Blessings! Blessings! Blessings!

When we lived in El Centro, CA a good friend, Sharreen Touchet, used to have a saying that we have adopted whenever something happens that is unexpected and/or good...she would say, "blessings! Blessings! Blessings!"

Today I have been abundantly blessed and I am so grateful for the tender mercies from the Lord and His servants who have poured out their "blessings!" upon me.  Truth be told, the blessings have been abundant all week long, but I was so focused inward and trying my best to just endure that I have not even acknowledged or expressed my gratitude or even my awareness that these blessing have been poured out.  I wish that hadn't been my reaction...but it is the reality.

Friends have texted me faithfully over this past week to ascertain how I was doing, offering food, movies, or just to come sit with me.  Rich has not had a meal...instead he has provided the strangest offerings that would more indicate pregnancy than chemo...except we don't really know much about the strangeness of chemo food...except that it seems a lot like pregnancy cravings!  Baked potato, French fries, over easy egg on toast, bacon egg and cheese biscuit...just like Australia! And Chick-Fil-A diet lemonade....ohhhhh!  Salvation!  Poor Rich!  I know he will be grateful when another week has passed and the nausea has abated some!

I am so grateful for Serina's extra attention in my acupuncture appointment.  Truly she is a kind and gentle soul who recognized the yuck of my day!

I received a special note from Mary Turner that was full of love and kindness.  I haven't even shared with her my diagnosis, yet I know she knows...and yet she loves me anyway.

I received a sweet and tender email from Kathryn this week giving me encouragement and support in this fight.  Her words were just what I needed to hear at the moment I needed to hear them.

My children (including my children who are loved by my children - and Rich and I) have kept in contact...helping me feel connected and a part of their lives, yet seeming to know that I was not terribly able to do much more than love them and their efforts.

Today I received a care package from Karen and David with four fluffy/fuzzy hats with a precious note telling me of their love and support at this time.

And my brothers, Mike and Brad, took time out of their hectic schedules to attend a sarcoma conference at the Huntsman Cancer Center today.  They queried, listened, and gleaned as much information and made contacts with other LMS patients, Drs, pathologists, genomics specialists, surgeons, and radiologists to understand what I'm experiencing, learn what is being done in the field, and to give me hope and support!

I'm just so overwhelmed!  I feel such love and know that I don't deserve any of it!  But I'm so grateful!  I truly feel like the loving arms of the Savior have been wrapped around me.  I feel the prayers and fasting that is being done on my behalf.  And I know that Angels truly have attended me all week long...in a week that seemed to last forever!  Thank you!

Nausea and Acupuncture

Yesterday was non-stop nausea.  My guess is that the three day anti-nausea meds were wearing off and I was just experiencing the effects of the chemo.  However, there seemed to be no remedy.  I lived on phenergan and zofran, dozing off and on throughout the day and evening...to no avail.  Basically it was a wasted day...I accomplished zilch!

I reasoned that today would be a bit better.  It was.  Barely.   Rich had an appointment with the VA in Johnson City so we headed out about 9:15.  After his appointment we left directly for Morristown for our acupuncture appointment.  To my surprise I was absolutely thrilled to find that for the duration of my appointment I had no nausea!  I know that acupuncture is used often to treat the symptoms of chemo but I'm firmly a believer after today.  However, it didn't last as long as I'd have liked.  We stopped at Costco to fill up and pick up a few things.   Finally were home and I'm snuggled in my bedroom sanctuary...and I'm chillin' with my hubby.

This morning Rich had an appointment with Dr. DiMeo.  All in all it was really quite a good appointment.  He'd had an appointment even earlier for his monthly Xolair injection and to determine what the status of his prescribed Nucala injection.  Of course this appointment and the challenge of getting the Nucala injection started took some time.  Dr. DiMeo is meeting with a Nucala rep tomorrow so that will probably be resolved in pretty quick order.  And, the cooler weather is seeming to agree with Rich's lungs!  We have a follow up appointment in two months.

Rich also had his therapy appointment this afternoon.  I tagged along and waited/slept so we could stop at Sams.  By that point nausea was breaking thru and I just wanted to come home.  We picked up a few things but I've been very grateful for my bed...just slept this evening.

Second day post second infusion

Rich had a really long day today.  He had a training appontment, pulmonary rehab, got the tires on the balanced and then found his way home, only to find that I had a hankering for cheese bread so we wandered out to Kroger's in search of bread and also found sweet tango apples still on sale and cherry chocolate Greek goddess yogurt...sounds yummy!

I'm finding that my appetite struggles the first week or two after each infusion and my my taste buds are very eclectic.  Both Rich and I need increased protein and we both need probiotics so I'm hoping the chocolate cherry yogurt just hits the spot!

Today I taught my institute class. I enjoy the group of ladies immensely and I felt it was a low key enough endeavor that things would be ok.  By the time I got home I really was tired and came upstairs, crawled into bed and took a nap.  Later I had calls from Cherstin and Joey and Phil...family is the best, huh?

Second Infusion and Dad's Example in Huetschenhausen

Today was my appointment with Dr. Thompson preceding my second infusion.  My labs went well enough that it was a go.  He also seemed hopeful that since the first infusion, I haven't had a return of the pain that sent me to the ER.  I'm hopeful too, but a little reluctant as it seems the collective wisdom from my LMS support group that our tumors are so deep that seldom does what we feel seem to accurately reflect the actual results of the chemo.  At any rate, before my next chemo in three weeks I will have another ct scan with contrast to see what has been going on.  I remember very well that Dr. Keedy' expectations were that there might be as high as a 60% chance of tumor stability (no growth) which I'm hoping and praying my response is at least that good.  There is a 20% chance that there may be some shrinkage, especially in some of the smaller tumors.  Again, I'd really like to be in that 20%.  There is a lady in the LMS group who actually had a 50% reduction in all of her tumors after three rounds.  But there are many more who've had growth while on it.  Faith and prayer. Faith and prayer.

A good thing that may happen over the next few weeks is a possibility that a drug (olaramutab), when combined with doxorubicin increased effectiveness by 60% in recent trials, will be granted breakthrough  status from the FDA in short order...rumors suggest sometime in October.  My next infusion is scheduled for Halloween.  I'd LOVE to have that happen and be able to combine the olaramutab with my Dox!  Faith, hope, and prayers!  Faith, hope, and prayers!  

All in all, I'm fine.  I'm experiencing a little more nausea than last time...but I've got meds for that!  Mostly I'm tired.  I know this is to be expected too.  I really think a good nights sleep will help...and phenergan will let the drowsy begin😉.  Tonight I feel grateful for Drs., nurses, pathologists, pharmacists, researchers, and especially all of the love, support, faith, and prayers of my family and friends and for my Heavenly Father, the Savior, and the Holy Ghost whose light and knowledge is flooding the earth, and grants unto me many, many good days of peace and comfort, with the knowledge that the Savior knows me personally and has already experienced all that I have and will experience and done...and through His atonement I can be completely healed - emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and even physically.  And I don't even understand how He could do that let alone love me enough to do it!  

When I was a teenager (I may have shared this somewhere, sometime but don't remember) we were living in Huetschenhausen.  It was usually our custom to have dinner after Dad retuned from work so that we could have a meal together.  

One particular night (it was like 9 pm) we had just finished dinner and Dad made assignments for evening chores.  He asked me to clear the table and wash the dishes.  I REALLY didn't want to do them but I said ok.  But, because I didn't want to do them I went to the bathroom, played the piano, etc. - slow, slow-leaking you might say.  

After about 30-45 minutes I heard Dad in the kitchen, running water, scraping plates, putting food away, etc.  He wasn't doing it in an angry way...he seemed genuinely sad.  I tried to get him out of the kitchen with my attempts of protests and apology and jumping right into the task.  He responded by telling me it was ok and to just go finish my piano practice.  I felt so repentant and tried to make amends.  After a little while (with not much left to complete) Dad finally left the kitchen and I finished the job.  

I was frustrated beyond belief and went to talk to my Mom.  In her wisdom, she listened.  But once I had finished she said something to the effect of, "Karen, do you not understand your father yet?  He truly believes, like our Father in Heaven and the Savior, that if you love him, you will do as he asks."  For the first time I really understood.  Since that experience, my obedience is always about the love.  I love my Heavenly Father, the Savior, and the Holy Ghost.  I love them because they loved me first.  I love my parents because they loved me first.  It is amazing to me as I know I don't, of my own merit, deserve their love.  There are to many times I've been disobedient, self righteous, unteachable, proud, arrogant, and just more concerned about myself than those who have loved me so.  But, I really have learned that not only would the Savior not coerce my obedience because of the inherent unrighteousness in it, but he also only wants us to return because we want to, because we love him enough to do what he asks.  Because I love him, my faith has grown enough to know that whatever he requires is right and good for me...he is helping me to become what he knows I can become, if I love him enough to trust him and do as he asks!  I don't know why I have this privilege of experiencing this disease, but I'm sure that there have been and will be many spiritual opportunities in my future, and I will experience and feel his love through all the prayers and support of by those who continue to love and support me...regardless of my many faults and who are his disciples and his hands!

The Temple and Driving School - September 27, 2016

When I had my appointment at Vanderbilt with Dr. Keedy this summer, Rich was pretty anxious about not missing the appointment or being late.  That really is nothing new if you know Rich.  But the crazy thing is that we had oodles of time but Rich was flying low, you could feel his anxiety.  As we hit Lebanon, TN suddenly he slowed down...yes...he had been caught speeding.  After receiving his ticket and we had a chance to talk I realized that his anxiety was because he'd done a reversal in his mind of the time.  Our appointment was for like 10 am and he knew it was central time, the car and our watches were set for eastern, but I think he was thinking they were central...I don't really know...but his little speeding ticket was going to cost us something like $300 and points on his license.  So, instead, he opted for driving school at $150 which would mean traveling back to Lebanon for the four hour class, but no points on the license either.

So - tonight was the class.  We had discussed it and decided that I would drop him off and I'd drive over to the temple and be able to get a session in and be back to pick him up just as he'd be getting out...he might have to wait a few minutes but not long.

We drove over, stopped for supper at Jack in the Box, dropped him off, and then I drove to the temple.  It took me a little over an hour (about 70 min) to get there.  Just as I was turning off the main road I had the impression that I needed to return to the driving school.  And when I turned into the temple parking lot, the same feeling returned.  I parked and pulled out my recommend and pondered momentarily whether that really was a prompting.  I decided to enter the temple, place a few names I wanted to put on the prayer role, say a prayer and go to the bathroom.  My prayer was simple, I knew that my desire to go to the temple was a good thing, a righteous thing...could it be that it was not what I was supposed to do?  I received the same impression and left the temple, climbed in the car and headed back to Lebanon.  I just decided to trust those promptings even though they made no sense.

So I pulled into the parking lot of the driving school about 8 pm - truly I'd had a nice drive.  Within 10 minutes or so of parking I was surprised when the door of the school opened and all of the students started leaving.  The class was out over two hours early!  Had I not heeded the promptings Rich would have had to walk quite a ways---the better part of a couple miles to get someplace safe to wait for me in an area of town that wasn't so great. 

To the casual reader this would not seem like such a big deal.  Perhaps a coincidence.  Or to someone who never questions whether or not the voice or feeling they are experiencing is the spirit or not - they would never know how often I have struggled to know and trust that voice.  It seems that there is always a running voice in my head and trying to determine what is my voice versus the spirit isn't always very easy for me.  I have often wondered how I got to this advanced age and yet still struggle with this.  Rich and I have had this conversation many times and he has often come down on the side of, "if you're trying your best to keep the commandments and do what is right, you probably are living by the spirit...you just may not be aware of it since that is a natural state."  To which I have often scoffed and wished it were true, feeling certain that if that were the case, wouldn't I know it?  It isn't that I have never felt the spirit.  I often have. But today I felt the unmistakeable promptings and didn't really question that it was the spirit.  I just trusted.  And it felt wonderful!  And I really do know that it was a tender mercy to have received those promptings and I feel so grateful that Rich is safe and that all worked out as it should have!

"I Love You Forever and Ever, Amen!"

Intellectually I knew that when I had chemo that my hair would fall out.  It wasn't a foreign concept.  I've seen it before.  Processing it intellectually is different than processing it emotionally!  Trust me!  And while I know it is a trivial matter in comparison to the troubles of the world... it has rocked MY world somewhat.  I don't know if it is the cancer, the chemo, the hormones of my advanced age, or what...but several times I have found myself teary as I've tried to get used to my new look.  I know it takes the brain about three days to visually adjust to images...but somehow I don't think three days is going to cut it! Lol!  There is no way my hair is coming back that soon either.

So...I have had therapy sessions with my daughters off and on through the last few days and they have done their best to cheer and encourage me and give me ideas to make the most of my changing appearance.  Rich has listened and held me when I have felt uncertain and off kilter.  For the most part, I have taken it in stride...but there have been moments when it has seemed overwhelming and my very femininity has felt in doubt.  I've tried to explain to Rich that it's kind of like being full-term pregnant.  Intellectually you know you're female - after all no guy is going to be in that state!  However, there is no way you FEEL feminine!  You just feel like a house!  This is so similar!  Obviously I'm female...I just don't FEEL very feminine!  

Today, while I was studying my scriptures and Rich had gone to therapy I received a text from Rich.  It was so perfect I found myself in tears...the good kind😍!  It read, "Woman please follow this link.   https://youtu.be/sgJXbIP83A8 Know that I love you!"  Then, "I've been trying to tell you I'm in love with you not your hair Randy Tavis says it very good.  I love you forever and ever amen!"  How did I get so lucky?  How grateful I am for his love, support, understanding, kindness, gentleness, and respect.  He listens to me with his heart and while all my roller coaster emotions may be in overdrive sometimes, he doesn't discount them!  And when I least expect it, HE ROCKS MY WORLD IN THE VERY BEST WAY POSSIBLE!!! I love HIM forever and ever, Amen! ❤️💕😘😍❤️

I Have Cancer

Today started off well enough...until I started running my fingers through my hair and big globs came out.  I'm afraid I probably hurt Desi - she was asking about hair color and style (she's getting her hair done tonight) and I shot back with something like, "be grateful you have hair!"  It was no sooner posted than I wished I could have taken it back.  I wish and hope with all my heart that those around me will treat me no differently and include me in their conversations and then I do something like that!  Ugh!  My only defense is to say I'm trying to learn...but reality is I should have known.  I'm so blessed with such wonderful kids and husband who are patient beyond belief!

Tonight I came upstairs and decided I was going to shave my head.  I started and Rich finished.  I've known since June that I had cancer - leiomyosarcoma - but tonight it feels real...more real than it has somehow.  I wonder why?  You would think it would with the biopsy, the scans, the dr. appts, the chemo - but somehow this is the thing that makes it real.  Go figure!

President Monson and Dad

Today was the last day of General Comference.  I enjoyed the sessions immensely and as always, look forward to rereading the talks as they are published.  However, President Monson's talk was particularly poignant to me.  He opened with sharing his experience of attending the New York World's Fair in 1964.  The Church had an exhibition there known as the Mormon Pavillion and debuted the film "Man's Search for Happiness".  President Monson shared viewing the film with a gentleman who was about 35 years of age and others in the theater and as the people were leaving the film some were visibly touched.  The man that sat next to President Monson remained in his seat and marveled, "It's all true!"

As President Monson shared his message my mind drifted back to Dad.  All of my growing up years...in fact...for all of my life really...Dad wore a gold question mark lapel pin.  It didn't matter if he was working, going to church or some other place.  One day I asked him why he wore it.  He told me that he wore it always hoping that someone would ask him "the golden question".  When I asked what the golden question was he told me it was actually a series of the most important questions ever to be asked and that we had the answers.  He said the first question is, "where did we come from?"  The second, "why are we here?" And the third, "where are we going?"  

It was my Dad that first shared with me and my brothers The Plan Of Salvation.  He drew it out on a sheet of paper and I was just like the man in President Monson's story...I KNEW it was true!  Every single bit of it.  No doubts EVER.  I know that Dad asked and answered the golden questions at least a gazillion times.  It seemed that nearly every few days Dad would come home from work and share an experience with someone that he had talked to about the gospel.  He was fearless!  He knew that the knowledge we have is priceless and he tried with all his might to bring that knowledge to others.  In so many ways he will always be my hero!