I hate being technologically challenged!!! I really do!!! I was reading the kids' blogs and wanted to post a comment on Desi and Mike's to Emily but I can't get it to work. Go figure! I tried everything I knew, but nada! So, Emily! I am so proud of you! You read the story beautifully and you didn't even get frustrated or anything...just kept sounding out any word that was more difficult! You were AWESOME! :) You'll have to read for me at the family reunion! And I can't wait to see you!

This has been an emotionally difficult week for me. Last week we marked the 1st year of Mom B's passing. We had gone to the cemetery and landscaped her grave - put some plants there and some edging. All the while I noted how much I would love to be able to do that for my Mom's - especially because she loved going to the cemeteries in Germany and seeing how people cared for the graves of loved ones. And, I also noted how often Wanda has said that she wished Mom could be buried in one of the cemeteries in Wisconsin because they give family quite a bit of latitude that way too - and how Mom would have loved it.

On Monday Rich and I headed back to the cemetery to put water on the flowers as we have had no rain to speak of. We had also put a bench at the foot of the grave and so we sat and reminisced about Mom and I think Rich has finally come to terms with her passing. He thought she would always be around and I think it has been hard for him to accept that she isn't with us anymore, except in spirit. I think he still feels a little bit like she is still with Marsha and Blair or back in California - but obviously knows that she isn't.

We know that she really was ready to go - she had been for quite a while. But I think we all feel like if she had had the colonoscopy like she should have then she would still be with us. I know part of her frustration was the fact that her independence was gone as a result of the macular degeneration - but in so many ways I felt like we were just really getting to know her and would have relished more time to do that.

I pulled out her death certificate and wanted to put things in motion to have her work done for her...but it still sits on my desk...not because I have any hesitancy about having the work done...I guess it is because in some respects it really does make her gone. Crazy thinking, I know, but nevertheless, it is the way I feel.

Then, today is the 6th anniversary of my Mom's passing. You would think that it would get easier as time passes...but I think for me it is actually the opposite. I didn't cry really for her when she passed - I was glad that she was no longer suffering and I know that she suffered far more than I even had a clue. However, I have been more emotional and weepy the last couple of days...I miss her so. Several times I have found myself thinking I ought to call her and then pulled quickly back - it isn't like I don't know that she is gone - just that I would so love to talk to her, tell her how much I love her, miss her, and need her. I would love the opportunity to tell her how grateful I am for her example of faith, courage, optimism, love, compassion, creativity, empathy, wisdom, endurance, testimony, and her thirst for knowledge and understanding and that I so admired her and have wanted to be like her all of my life. In many ways I think that is a tremendous compliment to her and the life that she led. Unlike so many in the world today that do not want to be like their parents - the fact is that my parents are wonderful examples and if I could ever develop some of the qualities that they have I would be very lucky. Every time I read the first passage of scripture in the Book of Mormon I think of my parents - "I, Karen, having been born of goodly parents...." I don't know why I was so lucky to be born to them but I am surely grateful to my Father in Heaven that I was.

It wasn't that Mom was without faults...I don't want to procrastinate or be late, or be overweight, or be organizationally challenged...but if those are the only problems she ever had she was a Saint...and in fact she was. She loved the gospel and the Savior and our Heavenly Father. She loved the Book of Mormon, Church History, and Family History. She loved the church and she loved serving in it. She loved watching BYU devotionals, in fact, any talk or religious discussion on BYU tv! She loved BYU football and basketball games - and my dad - enough that she would watch them over and over and over again. LOL She loved the hymns, the Relief Society, and the General Authorities and any counsel they gave. In fact, she loved and could find good in ANY human being because she knew that they are her brothers and sisters, and Heavenly Father's children - a fact that often resulted in an interesting discussion whenever anyone suggested that someone wasn't behaving as a Child of God. And she loved us unconditionally - no matter what we did or didn't do - she loved us and understood us and wanted us to be happy and to live valiantly so that we could all be together in the eternities. In fact, one of her favorite stories was the one about the dog chasing the squirrel and finally getting it and having a chair for every person in the family and not wanting any empty chairs in the Celestial Kingdom. For as long as I can remember she had credited Elder Faust with the story but I think he may have been the one to relay the story to her, but that the story was from another of the twelve.

Mom loved and appreciated beautiful things. I remember going to a crystal factory when we lived in Augsburg. We watched as the craftsmen etched and cut the crystal on a huge grinding wheel - all without benefit of measurement or pattern. All the while she would be teaching us about the intricacies of what they were doing and helping us appreciate the beauty that they were creating. It was the same story on a trip to a china factory - watching the pouring, the firing, painting, glazing, and the firing again of beautiful china. Or her appreciation of German candle making, wood carvings, windmills, tulip fields and gardens, porcelain dolls, stained glass, cathedrals, marble inlaid floors, crystal chandeliers, fine quilting, tatted lace, beautiful embroidery and tapestries, castles or log homes, it didn't matter because she could always find the beauty in something.

I remember her taking a watercolor class in Germany. I recently came across a couple of things that she had started and they are beautiful. I gave them to Chad because I know that he appreciates the fineness of her work and understands and feels a special connection to her because she taught all of us love and appreciate the arts. Mom knew and encouraged the development of the talent and love Chad has for these things - they took a stained glass class together, they did glass etchings together, and she was constantly encouraging him as he worked in construction to do fine and beautiful work - not just functional work.

She did that for each of us. She recognized early Mike's artistic ability and encouraged him in the same way. When Mike first took up oils and acrylics his teachers would have him "copy" the works of the masters. It didn't take long before we liked what Mike could do even better than the masters! LOL She always understood his need for aesthetics...even when it meant hundreds of dollars and great inconvenience. She understood that practicality was important but that beauty could calm the soul. She also recognized that he has a great marketing sense - he is the consummate "idea man" and much of his creativity and expertise comes as a result of his "critical eye" in seeing how things, ideas, and opportunities are presented.

When Derk was a young teen, I remember he wanted a motor for his birthday. Dad didn't want anything of the sort - it would be messy, greasy, oily, and of no use. But Mom realized that Derk has a kind of engineering genius and needed to take things apart, put them back together, to see how things work. One year, on a trip to Scandinavia, our VW bus was having engine problems. We were going through very small villages and long open roads and the bus was obviously on its last legs. However, Derk was able to get out and fiddle with the motor every few miles until we got to a city that had a repair shop that could fix it! Dad was pretty glad to have Derk's skills around that time. LOL Mom gave Derk the encouragement that he needed to pursue his talent and she and Dad always appreciated the fact that he is always coming up with something new or inventing something or knows how to do anything that none of us know. A common mantra has become, "call Derk...he'll know how to fix it!"

When Brad was born Mom had gone through quite a period of depression. She had tried all kinds of things to try to beat it but she struggled for quite a while. Mom and Dad had been concerned about this pregnancy anyway because he was due just one year after Derk was born, Dad was bishop, and I, as the oldest of four was only 5 years old. But with typical faith Mom felt that the Lord would help them through it all. Brad was the quietest and calmest of babies, rarely fussing and easy to love and care for. Those personality traits have always been a part of him and Mom was quick to note that had it not been the case his long hospital stays when he got the fishhook in his eye or when his retina tore would have been far more difficult than they were. Mom was also quick to realize that "still waters run deep" and beneath Brad's easy nature there was a keen intellect, natural leadership, wisdom, and a spine of steel.

Mom's pregnancy with Jimmy was a long and difficult one. She hemorrhaged several times and we nearly lost her and Jimmy because of the placenta previa. Months of bed rest were Mom's lot and she often said that while those months were tremendously difficult - they were also wonderful tutors. I remember spending lots of time on the bed with her while she read to us, taught us, and helped us with everything from childhood squabbles to deciphering recipes. Jimmy was delivered by c-section and 3 weeks later Mom went with us as a family to Timpanogos Cave - now I shudder at the idea but then I was just glad that she was with us. Mom, as usual, was a great student of her children. She learned everything she could about them and then used what she had learned about us to teach us to become our best selves, believing that each of us had strengths and weaknesses. Mom recognized Jimmy's gentle spirit and his great love for nature. She spent many hours camping and fishing with him, and with all of her kids, and enjoying the Uintahs, Payson Lake, Utah Lake, Lake Powell, Bear Lake, and everything in between. She always knew that he would eventually have to leave the Salt Lake Valley for more remote locations and that he would always be his own boss. She recognized he had the intellect, drive, and natural instincts to do whatever he wanted...I don't think she was even surprised when he ran for public office.

When I talked with Dad I knew that it was going to be a very difficult day for him. He misses her so and I think that the 6 years without her have been extraordinarily long. He says that she has been visiting him, many times over these past years, and cannot wait until the day that they are united. I too look forward to that day. I will never be able to thank her enough for all that she did for me and taught me. Her love for me and the rest of her family was unconditional and full of patience, long suffering, and kindness. I will keep trying to measure up to her - because I love her.