Today was pretty chill.  We got up late but I stayed in bed searching for things regarding my lesson tomorrow for the "Old Lady Play Group".  Later I went downstairs to work a few minutes on some genealogy...which turned into a couple of hours.  Then a shower, trip to subway, and family home evening group.  All in all it was a nice day.  I'm still working on my lesson tomorrow...thinking about showing a 3rd video about the bible and even a 4th about the new lds version of the bible in 1979...but I haven't decided yet.

I've been thinking a lot about my mother of late.  How grateful I am for her.  How much I learned from her.  And how long-suffering with me was she!  I'm hoping Heavenly Father is giving her my messages! :)

Star Trek Next Generation

I'm lying in bed watching an episode of Star Trek Next Generation.  Lying because the endless nausea of votrient seems to dictate my lack of energy and strength.  Watching this particular program because we've latched on to another series that will wile away the moments of chemo chaos that seems to be my lot at the moment. Rich is my constant companion...always at my side...always seeking ways to support and lighten my struggles.  I'm blessed beyond measure...truly blessed.

As I'm watching, I'm remembering fondly the weeks and months following our return from Germany, in South Carolina.  In the afternoons this series played reruns and the kids were always eager to watch.  It hadn't played yet on AFN and so it was entirely new to the kids.  It was a fond remembrance to me of coming stateside after Australia and knowing television was like a portal into American life.  It also was a sweet remembrance of my teenage years in Germany when AFN finally got some of the newer shows and Star Trek was one of them.  We were so excited to watch it each week...again...it was a portal into America. 

As I watch now, it is with eyes that are quick to see how it was pushing the boundaries I consider in harmony with my beliefs.  Probably I saw that then too, so many years ago...but I must have thought it benign enough.  But with hindsight I wonder if it really was that benign.  Our culture is reflected in its media and our media often molds our culture...it really is a portal...to our souls.

Death

On Sunday, I hadn’t gone to church as Rich was feeling that my immune system was still too compromised.  I received word that Pat Young had been rushed to the hospital via ambulance and firefighters.  Pat had been struggling with pulmonary embolisms and congestive heart failure for the past month or six weeks or so.  By Monday I received word that she had passed away.  I’m so saddened by her death and for her family.  They had moved here last year, from Utah, to be near their daughter and her family, and also in hopes that the lower altitude would help her heart condition.  In some respects her death feels reminiscent of my Moms’ and I feel for Amanda especially (her daughter).

The summer I spent with Mom and Dad, prior to Mom’s death,  I hadn’t realized how close Mom was to the end.  In hindsight it is painfully obvious...but I didn’t see it.  Perhaps I didn’t want to see it...didn’t want to believe it could happen.  But I was focused on her doing everything she could to live and overcome what she was dealing with...I wanted her to fight...and I had no idea how hard she was fighting nor how impossible the odds were. I often look back and realize how self-righteous and imperial I was...thinking I knew what was best for her and instead of compassion and empathy she got me.  Hindsight is 20/20.  

Amanda had come to me a few weeks ago and expressed her anxiousness for her mom and feeling like she wasn’t doing all she could to help herself.  Alarm bells rang in my head and I cautioned her, knowing how hard the recovery was for Rich and also knowing Pat just needed love and support and that Amanda would not want memories like mine.  I hope her memories are fond and tender and that she won’t beat herself up every once in a while because she learned the hard way.  There are so many times I wish that I had done something, thought something, felt something differently and yet I’m grateful for the atonement which has allowed me to experience real life and grow through those experiences and yet know that because of the atonement he can heal the wounds that I have caused to Him and to others...and even myself.

In contrast, in my own personal struggles, I have been blessed beyond words with love and support, kindness and patience, tenderness, compassion, empathy, forgiveness, and service by those around me and especially by those I love so much.  How in the world did I get to be so blessed????  Someday I will see my beloved Mother who sacrificed everything for me and loves me unconditionally...with a mother’s love like no one I have ever known loves.  I am so grateful for her...for her teaching, example, patience, charity, wisdom, support...for loving me.  Mom - I can’t wait to see you again!  I love you with all my heart!  I hope you’re meeting Pat...I think you’d really like her.

Baby Belle

It has been an eventful couple of days.  A couple of weeks ago Felicia’s ob decided out of the blue he wanted to do an ultrasound that he didn’t normally schedule.  Personally, I feel like it was the spirit prompting him to do it.  Felicia wasn’t too happy about it because she’s been so anxious about money and her insurance wouldn’t cover it, however, he told her he wouldn’t charge her for it.  When he did it something caused him to want to have another one the following week to check on the baby’s growth.  Yesterday the dr decided he’d recommend that they take the baby today as it appeared that belle had quite growing or at least wasn’t growing like she should be.

So after a rough day yesterday, Tom’s niece and her husband were able to drive up to Rock Springs this morning to take care of Noah and Georgia while Tom and Felicia were at the hospital.  Halleluja!!!

So Felicia and Tom arrived at the hospital about noon and they settled in to have Belle.  It seems that it was quite a slow start but by early evening things were really moving.  About 8:30-9:00 pm MST she made her arrival.  She’s had some difficulty with breathing but that seems to be getting better slowly.  They’ll be monitoring that closely along with her ability to maintain her own body temperature and insulin levels. Felicia has been a little shocky and very tired but I think they’ll keep Belle in the nursery for monitoring and that should allow Felicia to get some much needed rest as the evening goes on.

The dr told Felicia and Tom that they’ll be sending the placenta and cord to pathology to determine was had created the igur - something important with any future pregnancy.  There has been some discussion among the kids about the potential of Felicia having Factor V since all the rest of the girls have some degree or another and presumably it is from me...which could explain all the miscarriages i had.

Rich and I are filled with gratitude tonight that our 36th grandchild is here.  How fortunate are we???? We are so thrilled and feel great reason to praise the Lord for this beautiful child to add to our marvelous and wonderful family.  Each of our family hold a truly cherished place in our hearts and we are so blessed to have them.

On a side note - i finished my sixth round of yondelis this afternoon and Rich has started a round of antibiotics and steroids due to a respiratory infection and due to his impending surgery on the 3rd of next month, Dr. DiMeo thinks it advisable.

The Candy Man

I'm laying upstairs, snuggled into my warm cozy bed...it's Tuesday...Halloween...after chemo on Thursday and Friday.  This has been a rough round and while I feel myself gathering strength...I just don't have it in me to hand out candy to the many trick or treaters that are wending their way to our door.  Enter...the Candy Man!  I hear the children's voices, laughter, squeals, and the endless doorbell...and I LOVE hearing the sound of my sweetheart chat with the children as he doles out candy and waits for the shy ones to proffer their bags of goodies and comments on their costumes and wishes them a happy Halloween!  Where did I find him???  How did I get to be so lucky???  All too many, under the circumstances, would have just turned off the front porch light and let the children pass by...but not Rich.  He loves children.  He loves simple gestures of love and fantasy.  He loves traditions.  He loves me and his children and his grandchildren.  His goodness is found in so many small acts of kindness and I'm so grateful for him!  I love you, Richard Philip Bainbridge!💜💜💜

What a Difference a Year Makes...

I don't really know if I believe that time can heal all wounds.  Time can certainly give us perspective, a different way to see things, to learn.  I do believe that often times it gives us the opportunity to grow into, grow up, grow through, grow over, and even grow between what we are and will eventually become.  But I don't really know that it heals...I think the healing is done by the Master and perhaps time is one of His tools that allows us to learn as fast as we are able, that gives us the opportunity to grieve and hope and fear and hope and take a tiny step into the dark, in faith, believing that He is there, the Light, to hold us, to heal us, to make us all better if we will just let Him.  And all along our paths are those who give us light and hope...who are instruments in His hands...seeking to give aid and comfort to fellow travelers.  Angels from another realm or angels in mortality...it doesn't really matter, for they are messengers of Heavenly Father's love just the same.

Today I had my 1 week post chemo checkup and labs with Dr. Thompson.  It was such a terrific visit.  What an angel he is.  I think of the first time that I even heard his name...it was the day I learned that I probably had cancer, although they didn't actually tell me that, just that they were consulting with him and that he was an oncologist.  He was the the one that had suggested that they get a biopsy done on the liver mets so they could really know what they were dealing with and who to send me to see before they actually sent me to see someone else.  How profoundly wise was that counsel...even though he'd never seen me, I wasn't his patient, and who knew where this was going...he managed to get that all done and get path reports before I saw him a week later.  Knowing what I know now - those were miracles...each and every one of them...but we were such novices then, and so scared.

He and his staff have been so supportive.  Always cheerful, sober if need be, full of information, but even more of hope...not the false, glib, "it'll be all right" kind of hope...the kind that reminds you that each day is precious and that the hands you're really in knows all things.

I happened to have an appointment with him on Halloween day last year.  The entire office was dressed in costumes.  It was fun.  I was seeing him for the results of my 6 week scans following 6 weeks of doxorubicin.  I had the distinct impression that the doxy hadn't been effective but I didn't know...there really wasn't a way to "KNOW" anyway.  However, Dr. Thompson had my labs and scans along with the radiology reports.  He knew that my "tumors have just thumbed their noses at all that poison we pumped into them and grew anyway."  However, our relationship was new and he was just about to deliver some very difficult news to me and Rich.  Out of deference, kindness, charity, and compassion, he took off his costume before entering our room.  While his news would have been much more welcome had it been working, the fact is that we knew it wasn't and we were grateful for his honesty and willingness to find a different agent...gem/tax.  As we prepared to leave, he asked us, with a sly smile, if we'd like to see his Halloween costume.  Of course I wanted to and so did Rich - it turned out to be a Viking helmet with green hair! Lol!  Later that night four more angels unexpectedly arrived at our doorstep...my brothers - Mike, Derk, Brad, and Jim had driven for two and a half solid days to come visit for only two days!!!  Their timing was perfect!  And how I needed them!  They brought cheer, laughter, family, joy, memories, and love.  I wish I had a camera going for their entire time here!  How precious is time....

Today Dr. Thompson said that he knew that the chemo last week had been pretty rough.  I must have looked somewhat skeptical...I thought maybe my labs showed some pretty rough numbers...but he quipped that my purple Mohawk curl was drooping and not standing very straight! Lol!  He has been through the no hair, the wig, the hats, the funny straight short hair, the no eye brows, the no eye lashes, and the crazy Mohawk that has defied any kind of treatment to do something other than stick straight up!  When July 15 (leiomyosarcoma day and also known as the purple dragon) rolled around I told him I was thinking of dying it purple in honor of the day and Rich and he both said they thought I ought to ... and I did ... So I'm a 64 year old grandmother of soon to be 36 grandchildren with a purple Mohawk...I did not see this in my future even just a year ago!  Hey - my stake president even gave me a referral to go get tattooed eye brows!  You can't always see what tomorrow will bring!

As our appointment went forth somehow the spelling of the chemical name of yondelis came up.  Yondelis is the brand name for trabectedin.  I've learned a bit about leiomyosarcoma and the various drugs used to try to combat this dread disease.  However, frequently I get lost between the brand names and the chemical names of the drugs, let alone the various mechanisms by which they work.  During the course of this conversation Dr. Thompson acknowledged that he found the name "yondelis" a little unusual...like it ought to be the name for a birth control pill or something.  To which I added it could be something like "ecstasy" ... The room erupted with laughter, great tummy rolls of laughter.  As the laughter rolled on and on Dr. Thompson noted that there was a Yondelis who is a red-headed white girl who's a back-up singer for the Shirelles, to which Rich quipped that nobody today would even know who the Shirelles were....and the room erupted again in to gales of laughter and giggles.  Truly joyful laughter.  It's so good for the soul.  In the end Dr. Thompson noted how much he needed that appointment today....I hope in some way we lightened his day as much as he did ours...and continues to do...he's truly an angel.

After my appointment we drove into knoxville so Rich could attend his rehab class.  I went into Walmart to get some birthday cards.  On my way back to pick up rich I noted that there was a new Culvers that had just opened.  We headed back to Sam's and then he surprised me by heading to Culvers.  The place was slammed!  But the food was great.  I texted Bekah and suggested she transfer here and come live with us🤗

Turning the Corner

Chemo, yondelis to be exact, has royally kicked my behind.  I was thinking that this would be an easy routine since the 24 hr drip really was easy...but by evening of Friday I was in misery.  Saturday was total misery...between the vomiting, the pain, and the nausea I was pretty certain I wasn't going to make it through to Sunday or even Monday.  However, as this afternoon has worn on, the nausea is largely gone, as is the pain, and even the vomiting.  I've slept so much that my back hurts.  I took a shower and that really did refresh.

Rich and I had a great opportunity to chat with Joey for his birthday, this evening.  I feel awful, knowing that I have yet to get to a post office to mail him anything.  I hope he's not let down...and my guess is that he understands...but I feel so discouraged and frustrated that I didn't get this taken care of before all this.  I will be trying harder next year.  Perhaps the thing that haunts me most is that I'm still here...you'd think I'd at least get him a card while I'm here...it's the least I can do!  What if I'm not here next year?....