Cataracts

This is really my first attempt at writing since my cataract surgery on the 18th of this month - a week ago tomorrow.  My vision is still difficult, not because of the lens but because of the disparity between the vision in both eyes, although the new lens, cornea, and pressure in my left eye are still healing and not as clear as it will become over the next few weeks.  However, I have a sense that the further I go in time from this event the harder it will be to recall the particulars, or at the very least, the less miraculous it will become, and I don't want that to happen.  So it is my endeavor at this moment to detail these events here.

I was first diagnosed with cataracts back in 2000.  In 2001, on our way to Kentucky, an optomotrist that I saw in Denver noted that they were pretty significant then but they weren't "ripe" yet.  The years passed and every eye exam noted that they were still present.  LOL 

In November 2010 I was playing for the choir in our ward and was noticing that I was having great difficulty in seeing the music.  At first I thought it was just lighting problems at the piano but even at home I was having difficulty.  These problems were acuity related and had come rather suddenly.  I wondered if it was just "hormonal" changes and adopted a wait and see attitude.  By April I knew I could no longer put it off and made an appointment with an optomotrist at the Eye Care Center here in Oak Ridge.  Upon examination he was astounded that my prescription had changed so dramatically - for the better!  He was at a loss to explain the sudden shift but urged me to see my primary care physician because the most likely reason was blood sugar disturbances.  I saw Dr. May and she ran the requisite tests and determined that my blood sugar was just fine.  I reported back to Dr. Kunemen and he monitored my vision over the next few months but things had seemed to stabilize and I was once again "seeing" with new glasses.

In November 2011 we gathered in Wisconsin for a family reunion at the Dells and spent Thanksgiving together as a family.  It was a wonderful time that I will always cherish.  As that week came to an end I drove Rich to the airport in Milwaukee so that he could fly home to Tennessee and I made preparations to travel to Utah so that I could spend Christmas with my Dad and Felicia.  Rich would join me later in the month.  Desi and Mike left a couple of days earlier than I did...in hind sight I probably should have followed them.  When I got into Omaha it was dusk and suddenly the glare of the lights and the darkness of the night left me unable to see signs, distances, and the road.  I called Rich in a panic as physically I had been prepared to drive for several more hours but my vision left me terrified - I couldn't see where I was going!  He, of course, counseled me to find a hotel and continue on in the daylight and that is what I did.

In December he flew in to Salt Lake and I went to pick him up.  It was nearly midnight when his flight arrived.  When he got into the car and I pulled away from the curb and moved into the traffic he became agitated because I was going slowly.  I hadn't realized that was the case...but I was compensating for my lack of vision.  He commanded me to stop and he took over the driving!  LOL

Over the course of 2011 I continued to notice a decline in my vision.  What had once been only a problem in darkness was fast becoming a problem in daylight.  In November (I'm beginning to see a pattern with the Novembers! LOL) I was playing for Sacrament Meeting and, not having a knowledge of what the hymns were beforehand, I looked up at the Hymn Board and turned to the opening hymn and started playing the introduction.  I had barely finished it when the chorister, Mara Petersen, walked over to me and told me that wasn't the correct hymn and gave me the right one.  All through that hymn I realized that I was in trouble...I was having difficulty with seeing the music and I had definitely not seen the correct numbers on the board!  During Sunday School that very day I tracked down Brother Tommy Dahl, an opthamologist in our ward, and asked him questions about cataract surgery and if he was seeing new patients.  He assured me that he would be able to see me and that I would be able to exercise the day after the surgery, except for water aerobics and weight training...that would be a week to 10 days out.  Sister Loosli, in our ward, works at the Eye Center, told me that she would look on Brother Dahl's schedule and see if she could get me in as soon as possible.  A week later I had my first appointment. 

At the appointment my eyes were dilated and history was taken.  As the exam continued Tommy told us that he had suspected that I would have some problems but he was surprised at how bad things really were.  The cataracts were very dense, especially in my left eye.  Compounding the cataracts were the degrees to which my vision was impaired by both far and near-sightedness.  Rich joked that he would just get me a white cane and a tin cup, to which I responded that my vision wasn't that bad and that plenty of other people had worse, to which Tommy responded, "Not in this country!"  Lol  He told me that I was "Big Letter E" blind and not legal to drive.  I was amazed...even astounded.  I had known I was having difficulty but I wasn't prepared to hear that news.  It explained a whole lot about what I was experiencing.  We left his office knowing that finding a surgical date with the holidays fast approaching would be difficult.  I was also reluctant to have it during the holidays because Cherstin and Dan and Joey and Carlie were going to be joining us. 

As it turned out the pre-op exam was scheduled for the 14th of January with surgery to be done on the 18th.  It seemed like a long time away but very close at the same time.  As I prepared for the holidays I found myself more and more frustrated at little things.  Shopping was difficult...lights, the "fog" or "haze" of the cataracts, and general lack of acuity were tiring and I found that I had a feeling of being somewhat disconnected.  More and more I felt unsafe and uncertain about driving, cooking, sewing, reading, or even participating in the games and puzzles that the kids were playing.  I really think I was beginning to understand how Grandma Bainbridge felt, in small measure, as the disconnectedness was disconcerting to say the least.  It is hard to enjoy the moment when you cannot see the moment well.

As the holidays ended and the pre-op exam approached I found myself wondering what I was going to discover once the surgery was done.  Was I going to find that I was even more morbidly obese than I thought?  Would I discover that the makeup that I had been applying all these years was garish and clown-like?  Was my house clean?  Would I discover that the quilts that I had loved making were ugly and my kids wondering what I had been thinking?  What had I been missing and who had I not been seeing?  What if the mistakes I made at the piano keyboard were not vision related but because I just couldn't play well?  What if the problems I was having weren't the cataracts afterall?

At my pre-op appointment measurements were taken of my eye to determine which type of lens might be most advantageous.  I learned that even though I have an astigmatism it isn't very bad...negligible really...and if they were to put in the toric lens that corrects for it, the astigmatism would actually be much worse.  That was pretty good news.  The difficulty that I have with both near and far-sightedness left me with two options - the basic lens that my insurance would pay for but would only correct for near-sightedness - I would need to have glasses for reading and close work.  Or, a lens that was $2200 that would correct for both near and far-sightedness - and I would need TWO of those lenses!  As I weighed those options, Dr. Dahl shared the fact that people who are basically farsighted adjust pretty well to the basic lens because they are used to having to use reading glasses.  That made perfect sense to me.  However, I have worn glasses or contact lenses for 50 years and it has only been the last 10 years that I have needed to have correction for the farsightedness.  In 50 years I have never misplaced my glasses, never lost them...in fact...they are the last thing I take off and the first thing I put on each day...and if truth be told...much of the time it is Rich that takes them off or I find that I have been sleeping with them on.  And, as the problems have advanced I have gotten in the habit of putting them on my head when I have needed to read or do handwork.  Suddenly I realized that I would probably be looking for glasses a lot...how many pairs would it take to equal $2200...$4400?  Over the rest of my life?  I decided to go with the more expensive lens.  I hope that was a good choice!  LOL

My initial exam had shown that I had an increase in interocular pressure, especially in my left eye.  Dr. Dahl had run a scan to determine what it was doing, if anything, to the macula.  It was causing some degree of "flattening" and left untreated would become a problem.  However, he believed that the pressure might be a result of the density of the cataract and that once it was removed, over time, the pressure would return to normal.  He reiterated that in the pre-op appointment and told me that they would be monitoring it over a period of time.  And, the upper respiratory and sinus infection that I had been dealing with since the first of December would not necessarily delay surgery unless I developed a temperature or my mucus changed to green or other colors that indicated infection.  I was elated with that news!  Everything was a go!

The day of surgery Rich gave me a blessing.  I was truly comforted by it.  Even though I really believed that everything would be okay there is such comfort in having those feelings confirmed by the power of the Holy Ghost.  I prayed for Brother Dahl...I knew from our conversations that he would feel some degree of pressure because of our association.  I didn't want him to feel uncertain, worried, anxious, or hesitant in any way.  I knew there were risks that everything might not go as foreseen but those were my risks to take...not his.

I had been expecting that my surgery would go like my Mom's had gone.  By the post-op the next day she was seeing 20/20.  Dr. Dahl had warned me that probably wouldn't be the case for me, that it would take longer as Mom had just been far-sighted.  Even though he had warned me I still thought otherwise!  LOL  He had also told me that I would probably not find my glasses any help in my post operative state, even with the left lens removed.  He was pretty certain that the visual distortion would be severe enough that I would find it preferable to go without glasses. 

As they wheeled me into surgery I was feeling pretty calm.  I certainly felt like I was in good hands.  I didn't anticipate any real difficulty.  Dr. Dahl had warned me that even though they had taken measurements, the fact was that once they got into the eye the cataract could be much deeper, bigger, and denser than the measurements had shown, and that meant that they would have to "dig" a little deeper to get it out.  And that was indeed what happened.  Even though my eye was open the entire time - I so wish I could have seen it - I didn't.  My right eye was draped so that eye couldn't help and all my left eye registered was a very bright light and and very pink center in that light...I would assume that was blood but I don't really know and didn't think to ask.  The surgery is relatively quick - just a 15+ minute procedure really - from start to finish.  At the end of it I realized I could see little holes in the ceiling tiles...I hadn't noticed them before.

Within a half hour or so I was ready to come home.  Rich was there with me to get the post-op instructions and we left.  It felt good to be home...comforting.  I settled onto the couch with my eye shield and drops that had to be put in every two hours and promptly went to sleep.  I dozed off and on all day and slept well that night.  I think I had been more anxious than I wanted to admit because the sleep that night was really restful - unlike the night before.  LOL

The next day we went back for the post-op exam.  Everything looked good as far as placement of the lens, etc.  However, my visual acuity was not good...it wasn't what I had been expecting.  The interocular pressure had risen 10 points and Dr. Dahl prescribed another drop to be added to the regimen to deal with that.  The cornea was cloudy and swelling was leaving me unable to see well.  That has gradually improved as the days have gone on.  I have a follow-up appointment this coming Friday, the 27th and I hope to be able to resume all normal activity and have a date for the other eye.  Until the other eye is done though I will probably continue to experience a degree of nausea now and then and the frequent feeling that I am walking on shifting sand - both are a result of the visual disparity between my two eyes.

After we left the Eye Center we drove to Wal Mart for Rich to get something.  I would have stayed in the car but I had been wanting to go to a paint store ever since I had the surgery the day before.  Mom had been amazed at how vibrant the colors were after her surgery.  However, what I noticed was how white everything was.  The white was so white that it seemed to glow.  I felt like I could understand Joseph Smith's description of his experience with Moroni - "he had on a loose robe of most exquisite whiteness.  It was whiteness beyond anything earthly...exceedingly white and brilliant."  I wanted to find paint chips that would demonstrate what I was experiencing.  The only problem was that when I got into the paint section I soon learned that it wasn't the "white" that I was experiencing - it was the "light".  Everything in my right eye is darker...yellower...browner...darker.  The whites are not white - they are more beige - and the other colors are deeper - less light.  I cannot find words to describe the light that my left eye sees...it just is...and it is wonderful!  And more importantly I cannot help but recognize the importance of light...something that I thought I understood but didn't.  I thought I had been walking in light...but I wasn't.  Suddenly I want to understand the eye, how it works, the structures, the lenses, the brain...I would love to just call Brother Dahl and have him give me a crash course in opthamology.  LOL  And, just as suddenly I want to understand light, its' properties, refraction, color, wave, how it works.  And, since I have been unable to read, I have been left to ponder for the last week about the significance of what has happened and liken it to the scriptures and to myself.  Suddenly I want to read all the scriptures and study the words of the prophets to learn about the eye and light...and especially about the Light of the World.  Suddenly I "see" and understand more about the significance of "eyes that see" and the "flood of light" that changed the world.  I "see" so many applications on both a macro and micro level that I am afraid that I might miss something.  And, I worry that the further I get from this experience I will take for granted this very special and miraculous gift and my "eyes" will become darkened again with spiritual cataracts.  And I really worry that we, in America, have become "blinded" by our own sophistry and hedonism.  I suspect that as I search and ponder more this will be a subject of great "insight" to me...at least I hope so.