Grandma Roskelley

When I was visiting Dad earlier this month I tried to go through some of the "stuff" that drives him crazy and that I worry about because often in between unimportant things VERY important things are nestled. You have to go through each piece of paper because you never know what you will find.

Well, I did find something that I found absolutely stunning...it was the adoption decree from a judge in the state of Montana granting the adoption of my grandmother, Wanda Bingham Roskelley to James Howell Hendricks! I had known that my grandmother loved this man, that she felt like he really loved her and cared about her as his daughter. I had known that he had married my great grandmother in Montana and that Grandma had stood with them during the ceremony, holding his hand, and she felt like she had married him too. I had known that he had been the one to pay for Grandma to go to Valparaiso, Indiana to boarding school and that she had absolutely loved that experience. I had known that he had talked to my great-great grandmother about adopting her and that she had felt that it was inappropriate because there was no tie to her once her mother had divorced him. I had known that adoption was something that she would have wanted, but I didn't know that it had actually occurred. I brought the decree home and placed it in my file with the intention of scanning it and other important papers and photos so that each of our families might have copies.

Well, on Friday of last week I decided that it was time to clean out the garage. We have been here for a year and while it has been an event filled year - I want to finally be settled. I still have things to do and boxes to unpack and pictures to hang, etc. but I really am feeling the desire to make this house a home. It is time to get all the boxes gone!

As I opened box after box, putting some things away, putting other things in a give away box, stacking things I don't know what to do with at the moment, finding things that I once knew we had but had forgotten, and gathering a huge pile of things that need to be organized at a later time I came across a navy blue paper Book of Remembrance with my Grandmother's writing on it. It has her handwriting on the front but to my knowledge I have NEVER seen this before. When I opened it I was amazed to find she had started tracing the genealogical lines of James Howell Hendricks and even had a family group sheet with her as the adopted child of James Howell Hendricks and Julia Abigail Smith Bingham. Again, I was STUNNED!

Chills come so easily as I consider the feelings that accompany these two events - I cannot dismiss them. They are miracles to me - not any less earth shattering as the parting of the Red Sea. The implications of these finds and their full ramification are not known to me at this time. I am still trying to grapple with what I know and what it means - and trying to determine what should be done with this information. I did a quick Family Search scan to determine if any ordinance work had been done - and after just a cursory look I cannot find any.

Perhaps the thing that is so troubling to me is having some idea of how my Grandmother felt, especially in her last years. During much of my life she didn't talk too much about her feelings about her life and especially as a child. But, as her life drew to a close she became a bit more open and expressed a little of her feelings of abandonment and lack of love from her biological father, Parley Pratt Bingham, Jr. and her mother. She had written several autobiographies or life histories and when you read them you can understand why she did feel that way. However, in all the genealogy that she ever did, and I have the original Book of Remembrance that she made for me when I was a baby, she never had anything about James Howell Hendricks. She used the biological lines exclusively. I guess that is why I didn't believe that the adoption had actually happened. I do remember my mother often wondering where my Grandmother's original Book of Remembrance was because she believed that there would be things in there that weren't part of the records that she had given us...but she (Mom) also believed that Grandma had taken her book apart to make copies for each of her children so that they could have a record too, and she felt that it had never been reassembled.

So, what is to be done at this point? In light of the knowledge that the adoption did occur and how much Grandma loved him, do we drop the Bingham line? This doesn't feel right - while I know that Grandma felt abandoned and unloved by her father it doesn't mean that was the case. His life was further complicated by the fact that he had remarried and had children by that marriage - in fact - those children became beloved brother and sisters to my Grandma. I also know that my great-great grandfather Bingham always tried to maintain family ties with Grandma, just as I would do if something like this had happened in the life of one of my grandchildren.

Do we just add the James Howell Hendricks line as a collateral line? Somehow that doesn't feel right either. Great-grandpa Hendricks went out of his way to formally adopt Grandma when her mother passed away and she had no parents to speak of. Grandma's mother had divorced great-grandpa Hendricks when Grandma was eleven. Her mother died when Grandma was 15 and great-grandpa Hendricks cared enough about Grandma to pursue the adoption of her at that time, with it being completed when she is 16. I don't know what her relationship was with her biological father at this time - and the court was satisfied that he had abandoned her when the adoption was made - but perhaps that was just legalese and great-grandpa Bingham knew that by giving up his parental rights Grandma could have a home where she felt loved and wanted - and while he may well have loved and wanted her - he may have known that she would never "feel" that way about him or the home he could provide for her. I also know that Grandma's association and love for great-grandpa Hendricks spanned a lifetime. It wasn't until I found the Book of Remembrance that I was able to piece together the ties that bind. During the depression Grandma and Grandpa went to Washington to live - they lived in the same area as great-grandpa Hendricks - and in fact - he passed away shortly after my mother was born. Obviously Grandma felt the safety and love of a parent. The records that I have don't specifically state it - but I wonder if Grandma had gone there after her divorce from Grandpa after Jack was born. And then, Granpa went there to effect a reconcilliation - which actually did happen and they were remarried and had Gale and Mom and eventually Vance before divorcing a final time.

What would the Lord have us do, considering the two miracles that just occurred? If, indeed they are miracles as I feel they are, wouldn't that indicate that the work needs to be done? I doubt there would be any difficulty in doing the work in light of the adoption. I am so glad that the Lord gets to straighten this all out in the eternities! For now, I guess I will just put one foot in front of the other and pray that the Spirit will direct me to know what to do. And right at this moment I am so humbled and awed that a man who had no responsibility at all would rescue my Grandmother, love her, and care for her. That he would recognize that he had the power to help her and give her the stability she so needed and then act on it - even in the face of opposition from well intentioned family and others who might deem it unseemly - is a true testament of the kind of man he was. It would seem that Grandma was a great judge of character because she loved him too.

It's a Journey

On Monday I went to see my primary care physician. Can I just say that I think she is great!?! Anyway - I was down another 30+# and she was thrilled about that, as am I. And my blood pressure was absolutely perfect and so I am now off all blood pressure meds - a pretty wonderful non-scale victory! I am walking better and better all the time - but the knees and legs are still shot and going to require replacements in the future. At the moment the plan is to fight my way through the pain with hydrocodone and get at least another 75# off and re-evaluate. She also said that she thought that there was a good possibility that that could be my goal weight due to my height and bone structure. I have real mixed feelings about that. I would love to be "done" with this phase and on to the maintenance part but there is another part of me that doesn't want to stop there - I really do have a goal to become my best self and I don't think that is 75# away - but more like 125# away. However, I haven't seen that number in 35 years - so maybe I will be happy with it....

So tomorrow I go see my ortho dr. to discuss getting more synvisc injections. I hope he is as pleased with the weight loss as is Dr. May (so far I have lost 312# of pressure on my knees and that is pretty spectacular) - but I know his concern is to get me to the place that I can have the surgery and fully recover and regain strength, flexibility, range of motion, and full use. That will have to be a future thing - not there yet.

Did see my podiatrist last week and he was very pleased and at one time regaining full use of my replaced toe looked doubtful - but if I keep up the water aerobics and working it I may be able to break down the scar tissue and fully recover. I would like to give it another 6 months to see if I can do that before I decide which course of action to take with my other toe - a complete joint replacement or fusing...right now I would like to believe I can have the replacement - we'll see.

Rich's health continues to improve and maintain - lung functions are stable, cholesterol is down, weight is down, off all diabetes meds, no oxygen, and no A-fib. He is having some discomfort/pain in his upper left side of his abdomen and Dr. May had him have a CT scan this morning because there was blood in his urine. The blood in his urine has been a problem off and on for a few years and every investigation has determined that there was/is nothing to worry about. This is the first time that there has been pain - Dr. May wants to make sure that the kidney is fine and that there are no stones. If the CT scan is clear then he'll probably head back to the gastro dr. for another colonoscopy - it has been 18 months or so since the last one so he's not really due one - but with his mom passing away from colon cancer it is something to rule out. All in all I feel much better about his health now than last year! LOL duh?!?!

Dad and Alzheimers

I thought I would take a moment this morning, it has been way too long since I have done this, and write a couple of things that have been going on.

A few weeks ago my Dad had been having some health problems and so Mike and Dad went to see Dr. Lundsberg who prescribed him with a new antibiotic. About the same time that the antibiotic was prescribed Dad also had some difficulty taking some of his meds. Whether he took more than he should have, didn't take them, etc. I am not really sure....but I digress. Brian, my nephew, and his wife have moved in to stay with Dad and help him with some of the things that we, as a family are concerned about. Brian and Laurie take care of meals, dispensing meds, and help in ways that let Dad have his independence but allow us to feel more certain that he is okay. However, Brian and Laurie were seeing a steady decline in Dad's functioning. Dad was falling and having other difficulties which alarmed them and they called Mike when they found Dad on the floor and unresponsive one morning.

Mike quickly came in and decided that he needed to get Dad to the Dr. Dr. Lundsberg examined Dad but felt it was better for Mike to take him to the emergency room because he was exhibiting signs of a possible stroke. So, after Mike had taken him there, Mike called me to alert me to what was happening. They spent the entire rest of the day and into the evening assessing Dad and his situation - did EEG, CT scan, EKG, blood work, etc. and finally admitted Dad. It was determined that he had not had a stroke although he was having neurological problems, hallucinating, and definitely not responding well. The E.R. docs told them that they thought it was probably medications that were responsible for the problems that they were seeing.

Slowly, over the next few days, Dad got better enough to be released. But the dr. there said that she believed that he had Alzheimers and made an appointment for them to see an Alzheimers specialist. I told Mike that I would like to be there for that appointment and so I made arrangements to fly out.

Unfortunately, due to other constraints, I only had 5 days there. However, I am very grateful for those 5 days. The Alzheimers specialist ran a battery of tests on Dad, met with Mike and I for a personal assessment, reviewed the results from the hospital workup, and talked extensively with Dad before making a final diagnosis of Alzheimers at a moderate to moderately severe level. He prescribed him a new Alzheimers med and will meet with him in about 3 months to assess how the med is working.

Perhaps the most illuminating thing to come out of the visit was the fact that Dad seemed to feel much better and more relaxed. The dr. told him about the disease, what to expect, that we'd made some good decisions already in trying to help assure his safety while at the same time trying to maintain as much of his independence as possible, and what could be done to try and help treat it. Dad was asked how long he felt he'd been having these kinds of difficulty and he told them probably over the last 7 or 8 years. I was stunned by that response. Dad and I have talked about Alzheimers, memory loss, and he has reached out when he has become lost or couldn't remember something. However, without an actual diagnosis, I never felt like I could definitively say what was happening nor did I know how to address his concerns other than to say he needed to talk to a dr and find out what was happening. When he said that he had been realizing it for that long I felt so sad - how alone he must has felt all these years - he'd laugh and tell us about some of the silly things he had done, joke about it, voice frustration about not being able to remember something or getting lost, which was his plea for help. He must have felt a great sense of relief that it was finally out in the open and his concerns were being taken seriously. It wasn't that we didn't take them seriously before - we tried our best to make decisions that have his best interests at heart...but we always talked around "it" instead of hitting "it" head on. I don't know how that might have changed things but I do think it may have relieved some of the anxiety he has been feeling for a long time.

Another great thing that came from the meeting was they gave us a lot of info about how to care for someone with the disease. How to communicate with them, how to address some of the difficulties that will become increasingly troublesome, and things that we need to consider in the long term. I have had them emailed to each of us kids and have suggested that we email them to our children so that they will know how best to relate to Dad, especially now.

Shortly after Mom died I remember wondering if Dad could be having these problems. I discussed it with the guys but they thought I was being overly dramatic and over the top. They believed it was a lot of the stress from Mom's extended illness and from losing her, age related, just his idiosyncrasies, or even a plea for attention. How I wish I had just bulldozed my way through and gotten a good assessment done before I had returned home...but it was easier to believe that it was some of the other things than to face this too. Perhaps it was easier to see because I lived so far away or because when I came there I was actually staying with him rather than being there only a few hours and then leaving. I don't know...I just feel badly that I didn't act sooner. Now, looking back, I can see there were telltale signs well before Mom's passing. In some ways their relationship was so symbiotic that I wonder if Mom knew.

The summer that Mom died I had gotten after her to be more patient with Dad because he was doing so much for her. I felt like she was a little ungrateful and because of how badly she hurt she didn't recognize how much he was doing. Hindsight truly is 20/20 because now I believe I would have realized how his difficulties were impacting her more and I would have and should have been more sympathetic to both of them - should have stepped in and provided more of the support and care than I did. I failed them both. Hopefully she will be able to forgive me and, having learned at her expense, I will have the wisdom of Solomon to help me and my brothers help Dad.

I can see the toll the worry is taking on Mike. I think I will be heading out there several times a year for an extended visit to provide some relief for he and his family. Derk and Julia are the salt of the earth and just have a special way of diffusing whatever seems to be causing Dad discomfort. They just keep constantly serving him and he so appreciates them and how they make him feel. Lexie and Brad are also providing that constant care...cleaning bathrooms, changing sheets, doing laundry...whatever it takes to help and he is so grateful to them for that because they just seem to know he can't do it for himself anymore. Chad and Ronnie are there too - I think they make Dad feel young and of value - they often include him in watching a game that Chase is playing in or some other activity and it helps him feel connected. Jim and Maria are in regular contact - but with them living so far away and with their lives so full it is hard to be of direct help. I understand that - I find my long distance relationship wholly inadequate to provide any real help to the people there or to Dad. Hopefully my travel out there will help out on the margins...and if it becomes a viable opportunity I would sure love Dad to come here...but I worry so much about what that would do, not only to Dad, but to the rest of the family as well.

I got a call two days ago from Dad. He wants Derk and Julia to be able to go to Europe. He feels badly that Julia is the only one that hasn't been there. Dad was trying to find his old passports or his birth certificate. I had uncovered them while I was out there. This isn't a convenient time for Julia to just pick up and go but I hope they will actually find a way to be able to do that. Spring would be a much better time to go...rather than late fall or winter. Secretly I think Dad is remembering lots of those times and wanting to visit and share them before he loses those memories too. I don't know how long he has before that happens...and I don't know how well he would manage...but it is on his mind now and that is what matters.

Deanna Johnson, a dear friend from El Centro, learned first hand how hard it is to live with regrets. She shared with me some of her experience and wisdom when we lived there and I have never forgotten it. I have not always acted on it to the best of my ability - but I have never forgotten it. I can't change the past but I can act today. Tomorrow today will take its place in the past...and over time I will be able to soften my hard edges, my harsher judgements, and intemperateness...because I have acted and lived today so that I will not have regrets.... Hopefully I will do that each and every day. I pray for the wisdom, courage, patience, kindness, understanding, and energy to do so in every facet of my life.

My Mom

Today is my Mom's birthday. She would have been 79. I think of her all the time. Sometimes when I pray I ask my Father in Heaven to relay messages to her. I don't know. Perhaps she is still in our area or with us frequently and I just don't have the faith to see with my spiritual eyes her realilty. I truly feel that she knows what is happening and what I am feeling, that she is here with me. And I know that Heavenly Father knows her and loves her and He loves me and so I have to believe that somehow the communication lives on.

I think that one of Mom's most precious gifts was always choosing to believe the best in people. This wasn't contrived or fake - it was real, genuine concern for people - Heavenly Father's children and her brothers and sisters. From my earliest memories I can hear her always looking for the good in a person rather than the negative. If I (or anyone else for that matter) did something that was beneath them she would always try to understand, to find a reason that would explain the errant behavior. She would never believe that it was just because the person was stupid, a jerk, or just plain evil - she just didn't see it them way. She would always counsel me to try and understand the other person's point of view or to believe that there was a benign reason for bad behavior. One of the major blessings from her example and teachings was that I learned to not take things so personally, to not find offense easily, to give other's the benefit of the doubt. It is certainly easier to believe that something done or said that hurt was done in thoughtlessness rather than with the intention to harm. She easily forgave and was quick to recognize remorse and sadness in others. I can't ever think of a time when she jumped to a conclusion about someone's motives that wasn't flattering, understanding, patient, or kind. My Uncle Vance (her little brother) used to say that when he got to heaven he hoped that she would be his advocate or a witness in his defense because she could make Hitler a sympathetic figure - and if she could do that for Hitler then what could she do for him! LOL I'm with Uncle Vance - I hope she'll be my advocate as well and I so want to be worthy of her advocacy.

The days are very busy here - keep thinking I am going to get it all together - but alas, that hasn't happened yet! LOL I am so far behind in blogging and every day I think I'll get to it - and then I don't. It is amazing how much more active I am with the kids here! LOL

I was thinking this morning how grateful I am for my children, their spouses (my other children), and my grandchildren. I don't know why I was so lucky to have them - but I am certainly glad that I do. I am so grateful for the plan of salvation, the gospel, the priesthood, and temple covenants that make it all possible to be together forever. I was thinking about Cherstin and Dan's wedding and being in the sealing room and having each of my children there and knowing that Felicia would also have been there if she had been endowed. That is joy...not just happiness...but the intangible and indescribeable feeling of joy. There is nothing better that I know of.

Speaking of Cherstin - I think it is time that I share a few things about her in memory of her 25th birthday on April 11th.

In 1984 we were living in Siegelbach, Germany. And, what was extraordinarily unusual was that my parents, my brothers Brad, Mike, and Jim and their wives and families were also living in the villages near Siegelbach and we all lived in the same ward too. If that were the case in Salt Lake no one would think a thing of it - but to have us there in Germany was absoluterly wonderful and a little odd at the same time! It isn't everyday that happens.

We really enjoyed having family there and we took the opportunity to travel and do things together on occasion which really created wonderful memories for all of us. One of those memories was going to The Passion Play in Omeramergau.

The Passion Play is world renowned. It tells the story of the Messiah - starting in Old
Testament times all the way through his life - from birth to resurrection. People come from all over the world to see it - usually about 500,000 people come for it when it is being performed. The villagers of Omeramergau. some 2000 of them, are the performers - the actors, musicians, chorale, make-up, costumers.... And this isn't just a small production lasting an hour or so - no! It is a huge production and lasts about 7 hours, not including a small lunch break. The play began in 1634 and continues to this day, with performances every 10 years on the decade - i.e. 1990, 2000, 2010, etc. However, in 1984 there was a special 350th anniversary performance - and it couldn't be more perfect - we lived in Germany and we probably wouldn't have this opportunity again so we talked to our family about going. Mom and Dad, Brad and Lexie, and Chad (who was visiting from the States prior to going on his mission) decided to join us. We were able to get tickets and hotel reservations in a military hotel - truly a miracle! LOL

We had a great time. In fact, that trip spawned some of our family's favorite memories about my Mom. When we went down to the hotel dining room for the breakfast buffet we knew that we would be gone all day to the play...and so Mom evidently decided to stock up. She had always carried a large purse that had always had a treasure trove of unusual things in it - i.e. screw driver, flashlight, sewing kit, glue - you name it! - but none of us had a clue that she had added things to it that she thought we might need over the course of the day. She was true to one of her mottos, "you never know when you might need it." When we went to a local restaurant for lunch the place was crammed with people - as it was for every restaurant, store, and hotel. The poor people at the restaurant were trying with all their might to keep up - but there was no way that was going to happen with the throngs of people. While we were waiting in line someone mentioned how hungry they were and how much they wish they had a roll. Mom promptly produced a "broetchen" much to our amazement. But when the individual took the roll he immediately started to long for some butter and jelly - and Mom quickly produced them. But then the individual started to lament that they didn't have a knife - but Mom did! LOL This continued for boiled egg, fruit, yogurt, spoon, crackers, cookies, candy, gum, even a drink...it seemed that she was a magician! We each were the benefactor of her "preparedness" but we have laughed about this repeatedly throughout the years.

Anyway - Rich and I and Brad and Lexie needed to find people to leave our children with while we were gone. We made arrangements with members of the ward that had children our kids' ages and we left knowing that the kids would enjoy themselves and be safe at the same time. It had been a long time since we had ever been gone from them and we teased about it being a 2nd honeymoon.

A couple of months later we learned that both Lexie and I were pregnant. It really didn't fit the time line of Omeramergau - but Rich always used to say that Cherstin was "our Passion Play baby." To this day he likes to think of her like that.

There were some pregnancies that were really bad for me - and Cherstin's was one of them. I was so sick I could hardly hold my head up for most of the time. Desi was just little then but once the kids left the house for school she would climb into the bed with me and just lay very still while I tried to maintain...she wouldn't leave my side until Phil would come home at lunch time, then she would go sit with him quietly while he played his video games. Then when the other kids got home she would follow them around - I shudder to think what it would have been like if she hadn't been so good. Even as late a Valentine's Day when we went to a dinner theater for a High Priest activity, I was having difficulty - I couldn't make it through the play - had to leave early and threw my insides up leaving the parking lot.

Another thing that proved to be unsettling for me was the thought that this birth could be like Desi's. Desi had been very difficult and I was extremely anxious about a repeat performance. Fear and dread about it plagued me throughout the pregnancy - I kept telling Rich that I wasn't going to "do this" and he would look at me like I was totally irrational (could it be because I was???) and tell me that there really wasn't a way out of this but to go through it. That didn't help!

I don't really remember the actual due date - I believe it was for the 4th or so of April - but Lexie and I were both due together. That was pretty neat. Because Brad and Lexie were civilian they went to a German doctor and to a German hospital. But, because we were military we were to go to Landstuhl Army Medical Center for prenatal care and delivery. However, I wasn't impressed. I felt like I was just one of the herd of cattle that they were putting through the corral. I came home from my second visit and told Rich that I really didn't want to have a baby there...they treated everyone the same...talked down to those of us that had children - as if we had never had a baby before...and it took hours to go through their clinic for check-ups. Rich listened and said if I could find a doctor at another facility that would agree to take us then he would support me. I found just such a doctor at Hahn Air Force Base - over an hour a way - but I loved the small clinic, the staff, and my doctor. It really made my care enjoyable and I was grateful that they would accept me as a patient.

As my due date came and went, and Lexie had Arianne, I started to have contractions - not Braxton Hicks - but real contractions that just didn't seem to produce much progression. Finally the doctor ordered a series of stress tests to determine how the baby was holding up and whether or not they needed to take her by c-section. She was fine and so day after day we waited.

Finally in the wee hours of April 11th I could feel the contractions getting harder and longer. I told Rich and it was decided that he would go ahead and go in to work but he would keep tabs on me throughout the morning. By lunchtime he was home and anxious to go to the hospital - he was glad that I liked the doctor and hospital - but he wasn't looking forward to the hour+ trip there over twisting and turning roads. As the kids came home we got things prepared to drop them off at my folks on our way to the hospital and I wanted my Dad to assist in giving me a blessing. When we got there my Dad was nearly as bad as Rich, nearly shoving me out the door! LOL

Rich drove fast and cautiously over the winding roads that he so dreaded - and I was becoming increasingly more uncomfortable. About 20 minutes away from the base my water broke - the car was completely soaked - as was I. By this time Rich was really frustrated and chiding me for not leaving sooner...he knew that when my water breaks we have a baby pretty quickly.

As we went through the gate of the base Taps began to play and the entire base stopped where they were...except us. Neither Rich nor I wanted to have the baby in the car! Rich stopped at the entrance of the hospital and let me out - I thought I was okay - and he would park and get things out for me. I waddled down the corridor in squishy shoes and soaked clothes - dripping a path all along the way. When I got to the triage center it was 5:10 p.m. I gave them the specifics and they checked me and said that I was 3-4 cm dilated - it would probably be a few hours by their estimation. They started to get me admitted, to place the I.V., but I was really having difficulty. Rich came through the door and I was never so glad to see him as I was at that moment. One of the nurses could see that I was struggling and so she decided that she would just check me again - I was 10 cm! She started to go get a wheel chair or a guerney but I told her I wanted to walk and walk I did - straight to the delivery room a couple of doors down the corridor - until I felt Cherstin's head - medics and nurses appeared out of nowhere to assist me to the delivery table. The doctor had been in the scrub room and when he saw what was happening he just left the water running (it over flowed the basin and created a little flood) and came to my rescue. Cherstin was born at 5:24 p.m. - just 14 minutes after arriving at the hospital.

The care at the hospital was wonderful. The staff were in awe of how quickly things had gone and seemed just as in awe that she was #5 for us. They used Cherstin to demonstrate baby care to other new moms but didn't make me attend the classes because I "was the pro!" LOL Rich brought the kids to the hospital, and mom and dad came too, to see our newest little one. Our stay was relaxing and enjoyable - but that wouldn't last.

Memorial Day

Today was a beautiful day in East Tennessee. The temperatures were more moderate than they have been (low 80's) and the skies were blue with hardly a cloud in the sky until afternoon, when we had a sudden cloud burst.

Wanda called earlier in the day and it was fun to talk with her and she reminded me of a few Memorial Days when we were in Germany, trips to Verdunne, Bastogne, and Luxembourg. I had a chance to walk down memory lane as I recalled the first time I visited Verdunne with my parents and brothers, as a teen. Verdunne, France was the site of horrific fighting during World War I and has deep ruts and craters that are camouflaged by the heavy forest that is encroaching upon this hallowed ground. It wasn't until years later when Rich and I took the kids to see it that I could fathom the significance of this cratering of the earth - that these were the pock marks of heavy artillery, hand grenades, and bombs - the scars of human struggle against tyranny and domination - the fight for freedom. It was gratifying to watch my children have the same reaction that me, my brothers and parents had when we saw all the graves and walked through the memorial - but the real horror of war became became even more clear to us, and to all who still visit, when we saw a large marble structure, shaped like a coffin, with sides and ends made of glass, wherein the remains of all of those for whom there was no ability to identify, their arms, legs, fingers, skulls, ribs, feet are displayed. I cannot even imagine what it was like to pick up the pieces of their mangled bodies that littered this sacred ground and to place them in that tomb. It is at once both grotesque and humbling. I don't think there is even a way to know how many men are entombed there. It is a stark reminder of the price of war. How many sons, dads, brothers, uncles, and even grandfathers paid the ultimate price?

Over the course of my years in Europe we visited Bastogne many times. It was the town at the heart of the Battle of the Bulge during World War II, liberated by the blood of American soldiers and, still to this day, the people of Bastogne honor them, those who so valiantly sacrificed themselves for them. Truly, the Savior's words, "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends" ring so true here. When I consider the real cost of so many lives to liberate so many people I am in awe of their courage, their dedication, their humanity.

A trip to Luxembourg is always a sobering reminder of the price that so many have paid. Thousands of white granite headstones, row after row after row, with small American flags at the base, each denoting the life given on behalf of our nation and our people. It would seem a small thing to stop and remember their sacrifice on Memorial Day.

The other day we were driving through Knoxville and a car in front of us had a license plate that indicated the owner was a "gold star" mom. That alone caught my attention - here was someone who knew first hand the sacrifice of her beloved son, given in the line of duty and love. Another bumper sticker also caught my attention though. It read, "If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you can read this in English, thank a veteran." It was a sobering reminder of how many men and women, over the course of our history, have contributed to securing my freedoms and my way of life. And it was also a stark reminder of how many people around the world owe their lives and freedoms to our country and its' military as well.

Marsha and Blair had driven up from Albany, Georgia for the weekend and we had a great time with them. Yesterday we took a trip out to the cemetery that Mom Bainbridge was buried in and put flowers on the grave and discussed such things as whether or not to plant permanent miniature rose bushes there and put a bench nearby.

Today Rich had the idea to go and visit the National Cemetery in Knoxville and we all decided to go. Many, many of the men interred there died during the Civil War, in battles in the area. Men and women from the Spanish American War, World War I and II, the Korean War, the Viet Nam War, and from our current, ongoing wars are represented in this cemetery. Each grave was marked with a small American flag. We had the opportunity to remember and to be grateful for their service. And, indeed, I had the opportunity to remember how many of the people I love have given service to our nation in the armed forces. I wish to thank them and to honor them. Both Rich and I have uncles, Uncle Romanus and Uncle Gale who lost their lives in battle. Our fathers both served. Two of Rich's brothers and his sister have served in the Navy, Rich served in the Air Force, our son, Joey, currently serves in the Air Force and our other two sons - Robert, served in the Army, and Dan currently serves in the Air Force.

When I was a teen I sang in the ward choir. One year we sang The Battle Hymn of the Republic. It was a stirring rendition and I especially loved the third verse:
In the beauty of the lilies,
Christ was born across the sea,
With a glory in his bosom
That transfigures you and me.
As he died to make men holy,
Let us live to make men free,
While God is marching on.
I am reminded of the promises that the Lord has made to the people who inhabit this great land. I know that it is only by our righteousness that we can secure these blessings and it seems to me that we are about to careen off a cliff if something doesn't happen soon to help us remember our Lord and his commandments. Perhaps the thing that has to happen is for us to live to make men free. Perhaps we do that in some measure by serving in the armed forces. But in reality - we do that by living and doing as our Father in Heaven wants us to, by sharing the gospel, and becoming a force for good in our homes, our neighborhoods, our communities, and our nation. Each of us can do that. Each of us must do that. Because, while so many in the world do not believe in God or in His statutes - the reality is that He is marching on - and His judgments are sure - and we, who have been so blessed by the gospel and the atonement of our Savior can give our lives to help others become free to choose liberty and eternal life.

God and the Gym

Today I had a rather odd, although very humbling experience. I have been going to the gym in Clinton now for about 6 weeks. I haven't missed a day and am finding that I am getting stronger and have greater flexibility and balance - all pluses if you ask me. And, I continue to lose weight and inches - never mind that it will be months before it shows. LOL

The people who go there are an interesting mix. Since the gym is affiliated with the therapy center many patients transfer to the gym when their therapy is over - there are people who have MS, stroke recovery, knee and hip replacement, and anything else that seems to need therapy. Many of these patients are older - probably in their 70's. They all seem to know one another and it is almost like a social club. There are young people who come in - they seem to gravitate to the yoga and pilates classes and other such activities. There is a pretty good group of people who are physically fit and have been doing this for years - it is obvious that it has been a way of life. And then, there are the ME's - people who are morbidly obese, with aches, pains, and illnesses that the obesity is aggravating and they are trying to take back their lives.

There is a lady that is in one of the water aerobics classes that is turning 95 on Friday. She was a math teacher at one of the high schools here for years. She retired in 1976. She drives herself and in every way seems capable and able.

There is a gentleman that often uses the equipment next to mine who is 98. His daughter brings him in everyday- she assists him in getting into the seat of the recumbent bike - and then goes and exercises herself. He pedals away for a full 30 minutes, at a pretty good pace, all the while he is talking to other patrons. He is lucid, hears well, and in every way seems to have much more life in him.

Another gentleman comes in daily as well - now he reminds me of the energizer bunny. He works the Nu-Step machine (an aerobic exerciser that is easier on the joints than the bike - it is what I use) twice each day for about 30 minutes at a time. He will use the tread mill, the elliptical, the rowing machine, and every piece of strength training equipment in the gym. He isn't a casual exerciser either - he goes at it full tilt. He is boisterous, friendly, and quite gregarious. He seems to know everyone in the place by name and everyone seems to know him.

Anyway - today I arrived at a time when there weren't many people in the gym - just he and I. We were using the Nu-Steps and I had my I-touch going with a conference talk on when this gentleman started talking to me. I took out the ear piece from my ear and proceeded to answer his questions and was quite surprised when he called me by my name. He wanted to know where I lived, where we had moved from, what my husband did for a living, etc. And then he said, "I want you to know that you are inspiring to me and everyone else here. I told my daughter in Nashville about you. She has been going through a nasty divorce and has put on quite a bit of weight."

I was caught completely off guard and kind of laughed nervously and then said, "tell her to lose it quickly before she gets to be big like me and it takes so much effort to get it off! LOL"

He responded by saying, "Well, I told her about you, coming every day and working out like the devil. I told her that you're looking good and that if you can do, so can she! All it will take is some dedication and commitment like you have."

I was so flustered I didn't know what to say - except "thank you!" It was just an odd thing to have happen - but as I said before, very humbling. I am grateful for his support and for voicing it. But it has caused me to wonder about the sphere of influence that we have. I suppose that sphere is far greater than we will ever know, ever can know, for good and for bad. And what he doesn't know is the battle I had within myself to even go there the first time - that basically I am a coward! LOL

Ironically the leaders of the church have been asking us to use our influence to make that which is good popular and that which is bad unpopular - and while I have always known that we have some influence - I hadn't ever really considered that I had any influence to speak of - except for perhaps with my children - and I am not even sure about that! LOL I am not suggesting in any way that my going to the gym and working to lose weight and get healthy will really change anyone else's life but my own - but I really hadn't realized that people really are watching us in everything we do, everyday. I have lived in my own little bubble for so long that I guess I just thought that I was invisible or blended in with the scenery - now that is rich irony considering how much weight I have to lose! LOL But seriously, how much good could I do if I would just open my mouth? How many times have I passed up an opportunity to share the gospel because I have been in my own world rather than in the world around me? What would my sphere of influence be if all of my actions were congruent to the things that I know to be true? How much damage have I caused when my actions haven't reflected well on the Church, its' people, or even the Lord? Perhaps that is why this was such a humbling experience - because my eyes have been opened to the knowledge that in every way I need to reflect my Heavenly Father's love for His children, His gospel, and His church. I do love my Heavenly Father and I have really always tried to keep His commandments and to live my life according to the gospel - but I have done so very imperfectly and have not always done the right thing even though I may have been trying to do it. Perhaps today and this gentleman's comments were one of the Lord's very many tender mercies in my life that will help me continue to try to master and conform my life more perfectly to my Master's. My mom used to have a favorite saying on her wall - "Please be patient with me - God isn't finished with me yet!" There could be no truer statement than that about me!