Dad and Alzheimers

I thought I would take a moment this morning, it has been way too long since I have done this, and write a couple of things that have been going on.

A few weeks ago my Dad had been having some health problems and so Mike and Dad went to see Dr. Lundsberg who prescribed him with a new antibiotic. About the same time that the antibiotic was prescribed Dad also had some difficulty taking some of his meds. Whether he took more than he should have, didn't take them, etc. I am not really sure....but I digress. Brian, my nephew, and his wife have moved in to stay with Dad and help him with some of the things that we, as a family are concerned about. Brian and Laurie take care of meals, dispensing meds, and help in ways that let Dad have his independence but allow us to feel more certain that he is okay. However, Brian and Laurie were seeing a steady decline in Dad's functioning. Dad was falling and having other difficulties which alarmed them and they called Mike when they found Dad on the floor and unresponsive one morning.

Mike quickly came in and decided that he needed to get Dad to the Dr. Dr. Lundsberg examined Dad but felt it was better for Mike to take him to the emergency room because he was exhibiting signs of a possible stroke. So, after Mike had taken him there, Mike called me to alert me to what was happening. They spent the entire rest of the day and into the evening assessing Dad and his situation - did EEG, CT scan, EKG, blood work, etc. and finally admitted Dad. It was determined that he had not had a stroke although he was having neurological problems, hallucinating, and definitely not responding well. The E.R. docs told them that they thought it was probably medications that were responsible for the problems that they were seeing.

Slowly, over the next few days, Dad got better enough to be released. But the dr. there said that she believed that he had Alzheimers and made an appointment for them to see an Alzheimers specialist. I told Mike that I would like to be there for that appointment and so I made arrangements to fly out.

Unfortunately, due to other constraints, I only had 5 days there. However, I am very grateful for those 5 days. The Alzheimers specialist ran a battery of tests on Dad, met with Mike and I for a personal assessment, reviewed the results from the hospital workup, and talked extensively with Dad before making a final diagnosis of Alzheimers at a moderate to moderately severe level. He prescribed him a new Alzheimers med and will meet with him in about 3 months to assess how the med is working.

Perhaps the most illuminating thing to come out of the visit was the fact that Dad seemed to feel much better and more relaxed. The dr. told him about the disease, what to expect, that we'd made some good decisions already in trying to help assure his safety while at the same time trying to maintain as much of his independence as possible, and what could be done to try and help treat it. Dad was asked how long he felt he'd been having these kinds of difficulty and he told them probably over the last 7 or 8 years. I was stunned by that response. Dad and I have talked about Alzheimers, memory loss, and he has reached out when he has become lost or couldn't remember something. However, without an actual diagnosis, I never felt like I could definitively say what was happening nor did I know how to address his concerns other than to say he needed to talk to a dr and find out what was happening. When he said that he had been realizing it for that long I felt so sad - how alone he must has felt all these years - he'd laugh and tell us about some of the silly things he had done, joke about it, voice frustration about not being able to remember something or getting lost, which was his plea for help. He must have felt a great sense of relief that it was finally out in the open and his concerns were being taken seriously. It wasn't that we didn't take them seriously before - we tried our best to make decisions that have his best interests at heart...but we always talked around "it" instead of hitting "it" head on. I don't know how that might have changed things but I do think it may have relieved some of the anxiety he has been feeling for a long time.

Another great thing that came from the meeting was they gave us a lot of info about how to care for someone with the disease. How to communicate with them, how to address some of the difficulties that will become increasingly troublesome, and things that we need to consider in the long term. I have had them emailed to each of us kids and have suggested that we email them to our children so that they will know how best to relate to Dad, especially now.

Shortly after Mom died I remember wondering if Dad could be having these problems. I discussed it with the guys but they thought I was being overly dramatic and over the top. They believed it was a lot of the stress from Mom's extended illness and from losing her, age related, just his idiosyncrasies, or even a plea for attention. How I wish I had just bulldozed my way through and gotten a good assessment done before I had returned home...but it was easier to believe that it was some of the other things than to face this too. Perhaps it was easier to see because I lived so far away or because when I came there I was actually staying with him rather than being there only a few hours and then leaving. I don't know...I just feel badly that I didn't act sooner. Now, looking back, I can see there were telltale signs well before Mom's passing. In some ways their relationship was so symbiotic that I wonder if Mom knew.

The summer that Mom died I had gotten after her to be more patient with Dad because he was doing so much for her. I felt like she was a little ungrateful and because of how badly she hurt she didn't recognize how much he was doing. Hindsight truly is 20/20 because now I believe I would have realized how his difficulties were impacting her more and I would have and should have been more sympathetic to both of them - should have stepped in and provided more of the support and care than I did. I failed them both. Hopefully she will be able to forgive me and, having learned at her expense, I will have the wisdom of Solomon to help me and my brothers help Dad.

I can see the toll the worry is taking on Mike. I think I will be heading out there several times a year for an extended visit to provide some relief for he and his family. Derk and Julia are the salt of the earth and just have a special way of diffusing whatever seems to be causing Dad discomfort. They just keep constantly serving him and he so appreciates them and how they make him feel. Lexie and Brad are also providing that constant care...cleaning bathrooms, changing sheets, doing laundry...whatever it takes to help and he is so grateful to them for that because they just seem to know he can't do it for himself anymore. Chad and Ronnie are there too - I think they make Dad feel young and of value - they often include him in watching a game that Chase is playing in or some other activity and it helps him feel connected. Jim and Maria are in regular contact - but with them living so far away and with their lives so full it is hard to be of direct help. I understand that - I find my long distance relationship wholly inadequate to provide any real help to the people there or to Dad. Hopefully my travel out there will help out on the margins...and if it becomes a viable opportunity I would sure love Dad to come here...but I worry so much about what that would do, not only to Dad, but to the rest of the family as well.

I got a call two days ago from Dad. He wants Derk and Julia to be able to go to Europe. He feels badly that Julia is the only one that hasn't been there. Dad was trying to find his old passports or his birth certificate. I had uncovered them while I was out there. This isn't a convenient time for Julia to just pick up and go but I hope they will actually find a way to be able to do that. Spring would be a much better time to go...rather than late fall or winter. Secretly I think Dad is remembering lots of those times and wanting to visit and share them before he loses those memories too. I don't know how long he has before that happens...and I don't know how well he would manage...but it is on his mind now and that is what matters.

Deanna Johnson, a dear friend from El Centro, learned first hand how hard it is to live with regrets. She shared with me some of her experience and wisdom when we lived there and I have never forgotten it. I have not always acted on it to the best of my ability - but I have never forgotten it. I can't change the past but I can act today. Tomorrow today will take its place in the past...and over time I will be able to soften my hard edges, my harsher judgements, and intemperateness...because I have acted and lived today so that I will not have regrets.... Hopefully I will do that each and every day. I pray for the wisdom, courage, patience, kindness, understanding, and energy to do so in every facet of my life.