Thanks, Des, for changing my blog!  I was going to try it myself but - well - we all know how tech challenged I am!  LOL  You did a wonderful job! And I am really grateful!

I've been working on the Mother's Day songs for so long, studying lyrics and trying to remember them (can't get this brain to do that for some reason), seeking ways to teach and help the children remember them, and each time I go over one of these songs the spirit teaches me.  The power in these simple words and tunes is overwhelming to me.

Last Sunday I printed a "Mother" on a sheet of paper, mounted it on a half sheet of poster board, laminated it and poked holes through the irises of her eyes.  When I was trying to help the children I told them that often mothers cry because we are so happy and we love to hear our children sing to us.  I urged them to sing so well "the mother" cried.  I had a sister help me by spraying a stream of water or mist through the holes.  The kids got a real tickle out of it.  I would say it was a success.

As I have thought about these things I am so humbled by my opportunity to be a mom - especially to my children.  When Rich and I married we both wanted to start our family right away but that didn't happen.  Months came and went without signs of pregnancy...and each time I felt sad, discouraged, and empty.  I remember getting to the point that I believed we'd never have children and deciding that if we weren't going to have any then the most important thing I could do was to focus on the blessings I did have and to cherish Rich's and my relationship.

Obviously children did come to us and always I felt as if the views of heaven and the eternities had just been opened to us.  Each is perfect...and now my children have grown to include more children and so many wonderful grandchildren.  I wonder how it is that I have been so blessed.  I know that is probably not the best way to look at it as I know many wonderful couples who would love to have children, who ache for them as I once did, and yet their lives have not been blessed by them.  But I cannot see or think or hear from any one of "mine" and not feel like I am in heaven...for whatever the reason of their call or visit or thought.  I have no words to express my love and joy.  I wish I did and when you consider that I don't have words - well, that is something all on its' own, right?

The chorus from "The Family Is Of God" goes:
                 God gave us families
                 To help us become what He wants us to be.
                 This is how He shares His love,
                  For the family is of God.

Simple yet profound words.  I think of how much I have learned and grown, at the expense of those I love so dearly.  I thank them for allowing me to learn and for forgiving me of all the pain and frustration I have inflicted on them over the years.  It is truly in the loving arms of my husband and children that I am where I am now and I am so grateful for their patience, support, kindness, love, and teachings - I am so grateful to be their Mom and pray with all the fervency of my heart that we will be able to spend eternity together.

I remember sitting at the table for dinner one night many years ago and one of the kids was gone to a friend's home.  The "hole" was immense.  I have thought about that over and over and over through the years.  I would have never known what I was missing unless I had been willing to have it in the first place.  In a day when we were urged by the popular culture to not have children, to pursue our own goals, and if we were going to have kids then just have one or two, I am so glad I could hear the words of the prophets and the stirrings in my own heart.  I am so glad and grateful that Rich was always there, beaming from ear to ear, at the news of a pregnancy or the birth of a new little one, or the frustrations and worries, or the joys...always there to cherish the moments with me...to share our lives together. 

I wish I had been the perfect Mom.  I wish there were some things I could do over.  I tried to do the best I could and sometimes I didn't try hard enough.  But I would never, ever undo, redo, or change my kids.  They truly are my greatest joys.  I love you Wanda, Joey, Philip, Desiree, Cherstin, Felicia, and with no less joy or distinction - Robert, Carlie, Hannah, Mike, and Dan.  Thank you so much for being the people you are.  I'm so proud of you and the great work you are doing.  I am so grateful to be your Mom.  I love you with all my heart.  Truly you are how God shares His love and I am so humbled and gratified to have you in my life - my joy is full.

I am loving and stretching and stewing and fretting in my calling as Primary Chorister.  It has been a long time since I have had to work at something like this...that's a good thing.

I have taught the kids "I Am A Strippling Warrior" and "I Love To Go To Grandma's House" for the Mother's Day Program in Sacrament Meeting and I am so excited to hear how they do - and worried at the same time.  I know that neither song will be that familiar to the congregation so I hope they will enunciate clearly.

In the meantime - every day seems to be taken up with preparation and effort for me to learn the songs I will be teaching on Sunday.  This week I am teaching "The Family Is Of God" - such a beautiful song and so filled with the spirit - and "I'm So Glad When Grandpa Comes" for the Father's Day Program and "When I Am Baptized," as well as reviewing "Gethsemane".  I searched for ribbon wands yesterday and guess I'll be ordering them online - can find them for $.70 (I could make them but I would spend much more than than and I have lots of other things to do) for the "rainbow" actions.  Rich said he'd help me make rain tubes but I need to get the pvc pipe and get them made before all our company arrives...Marsha and Blair are coming in for the weekend and Joey and Carlie and the kids may be coming too.  Now if there were just some way my mind could remember the lyrics to these songs!!!!  LOL

Musings from Mosiah

Today, in my scripture study, I read Mosiah 5.  I just love Mosiah.  I remember the first time I ever read it - the power, understanding, faith, and love I feel for my Savior seemed to grow miraculously.  It is easy for me to understand why the people said that they believed all the words that he (King Benjamin)had spoken to them and they knew of their "surety and truth" because the Spirit is so strong in those words and I become "changed" every time I read them and have "no more disposition to do evil continually, but to do good continually" too.  I had to smile to myself this morning when I realized that I always feel this way but then having the resolve and ability to actually be this kind of individual seems to struggle when I have to put it all into practice.  King Benjamin certainly knew that when he gave his counsel in the previous chapter to "watch yourselves, and your thoughts, and your words, and your deeds, and observe the commandments of God."

However, in Mosiah 5 much is about me becoming a daughter of Christ and being called by His name.  I sense there is such deeper meaning to these words than I understand...but some pondering gave me some additional insight...perhaps not new to anyone else...but certainly new to me.  In verse 7, "because of the covenant which ye have made ye shall be called the children of Christ, his sons and his daughters" - obviously the baptismal covenant provides us that transformative power - and because of the covenant we become members of his Kingdom, and able to stand on the right hand of God. 

It is verse 12 that caused me to consider - "...remember to retain the name written always in your hearts, that ye are not found on the left hand of God, but that ye hear and know the voice by which ye shall be called, and also, the name by which he shall call you."  Obviously, once we have been baptized and received the companionship of the Holy Ghost it behooves us to learn to hear and know THAT voice if we are to utilize that power to help us return to our Heavenly Father.  What I didn't anticipate was the thought that the partaking of the sacrament each Sunday renews that covenant but the specific wording in that prayer is about our being "willing to take upon" ourselves His name...it is my willingness to enter into His temple...His life...exaltation...and it by His name that He will call me and I need to hear and know the voice by which I will be called.  If I cannot or do not hear and know that voice in my every day walk how will I ever hear and know that voice to enter into His glory and presence?  Do I think that it will be any quieter, easier, less confusing or chaotic then?  I would be no different than the five foolish virgins who thought they had all the time in the world - or perhaps they thought they wouldn't have to wait so long so they had plenty and over time they just didn't listen to that voice above the commotion of the impending feast - didn't hear or recognize and act upon those precious instructions that come but go just as fleetingly to those who will not hear or do not know. What could be more important than to be able to hear and recognize His voice?  This was a "tender mercy" today - a glimmer of the eternities and a musing that helps me see, just for a moment, the eternal round of the gospel. 

A little over a month ago I was released as a Relief Society teacher (I will really miss that calling - so fun and I learned so MUCH!) and called as the Primary Chorister.  I had this calling a LONG, LONG, LONG time ago for a very short time, so it isn't exactly new...but it has been long enough that I don't know the songs that the kids have learned.  To top it off, the previous chorister has been out since about October of last year and they have just been having substitutes so there isn't anyone to really go to in order to learn about what the kids have been doing as there has been so little consistency or continuity.  However, I am loving this calling too.  It is on my mind all the time and I find myself reflecting on the simple truths of the gospel and the love of Heavenly Father and the Savior and the importance of family, etc. all day long.  I am finding that I have no brain though!  LOL  Remembering words to new songs, coming up with ideas for teaching and practicing, even just selecting what we're singing seems to be "over my pay grade!"  Oh well, hopefully it will get better and better as I exercise these portions of my brain that haven't had to learn this way in quite a time.  I am grateful that I have Cherstin, Desi, Wanda, Hannah, and Carlie so I can "pick" their brains and for modern technology as there are a gazillion blogs and yahoo groups to help me along.

Yesterday I spent the day trying to figure out how I might do something that the kids would love, it would involve them and get them moving, but allow for lots of repetition.  I taught a song for Easter, "Gethsemane" by Melanie Hoffman, that ALL the kids loved and so many parents have told me that their children sing it often throughout the week...but I only got one verse taught until last week when I taught the other two...so we need to do some reviewing of it.  And the children are supposed to sing in Sacrament Meeting for Mother's Day and Father's Day so I spent quite a bit of time trying to find something that was different than the usual songs.  I settled on "I Am A Strippling Warrior" and "I Love to Go to Grandma's House" for Mother's Day.  Grandma's House was easy - an old song that tells a story and has easy actions to remember the song - the kids learned it with just a couple of run throughs...but  Strippling Warrior has been another matter.  I taught the chorus last week but even then I didn't feel like it was solidly "there"...close but not solid.  I still need to teach the 3 verses and so I need to come up with some ways to remember the words.  I thought about flip charts - will still probably have to make them as I think the kids will need them for Sacrament Meeting for prompts - but I was trying to think of other things all night long - it seemed that I dreamt about it ALL NIGHT LONG!  LOL  Somewhere in my dreaming I saw the kids with orangish-yellow head bands like the picture of the strippling warriors...and I was trying to figure out how to make them.  When I woke I thought it would be really easy to just make strips of fabric to tie around their heads and I could use fabric glitter to write "brave," "strong," and "true" on them as they are the words to describe the warriors.  Then I thought I need to make a few childrens' sized aprons to represent "mothers" and a shield with "faith" written on it and a sword with "truth and hope" on it, and learn some sign language and make some signs that the kids will recognize for key words and...I think this will work!  Yeah!!!

I was thinking I would create an "Angry Birds" game...but I think I have about decided to do it next week to review.  I have some boxes I'll cover with brown wrapping paper for the bricks, already bought some pink foam sheets to make the pigs, have a strength band to make the sling shot, and just need to buy a few "angry birds" to finish the game...but I know the kids will get into the game and I need them to learn the words so I'll teach the song this week and use the game next week to create the repetition to solidify it in their brains - and hopefully mine!  LOL

Then - I need to figure out a way to keep cool while I'm teaching - at least not sweating buckets.  Maybe a clip-on fan for my music stand?  Anti-perspirant under my make up???  Something has to give!  LOL 

Sounds like I need to get off here and get busy, huh?  Have a great day and sing a song for me!

I'm so grateful for modern technology - even though I am one of the least skilled at it.  I've been thinking about the inventiveness, the ingenuity, stick-to-it-ivness, determination of the men and women who have brought these wonderful advances about and the spirit of the Lord that brooded over them so that His purposes could be wrought.  Today I had the opportunity to talk to and play with each of my children and even some of my grandchildren....  What a blesssing.  I'm old enough to remember that the only way we used to have to communicate was through very expensive long distance and snail mail...yet today I talk, facetime, and play games with them and I seldom really face the reality of the thousands of miles in separation.

Today Cherstin called to talk about her worry and frustration with Ellie.  At two, she is very, very, very busy and often into things that could prove disasterous for her and others.  By noon Cherstin was facetiming me with evidence of her concern - Ellie had put her hand on the burner of the stove and her little fingers were blistered.  A trip to the dr, some silverdene creme and lots of gauze to keep it clean, with a follow-up appointment in a week were prescribed and she is doing better tonight.

In the meantime - Emily has learned to play "Draw Something" on her iPod and she and I have been playing.  It has been so much fun to watch her draw, reason, and spell.  I also play games with Rebekah, Rachel, Mary, Ben and Sam...I just love having these connections!  I wish I had these connections with each of them - in due time I guess.

Wanda and I had a chance to talk today as well - about Nauvoo and ways to involve temple aged kids in preparing names for the temple.  I've been so impressed by Elder Bednar's talk about this subject from October's Conference that this seems like a particularly wonderful opportunity to involve the kids in the work...but I haven't yet figured out how.  Wanda suggested I email each of them and give everyone assignments and homework...I think I will but I'm just trying to figure out how and what to involve them with....  It is just a little over 90 days until we'll be there so I better make some decisions quickly!

Tomorrow is my last synvisc injection.  These have been particularly difficult.  Perhaps I am getting to the point that I will just need to have the surgeries...so much for hoping to not have to have them!  Hopefully tomorrow's will be better than the last two which have left me immobile for 5-6 days afterwards.  I have been swimming the last two evenings and that seems to have helped a little - at least it seems to have loosened the joint up.  But - I will be honest - I'm dreading tomorrow.

When I was a young child General Conference was a three day affair...in all probability it was more likely a whole week with the broadcasts only on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.  I vaguely remember my mother having meetings for the various auxiliaries that she had callings in during the week - they were held in the Church Offices and R.S. buildings and put on by the General Church leadership.  I remember coming home from school on Friday and Mom would be so excited to share a talk that had been important to her...or I was hushed so she could finish listening to the talk.  LOL

Somewhere, sometime it was changed to the two days of sessions that we currently enjoy and now I always think back about how glad I was to have conference over then as I feel sad for how quickly it will be over now.  And, today Rich and I made preparations to enjoy this weekend to the fullest.

Rich invited a good friend, Emily Sammons, and her husband to watch conference with us here at home.  They have usually gone to the Church and we were a little bit reluctant to invite because we know they have family in the area and didn't want to intrude on family time.  However, Rich extended the invitation today and they accepted.  I have been wondering what kinds of food we ought to have because it seems like we ought to have the old standbys - but being on Eastern Daylight Time - maybe not...and all the plans I had for tomorrow have died as tonight Julio, Rich's counselor, was supposed to have his guys over to our home for a cooking group (they were supposed to learn how to make burritos) but not one showed up.  I had cooked a tri-tip all afternoon so that they could have shredded beef burritos, but since that didn't get used it needs to be eaten...so I think that's what we'll have for lunch tomorrow - or between sessions more specifically.

This afternoon Rich and I went to Sam's to get a few extra items for the Priesthood Session.  He is bringing cookies, pie, and ice cream for their little social prior to the session.  We had picked up the bulk of items yesterday at Costco when we were in Chatanooga but we knew we'd want a few things (i.e. peanut butter cookies and double chocolate chocolate chip cookies and the ice cream) from Sam's.  While we were there he found a small TV for the office and a blue-ray player for the family room - both were a very good deal.  I'm hopeful that once we get the office set up we will find ourselves "anxiously engaged" in genealogy and getting through the boxes and boxes of things I have brought home from Mom and Dads'.  I think the TV will help that happen - go figure!  LOL

Today I had a chance to talk to Dad.  I had spent quite some time talking to Mike last night and knew that he was feeling very anxious and worried about Dad and wondering if we'd made the right decision.  As I talked to Dad I was sensitive to those feelings and wondered how I would feel and what my impressions would be.  To be honest - I hearken back to the family conference call on Wednesday morning and I cannot deny the sweetness of Shauna's prayer and the powerful impressions that we were being attended to by heavenly hosts.  It is unusual for us to have unanimity in anything and yet we were one.  All of that was turned upside down when Dad seemed to be coming out of the fog and haze he had been in...but as I listened intently to Dad today I knew the decisions we had made were the right ones and that the time frame may be a little different but the outcome would still be the same...Dad is slipping away and will soon be returning to our Heavenly Home to be with Mom, his parents, Tony, and our Savior and Heavenly Father.  We will miss him...but in reality...it will be a joyous thing.  He said, as late as last Sunday, that he felt like he was in jail and he didn't think he could "do this" any longer...I don't think he'll have to and I am grateful for that.

My knees are very, very stiff and painful still.  This round of synvisc seems to be like the round two times ago.  It was many weeks before I was able to get around.  I'm wondering how I will survive another set of injections on Wednesday but I know that I need to have them or I will never have the relief I so desparately seek.  Right now I am living on hydrocodone and voltaren gel and wondering how many more times I can go through this before I actually have to have the replacements...not too many I think.   I'm sure glad I didn't have the 3 in 1 shot!

Well - it is nearly 11 p.m. so I am hitting the hay - I want to get up early and see if I can get some weeding done before conference...I may not if my legs aren't any better...but I can hope!

Time

This morning, as I sit at my desk to write this, I have such a mixture of emotions and memories.  Time seems to stand still and yet seems to be whirling in rushing eddies down Mill Creek Canyon, all at the same time.  Today, more than many days, I realize that things will soon change and I wish I had done a better job at preserving memories in my daily blog or journal entries.  I remember thinking I will never forget this...but now I wonder what I actually have forgotten and will never recall...at least in this life.  I'm wondering why the prophets and the Lord's counsel to keep a journal has been so casually kept...starting and stopping hundreds of time throughout my life.  Did I not deem it important?  I guess that's not true or I wouldn't have started so many times.  Was it lack of will power...very likely I suppose...exhaustion and lack of habit combined with good intentions but no action have led me here.

How I wish I could go back and read the doings of this day throughout my life - March 30th - what would I find?  How many little acts of kindness have I not recorded or cannot be grateful for because I don't remember them?  How many funny things did my children say that are long forgotten?  What frustrations, irritations, and difficulties did I face and overcome that made me what I am today?  How many poignant moments with loved ones will never be captured except in the sinews and tissues of my body and mind as a collective record?  As with all repentance - I can change - but I will never be able to recapture those precious days...days with my Mom and Dad, brothers and sister-in-laws, my wonderful eternal companion, my precious children and their spouses and my adorable grandchildren, or even neighbors, friends, and acquaintances.

Today I sit here and contemplate my Dad's life and my experiences with him...knowing that there are not many more days to spend with him.  I am torn between genuine health issues here and thousands of miles of travel to get to him.  I'm worried to leave Rich...I know it is crazy and that he'll be okay...but the worry engulfs my heart and brings me to tears.  More than ever I realize that our days are numbered as well...but Dad's are soon to be gone entirely.  What if I wait too long?   Have I already waited too long?  Time...always ticking, always moving, never standing still.