Primary Programs

Today at church we had the Primary Program. It was truly a remarkable program and I was so struck by the power and the influence of the Spirit as it bore testimony to me of the truthfulness of the doctrines the children talked about and sang. I thought of our precious grandchildren in Wisconsin, Ohio, Colorado, and Oklahoma who would be participating in a program in their wards and of the their parents who had participated in our ward programs through the years. I even thought back to the beginning of time when I was a child participating in them. I thought of Abby reciting her part to me yesterday for her program today and how it warmed my heart to know and feel of the pureness of her faith in our Savior and Heavenly Father.

I am grateful to dedicated teachers and parents through the years that taught me, my children, and now my grandchildren. Their powerful influence is often under appreciated, even by them. My parents were valiant teachers of the gospel to us, their children. It seemed to me that we had Family Home Evening nightly when I was young. Every night we gathered together in the living room for prayers and then trudged to the kitchen for our vitamins and then Dad would give us piggy back rides to bed. Dad taught us how to conduct meetings, the priesthood offices of the church and church government, and often bore powerful testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel and the restoration of the Church. Mom, in contrast, seemed to find some gospel principle in everything we did, saw, or experienced and never let the opportunity go by to teach us what could be learned.

I remember attending Primary as a Sunbeam and I even remember that in my class we were learning how to set the table with construction paper place mats that had outlines drawn on them for the plate, glass and silverware. I don't remember what was said, perhaps we were being taught about the blessing on the food, I don't know....but what I remember most vividly was having the Spirit testify that what my teacher was teaching was true, that this was the Lord's church, that He loved me, and these truths were the same thing that I had been and was being taught by my parents.

A few years later we were visiting my Grandmother in California and there was a new hymn for the Primary that had been introduced for the coming years' Sacrament Meeting Program, "I Am A Child Of God." However, Elder Kimball had listened to the song and suggested that there was a change that ought to be made. The chorus of the song had been:
Lead me, Guide me,
Walk beside me.
Help me find the way.
Teach me all that I must know
To live with Him someday.
He suggested that the "know" wasn't good enough - that it didn't go far enough. He urged her to consider changing the word to "do" because we would need to know and to do to be able to return to our Heavenly Father someday. I remember listening to the hymn and loving it immediately - it felt like I had always known it. I also remember the discussion around the dinner table about Elder Kimball's suggested change. I was taught important doctrine there and knew that I was indeed a Child of God.

Years later, as a teen, in the turbulent 60's there was great public discussion about the existence of God, whether He was Dead or not, who we are, where we came from, agency, the power of "the devil made me do it," and life after death. There was a transcendental fervor and the hippies were driving the discussion. I remember sitting on my bed one afternoon and looking in the mirror, thinking, "who am I?" It didn't take 2 seconds before the answer came - I am a child of God. It was concise, succinct, and powerful. I knew who I was, I knew God's plan, and I would follow Him in faith. I had no doubts then and have none now. Some would call my faith nothing but brainwashing - but I can no more deny my knowledge of these truths than I can deny that I am a living, breathing human being. They have provided a sure foundation that has brought me great joy through the years.

Many years later I would have the opportunity to teach these truths in my own home and to my own children. I have often thought of a charge that Pres. Harold B. Lee gave to the CES leaders about teaching in a talk entitled, "Loyalty." He said, "You're to teach the old doctrines not so plain that they can just understand, but you MUST teach the doctrines of the Church so plainly that no one can misunderstand." I tried to do that but I was surprised one day when Cherstin came to me and asked when her knees were going to turn gray. She told me that she had been waiting and waiting and just wanted to know when that was going to happen. I was confused and tried to ascertain what she was talking about. Finally she blurted out, "you know, 'I am a child of God and so my knees are gray'." I started to chuckle when I realized that she had the words wrong and so I enunciated them as clearly as I could. However, I was stunned when she repeated them back to me, "Oh! 'I am a child of God and so my knees are great!'" Obviously the difficulty was with the word "knees" and I needed to spend some time teaching the doctrines taught in the hymn! LOL

I never, ever watch and listen to a Primary Sacrament Meeting Program without thinking about Joey's first one. As a child Joey was high energy. Always on the go. Always with something on his mind. And always fully engaged in whatever he was trying to do. His Primary teacher, Sister Schwendiman, was a young mother who seemed to appreciate the wriggles, off-the-wall comments, and eagerness of the 12 three year olds who were her class. Joey adored her. We were glad about that because it meant that he was more apt to follow her directions and be obedient. He had gotten dressed that morning in his little blue suit, vest, white shirt, and tie. But unknown to me was how excited he was to be wearing his brand new "UnderRoos" (themed underwear - in this case - Superman). Seated on the stand with his teacher and his class, and the rest of the Primary, things looked pretty good. Rich and I were seated in the middle of the congregation and I looked up in horror as I realized that Sister Schwendiman was paying rapt attention to what was happening at the podium...but further down her row was Joey who was obviously not paying attention...trying to show his buddies his new UnderRoos. It would have been okay if he had just told them about them but no! he had to show them and he had decided that it was best to take off his suit coat, vest, shirt, tie, and pants so that the class could see it all! LOL I was mortified and Rich just couldn't contain his laughter...nor could many in the congregation. With the snickers and laughter it wasn't too long before Sister Schwendiman looked around and saw what was happening...she was pretty mortified too! LOL Through the years I have often thought of this incident and in my own mind it has become somewhat of a metaphor to remind me how quickly we can become distracted from the things of eternity by the cares of the world...and how we can never take our eyes off our responsibilities and charges because it only takes a moment for disaster to occur.

Rich seldom ever watches a Primary Program without remembering sitting in the congregation with Wanda (age 2 1/2) and Joey (nearly 1) while I was on the stand playing the piano. I remember looking down and finding that he and the children were not there, but it wasn't until after the meeting that I learned what had actually happened. Wanda was just learning how to go potty and we had taken her to the bathroom before the meeting began. Things had gone well for them through the opening of the meeting, the sacrament, announcements, etc. but about half way through the program Rich heard a waterfall and looked around to see what it was just as he was getting thoroughly soaked. Wanda had been standing on the wooden bench and just let go. Rich said that it was a veritable lake on the bench and he quickly used the blanket he had with him to mop it up the best he could and then he grabbed the children and fled the chapel in his soaking wet suit. LOL When I reflect on this little event I am reminded of the legions of men and women and children who patiently support behind the scenes and acknowledge that without their support much of what gets done would never have a chance of being accomplished if not for them!

This year Desi and Cherstin have both expressed their love for the music that the children have learned for the Sacrament Meeting Program. They have delighted in teaching their children the songs and the doctrines contained in them. And the children have loved learning the songs and singing them at the top of their lungs...anywhere and everywhere they go. And, because they have sung them with such gusto they have even had the opportunity to teach nonmembers a little of these sacred truths. Out of the mouths of babes! We really are the leaven for this world.

Sister Lant, recently released General Primary President, said:
"Brothers and sisters, we are the angels that Heavenly Father has sent today to bless the children, and we can help them to one day see the face of the Savior as we teach the principles of the gospel and fill our homes with the joy of living them. Together we can come to know Him. We can feel of His love and His blessings. And through Him we can return to the presence of the Father. We can do this as we are willing to be obedient, faithful, and diligent in following His teachings."

Gratefully. because of faithful parents and teachers there is a whole new generation who are preparing to do whatever the Lord requires and because they are armed with knowledge and faith and testimony they will be able to do so valiantly and will assist in bringing our Heavenly Father's children home to Him, to live in His presence, to see His face, and to be together forever.

Emmett and Memory Lane

Okay - Cherstin - I have tried to post on the Family Reunion Blog but when I log in I get here - from a dashboard????? I have no idea what that is or how to get on to the other blog - HELP!!!! LOL

Today I have been awfully teary. I have been cleaning out the garage (almost done!) and as a result I have come across all kinds of wonderful memories, and some sad ones too. As I sit here tonight I am noting that it is our little Emmett's third birthday - where did the time go??? It seems like only yesterday when I reached down into the isolette and held him for the first time. He was the most peaceful little guy - nothing seemed to rattle him. He loved to be swaddled and the more tightly the better. Who would of guessed that he would have grown into such a bundle of energy and excitement? The words, "I do it myself!" will always have such special memories attached to him as he tries to do anything he decides he wants to do. You have to walk a fine line with this little one so as to not destroy his little spirit all the while you are trying to safeguard him, siblings, and property! LOL I hardly ever go in a door when I don't think of him trying to open it and hold it for others to go through - he tries so hard to be a "gentleman." While I smile about it now I do have to say that is can be awfully frustrating when you are trying to hurry or when someone else is trying to go through and he DEMANDS and COMMANDS they give way! More than once we have tried to explain to stranger that he is trying to be a gentleman and they still seem skeptical about his ability to open and hold a door that is huge and heavy without help - and you better not help! LOL With such fierceness of independence, pure defiance, and strength of will it might be easy to miss how really loving and open he is, and that would be a tragedy. There is a goodness and gentleness in his nature and a readyness to learn and to explore. I sure hope that he has a wonderful day today!

As I think about him my mind races through all of my precious grandchildren, to their parents, and to my childhood. It seems like just yesterday that I was a little girl in the home of my parents. I thought they were perfect! I wanted to be just like them when I grew up and now, suddenly, I am not just a mom, but a grandmother of 21 with 4 more due! How did that happen? (okay - I know about the birds and the bees - geeeees! LOL)

Time really does fly on wings of lightening. I have often said that I had thought I would be a mother of preschoolers forever - but it seems as though it sped to warp speed when Wanda went to school. Oh, I am here to say that every phase of life has its beauties and difficulties - but I sure loved being a wife and a mom and having my little ones. I loved being pregnant and feeling their life blossom within me. I loved the special bond of nursing them. I loved watching them grow and reach milestone after milestone. I loved learning about who these spiritual giants are with whom we had been entrusted. I love them. I love the beautiful, talented, wise, kind, and special sons and daughters that they have chosen to spend eternity with, and I love their children, each and every one.

My mother used to tell me to cherish the moments then because they are fleeting. I always wondered why she told me that so often. I was cherishing them - but as I am now where she was I realize just how fleeting those moments are and today I have sauntered down memory lane and wished too often that I had done a better job of journaling, scrapbooking, letter writing, calendaring, and taking pictures during those wonderful, stressful, event filled days. They are days never to be forgotten and I am so grateful that I have had the privilege of spending my days with these wonderful, magnificent, funny, compassionate, smart (the adjectives could go on quite literally forever, you know?) people. I can only pray that we all keep the commandments of our Heavenly Father, honor the covenants that we have made, and do all that we can to be worthy to kneel together as a family in the courts on high...it won't really be heaven to me if even just one of us isn't there!

I hate being technologically challenged!!! I really do!!! I was reading the kids' blogs and wanted to post a comment on Desi and Mike's to Emily but I can't get it to work. Go figure! I tried everything I knew, but nada! So, Emily! I am so proud of you! You read the story beautifully and you didn't even get frustrated or anything...just kept sounding out any word that was more difficult! You were AWESOME! :) You'll have to read for me at the family reunion! And I can't wait to see you!

This has been an emotionally difficult week for me. Last week we marked the 1st year of Mom B's passing. We had gone to the cemetery and landscaped her grave - put some plants there and some edging. All the while I noted how much I would love to be able to do that for my Mom's - especially because she loved going to the cemeteries in Germany and seeing how people cared for the graves of loved ones. And, I also noted how often Wanda has said that she wished Mom could be buried in one of the cemeteries in Wisconsin because they give family quite a bit of latitude that way too - and how Mom would have loved it.

On Monday Rich and I headed back to the cemetery to put water on the flowers as we have had no rain to speak of. We had also put a bench at the foot of the grave and so we sat and reminisced about Mom and I think Rich has finally come to terms with her passing. He thought she would always be around and I think it has been hard for him to accept that she isn't with us anymore, except in spirit. I think he still feels a little bit like she is still with Marsha and Blair or back in California - but obviously knows that she isn't.

We know that she really was ready to go - she had been for quite a while. But I think we all feel like if she had had the colonoscopy like she should have then she would still be with us. I know part of her frustration was the fact that her independence was gone as a result of the macular degeneration - but in so many ways I felt like we were just really getting to know her and would have relished more time to do that.

I pulled out her death certificate and wanted to put things in motion to have her work done for her...but it still sits on my desk...not because I have any hesitancy about having the work done...I guess it is because in some respects it really does make her gone. Crazy thinking, I know, but nevertheless, it is the way I feel.

Then, today is the 6th anniversary of my Mom's passing. You would think that it would get easier as time passes...but I think for me it is actually the opposite. I didn't cry really for her when she passed - I was glad that she was no longer suffering and I know that she suffered far more than I even had a clue. However, I have been more emotional and weepy the last couple of days...I miss her so. Several times I have found myself thinking I ought to call her and then pulled quickly back - it isn't like I don't know that she is gone - just that I would so love to talk to her, tell her how much I love her, miss her, and need her. I would love the opportunity to tell her how grateful I am for her example of faith, courage, optimism, love, compassion, creativity, empathy, wisdom, endurance, testimony, and her thirst for knowledge and understanding and that I so admired her and have wanted to be like her all of my life. In many ways I think that is a tremendous compliment to her and the life that she led. Unlike so many in the world today that do not want to be like their parents - the fact is that my parents are wonderful examples and if I could ever develop some of the qualities that they have I would be very lucky. Every time I read the first passage of scripture in the Book of Mormon I think of my parents - "I, Karen, having been born of goodly parents...." I don't know why I was so lucky to be born to them but I am surely grateful to my Father in Heaven that I was.

It wasn't that Mom was without faults...I don't want to procrastinate or be late, or be overweight, or be organizationally challenged...but if those are the only problems she ever had she was a Saint...and in fact she was. She loved the gospel and the Savior and our Heavenly Father. She loved the Book of Mormon, Church History, and Family History. She loved the church and she loved serving in it. She loved watching BYU devotionals, in fact, any talk or religious discussion on BYU tv! She loved BYU football and basketball games - and my dad - enough that she would watch them over and over and over again. LOL She loved the hymns, the Relief Society, and the General Authorities and any counsel they gave. In fact, she loved and could find good in ANY human being because she knew that they are her brothers and sisters, and Heavenly Father's children - a fact that often resulted in an interesting discussion whenever anyone suggested that someone wasn't behaving as a Child of God. And she loved us unconditionally - no matter what we did or didn't do - she loved us and understood us and wanted us to be happy and to live valiantly so that we could all be together in the eternities. In fact, one of her favorite stories was the one about the dog chasing the squirrel and finally getting it and having a chair for every person in the family and not wanting any empty chairs in the Celestial Kingdom. For as long as I can remember she had credited Elder Faust with the story but I think he may have been the one to relay the story to her, but that the story was from another of the twelve.

Mom loved and appreciated beautiful things. I remember going to a crystal factory when we lived in Augsburg. We watched as the craftsmen etched and cut the crystal on a huge grinding wheel - all without benefit of measurement or pattern. All the while she would be teaching us about the intricacies of what they were doing and helping us appreciate the beauty that they were creating. It was the same story on a trip to a china factory - watching the pouring, the firing, painting, glazing, and the firing again of beautiful china. Or her appreciation of German candle making, wood carvings, windmills, tulip fields and gardens, porcelain dolls, stained glass, cathedrals, marble inlaid floors, crystal chandeliers, fine quilting, tatted lace, beautiful embroidery and tapestries, castles or log homes, it didn't matter because she could always find the beauty in something.

I remember her taking a watercolor class in Germany. I recently came across a couple of things that she had started and they are beautiful. I gave them to Chad because I know that he appreciates the fineness of her work and understands and feels a special connection to her because she taught all of us love and appreciate the arts. Mom knew and encouraged the development of the talent and love Chad has for these things - they took a stained glass class together, they did glass etchings together, and she was constantly encouraging him as he worked in construction to do fine and beautiful work - not just functional work.

She did that for each of us. She recognized early Mike's artistic ability and encouraged him in the same way. When Mike first took up oils and acrylics his teachers would have him "copy" the works of the masters. It didn't take long before we liked what Mike could do even better than the masters! LOL She always understood his need for aesthetics...even when it meant hundreds of dollars and great inconvenience. She understood that practicality was important but that beauty could calm the soul. She also recognized that he has a great marketing sense - he is the consummate "idea man" and much of his creativity and expertise comes as a result of his "critical eye" in seeing how things, ideas, and opportunities are presented.

When Derk was a young teen, I remember he wanted a motor for his birthday. Dad didn't want anything of the sort - it would be messy, greasy, oily, and of no use. But Mom realized that Derk has a kind of engineering genius and needed to take things apart, put them back together, to see how things work. One year, on a trip to Scandinavia, our VW bus was having engine problems. We were going through very small villages and long open roads and the bus was obviously on its last legs. However, Derk was able to get out and fiddle with the motor every few miles until we got to a city that had a repair shop that could fix it! Dad was pretty glad to have Derk's skills around that time. LOL Mom gave Derk the encouragement that he needed to pursue his talent and she and Dad always appreciated the fact that he is always coming up with something new or inventing something or knows how to do anything that none of us know. A common mantra has become, "call Derk...he'll know how to fix it!"

When Brad was born Mom had gone through quite a period of depression. She had tried all kinds of things to try to beat it but she struggled for quite a while. Mom and Dad had been concerned about this pregnancy anyway because he was due just one year after Derk was born, Dad was bishop, and I, as the oldest of four was only 5 years old. But with typical faith Mom felt that the Lord would help them through it all. Brad was the quietest and calmest of babies, rarely fussing and easy to love and care for. Those personality traits have always been a part of him and Mom was quick to note that had it not been the case his long hospital stays when he got the fishhook in his eye or when his retina tore would have been far more difficult than they were. Mom was also quick to realize that "still waters run deep" and beneath Brad's easy nature there was a keen intellect, natural leadership, wisdom, and a spine of steel.

Mom's pregnancy with Jimmy was a long and difficult one. She hemorrhaged several times and we nearly lost her and Jimmy because of the placenta previa. Months of bed rest were Mom's lot and she often said that while those months were tremendously difficult - they were also wonderful tutors. I remember spending lots of time on the bed with her while she read to us, taught us, and helped us with everything from childhood squabbles to deciphering recipes. Jimmy was delivered by c-section and 3 weeks later Mom went with us as a family to Timpanogos Cave - now I shudder at the idea but then I was just glad that she was with us. Mom, as usual, was a great student of her children. She learned everything she could about them and then used what she had learned about us to teach us to become our best selves, believing that each of us had strengths and weaknesses. Mom recognized Jimmy's gentle spirit and his great love for nature. She spent many hours camping and fishing with him, and with all of her kids, and enjoying the Uintahs, Payson Lake, Utah Lake, Lake Powell, Bear Lake, and everything in between. She always knew that he would eventually have to leave the Salt Lake Valley for more remote locations and that he would always be his own boss. She recognized he had the intellect, drive, and natural instincts to do whatever he wanted...I don't think she was even surprised when he ran for public office.

When I talked with Dad I knew that it was going to be a very difficult day for him. He misses her so and I think that the 6 years without her have been extraordinarily long. He says that she has been visiting him, many times over these past years, and cannot wait until the day that they are united. I too look forward to that day. I will never be able to thank her enough for all that she did for me and taught me. Her love for me and the rest of her family was unconditional and full of patience, long suffering, and kindness. I will keep trying to measure up to her - because I love her.

Grandma Roskelley

When I was visiting Dad earlier this month I tried to go through some of the "stuff" that drives him crazy and that I worry about because often in between unimportant things VERY important things are nestled. You have to go through each piece of paper because you never know what you will find.

Well, I did find something that I found absolutely stunning...it was the adoption decree from a judge in the state of Montana granting the adoption of my grandmother, Wanda Bingham Roskelley to James Howell Hendricks! I had known that my grandmother loved this man, that she felt like he really loved her and cared about her as his daughter. I had known that he had married my great grandmother in Montana and that Grandma had stood with them during the ceremony, holding his hand, and she felt like she had married him too. I had known that he had been the one to pay for Grandma to go to Valparaiso, Indiana to boarding school and that she had absolutely loved that experience. I had known that he had talked to my great-great grandmother about adopting her and that she had felt that it was inappropriate because there was no tie to her once her mother had divorced him. I had known that adoption was something that she would have wanted, but I didn't know that it had actually occurred. I brought the decree home and placed it in my file with the intention of scanning it and other important papers and photos so that each of our families might have copies.

Well, on Friday of last week I decided that it was time to clean out the garage. We have been here for a year and while it has been an event filled year - I want to finally be settled. I still have things to do and boxes to unpack and pictures to hang, etc. but I really am feeling the desire to make this house a home. It is time to get all the boxes gone!

As I opened box after box, putting some things away, putting other things in a give away box, stacking things I don't know what to do with at the moment, finding things that I once knew we had but had forgotten, and gathering a huge pile of things that need to be organized at a later time I came across a navy blue paper Book of Remembrance with my Grandmother's writing on it. It has her handwriting on the front but to my knowledge I have NEVER seen this before. When I opened it I was amazed to find she had started tracing the genealogical lines of James Howell Hendricks and even had a family group sheet with her as the adopted child of James Howell Hendricks and Julia Abigail Smith Bingham. Again, I was STUNNED!

Chills come so easily as I consider the feelings that accompany these two events - I cannot dismiss them. They are miracles to me - not any less earth shattering as the parting of the Red Sea. The implications of these finds and their full ramification are not known to me at this time. I am still trying to grapple with what I know and what it means - and trying to determine what should be done with this information. I did a quick Family Search scan to determine if any ordinance work had been done - and after just a cursory look I cannot find any.

Perhaps the thing that is so troubling to me is having some idea of how my Grandmother felt, especially in her last years. During much of my life she didn't talk too much about her feelings about her life and especially as a child. But, as her life drew to a close she became a bit more open and expressed a little of her feelings of abandonment and lack of love from her biological father, Parley Pratt Bingham, Jr. and her mother. She had written several autobiographies or life histories and when you read them you can understand why she did feel that way. However, in all the genealogy that she ever did, and I have the original Book of Remembrance that she made for me when I was a baby, she never had anything about James Howell Hendricks. She used the biological lines exclusively. I guess that is why I didn't believe that the adoption had actually happened. I do remember my mother often wondering where my Grandmother's original Book of Remembrance was because she believed that there would be things in there that weren't part of the records that she had given us...but she (Mom) also believed that Grandma had taken her book apart to make copies for each of her children so that they could have a record too, and she felt that it had never been reassembled.

So, what is to be done at this point? In light of the knowledge that the adoption did occur and how much Grandma loved him, do we drop the Bingham line? This doesn't feel right - while I know that Grandma felt abandoned and unloved by her father it doesn't mean that was the case. His life was further complicated by the fact that he had remarried and had children by that marriage - in fact - those children became beloved brother and sisters to my Grandma. I also know that my great-great grandfather Bingham always tried to maintain family ties with Grandma, just as I would do if something like this had happened in the life of one of my grandchildren.

Do we just add the James Howell Hendricks line as a collateral line? Somehow that doesn't feel right either. Great-grandpa Hendricks went out of his way to formally adopt Grandma when her mother passed away and she had no parents to speak of. Grandma's mother had divorced great-grandpa Hendricks when Grandma was eleven. Her mother died when Grandma was 15 and great-grandpa Hendricks cared enough about Grandma to pursue the adoption of her at that time, with it being completed when she is 16. I don't know what her relationship was with her biological father at this time - and the court was satisfied that he had abandoned her when the adoption was made - but perhaps that was just legalese and great-grandpa Bingham knew that by giving up his parental rights Grandma could have a home where she felt loved and wanted - and while he may well have loved and wanted her - he may have known that she would never "feel" that way about him or the home he could provide for her. I also know that Grandma's association and love for great-grandpa Hendricks spanned a lifetime. It wasn't until I found the Book of Remembrance that I was able to piece together the ties that bind. During the depression Grandma and Grandpa went to Washington to live - they lived in the same area as great-grandpa Hendricks - and in fact - he passed away shortly after my mother was born. Obviously Grandma felt the safety and love of a parent. The records that I have don't specifically state it - but I wonder if Grandma had gone there after her divorce from Grandpa after Jack was born. And then, Granpa went there to effect a reconcilliation - which actually did happen and they were remarried and had Gale and Mom and eventually Vance before divorcing a final time.

What would the Lord have us do, considering the two miracles that just occurred? If, indeed they are miracles as I feel they are, wouldn't that indicate that the work needs to be done? I doubt there would be any difficulty in doing the work in light of the adoption. I am so glad that the Lord gets to straighten this all out in the eternities! For now, I guess I will just put one foot in front of the other and pray that the Spirit will direct me to know what to do. And right at this moment I am so humbled and awed that a man who had no responsibility at all would rescue my Grandmother, love her, and care for her. That he would recognize that he had the power to help her and give her the stability she so needed and then act on it - even in the face of opposition from well intentioned family and others who might deem it unseemly - is a true testament of the kind of man he was. It would seem that Grandma was a great judge of character because she loved him too.

It's a Journey

On Monday I went to see my primary care physician. Can I just say that I think she is great!?! Anyway - I was down another 30+# and she was thrilled about that, as am I. And my blood pressure was absolutely perfect and so I am now off all blood pressure meds - a pretty wonderful non-scale victory! I am walking better and better all the time - but the knees and legs are still shot and going to require replacements in the future. At the moment the plan is to fight my way through the pain with hydrocodone and get at least another 75# off and re-evaluate. She also said that she thought that there was a good possibility that that could be my goal weight due to my height and bone structure. I have real mixed feelings about that. I would love to be "done" with this phase and on to the maintenance part but there is another part of me that doesn't want to stop there - I really do have a goal to become my best self and I don't think that is 75# away - but more like 125# away. However, I haven't seen that number in 35 years - so maybe I will be happy with it....

So tomorrow I go see my ortho dr. to discuss getting more synvisc injections. I hope he is as pleased with the weight loss as is Dr. May (so far I have lost 312# of pressure on my knees and that is pretty spectacular) - but I know his concern is to get me to the place that I can have the surgery and fully recover and regain strength, flexibility, range of motion, and full use. That will have to be a future thing - not there yet.

Did see my podiatrist last week and he was very pleased and at one time regaining full use of my replaced toe looked doubtful - but if I keep up the water aerobics and working it I may be able to break down the scar tissue and fully recover. I would like to give it another 6 months to see if I can do that before I decide which course of action to take with my other toe - a complete joint replacement or fusing...right now I would like to believe I can have the replacement - we'll see.

Rich's health continues to improve and maintain - lung functions are stable, cholesterol is down, weight is down, off all diabetes meds, no oxygen, and no A-fib. He is having some discomfort/pain in his upper left side of his abdomen and Dr. May had him have a CT scan this morning because there was blood in his urine. The blood in his urine has been a problem off and on for a few years and every investigation has determined that there was/is nothing to worry about. This is the first time that there has been pain - Dr. May wants to make sure that the kidney is fine and that there are no stones. If the CT scan is clear then he'll probably head back to the gastro dr. for another colonoscopy - it has been 18 months or so since the last one so he's not really due one - but with his mom passing away from colon cancer it is something to rule out. All in all I feel much better about his health now than last year! LOL duh?!?!

Dad and Alzheimers

I thought I would take a moment this morning, it has been way too long since I have done this, and write a couple of things that have been going on.

A few weeks ago my Dad had been having some health problems and so Mike and Dad went to see Dr. Lundsberg who prescribed him with a new antibiotic. About the same time that the antibiotic was prescribed Dad also had some difficulty taking some of his meds. Whether he took more than he should have, didn't take them, etc. I am not really sure....but I digress. Brian, my nephew, and his wife have moved in to stay with Dad and help him with some of the things that we, as a family are concerned about. Brian and Laurie take care of meals, dispensing meds, and help in ways that let Dad have his independence but allow us to feel more certain that he is okay. However, Brian and Laurie were seeing a steady decline in Dad's functioning. Dad was falling and having other difficulties which alarmed them and they called Mike when they found Dad on the floor and unresponsive one morning.

Mike quickly came in and decided that he needed to get Dad to the Dr. Dr. Lundsberg examined Dad but felt it was better for Mike to take him to the emergency room because he was exhibiting signs of a possible stroke. So, after Mike had taken him there, Mike called me to alert me to what was happening. They spent the entire rest of the day and into the evening assessing Dad and his situation - did EEG, CT scan, EKG, blood work, etc. and finally admitted Dad. It was determined that he had not had a stroke although he was having neurological problems, hallucinating, and definitely not responding well. The E.R. docs told them that they thought it was probably medications that were responsible for the problems that they were seeing.

Slowly, over the next few days, Dad got better enough to be released. But the dr. there said that she believed that he had Alzheimers and made an appointment for them to see an Alzheimers specialist. I told Mike that I would like to be there for that appointment and so I made arrangements to fly out.

Unfortunately, due to other constraints, I only had 5 days there. However, I am very grateful for those 5 days. The Alzheimers specialist ran a battery of tests on Dad, met with Mike and I for a personal assessment, reviewed the results from the hospital workup, and talked extensively with Dad before making a final diagnosis of Alzheimers at a moderate to moderately severe level. He prescribed him a new Alzheimers med and will meet with him in about 3 months to assess how the med is working.

Perhaps the most illuminating thing to come out of the visit was the fact that Dad seemed to feel much better and more relaxed. The dr. told him about the disease, what to expect, that we'd made some good decisions already in trying to help assure his safety while at the same time trying to maintain as much of his independence as possible, and what could be done to try and help treat it. Dad was asked how long he felt he'd been having these kinds of difficulty and he told them probably over the last 7 or 8 years. I was stunned by that response. Dad and I have talked about Alzheimers, memory loss, and he has reached out when he has become lost or couldn't remember something. However, without an actual diagnosis, I never felt like I could definitively say what was happening nor did I know how to address his concerns other than to say he needed to talk to a dr and find out what was happening. When he said that he had been realizing it for that long I felt so sad - how alone he must has felt all these years - he'd laugh and tell us about some of the silly things he had done, joke about it, voice frustration about not being able to remember something or getting lost, which was his plea for help. He must have felt a great sense of relief that it was finally out in the open and his concerns were being taken seriously. It wasn't that we didn't take them seriously before - we tried our best to make decisions that have his best interests at heart...but we always talked around "it" instead of hitting "it" head on. I don't know how that might have changed things but I do think it may have relieved some of the anxiety he has been feeling for a long time.

Another great thing that came from the meeting was they gave us a lot of info about how to care for someone with the disease. How to communicate with them, how to address some of the difficulties that will become increasingly troublesome, and things that we need to consider in the long term. I have had them emailed to each of us kids and have suggested that we email them to our children so that they will know how best to relate to Dad, especially now.

Shortly after Mom died I remember wondering if Dad could be having these problems. I discussed it with the guys but they thought I was being overly dramatic and over the top. They believed it was a lot of the stress from Mom's extended illness and from losing her, age related, just his idiosyncrasies, or even a plea for attention. How I wish I had just bulldozed my way through and gotten a good assessment done before I had returned home...but it was easier to believe that it was some of the other things than to face this too. Perhaps it was easier to see because I lived so far away or because when I came there I was actually staying with him rather than being there only a few hours and then leaving. I don't know...I just feel badly that I didn't act sooner. Now, looking back, I can see there were telltale signs well before Mom's passing. In some ways their relationship was so symbiotic that I wonder if Mom knew.

The summer that Mom died I had gotten after her to be more patient with Dad because he was doing so much for her. I felt like she was a little ungrateful and because of how badly she hurt she didn't recognize how much he was doing. Hindsight truly is 20/20 because now I believe I would have realized how his difficulties were impacting her more and I would have and should have been more sympathetic to both of them - should have stepped in and provided more of the support and care than I did. I failed them both. Hopefully she will be able to forgive me and, having learned at her expense, I will have the wisdom of Solomon to help me and my brothers help Dad.

I can see the toll the worry is taking on Mike. I think I will be heading out there several times a year for an extended visit to provide some relief for he and his family. Derk and Julia are the salt of the earth and just have a special way of diffusing whatever seems to be causing Dad discomfort. They just keep constantly serving him and he so appreciates them and how they make him feel. Lexie and Brad are also providing that constant care...cleaning bathrooms, changing sheets, doing laundry...whatever it takes to help and he is so grateful to them for that because they just seem to know he can't do it for himself anymore. Chad and Ronnie are there too - I think they make Dad feel young and of value - they often include him in watching a game that Chase is playing in or some other activity and it helps him feel connected. Jim and Maria are in regular contact - but with them living so far away and with their lives so full it is hard to be of direct help. I understand that - I find my long distance relationship wholly inadequate to provide any real help to the people there or to Dad. Hopefully my travel out there will help out on the margins...and if it becomes a viable opportunity I would sure love Dad to come here...but I worry so much about what that would do, not only to Dad, but to the rest of the family as well.

I got a call two days ago from Dad. He wants Derk and Julia to be able to go to Europe. He feels badly that Julia is the only one that hasn't been there. Dad was trying to find his old passports or his birth certificate. I had uncovered them while I was out there. This isn't a convenient time for Julia to just pick up and go but I hope they will actually find a way to be able to do that. Spring would be a much better time to go...rather than late fall or winter. Secretly I think Dad is remembering lots of those times and wanting to visit and share them before he loses those memories too. I don't know how long he has before that happens...and I don't know how well he would manage...but it is on his mind now and that is what matters.

Deanna Johnson, a dear friend from El Centro, learned first hand how hard it is to live with regrets. She shared with me some of her experience and wisdom when we lived there and I have never forgotten it. I have not always acted on it to the best of my ability - but I have never forgotten it. I can't change the past but I can act today. Tomorrow today will take its place in the past...and over time I will be able to soften my hard edges, my harsher judgements, and intemperateness...because I have acted and lived today so that I will not have regrets.... Hopefully I will do that each and every day. I pray for the wisdom, courage, patience, kindness, understanding, and energy to do so in every facet of my life.

My Mom

Today is my Mom's birthday. She would have been 79. I think of her all the time. Sometimes when I pray I ask my Father in Heaven to relay messages to her. I don't know. Perhaps she is still in our area or with us frequently and I just don't have the faith to see with my spiritual eyes her realilty. I truly feel that she knows what is happening and what I am feeling, that she is here with me. And I know that Heavenly Father knows her and loves her and He loves me and so I have to believe that somehow the communication lives on.

I think that one of Mom's most precious gifts was always choosing to believe the best in people. This wasn't contrived or fake - it was real, genuine concern for people - Heavenly Father's children and her brothers and sisters. From my earliest memories I can hear her always looking for the good in a person rather than the negative. If I (or anyone else for that matter) did something that was beneath them she would always try to understand, to find a reason that would explain the errant behavior. She would never believe that it was just because the person was stupid, a jerk, or just plain evil - she just didn't see it them way. She would always counsel me to try and understand the other person's point of view or to believe that there was a benign reason for bad behavior. One of the major blessings from her example and teachings was that I learned to not take things so personally, to not find offense easily, to give other's the benefit of the doubt. It is certainly easier to believe that something done or said that hurt was done in thoughtlessness rather than with the intention to harm. She easily forgave and was quick to recognize remorse and sadness in others. I can't ever think of a time when she jumped to a conclusion about someone's motives that wasn't flattering, understanding, patient, or kind. My Uncle Vance (her little brother) used to say that when he got to heaven he hoped that she would be his advocate or a witness in his defense because she could make Hitler a sympathetic figure - and if she could do that for Hitler then what could she do for him! LOL I'm with Uncle Vance - I hope she'll be my advocate as well and I so want to be worthy of her advocacy.