Labor Day

Today was quiet...really quiet.  Rich and I lazed about most of the morning just talking.  I think this is one of the most wonderful things that I have loved throughout our marriage...the pillow talk...the quiet, intimate chats about everything and nothing, that bring remembrance, laughter, the deep personal sharing of joys, fears, worries, and sacred trusts that forge and weld an impenetrable link between us...forever.  We've always had these times but with a quiet house now...these times are more frequent and somehow even more sacred...perhaps it is just that we're getting older and that is the natural course of things...who knows???  But I cherish them, whatever the reason.

Saturday evening I was asked to speak in Sacrament Meeting this coming Sunday.  My assigned topic is wide as the all outdoors - testimony.  I taught Sunday in Relief Society about the Book of Mormon.  In some ways it feels like it's the same topic.  I'm struggling to narrow the subject, since I need to speak only 15 minutes, but haven't found a way yet.  Mostly I've been reading and enjoying conference talks, but I know that's going to get me into trouble soon because my head will be swirling with ideas and I'll have no ability to pare down.  However, I knew when I was given this assignment that what I wanted most was to be able to provide a testimony to all I love.  Sadly I can't do that for anyone but myself, but I so want each one of my loved ones to want to know for themselves and pray that they'll do the necessary work to obtain their own testimony.  The old saying, "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink" is so apt.  I really would make a good satan...agency is so filled with worry and angst when you know the truth and you know that you MUST let others learn for themselves.

Thursday is coming rapidly.  I thought I was prepared...but I'm not.  I guess I was hoping that I'd just march off into the sunset and I wouldn't need to do this again...that somehow it'd all be over...but then there's reality.  I need to remember that the doxorubicin wasn't all that bad...but in my mind I guess I think that it wasn't all that bad because it didn't work, and the gem/tax was that bad because it did.  Convoluted...I know.  The degree of symptoms has nothing to do with efficacy...I know.  I'm grateful for the fasting and prayers and the priesthood blessings I've had, and amazingly, I really do feel hopeful...deep...deep...deep down inside.  But I remember the nausea, the deathly fatigue, the mouth sores, the legs that would not work, the coughing and pneumanitis, no strength or stamina, the feelings of helplessness and lack of energy.  It's reminiscent of pregnancy and delivery...I wanted the baby...but could there just be an easier way???  Obviously not.  So...Thursday will come and I will go to the oncologist and then to the hospital...could the food at least be better than it was last time???