patient with Dad because he was doing so much for her. I felt like she was a little ungrateful and because of how badly she hurt she didn't recognize how much he was doing. Hindsight truly is 20/20 because now I believe I would have realized how his difficulties were impacting her more and I would have and should have been more sympathetic to both of them - should have stepped in and provided more of the support and care than I did. I failed them both. Hopefully she will be able to forgive me and, having learned at her expense, I will have the wisdom of Solomon to help me and my brothers help Dad.

I can see the toll the worry is taking on Mike. I think I will be heading out there several times a year for an extended visit to provide some relief for he and his family. Derk and Julia are the salt of the earth and just have a special way of diffusing whatever seems to be causing Dad discomfort. They just keep constantly serving him and he so appreciates them and how they make him feel. Lexie and Brad are also providing that constant care...cleaning bathrooms, changing sheets, doing laundry...whatever it takes to help and he is so grateful to them for that because they just seem to know he can't do it for himself anymore. Chad and Ronnie are there too - I think they make Dad feel young and of value - they often include him in watching a game that Chase is playing in or some other activity and it helps him feel connected. Jim and Maria are in regular contact - but with them living so far away and with their lives so full it is hard to be of direct help. I understand that - I find my long distance relationship wholly inadequate to provide any real help to the people there or to Dad. Hopefully my travel out there will help out on the margins...and if it becomes a viable opportunity I would sure love Dad to come here...but I worry so much about what that would do, not only to Dad, but to the rest of the family as well.

I got a call two days ago from Dad. He wants Derk and Julia to be able to go to Europe. He feels badly that Julia is the only one that hasn't been there. Dad was trying to find his old passports or his birth certificate. I had uncovered them while I was out there. This isn't a convenient time for Julia to just pick up and go but I hope they will actually find a way to be able to do that. Spring would be a much better time to go...rather than late fall or winter. Secretly I think Dad is remembering lots of those times and wanting to visit and share them before he loses those memories too. I don't know how long he has before that happens...and I don't know how well he would manage...but it is on his mind now and that is what matters.

Deanna Johnson, a dear friend from El Centro, learned first hand how hard it is to live with regrets. She shared with me some of her experience and wisdom when we lived there and I have never forgotten it. I have not always acted on it to the best of my ability - but I have never forgotten it. I can't change the past but I can act today. Tomorrow today will take its place in the past...and over time I will be able to soften my hard edges, my harsher judgements, and intemperateness...because I have acted and lived today so that I will not have regrets.... Hopefully I will do that each and every day. I pray for the wisdom, courage, patience, kindness, understanding, and energy to do so in every facet of my life.