Time

This morning, as I sit at my desk to write this, I have such a mixture of emotions and memories.  Time seems to stand still and yet seems to be whirling in rushing eddies down Mill Creek Canyon, all at the same time.  Today, more than many days, I realize that things will soon change and I wish I had done a better job at preserving memories in my daily blog or journal entries.  I remember thinking I will never forget this...but now I wonder what I actually have forgotten and will never recall...at least in this life.  I'm wondering why the prophets and the Lord's counsel to keep a journal has been so casually kept...starting and stopping hundreds of time throughout my life.  Did I not deem it important?  I guess that's not true or I wouldn't have started so many times.  Was it lack of will power...very likely I suppose...exhaustion and lack of habit combined with good intentions but no action have led me here.

How I wish I could go back and read the doings of this day throughout my life - March 30th - what would I find?  How many little acts of kindness have I not recorded or cannot be grateful for because I don't remember them?  How many funny things did my children say that are long forgotten?  What frustrations, irritations, and difficulties did I face and overcome that made me what I am today?  How many poignant moments with loved ones will never be captured except in the sinews and tissues of my body and mind as a collective record?  As with all repentance - I can change - but I will never be able to recapture those precious days...days with my Mom and Dad, brothers and sister-in-laws, my wonderful eternal companion, my precious children and their spouses and my adorable grandchildren, or even neighbors, friends, and acquaintances.

Today I sit here and contemplate my Dad's life and my experiences with him...knowing that there are not many more days to spend with him.  I am torn between genuine health issues here and thousands of miles of travel to get to him.  I'm worried to leave Rich...I know it is crazy and that he'll be okay...but the worry engulfs my heart and brings me to tears.  More than ever I realize that our days are numbered as well...but Dad's are soon to be gone entirely.  What if I wait too long?   Have I already waited too long?  Time...always ticking, always moving, never standing still.