The Temple and Driving School - September 27, 2016

When I had my appointment at Vanderbilt with Dr. Keedy this summer, Rich was pretty anxious about not missing the appointment or being late.  That really is nothing new if you know Rich.  But the crazy thing is that we had oodles of time but Rich was flying low, you could feel his anxiety.  As we hit Lebanon, TN suddenly he slowed down...yes...he had been caught speeding.  After receiving his ticket and we had a chance to talk I realized that his anxiety was because he'd done a reversal in his mind of the time.  Our appointment was for like 10 am and he knew it was central time, the car and our watches were set for eastern, but I think he was thinking they were central...I don't really know...but his little speeding ticket was going to cost us something like $300 and points on his license.  So, instead, he opted for driving school at $150 which would mean traveling back to Lebanon for the four hour class, but no points on the license either.

So - tonight was the class.  We had discussed it and decided that I would drop him off and I'd drive over to the temple and be able to get a session in and be back to pick him up just as he'd be getting out...he might have to wait a few minutes but not long.

We drove over, stopped for supper at Jack in the Box, dropped him off, and then I drove to the temple.  It took me a little over an hour (about 70 min) to get there.  Just as I was turning off the main road I had the impression that I needed to return to the driving school.  And when I turned into the temple parking lot, the same feeling returned.  I parked and pulled out my recommend and pondered momentarily whether that really was a prompting.  I decided to enter the temple, place a few names I wanted to put on the prayer role, say a prayer and go to the bathroom.  My prayer was simple, I knew that my desire to go to the temple was a good thing, a righteous thing...could it be that it was not what I was supposed to do?  I received the same impression and left the temple, climbed in the car and headed back to Lebanon.  I just decided to trust those promptings even though they made no sense.

So I pulled into the parking lot of the driving school about 8 pm - truly I'd had a nice drive.  Within 10 minutes or so of parking I was surprised when the door of the school opened and all of the students started leaving.  The class was out over two hours early!  Had I not heeded the promptings Rich would have had to walk quite a ways---the better part of a couple miles to get someplace safe to wait for me in an area of town that wasn't so great. 

To the casual reader this would not seem like such a big deal.  Perhaps a coincidence.  Or to someone who never questions whether or not the voice or feeling they are experiencing is the spirit or not - they would never know how often I have struggled to know and trust that voice.  It seems that there is always a running voice in my head and trying to determine what is my voice versus the spirit isn't always very easy for me.  I have often wondered how I got to this advanced age and yet still struggle with this.  Rich and I have had this conversation many times and he has often come down on the side of, "if you're trying your best to keep the commandments and do what is right, you probably are living by the spirit...you just may not be aware of it since that is a natural state."  To which I have often scoffed and wished it were true, feeling certain that if that were the case, wouldn't I know it?  It isn't that I have never felt the spirit.  I often have. But today I felt the unmistakeable promptings and didn't really question that it was the spirit.  I just trusted.  And it felt wonderful!  And I really do know that it was a tender mercy to have received those promptings and I feel so grateful that Rich is safe and that all worked out as it should have!

"I Love You Forever and Ever, Amen!"

Intellectually I knew that when I had chemo that my hair would fall out.  It wasn't a foreign concept.  I've seen it before.  Processing it intellectually is different than processing it emotionally!  Trust me!  And while I know it is a trivial matter in comparison to the troubles of the world... it has rocked MY world somewhat.  I don't know if it is the cancer, the chemo, the hormones of my advanced age, or what...but several times I have found myself teary as I've tried to get used to my new look.  I know it takes the brain about three days to visually adjust to images...but somehow I don't think three days is going to cut it! Lol!  There is no way my hair is coming back that soon either.

So...I have had therapy sessions with my daughters off and on through the last few days and they have done their best to cheer and encourage me and give me ideas to make the most of my changing appearance.  Rich has listened and held me when I have felt uncertain and off kilter.  For the most part, I have taken it in stride...but there have been moments when it has seemed overwhelming and my very femininity has felt in doubt.  I've tried to explain to Rich that it's kind of like being full-term pregnant.  Intellectually you know you're female - after all no guy is going to be in that state!  However, there is no way you FEEL feminine!  You just feel like a house!  This is so similar!  Obviously I'm female...I just don't FEEL very feminine!  

Today, while I was studying my scriptures and Rich had gone to therapy I received a text from Rich.  It was so perfect I found myself in tears...the good kind😍!  It read, "Woman please follow this link.   https://youtu.be/sgJXbIP83A8 Know that I love you!"  Then, "I've been trying to tell you I'm in love with you not your hair Randy Tavis says it very good.  I love you forever and ever amen!"  How did I get so lucky?  How grateful I am for his love, support, understanding, kindness, gentleness, and respect.  He listens to me with his heart and while all my roller coaster emotions may be in overdrive sometimes, he doesn't discount them!  And when I least expect it, HE ROCKS MY WORLD IN THE VERY BEST WAY POSSIBLE!!! I love HIM forever and ever, Amen! ❤️💕😘😍❤️

I Have Cancer

Today started off well enough...until I started running my fingers through my hair and big globs came out.  I'm afraid I probably hurt Desi - she was asking about hair color and style (she's getting her hair done tonight) and I shot back with something like, "be grateful you have hair!"  It was no sooner posted than I wished I could have taken it back.  I wish and hope with all my heart that those around me will treat me no differently and include me in their conversations and then I do something like that!  Ugh!  My only defense is to say I'm trying to learn...but reality is I should have known.  I'm so blessed with such wonderful kids and husband who are patient beyond belief!

Tonight I came upstairs and decided I was going to shave my head.  I started and Rich finished.  I've known since June that I had cancer - leiomyosarcoma - but tonight it feels real...more real than it has somehow.  I wonder why?  You would think it would with the biopsy, the scans, the dr. appts, the chemo - but somehow this is the thing that makes it real.  Go figure!

President Monson and Dad

Today was the last day of General Comference.  I enjoyed the sessions immensely and as always, look forward to rereading the talks as they are published.  However, President Monson's talk was particularly poignant to me.  He opened with sharing his experience of attending the New York World's Fair in 1964.  The Church had an exhibition there known as the Mormon Pavillion and debuted the film "Man's Search for Happiness".  President Monson shared viewing the film with a gentleman who was about 35 years of age and others in the theater and as the people were leaving the film some were visibly touched.  The man that sat next to President Monson remained in his seat and marveled, "It's all true!"

As President Monson shared his message my mind drifted back to Dad.  All of my growing up years...in fact...for all of my life really...Dad wore a gold question mark lapel pin.  It didn't matter if he was working, going to church or some other place.  One day I asked him why he wore it.  He told me that he wore it always hoping that someone would ask him "the golden question".  When I asked what the golden question was he told me it was actually a series of the most important questions ever to be asked and that we had the answers.  He said the first question is, "where did we come from?"  The second, "why are we here?" And the third, "where are we going?"  

It was my Dad that first shared with me and my brothers The Plan Of Salvation.  He drew it out on a sheet of paper and I was just like the man in President Monson's story...I KNEW it was true!  Every single bit of it.  No doubts EVER.  I know that Dad asked and answered the golden questions at least a gazillion times.  It seemed that nearly every few days Dad would come home from work and share an experience with someone that he had talked to about the gospel.  He was fearless!  He knew that the knowledge we have is priceless and he tried with all his might to bring that knowledge to others.  In so many ways he will always be my hero!

Yesterday was a beautiful sabbath and I was so blessed to attend church.  Sometimes I wonder why and how it is that so many count themselves "spiritual" but not "religious".  I feel so grateful that I was raised in the church and that my ancestors recognized the truthfulness of the gospel and joined the church.  I have no idea why I was allowed to come to the home I did, but I am sooooo grateful!  From my earliest recollections I have known the truth for myself.  When I was a teen I remember sitting in my room, on my bed, looking in a mirror and asking, "who am I?" and tossing the mirror aside and answering myself with, "this is stupid!  I am a child of God!"  

Today I went to the church and practiced the organ, got Moroni's birthday box ready, did a little shopping, and Rich and I went to our family home evening group. Again, what a blessing to have such great friends.

Also - today we were surprised with the glorious news that the kids are planning a family reunion in March!  At Kitty Hawk!  How cool is that?  I have no idea what all they plan but I'm so touched by their efforts to put this together at such great sacrifice to each of them!  How blessed am I?

I awoke this morning with thoughts of actually accomplishing something!  But, alas, I still was experiencing some nausea and instead headed back to bed.  Rich and I found ourselves watching "Bones" - somewhat reminiscent of our many hours watching programs when we've been struggling with health concerns over the past few years. 

Many years ago, when Cherstin was just a baby, Lexie and I took a basic smocking class from a lady who lived in a nearby village in Germany.  It was something I wanted to do and was delighted that Lexie wanted to do it too...it's always more fun when you get to do something with a friend.  The teacher was really good and I enjoyed the class immensely.  I decided on doing a panel for a pinafore for Cherstin.  I got it smocked and even constructed the basic pinafore (minus the hem) and only needed to make the dress to go under the pinafore when we moved to South Carolina.  Needless to say, I didn't get the dress made and when the house went up in flames, the fabric to make the dress went up with the house...but the pinafore was pulled from the ashes, heavily stained from the soot and ashes.  Over the ensuing years I tried many different remedies to try and get the stains out, including some rust, to no avail.  After moving to Tennessee I found the pinafore and decided to take it with me the next time I visited Cherstin.  I doubted that she would even want it since the stains were so prominent and I had been on the lookout for several years for fabrics that might be used to replace the stained fabric but the color ways at that time offered no solutions.  When I took my next trip to Oklahoma Cherstin and I went shopping at their local Hobby Lobby.  At the cutting counter was a display of "Grandma's Stain Remover".  The tiny bottle promised miracles and was only $2.99.  I decided to take a chance and bought the bottle, went back to Cherstin and Dan's and promptly tried it out.  By the next morning the pinafore was absolutely spotless!  Rust, ashes, soot, and all! I was so delighted!  It has been a favorite product ever since.  However...it has taken a few years for the color ways to change but finally I have succeeded in finding a fabric to make the dress to correspond with the pinafore. This morning I thought I'd make that happen, especially since Heidi is nearly a year and a half old and I would like one of Cherstin's daughters to wear it.  However, when the nausea wouldn't subside I threw in the towel.  It wasn't that it was that bad...just yucky enough to not feel able to focus.  My anti-nausea meds make me drowsy so Rich offered me one of his.  His actually said it could cause drowsiness too...but it wasn't until a coupl hours later that I realized it hadn't.  That's kind of a good thing to know!

This evening was the General Women's Broadcast.  What a lovely event and it seemed the messages were given just for me.  I thought about my daughters (and daughter-in-laws - except I hate making the in-law designations because I feel like they are just as much my daughters - loved and adored just as my own) and granddaughters watching and hoping that they too were feeling the power of these special messages for themselves.  I thought of my sisters-in-law and wishing they knew how much I love and appreciate them...and realizing that if they don't...it's because I haven't told them!  And then I thought of my Mom...how I wish I could talk to her...how I miss her...how I love her!

"Teach Me..."

Today Rich and I headed up to Morristown for our acupuncture appointments.  We have been doing this for a few months, but Rich has been going for several years.  I have found these sessions interesting and have used them to relax.  Since my cancer diagnosis I have also found my session a wonderful time to meditate and pray.  Regularly I have been asking the Lord to teach me what he would have me to learn and today the sweet whisperings of the spirit prompted me to "write."

I have been intending to write more - my life story, memories, things about my parents and siblings, Rich, the kids, things I would tell my children and grandchildren, my worries, hopes, and dreams...but at the end of nearly every day I crawl into bed and, if I think about it at all, I tell myself I'll write tomorrow.  Sadly, tomorrow never comes.  But today I will write...and I hope to follow the promotings received today and write every day from now on...but knowing my history I feel reluctant to make such a declaration.

Monday I received the first round of doxorubicin.  Things went pretty well but I'm beginning to feel some breakthrough nausea once in a while and I think I'm also beginning to get the dreaded mouth sores that have been on my radar.  I'm trying valiantly to keep up with the soda/salt/water mixture but I think I severely underestimated the time frame that I needed to be vigilant in...I didn't realize that it would be in the latter part of the first week and the second week that would be so crucial.  I guess I'm learning.

Today I also got a sweet surprise in the mail.  The mother of a friend wrote a sweet and tender note to me.  She had learned of my diagnosis through her daughter and felt the prompting to reach out.  How many times have I felt those promptings and just let them pass???  And Joey and Wanda also reached out, as did Derk and Mike.  I'm so fortunate to have such angels surrounding me!  Each of my children, friends, loved ones, ward members, and my sweet husband continue to be such wonderful sources of strength.  I'm truly blessed!